It was a lazy Sunday when I got the call. Kyungsoo and I were on the couch, my head resting in his soft lap as he threaded his fingers through brown curls.
I'm a big guy and because of that I am supposed to be the one who protects. The one who is brave. And I used to be. But when I'm with Kyungsoo, in his embrace, I feel safe. I feel secure.  And I am vulnerable. But only with Kyungsoo.
We had just had dinner and were now watching the news because Kyungsoo likes to know what's going on in the world. I don't really. But lovingly, Kyungsoo traced long fingers against my neck and up towards my ear and I couldn't care less what played on the screen, too lost in the comforting touch. That was also why I became annoyed when suddenly my phone started to vibrate on the coffee table. Groaning, I reached out for the electronic device to check the caller id. I didn't recognise the number so I declined the call to snuggle back up against Kyungsoo's warm stomach.  Bliss was short lasting though as the phone went off again. With an irritated grunt I took the call, perhaps spewing 'What?' a little too hard at the receiver.

"... Hello? I'm sorry for disturbing but I need to speak with one Park Chanyeol?"

"Who's asking?"

"I am calling on behalf of a patient? Byun Baekhyun?"

For a second my heart drops. The woman on the phone just said 'Patient', right? I sat up straight, moved off the couch and as in a daze I walked into the kitchen out of Kyungsoo's sight.

"What's happened?" 

"I am not at liberty to say. Mr. Byun is currently residing at 'Seoul National University Hospital'. He wants you to come alone and not to tell your roommate."

"Roommate? You mean my boyfriend?"

"Sir, I am only relying a message. Please come to the hospital and I am sure Mr. Byun will explain everything."

 "Fine. Okay. I-I'll be right there just... He's okay. Right?"

The line went dead as if to answer my question and I immediately feared the worst.

Kyungsoo looked worried as he entered the kitchen, hesitant to ask who had called. My body moved on its own as my hands enveloped Kyungsoo's beautiful face to press our lips together hard. I must have looked terrified because Kyungsoo's eyes were full of questions but he knew better than to ask again. It's scary how well Kyungsoo knew me.

"I..."

"You'll tell me later. Just go."

I kissed him again. Longer this time before I apologetically moved past him, grabbed my coat and ran out the door.        

Baekhyun, my best friend since middle school, seemed so tiny as he sat in the white hospital bed, attention turned towards the window. His face looked paler than usual which says a lot.

"Chanyeol?"

A frail voice snapped me out of my daze when our eyes met in the window's reflection. With hesitant steps I approached my friend who tried his best to smile.  

"W-what are you doing here, Baekie?"

The man shrugged his shoulders and pursed his lips.

"I'm dying."

The way he said it so casual... I think it affected me the wrong way as my mouth dropped and I said something I myself would find very insensitive. 

"Oh. That ." 

Yeah. I put my hands in my pockets and squeezed my thighs to punish myself for that remark but to my surprise, Baekhyun laughed. His kind, pretty laugh that seemed truly out of place and in stark contrast to the entire situation.

"How is it you always know the right thing to say?"

Perplexed, I settled to answer with the combination of an awkward scoff, a smirk and the tilting of my head. The laughter faded to give way for a serene expression that rivalled that of an angel.

"We are best friends, right Yeol?"   

"O-of course we are, Baekie."

"And how long have we been best friends?"

"1,2... maybe 15 years?"

"15 years. 15... years."

Baekhyun let out a long sigh. I wanted to take his hand and tell him... I don't know? What do you tell a dying person? What would they want to know? Do you tell them 'I'm sorry to hear'? They can't really use your pity for anything, can they?

"Aren't you going to ask me why?"

"Why... You're dying?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What's killing you?"

A tired smile stretched across my friend's face as he closed his eyes.

"My heart."

"Your heart?"

"Yes. My heart. It is overflowing with love and the doctors can't remove any more."

"Baek... I don't understand."

I finally took his hand and from sheer habit caressed the white skin with my thumb.

"It's okay if you don't. I need a favour, Yeol."

"Anything."

"I need my journal. Would you please bring it to me?"

I nodded my head  slowly, almost scared to look into his eyes.

That was a first.

-

After I left the hospital I went straight to Baekhyun's studio apartment. I already had an emergency key so I was able to let myself in with ease. I rummaged through his desk until I found a black leather-bound journal.

A journal.
Baekhyun was still keeping a journal even after all these years.  

-

"Here! I got you something!"

After I had finally convinced Baekhyun of becoming my friend, I bought two very cheap journals in Daisoo, one for me and one for Baekhyun.

"You want me to keep a diary? Do I look like a girl to you?"

"No! Well..."

On one hand... Baekhyun was kind of petite... and pretty and had pretty eyes and pretty hands, and a pretty smile. Put a long wig on the kid, shove him into a tutu and he could easily be mistaken for a princess.

"Don't. Finish that sentence."

"Yeah I probably shouldn't... Anyway! I got these for us to write down our youth and of each other and then when we're both a hundred and on our deathbed we'll exchange journals to see how crazy, stupid we were growing up and how we really feel about each other! And we'll laugh and cry and go out with bang! What do you say?!"

Baekhyun hadn't said much. He had taken the notebook, taken one look at it before lifting it to slam it against my brains. And yes it hurt but he had laughed and told me I was being silly but now that I had bought it for him, he couldn't refuse.

It took just two days for me to forget all about the journals but as it would seem,

Baekhyun had not.

-

I must have scared Kyungsoo when I showed up at 4 in the morning and rushed into bed next to him. I had kept my tears back the entire time but just seeing him had me spill the first sob as I hid my face in the crook of his neck. And I couldn't keep it in anymore. I cried. And cried. And Kyungsoo didn't ask why. He just held me. Whispered soothing words. Caressed my skin and let me be vulnerable.

And I loved him for it.
 

I know I shouldn't have but I read it.

I read the entire journal in one go.

And it made me hate myself because...  

The entire thing was dedicated to me.

Every page was a small note of Baekhyun's day, what had happened, how he'd felt... And how many times he had thought about me that day. Some days he had written a small poem, a confession. Sometimes it was just a blank page with a heart and my name etched in cursive in the middle. And the last page... Baekhyun wrote he would die from a broken heart. How he would leave this world loved but unloved by the one he loved the most. How he would never get to experience... Love.

With me.

That night I made a choice.

And I cried in Kyungsoo's arms until I drowned.

Whispering soundless apologies over and over and over.