Confused…

I’m not sure whether I am starting to believe in the lie I created or if I am actually in love with Baekhyun. But how could I be? I love Kyungsoo.
Don’t I?

What is happening to me? I almost feel… Happy. But not a good kind of happy. Happy to wake up next to Baekhyun. Happy to fall asleep with him in my arms but devastated to know that he is leaving me. Who knows how long we have left together. Months? Weeks?

I still can’t cry.

I want to.

I still miss Kyungsoo…

But… I really have changed, haven’t I?

-

“Hold my hand?”

Baekhyun was dressed in a hospital gown as he asked for my hand. I took it without hesitation as the doctor’s examination began. He checked his heart, his lungs, took blood samples, asked about how he was feeling, if he was in pain, if, if, if, when, when, when, what, what, what. There were so many questions I in the end just spaced out. I know I should’ve paid attention but I couldn’t. What answers could Baekhyun give for the doctors to help him? What he really needed was… A new heart. Baekhyun had been on the list for years but there had still not been a donor, still no match.
However, Baekhyun was taking his medicine again and seemed more joyous than ever before. Maybe I really was helping him after all. At least, I found comfort in that.

“So, what do you want to do today?”

After the examination was over and Baekhyun was dressed again, we made our way home. I had taken the day off to take care of Baekhyun instead of 40 crazy kids whom I cared about almost as much as Baekhyun.

“I’m feeling a little tired. Let’s just go home.”

“Come on, Baekie. Uh! Let’s do something crazy!”

“Crazy?”

“Yeah! Let’s… Let’s go to an amusement park! Or we could rent a car and just drive until we find whatever the road leads us to. Pack a bag, go away for a few days. Anything you want.”

Baekhyun grabbed hold of my old denim jacket and made me come to a stop.

“I want to go home.”

“But… Isn’t there anything you want to… see or do before…”

“I have you. That is all I need.”

“But…”

“No. There will always be things I will never experience, places I’ll never travel to, things I’ll never see. If we go away to, I don’t know, Spain, who says I won’t regret not going to, Italy, New York, India. I don’t want to become greedy, Chanyeol. It will just hurt me more than help.”

“And you won’t regret doing nothing with the time you have left?”

“Not as long as I get to spend it with you.”

That seemed to be the end of the discussion as Baekhyun walked past me, heading for the bus. I on the other hand, contemplated whether Baekhyun was being honest or not. He knew I didn’t have a lot of money and neither did he. Of course, sweet, modest Baekhyun wouldn’t want me to waste more of my savings on him than I already had. Still, I couldn’t help but feel I had to do something.

“Are your eyes closed? Close them! And don’t peek! It’ll ruin the surprise!”

I had kicked Baekhyun out of the apartment for the entire day and had let him stew at his parents’ house while I so lovingly prepared my special event for him. I may have gone a bit over board but I thought I had done a good job. Personally, I felt like patting myself on the back an extra time. Slowly, I lead Baekhyun into the entre and bowed down to take off his shoes.

“Chanyeol, what did you do?”

“Nothing! Just shush and be patient. Alright, ready?”

Baekhyun just scoffed at me as I opened the door to our living-room and let the sound of passionate flamenco music greet us.  

“Okay, open your eyes.”

“Oh my…”

I had put most of the biggest furniture up against the back wall and hidden them behind a white sheet. I had also borrowed a projector from the kindergarten and let images from Spain play against the DIY screen. In front of the changing backgrounds of Barcelona, Madrid, Mallorca and Ibiza, stood two café chairs and a charming round table with a glass surface. As the gentleman, I am, I took Baekhyun’s hand and sat him down at one of the chairs.

“Welcome to Spain.”

“How did you… Why did you… Chanyeol.”

“That’s not even the best part.”

Clearing my throat, I sat up straighter and called out.

“Excuse me, waiter?”

A man dressed as a bullfighter came rushing to where we sat with two glasses and a pitcher of sangria.

“We would like a selection of the house’s tapas, por favor.”

