Day 114

Today…
Today is not a good day.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours in a blur and I can’t but help feel like I’m the worst person in the entire world. What’s worse is that… it’s true.
I really am the worst.

-

I ached all over when I woke up that morning. I should have gotten used to it by now but stubborn as I was, I kept on sleeping in that damn chair.
Baekhyun had been gone for… a few weeks? Maybe a month... or two? Really, I had no idea. After our fight I woke up to an empty apartment. No note, no nothing. What he did leave me was an awful taste in my mouth and a pang of guilt that no amount of alcohol could diminish. What a cliché, huh? There I was with a hangover that very much equaled open brain surgery but without the anesthetic and still I reached for the bottle of soju tugged in between my knees.

If it wasn’t already obvious, then I can tell you that I was a huge mess. The moment I realized that Baekhyun wasn’t going to come back, I panicked. I texted him, called him, I showed up at his parents’ doorstep and their eyes were filled with such disapproval that I just ran. I had no idea if he was still alive or at the hospital or if a miracle had happened and his heart was no longer overflowing with love for me and…  Then there was Kyungsoo.

It was strange. It was as if I was starting to forget what he looked like. Like, I could see him. An outline of a sort, but whenever I tried reaching out for it or tried getting closer it simply faded. And it frightened me. It felt as though my heart was starting to forget. So I would drink to try and remember us and I recalled many a thing.

There was the time we spent New Year’s Eve taste testing 10 different types of champagne, ending up rolling around under the colourful sky while whispering promises of forever.

The time Kyungsoo came home in a somber mood because someone from work had eaten the lunch I had packed for him that morning. I had laughed and scooped him into my arms while telling him that everything was going to be okay. But the funniest part was that the lunch had only contained a small pack of Doritos, a pop-tart and an apple and Kyungsoo was still whining his head off. He was so cute.

There was the time we first met… And then there was our first time.

had never really been a subject in our conversations. Of course I’d had thoughts about it, especially since we started sharing a bed but it had been mostly innocent ideas like… How it would feel holding his hand or wake up with my arms strewn around his probably soft body, his head on my chest… I guess since we were both new to these experiences, we were both too bashful to talk about it. We did however get to discuss it after a very awkward movie night watching Magic Mike. Both of us didn’t really know what to do, we knew we had urges and we knew we wanted our first time to be special.
And it was.
It was something that I will cherish forever. Something that I will be able to look back on when I’m old and grey as a pure moment of perfection. Of love.

That’s when I woke up, my heart hurting and unable to breathe.
No matter what happened I would always have that moment, and Baekhyun… would not.
And if possible, it made me hate myself a little bit more.

In my misery, stupid as I was, I decided that getting drunk alone was not the answer. I chucked the rest of the soju before checking the time. 10.55 PM. On shaky legs I managed to find my way to the bathroom and just stood for a moment staring at my pathetic reflection. My eyes were red and felt heavy. Fine lines were starting to show on my face as a testament to the fact that I was getting older, maturing yet my life seemed to be falling apart. Sliding a hand through greasy curls I sighed, slowly trying to put a smile on my face. The smile seemed that of a broken man but I felt more comfortable hidden behind a smile than showing my true feelings.    

The soju was still in my blood as I ventured into the night. The air was humid yet felt cool on my skin as I surged through the masses of people looking for a good time. Everyone had someone. A friend by the arm or a lover in hand. There were couples in the making, people who shyly let their fingers touch while secretive smiles entered their faces. And there was I. All alone. It made me resent them. It made me want to scream at them for being happy, ignorant of the future and most likely of my future.
Quickly I entered the nearest club and went straight to the bar for a cold one and a shot. The numbing alcohol felt amazing as it trickled down my throat, burning my inside on the way down and slowly everything started to vanish. All worries, all thoughts of Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, myself. I got lost in the heavy bass and the whirl of bodies dancing to the beat. But just as I started feeling better two people suddenly stood out of the crowd. It made me sick. There on the dance floor were my Kyungsoo dancing with Kim Jongin looking sickeningly happy in each others company and at once turned me green with jealousy. It reminded me of the past. Back then Kyungsoo always looked the happiest whenever Jongin was around. It had always made me feel like second price but I was in love to over both my ears and wanted nothing but to make Kyungsoo mine.
I kept watching them until Jongin with his arm around Kyungsoo headed for an empty booth. Battling a little against my better judgment which was lets be hones too intoxicated to function, I stumbled my way over to their table.

“If it ain’t my great pal Jongin and my former lover Kyungsoo out and about together.”

Their previous smiles were gone in an instant. I guess they were not happy to see me.

 “Hyung? What are you doing here?”

Jongin slipped out of the booth to shield away Kyungsoo.

“I see you’re taking good care of Kyungsoo. That’s sweet, Mr. knight in shining armour.”

“Hyung…”

“Well, keeper of that which is precious stand aside, please.  I need to talk to my ex-boyfriend.”

Even in my state, I took notice of Jongin’s reluctant expression. My friend took a long second mulling things over before he turned to Kyungsoo.

“Are you okay with this?”

“He is a grown man Jongin. No need to fuss.”

He ignored my comment until Kyungsoo finally made the faintest of nod in his direction.

“See? He’s fine. Now mush, boy.”

I had only just sat down opposite of Kyungsoo before he had leaned in. Out of habit I did the same, reminded of all the times we had kissed before and with a strong sense of want.

“Kyungie…”

“.”

Before I had time to process what he had said a shooting pain interrupted my train of thoughts. Kyungsoo had kicked my shin and was now making his way through the heavy crowd, heading for the exit but even with a limp, I managed to keep up with him. Outside the cool air hit me hard and made me feel sick from the liquor. I kept it down but had to swallow a few times before I was able to call out his name.

“Kyungsoo! I just want to talk!”

“Go to hell Chanyeol.”

“I’m already there.”

In my dizziness I managed to grab hold of him.

“Wait!”

“For what?! For you to break my heart again? For an explanation? You already gave me one, remember? I’m not the one, wasn’t that your exact words?!”

Ashamed I averted his furious gaze. Those words… Keeping up the appearance of indifference… I almost hadn't been able to let the sentence leave my lips but I'd had to do it. For Baekhyun.

“… I miss you.”

Kyungsoo merely scoffed at me.

“You are unbelievable. And drunk. Go back to your so-called true love, love. I am not wasting any more time on you.”

Although his voice was full of conviction, Kyungsoo didn’t move. He just stood there watching me as if expecting me to stop him. So I did. Without a second thought, I quickly slipped my left arm around his waist, put my right hand behind the back of his head and smashed our lips together in a passionate kiss… And I was home.
With Kyungsoo I was finally able to let go of everything, I could be vulnerable and I was as I finally let my tears fall with Kyungsoo’s hands cupping my face.  

“Chanyeol…”

Kyungsoo broke the kiss. Confusion in his eyes and worry was edged onto his forehead as he slowly backed away from me.

“Kyungie… I-I’m… I’m so sorry.”

All of a sudden my mind wandered off and guilt ate me whole as images of Baekhyun’s frail smile scorched my eyes. Out of cowardice I stuttered out another apology before running as fast as I could away from Do Kyungsoo. 

A/N 

I'm back! After... Wow, 5 months hiatus Oo 
To quote Chanyeol: I am soooo soorry! But life and inspiration etc it hasn't been good. Somewhere in the middle I lost interest in writing but now I think its finally back. Hopefully xD 
Anyhow, thank you for reading, subscribing and commenting! I will try my best to keep this story going til the end and I hope you will be there with your awesome support! Once again, thank you!