A whirlwind of questions storm into my mind as I dial a number… but it’s not the one Suzy handed me.

No—because even though I’m scared to death that something might have happened to him, I think he knows what he’s doing. Instead, I pressed call on the one person I need the most right now, and that person is not Kai.

It’s Jae.

“Please, please pick up...” I whisper, wiping my tears away while I pace back and forth, unable to stop myself from circling around my little apartment nervously. The number Suzy gave me is lying crumpled on my dining table, and before I do anything irreversibly dumb, I need a quick sanity check first.

“Seul? Iseul? Hey, are you okay?”

Jae’s panicked voice suddenly fills my ears and I let out a cry of relief. “Jae!! Oh my God you won’t believe this—wait, did you ask if I’m okay? Did you... did you hear anything?”

“I—I asked the guys because everything’s a mess with Kai gone. We need him for several things and so D.O. told me a brief story of what happened and how Suzy was just on her way to you when I heard. What the is she... or are they doing? I can’t believe this! Did she actually come to you?! After everything she did?”

For some reason, hearing Jae rant about all this helps calm my nerves. “Jae, uh, yeah... she did.”

I told her all about the events that transpired several minutes ago, to which she reacts with a sharp ‘what!’ and a foul scream.

“Screw whatever she said about setting things right—so she basically finally gave up on trying to restrict Kai, right? That’s it? That’s why she came back?”

Her last few words cause a pang in my chest. The nagging voice in my head has been whispering about this already but hearing it from someone else is different. It’s now confirmed. Suzy is just doing this because she finally realized that she can’t win. Now, doing this is what would probably give her the second-best alternative: eventual forgiveness, if I were to assume what she expects.

She’s… she’s probably not doing this for me at all.

Well, maybe a small part is, but… I doubt it.

The taste of this realization is like bile—considering how we’ve been friends for a number of years.  I guess at the end of the day, her loyalty and first priority is the HOC.

And she is the HOC—as true as Kai is. But not me. 

Never mind how much her actions would have hurt me. Honestly, her ability to box up feelings and switch gears as firmly as she has done is impressive. There’s only one reason I can think of that would explain this…

Which is there’s a part of her that wants Kai too.

What was it she once said? Childhood best friends? But aren’t they somewhat related?

Maybe she doesn’t necessarily want him romantically, but a selfish part of her that clung to the past just still insists on being the number one person in Kai’s life. That shouldn’t be a good enough excuse to kick me out of the radar though. Maybe she just didn’t like me for Kai either. Maybe… maybe if I were Jae, for example…

“Iseul? Hey, are you there?”

“O-oh, sorry… yeah. I am,” I rub my face, sitting down. “I was just doing some thinking. I just… I just can’t understand Suzy.”

“Yeah, this whole situation with her and how she’s reacting—it . I’m sorry. She was your friend too. I don’t really know what to say about this… I’m sorry.”

“That’s exactly it. She’s been my friend for many years, you know? I just thought that maybe she’d… even in this new life, she’d acknowledge it. I don’t know how she turned so cold—like I can’t think of a strong enough reason other than maybe she wanted Kai for herself too. I don’t know. This isn’t the important part, really, I feel like I shouldn’t be dwelling on this because she said she’s gonna stay out of things now. What were things like, by the way? Do you know, Jae? What was Kai like with Suzy?”

“I haven’t really been working or interacting with them much, to be honest, and I think they made it that way to keep things as… not messy as possible. People don’t dare to talk about him around here, but from the way they’re acting, I think he’s just been a lot more irritable and especially spiteful to Suzy.”

“Oh,” I say, not sure what to make out of it.

A bit of silence ensues. I’ve stopped crying at some point, and right now, I just feel… nothing. I feel blank and empty and clueless. Hella indecisive at that, too.  

“She said she’d stay out of it,” I muse, more to myself than to Jae.

“It’s kind of funny how she had a recording, isn’t it?” Jae says. “Maybe she had always intended to help patch things up between the two of you when circumstances allowed.”