Without another word, the so-called waiter bowed down and left for the kitchen. He was only gone for a minute before he came back, holding a tray with a spicy chorizo, Spanish tortilla, serrano ham, deep-fried calamares and last but not least, a bowl filled to the brim with grilled prawns, smothered in garlic.

“Dig in.”

And we did. It wasn’t long before everything was gone and the pitcher empty. Lazily, I patted my stomach and stood up.

“Feel like going for a walk?”

Not waiting for a response, the waiter cleared the table while I took Baekhyun back out to the entre and helped him put on his coat and shoes. Except when Baekhyun made for the front door I quickly grabbed him and nodded towards the living-room.

As we re-entered, our living-room was no longer Spain but Italy and in front of the screen now stood two tread-mills and a fan. The waiter, now dressed as the Godfather, came towards us, and handed us two gelatos, each with three scoops of ice-cream. One scoop was Tiramisu, one Straciatella and one fregola, strawberry.

“Shall we?”

As Pino Villa sang in the background, we both stepped onto each of our tread mill and started walking, while the fan brought a light breeze to our faces. Our hands could easily reach so I took Baekhyun’s hand while we walked along a beautiful beach in Tropea, went sightseeing in adventurous Rome and gondola sailing in Venice.       

When we finished exploring Italy and our gelatos gone, we ended our stroll.

“We’ll that was refreshing. Let’s go hang our coats.”

The third time we entered our living-room, American music greeted our ears. On the screen was an image of Broadway, New York. In front, now stood our couch and two buckets of popcorn with butter. The waiter, dressed as the Phantom of the Opera handed us two hand-made theatre tickets to ‘Wicked’.

We sat down and watched a bootleg version of the musical, eating popcorn and singing along. During the show, I put my arm around Baekhyun’s smaller frame and sat closer to him. During everything, he hadn’t really said anything which worried me a little…
I noticed, in the corner of my eye, a tear sliding down Baekhyun’s pale skin as the duet, ‘For Good’, was being played. I hugged him closer to me and whispered along the lyrics.

“It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend.”

At that moment, Baekhyun burst into tears and hugged me close. It was… Overwhelming but I wanted him to know… I wanted Baekhyun to know exactly how much he meant to me and sometimes, it is just so much easier conveying it through a song.

When the show was over and Baekhyun’s eyes dry, I took his hand and helped him up from the couch. Now dressed in a colourful Indian angrakha, the waiter brought us two cups of milk with cinnamon and lead us into the bedroom where Indian decorations adorned every surface of the room.

“Thanks for your help, Heechul.”

I had employed one of my co-workers from the kindergarten to help out with everything. Luckily, he was a really good guy, he had even come up with a lot of the ideas as well as the dressing up. He gave another bow before promptly leaving, never uttering a single word. He was a strange guy. A good guy, but strange.

“Shall we?”

I shyly looked towards the bed but Baekhyun stood his ground, questioningly staring at me.

“Why did you do this?”

“Why? Well, I thought that since we’re not actually going to go to Europe, I thought I’d… I thought you’d like it.”

“I told you, this would make it so much harder for me.”

“But, we didn’t actually go anywhere. I thought that’d be okay.”

 “You just really don’t get it, Chanyeol.”

Disappointment hit me hard. I thought I was doing a good thing. Apparently, I wasn’t.

“I’m sorry. I thought it’d make you happy.”

“…It did. And now I am going to lament my condition even more. How am I ever going to leave the person who has done so much for me? The person whom I have taken advantage of and secretively loved for so long? I don’t deserve all this, Chanyeol. I don’t.”

Bakehyun sat down on the bed, hiding his face in his hands.

“Yes, you do. You deserve to experience all life has to offer before… it’s too late. You’re the best person I know. You’re selfless, kind, and I love you more than anything. You are the only person I would do this for. You’re my best friend, Baekhyun. You’ll always come first.”

I sat down beside him, put my hand on his back and I felt something stir within myself. It felt both terrifying and sweet at the same time. It urged me to lean in and kiss this boy, this man whom I had known for so many years but never really seen.

Love?

Love…