80 days since Chanyeol broke up… 80 days.

I’d love to say I was getting better but…  Truthfully?
I was scared to admit that maybe… I was.

There was something so nostalgic about life since Jongin had returned to being my right hand. It made me reminisce about childhood and promises of best friends forever.  Back then, I had always been the one to take care of others. Jongin too.

Jongin, ever since I can remember, had always shied away from confrontation. Still did. Actually, the only time I ever saw him engage one, was just short of 10 years ago.

-

It had been almost two years, since I had confessed to Jongin about my uality. For reasons I don’t quite remember, I had blurted it out as was it the most normal thing in the world to do. Jongin hadn’t replied. He had just cocked his head to the side and said: ’Okay.’ I’m not sure if I had expected some other reaction or was simply embarrassed but what I do recall is crying that night.  

I had never had any problems at my school before. I was a good friend, president of the student body and top of my class. But one day, word got out about my… Certain preference.

I had been on my way home. Jongin was coming to visit and I was eager to see my friend again.  Usually when Jongin would visit he’d come pick me up at school but today he had been held up for some reason. He’d told me over the phone he would try and make it but I told him not to bother. 15 minutes, give or take, didn’t really matter as long as I got to see him again. And see how much more handsome he had managed to become every single time.   
Minding my own business, I walked along the pavement in my own little world when suddenly someone bumped into me.

“Oh no, Sehun. You accidentally knocked into Kyungsoo, everyone’s favourite guy. Do apologise.”

A roar of laughter ringed in my ears as I turned to come face to face with vice president, Kim Joonmyun and his gang of followers. Sehun, a freshman under Joonmyun’s command stood embarrassed a little further away, eyes fastened to the ground. I immediately felt pity and decided to focus my attention towards someone I thought was my friend.

“It’s okay. No harm, no foul.”

“We’ll I’m glad you take it so lightly. I mean, from what I hear… Who knows, you might actually have… Enjoyed it.”

My hands started sweating from Joonmyun’s suggestive words. Did he know?

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I guess you haven’t heard but there are all these God-awful rumours about you going on at school at the moment. Rumours questioning your… Predilection?”

How?
I had told no one except Jongin and I knew he would never tell on me. So how did this guy know? For a second I hesitated but only a second. Brushing it off as a mere trifle, I pushed past them, set on ignoring the suggestion.

“Then it’s good that rumours are just that, rumours. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Before I managed to slip away, someone grabbed hold of my arm.

“Not too hard, Minseok. You might unintentionally turn him on.”

I rarely cry. And definitely never in front of crowds but this… This was hurtful.
I had to get away from there. And fast.

“Let go of me. Now.”

“Why? Don’t you like it? A guy fumbling you? Aaw… Are you going to cry? Is baby gay going to cry?”

And I did.
I cried to the erupting and mocking laughter thrown at me. I cried at the pushing and jeering. And I felt miserable and…

“What the hell is going on?!”

… And relieved.

“Oh hi, Jongin. We were just hanging out with your pal here when he overcame with emotion and started blubbering like a fish.”

 “Yeah, you get away from him. Kyungsoo?”

The pushing stopped and in its place, a familiar warmth enveloped me as Jongin put his arms around my shaking body.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course he’s not. Who in their right mind would ever choose to be a faggy, little gay? Right, Kyungsoo?”

All my dignity was gone.
I don’t think I had ever felt so small as in that moment and I really thought… My life was over. From now on, everyone would look at me differently, everyone would avoid me, think less of me, judge me and all because of something they have the gall to think I voluntarily ‘chose’? It’s not a choice. It’s not. It’s…

“Hey! If Kyungsoo wants to be gay, he’ll be gay. Who are you to judge him? My friend has as much a right to love whoever he wants as you have the choice not to be a about it. It is his choice. And I applaud him for it, so back off!”

And that was the first time I’d ever heard Jongin lash out at anyone and suddenly, at least some of my dignity was back.
Joonmyun seemed as if ready to counter with a verbal attack when a small voice interrupted the fight.

“Joonmyun… Let’s not.”

The freshman who had bumped into me earlier stepped up and put a hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder. For whatever reason, Joonmyun complied. He just scoffed at me and left. So did the other guys, as well as Sehun but not before discreetly nodding in my direction with an apologetic smile on his face.

“I’m sorry.”

I nodded back and a second after I realised I was still in Jongin’s warm embrace. Embarrassed, I quickly unwrapped myself from his arms while trying to come up with something to lessen the awkward atmosphere.

“Well that was fun.”

“Kyungsoo… What he said… Don’t take it…”

“I’m not taking it personal. For all I care, he can go screw himself.”

“…Okay.”

And that had been the end of it. I pretended it hadn’t bothered me and Jongin didn’t ask.
Life continued on as usual, no one else confronted me about…
I could not wait to get out of there.   

-

“You know, you don’t have to keep sleeping over. The couch can’t be that comfortable.”

It was bedtime. Jongin stood brushing his teeth, wearing pyjama pants and nothing else in my bathroom. I didn’t want him to go, of course not. I just couldn’t help but feel as if I was slowly disrupting his life for the good of mine.  

