My Muse

            I felt like I’d tried everything on stage to get the audience—both the people in the auditorium with us and those listening in to the live streaming or watching uploads—to understand that her was never a real person and that, out of all the people in Time with You that I featured, the one that clearly meant the most to me was Ryeowook.  I barely acknowledged the fact that my parents were in the audience.  Thankfully they love me and they’re proud of me, so they’re not going to disown me over it.  I entirely forgot to thank Donghae and Eunhyuk at the end of the show because I was so focused on making sure that I spoke about Ryeowook all night but, as it turned out, they left after their appearance on stage. 

            I had teased the audience about making sure that Ryeowook did not leave before the end of the fan meet all night because I wanted to speak to him at the end.  I wanted to talk him into coming home.  I have spent too many nights of my life away from him already.  I won’t spend any apart from him for stupid reasons any more.  Even if he wants me to sleep on the couch, I would rather have him home. 

            But near the end of the night, I looked over and realized that his seat was vacant.  I was shocked because I’d hoped that everything I’d said throughout the night might have helped convince him to forgive me.  I honestly thought he was leaning that direction already, just by coming.  It completely messed with my emotions.  So did the fact that Henry was sitting there instead.  I hadn’t even told him about my fan meet but I had been complaining to Ryeowook about not seeing him lately! 

            As I sang the last song of the set, I felt emotional.  I was overwhelmed about being back in the spotlight again.  I was floored that all the fans had waited for me to come back.  I had worried that when Ryeowook and I enlisted, with Super Junior not putting out much music in our absence, we would finally lose all our fans.  We’ve been around for so long and I can hardly believe that we still keep gaining new, young listeners while still retaining ones that have been around from the beginning.  I thought they would dwindle, but they never do.  I felt so grateful to come back to so many fans that wanted to still hear my music.

            But I was also upset that things were falling apart at home.  Ryeowook had left, despite me begging throughout the performance for him to stay until the end.  I’d tried all night to make him and everyone else understand that there was no one more important to me than him.  We live together—how many times did I mention that—and he is clearly a big part of my life, as we not only work together, but obviously support each other in everything we do.  He even helped me get ready for the fan meet and improved my piano playing.

            I was actively crying when I walked off the stage and headed into my dressing room, disappointed at finding it empty.  Reaching for my phone, I felt better when I noticed that Ryeowook had left me messages. 

            You were wonderful!  I’m so proud of you!

            I opened the next one.

            I’ll meet you at home.  I want to get unpacked.  Take your time with your parents and Henry.

            I felt so relieved, I ended up crying a little more before finally drying my eyes.  It wasn’t long before Henry made it backstage to visit, giving me a big hug. 

            “Hyung!  That was great!”

            “Thank you!  I had no idea you were even coming!”

            “Wook invited me!  Did he leave already?” he asked, looking around.

            I nodded.  “He’s at the house.  He had a long day,” I only said.  “But you don’t get to leave until you tell me everything you’ve been up lately.  I haven’t seen you in forever!”

            My parents only stopped by briefly, as they’re used to me having crowds of famous people around me, stealing my attention, and they’re not as impressed with famous idols as the average person, having seen so many of them over the years.  They know all the members and they like all my friends, but they feel no need to compete with all the other people around us just to speak to us during an event when they can just call me on the phone later.  And they have the numbers of most of the other members as well.  And Changmin.  And probably a number of other famous singers I have no idea about.  At any rate, they popped in long enough to say good-bye and to tell me how wonderful I was.  No one ever tells me I’ve done bad, of course.  But the reaction was far better than the one I got when the video for Time with You came out, so I assume I must have redeemed myself a little. 

            “Wook looked a little embarrassed,” Henry told me.

            “About what?” I asked, packing my things.

            “About what?” he questioned.  “I missed part of the beginning of the fan meet, but you talked about him for most of it.  You might have talked about him more than yourself,” he said, laughing.

            I just grinned.  “Well, he’s mad at me about the Time with You video.  He’s angry that I grouped him with my other friends without making it obvious that I thought more of him than them, considering he puts up with more of my bull than they do.”

            Henry just laughed at me.  He’s always in a good mood.  That’s one of the things I love best about him.  He’s wonderful to be around because, even when things are going wrong, he takes in in stride and still looks at the good side of the situation.

            “At least he was in the video!  Was I in it?”

            I threw my hands on my hips and glared at him.  “You didn’t watch my new video yet?”

            “Hyung!  I’m so busy!” he said, wrapping his arms around me.

            “No, you’re not in the video,” I confessed.  “But if everyone that I loved was in the video, it would be about fifteen minutes long.  No one would ever watch it and they’d never play the song on the radio.  I had to trim it down a little.  I didn’t dare put a single female friend in it or the fans would assume I was dating them.  I have a lot of friends from school I still hang out with, who no one cares to see in a video.  I have former coworkers from television programs and theater that I still talk to and occasionally meet up with.  The rest of my family isn’t in it, aside from the twins.  It’s not meant to be a damn photo album.  It’s just things that I like!  I just threw in a few people as well and clearly didn’t think very hard about it ahead of time.  At all!”

            “Well, I think you talking about him worked.  He seemed like he was in a good mood,” Henry told me.

            “Did he?”

            Henry nodded.

            “He didn’t stay until the end like I asked him to.”

            “He was starting to tear up a little.”

            “Was he?”

            “Yeah,” Henry said, smiling.

            Maybe I could forgive him for leaving then.  “Should we get a picture together?”

            “Of course!”

            Henry didn’t stay long and I could forgive him for it because I was in a hurry to get home.  Besides, he would prefer to come see us at the dorm, where Ryeowook will cook for him.  Everyone would rather come over if Ryeowook is cooking.  I keep telling everyone that I am a decent chef now, but no one has forgotten the times I tried cooking when I was younger and will take me up on the offer to cook for them except Ryeowook, who taught me and will still supervise me to make sure I don’t mess up. 

            I don’t know what I was expecting to walk into when I got home, but I got about three steps in the house when Ryeowook practically tackled me, wrapping his arms around my neck and hugging me tight.  I could tell from the sniffling that he was crying.

            “What’s the matter?” I asked, instantly concerned and worried that something terrible had happened before I’d returned home.  I tossed my backpack to the ground and tried by best to slip off my shoes.

            “I’m so sorry!”

            “About what?” I asked, wrapping my arms securely around him, but pulling away enough to look at him. 

            “About leaving you for two days before your fan meet!” he said.  “I feel bad about making you stressed out.”

            “I feel bad about making you feel that you aren’t more important to me than everyone else on the planet, so we’re even.  Or are we?  I’m not sure if that equals out,” I admitted.  “Are you still mad at me?”

            Ryeowook shook his head.

            I kissed his wet cheek several times.  “Good.  I don’t like it when you’re upset.”  I lifted him up and carried him towards the living room wh