I’m not doing so good.

Nope. Definitely not doing good.
 

“I’m sorry for being such a bad person but of all people, I thought at least you would understand. Or at least try. Enjoy breakfast. Or whatever.”
 

 After my so-called conversation with Jongin, I was too worked up to do anything. A part of me wanted to punch something, another wanted to cry pitifully on Jongin’s doorstep, and a third just wanted for this to be over. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare 9 years prior and make everything differently. I would ignore every single one of Chanyeol’s advances and definitely not give in to his pestering ways of life!
Or love for that matter.

And Baekhyun… I guess he isn’t doing much better than I am.
Or at least he wasn’t a few weeks back. 

-

I had just turned into bed. Yes, I actually slept in my bed again. After having slept on the floor for quite some time now, my back was now starting to reprimand me for being so pathetic. So back to bed it was. It was definitely much more comfortable. Much more… Slowly drifting off, I was suddenly awoken by a rigorous banging on my door.

“Jeez. I’m coming, I’m coming! What?”

As I pulled my front door open, I was met with the sight of my old yellow armchair and an awful looking Baekhyun fidgeting on my doorstep.  

“Baekhyun? What are you doing here?”                                                 

“… I’m here to return this to you.”

Baekhyun quickly gestured towards the armchair.

“I don’t want it in my home… We. Don’t want it.”

‘We’… Caught up in an old memory, I just nodded at my former friend.

“That’s really all I wanted.”

Baekhyun awkwardly cleared his throat before meeting my eyes, gave me a nod, and turned to leave.

“Wait. Can we talk?”

I didn’t know what I was thinking as I shouted the words at a hesitating Baekhyun, who in the end ended up in my living-room, shuffling awkwardly until I gestured for him to sit down.

“Please, sit… How are you?”

Sighing, Baekhyun sat down next to me on the couch, all the while making sure to keep a good chunk of space between the two of us.

“Why do you care?”

“Baekhyun, we’re… We were friends. I’m not… Particular happy about you and Chanyeol but, I-I miss you. I didn’t just loose Chanyeol, I also lost you and… I just want to know if you’re happy, if you’ve been well… If anything has happened…”

The fresh memory of Chanyeol’s lips on mine a few weeks back, reluctantly crossed my mind.

“Friends… Kyungsoo, we were never friends. You just showed up and stole Chanyeol from me, one day to the other. All I’ve done is take him back. Accept that and stop worrying about me. Because I am certainly not worrying about you. And neither is Chanyeol.”

With that, Baekhyun rose to his feet and stormed out. Me on the other hand, I couldn’t help but stay in my seat. Baekhyun’s words might have been spiteful but I knew the guy, and I knew he didn’t mean it. I also knew he’d come back, which is exactly what he did.

“… I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun sat down next to me again, this time closer than before.

“I shouldn’t have said that. And we were friends… Before I… messed everything up.”

He sighed. Biting his lip, Baekhyun moved closer to me.

“I shouldn’t have done what I did, but it’s too late to take it back now. I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo but I love him too. And I don’t want to lose him before I… I can’t lose him again. I need to make this work.”

There was something strange about the far-off look in Baekhyun’s eyes, as if he was seeing something I wasn’t. Something vital.

“He still cares about you. No matter how hard I try to make him forget you, there are times I just know he sees you when he looks at me. Kyungsoo, what is it about you? What is it that you did to make him this crazy about you?”

Honesty, I had no idea.

“Truthfully? Nothing, unless rejection is what rocks his boat.”  

Fidgeting for a second, I finally took courage and held Baekhyun’s hand.

“I know you’ve been in love with Chanyeol for a very long time and I’m sorry if you feel I took him from you but now you have him… Baekhyun, are you happy like this?”

Baekhyun grew silent before he slowly started shaking his head no.

“I’m not happy. But I’m miserable without him. God, I’m so pathetic.”

A fresh tear made its way down Baekhyun’s pale skin, compelling me to pull him into a hug.

“It’s okay Baekhyun. Love makes us all do crazy things. And if you really love him? I’m sure he’ll come around.”

Baekhyun stayed with me for another half an hour before helping me move the chair inside.

“I have to ask, but why is the chair so special?”

Baekhyun sat down in it, patting the armrests.

“Uh, it’s the first furniture we bought together? We used to sit in it and read, watch movies, be inti… other things. It’s silly but, in that chair is where I first told Chanyeol that I… loved him…”  

I probably shouldn’t have told Baekhyun because he got to his feet in the matter of milliseconds, shaking his head.

“I should have known… I should have known.”

“Baekhyun, I don’t… You don’t have to believe me but I don’t feel that way about Chanyeol anymore. He hurt me a lot when he left me for you and I was so angry at you both. I’m not anymore and… I do hope you will be very happy together.”

“I know you mean well, Kyungsoo, but if you really think that, you’re lying to yourself more than I am to me. It was… Despite the circumstances, nice seeing you again. And since I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye before…”     

Baekhyun timidly stepped forward and hugged me close.

“Thank you for everything. And… Try to forgive Chanyeol. He means well…”

Apologetically, Baekhyun stepped back and took a deep breath.

“Goodbye, Kyungsoo.”

“Bye, Baekhyun…”

-

As I lay in bed, embraced by self-pity, and speculations about Baekhyun’s farewell, there was a knocking on my door. Scenarios ran through my head about who it could be. Maybe it was Baekhyun, needing someone to talk to. It couldn’t be Chanyeol, could it? Nah, the probability of it being a psychopath, here to turn me into front page news, was a hundred times more likely. Conjuring up more images in my mind, the knocking became more and more insistent that I in the end reluctantly left my bed and headed for the door.

“Who is it?”

“Open the door Kyungsoo.”

“Jongin?”

And right I was. There he stood, right in front of me, looking ever so confused.

“What?”

“Why haven’t you called?”

“Why?”

Pushing past me, Jongin went inside, not stopping until he stood in the exact same spot as Baekhyun had weeks prior.

“You just walked out on me and I don’t hear from you for weeks?”

“Wait, why are you angry? You were the one saying you needed time!”

“Well, obviously, I didn’t think you were going to do that! And yes, I could have called but I was under the impression that you were mad at me and that it was you who needed the time! But now I’m here, I understand, and I am not going anywhere until I get my pancakes! Because it is Sunday and you owe me. And that’s final.”

With that, my friend made a beeline for the kitchen and before I knew it, I heard my fridge open.

“You’re out of milk!”

I couldn’t help the wide smile spreading on my face. I knew we still had to talk about what happened but it was a start and it was pancake day.
I quickly headed for the kitchen and watched as Jongin went through my cupboards. Quietly, I stepped behind him and put my arms around his stomach, all the while trying to convey just how much I had missed him.

“Thank you, Jongin, for being the bigger man. I’ll go get the milk.”

I swear, until this day, pancakes never tasted more sweet.