“It’s not.”

Jongin spit in the sink and rinsed his mouth before continuing.

“But I’d rather stay here than having you call at three in the morning for someone to talk to.”

“So I am a bother.”

“No.”

Drying his mouth off in one of the handtowels, Jongin came to stand in front of me, a secret smile playing on his lips.  

“I just can’t hold you over the phone now, can I?”

I think I was blushing because Jongin pushed past me with a grin and went into the dark living room. He sat down on the couch and gently patted the space next to him. Taking the hint, I sat down and sighed out loud.

“I know you prefer taking care of others because… You don’t like being dependant on anyone to come save the day. But it’s okay to rely on others.”

“Yeah, look where that got me.”

“I don’t think that’s the case. I think you chose Chanyeol because he so obviously wanted and had to rely on you. Financially, emotionally… You could be the one in control while Chanyeol had to depend on you to take care of him.”

That struck a nerve.
One that hurt.

“But I did rely on him Jongin. I relied on him to make me smile and laugh and to fight away the loneliness…”

“You are lonely?”

“I’ve been lonely ever since you moved away. Sure I had other friends, I was popular and whatever, but it was never really the same without you. Even so, the loneliest time was when… Joonmyun outed me. You remember?”

“…I do”

“Well, he did leave me alone after that but things had changed. People spoke to me but always kept a certain distance as if scared of catching something. I had no one and I didn’t want to burden you, who lived so far away, with problems you couldn’t do anything about anyway, so I didn’t tell you.”

I took a deep breath. I was about to spill something I had kept hidden from my best friend for years. I think it was to protect myself because… If you don’t talk about it, it never happened, right?  

“After a while, I ran into Sehun, the erh… The boy who apologised on Joonmyun’s behalf? Well, we started talking and then writing and hanging out. At some point, I started to have feelings for him. He was so nice. He kind of reminded me of you actually, so I made the mistake of asking him out.”

“What happened?”

“We got caught. I had been so excited, my first date and all. I had shown up at his place with a… Bouquet of flowers and such anticipation when the door swung open to reveal half the school making fun of me, taking pictures… Yelling names.”

Another deep breath.

“You’re right. Maybe I don’t want to depend on others and maybe that’s why I had to let Chanyeol infiltrate my life before I could be sure he wasn’t trying to hurt me. But I do depend on other people, Jongin, more than you know.”       

Feeling tears pressing on, I left my seat but Jongin managed to catch hold of my T-Shirt.

“… Do you remember when you came out to me?”

“Vaguely.”

“Well, I do. I was visiting. We were in your room, catching up when the conversation had landed on love. You asked me if I had met someone and I hadn’t. I asked you the same and you hesitated. You answered ‘maybe’. You then looked at me with such… I don’t know, hope? Expectation? But you did and you said… ‘I think I’m falling in love with a boy.’ And that was it. No explanation, no nothing.”

“Yeah, and your very articulate answer was as far as I remember, ‘Okay’.”

“What was I supposed to have said? I was fourteen and you had just declared yourself gay? I needed some time to figure things out on my own. What it meant for us and who this boy was? If he was going to replace me as your best friend or… If that boy was… Me.
“I know it sounds silly and I know it’s not and as we both know I came to my senses and never let it affect our friendship, in fact, I think it only served to make it stronger. But you telling me this story… Friends depend on each other, no matter what. I depend on you as my friend to tell me when things are bad or good or if you just need another heartbeat in the room because like it or not, I love you. I care about you and I want you to rely on me to stick up for you when you need it.”

“Jongin… I do want to rely on you. I just feel bad about your life revolving around my misery.”

“But Kyungsoo, that’s just what it means to be friends. Your misery is my misery. And I’ll be damned if I leave you to wallow alone.”

Goosebumps intruded on my skin.
Jongin’s words touched me in way that almost frightened me. Suddenly I was 15 again, heart pounding against my chest and I remembered what I had tried to supress for so long. That boy, sitting before me, was every reason I ever had for becoming who I was today. And, it felt nothing short of bittersweet.  

“Thank you, Jongin. I really appreciate it.”

A little smile appeared on my lips as I made to leave the room. As I reached the doorway, I had to stop and look back at Jongin who hadn’t moved an inch.   

“I never thanked you for… Saving me back then. But… You were wrong about one thing, though. I didn’t… Choose to like guys.”

From the faint streetlight shining in through the window, I saw Jongin smile.

“That’s not what I meant. You chose to love unbiased, looking past gender and past people’s expectations. That’s a choice and you made it.”

“Oh. Well, thank you. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

As I walked into my room and lay down on my bed, I couldn’t help but wonder. Being gay was not something I had chosen to be but I guess it really was a choice…

The choice to have the courage to love exactly who you want to love.  
The choice to be…

 Happy. 

A/N 

There you go, a longer chapter which I really, really hope you liked :D:D I'm starting to fall in love with this story again so hopefully I'll soon have another update for you *FingersCrossed* and all that jazz >_< 

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Oh and btw, Merry Christmas :D:D
Fluffball out!