Angry.
No matter how hard I try to slow my breath, count to ten and let it go… I’m still angry. No, I’m furious! After all this time and Chanyeol that… That… Idiot! Just had to show up and ruin everything! Kyungsoo is now spending his nights in that damn chair and wants nothing but to be left alone. But I can’t do that.
And everything was going so well…

Ruined.

I hate you Chanyeol.
I really do.

-

I’ve seen them kiss before. Plenty of times in fact but seeing them embrace each other now, something inside me wanted to run away. I didn’t want to see it. The way they desperately hung on to each other as if the world was seconds away from ending. Their love for each other that I had thought over had been far from gone. Instead it had been slithering along the surface while patiently waiting for its chance to pull them both back in.
I watched as they parted. I saw Kyungsoo’s confused stare and the bottom of Chanyeol’s shoes as he once again ran away from the best thing that had ever happened to him.

“Chanyeol…”

Even though it had only been a whisper, the name rang clear from where I was hiding in the shadows. A part of me felt the need to put its arms around my old friend while another felt somehow… betrayed.
I shook my head and took a deep breath. I was being selfish again. Just as when I earlier had convinced Kyungsoo to go out and have a couple of beers with me. Kyungsoo had refused at first but caved in the end to my request and I had felt pretty pleased with myself.
I made Kyungsoo feel alive again, is what I had told myself. I made Kyungsoo forget about that no-good Chanyeol and I would help Kyungsoo love again. No matter the cost. This promise I had made to myself started to waver and insecurity took over my previous determination.

“Chanyeol, you idiot.”

There was no anger in Kyungsoo’s voice as he tried to wipe away his tears before they could fall when he himself set into a run in the opposite direction. Without thinking I set after him. Kyungsoo was crying, Kyungsoo needed me. Everything else didn’t matter.

“Kyungsoo, wait!”

My friend kept on running… But I was faster. When I reached him, I grabbed his arm and by force pulled him to a stop before I swung him into my embrace. From the surprise, Kyungsoo struggled against my body but eventually gave in and dug his fingers into my back while crying softly against my chest.

“Wh-What am I going to do now, Jongin?”

Kyungsoo sounded so lost.
I didn’t blame him. Instead I took a deep breath and gently kissed him on the top of his head.

“I think… That if you still love him… Fight for him.”

For a moment we both stood frozen in place contemplating what I had just said. Words I was already regretting.

“Fight for Chanyeol?”

“… It’s clear he still has feelings for you. Maybe if you…”

“What about Baekhyun?”

“What about him?”

“He loves him too.”

I sighed. That part was true. For as long as I had known them it had been pretty obvious that Baekhyun was smitten by Chanyeol and yet the giant had never noticed. I wondered what had happened to make Chanyeol finally realise Baekhyun’s feelings.

“I’m surprised you don’t hate Baekhyun’s guts. He was the one that stole Chanyeol from you.”

“I can’t make myself blame him. If he is the one who confessed to Chanyeol first, then I can only blame Chanyeol for accepting his feelings.”

“Kyungsoo…”

“I thought I was getting over him. I really did… Now, I’m not so sure anymore.”

With that Kyungsoo let go off me with a sigh and turned around to leave.

“I… I’ll walk you home.”

“Thank you Jongin but I think I’d like to be alone tonight.”

“Are you sure?”

A strained smile meant for my benefit did nothing to ease my concern as Kyungsoo nodded his head yes.  

“I’ll see you Jongin.”

“Yeah, see you.”

That night I secretly followed Kyungsoo home.
Just in case.

A week passed without as much as a word from Kyungsoo. When I called he didn’t pick up. When I came to his house he didn’t answer the door. I tried calling him at work but they just told me Kyungsoo was taking sick leave. I was losing patience. And concern kept me awake at night.

Another few days passed before I was awoken at 5 in the morning by a knocking on my door. Grumpy and sleep-deprived I went to answer, calling out ‘who is it’ on my way.

“Open the door Jongin!”

 That voice gave me pause. Was that… Was it?

Quickly I flung the door open to find Kyungsoo storm past me, heading straight for the kitchen.

“… Kyungsoo?!... Where’s the fire?”

Following him I found him digging through my fridge and cupboards until he turned to me with a disapproving look on his face.

“You’re out of milk.”

“…So?”

“So, don’t just put the empty milk carton back into the fridge, you sloth.”

Kyungsoo then proceeded to take off his suit jacket, flung it over a chair, rolled up his sleeves and in the end sent me a dumbfounded stare.

“What are you still doing here? Run to the corner shop for more milk. And while you’re there see if they have Nutella.”

“Why?”

Kyungsoo hesitated before answering me with a slight smile on his lips.

“Why? Because its Sunday. Its pancake day.”

“Why didn’t you return my calls?”

After a quick milk run I had hurried back and was now sitting in front of Kyungsoo eating breakfast. He had been quiet all the while whisking and flipping the cakes around and I guess I had been too intimidated to break the silence but my curiosity was getting the better of me. I had to know. Indifferently Kyungsoo took a bite of his food before replying.

“I didn’t want to see you. Don’t look so hurt Jongin. I didn’t want to see anyone.”

Another bite.

“I needed to be alone and figure out if I really did still have feelings for Chanyeol. Turns out… I do.”

I sighed. Perhaps a little too obviously but Kyungsoo never stopped eating.

“I still have feelings for Chanyeol. But they are not feelings of love. I think… I think they are feelings of regret.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not sure. Just… regret. Regret from not having read the signs earlier. Regret from ignoring Baekhyun’s feelings. Regret from… allowing Chanyeol to get under my skin. And… regret from…”

Kyungsoo put down his fork looking uneasy.

“From what Kyungsoo?”

My friend looked up at me with a serious expression.

“Settling.”

“What do you mean?”

“…Chanyeol is a great guy but he wasn’t… He wasn’t the one. If that even exists. No, he was just a guy I knew was crazy about me and I settled for that because… I was either too lazy or too scared to search out the real deal.”

For whatever reason, Kyungsoo’s words made me feel agitated. My best friend had chosen Chanyeol out of convenience?!

“Are you saying that you wasted nine years of your life because you were too lazy to reject the guy?!”

I stood up, took my plate and threw it in the sink. I had no idea why I was getting so worked up about it but the anger that rose in me told me that it would be best to go clear my head before I’d say something I might regret.

“I’m sorry. I just… I need a minute.”

I made it maybe two steps before Kyungsoo grabbed my arm hard while glaring at me.

“What are you getting so upset for?! I’m the idiot who wasted my life on a guy who in the end turned out to be madly in love with his best friend! I am the one who is having his life picked apart, the one whose memories have all been one big fat lie! I’m the one who should be furious and God- damn-it I am!”

Kyungsoo finally let go of me. Scoffing he took his jacket and started towards the door.

“I’m sorry for being such a bad person but of all people, I thought at least you would understand. Or at least try. Enjoy breakfast. Or whatever.”

I watched Kyungsoo hurry off and even though I wanted to, I simply didn’t have the strength to stop him.