Oh, that’s right actually? But…

“But that’s not consistent with how… mean she’s been otherwise! I feel like this is more of a backup plan for her, if she ever ended up needing to fix anything—which apparently, she did. Holy , is she really this calculating?”

Screw Kai for a moment, I have got to also figure out what’s going on with Suzy!

“I don’t know, it’s… I’m sorry, Seul. I can’t even imagine how shocking this must’ve been.”

I sigh. “I just... I don’t know if there’s a catch to what she’s saying, you know? Because I really… really can’t go through this again.”

Jae doesn’t respond, so I continue.

“You know I was in such a good place to leave all this behind me? I haven’t told you yet, but there’s this guy at work who... well, he seems like a really nice and caring guy. I still think about Kai, but with Lucas around I... I think I’ve been well on my way to forgetting.”

Why is talking about this so draining?

“It took me so long to get to this point. I know I’m not the strongest but I was getting there. I was moving past it. But then everything since yesterday happened and today I learned that he... he actually loves me. Now it’s the only thing I’ll be able to think of. Does he? Does he really?”

“You know there’s only one person who can answer that,” Jae says quietly. “And I think the way he’s raising hell because some bastards nearly got to you yesterday is pretty telling.”

I stay silent, considering. Is that a good enough indicator? He’s really just doing what he’s used to, isn’t he?

Jae pauses hesitantly. “Even before the day he said it—he’s loved you for quite some time, I think.”

I close my eyes because suddenly, I feel like crying again. “Well if he—I just, I just can’t go through something like this again. I want him to... I want him to promise that he’ll—he’ll fight. I want him to fight for me. I want him to tell the truth. I want him to make me feel loved, I want him to say it, and....“

As the words begin to tumble out, I pause.

“I want so many things, actually.”

“Iseul,” Jae’s voice is gentle. “I’m not the one you should be telling all this to.”

The crumpled piece of paper seems to glow bright before me. She’s right.

“You know what you want. You know what to ask for. Now it’s just up to you to square up and... actually ask for it.

I’m chewing furiously on my inner cheeks as I think about it. The only thing that’s stopping me is the memory of the pain when I was cut off, and the fiery sensation of never wanting to experience something like that again. But other than that…

I remember how he makes my heart leap. He does it with every smile, every witty remark, and every kiss. The sun seemed to shine brighter when I was in Disneyland with him, and the darkness didn’t seem so bad when he’s lying next to me. Despite all that he is, with me he’s soft and reassuring and playful and charming and all that—all that makes me feel so many things even when I’m just… looking at him.

And no one else makes me feel as strongly as this.

My train of thoughts lead to one clear destination only.

Every atom in my body still misses him.

So much.

I find my voice again. “I’m going to do it.”

It takes a moment for claim to really sink in. My fingers tremble as I hang up on the current call and tap a different sequence of numbers on my screen.

—I can’t believe this. After so long, to think that today I might… I might hear him and see him again? And touch him? No… this feels too surreal.

The torturous dial tone starts, and it takes every ounce of willpower in me to not hang up in fear. What if… what if he doesn’t care anymore? What if, for any reason, he’d rather not come back to me?

The thought makes me sick, and I continue pacing all over my house to calm myself down. This feels like the jitters I get before an interview but a million times worse. Every second stretches and the dial tone of doom seems to drag on forever until—

It stops.

My whole body goes rigid and I swear the solar system stops spinning as well.

I hear nothing on the other side of the line—if it is indeed Kai, he sounds like he’s holding his breath too.

For some reason, logic and precaution kicks into my brain before I say anything. What if it’s not him? What if whoever he was hunting down has gotten to him and they have his phone—

“Hello?”

Before I can stop myself, I gasp.

That voice.

It’s lower and more tired and lacking the confidence I remember, but it’s his. This is really him.

Tears immediately well up in my eyes again and I don’t know what to say. , I should have planned this out. Now what do I say to him?!

“Kai?” I whisper, barely able to hear myself over my own thunderous heartbeat. There, I said it. He should know it’s me. But why isn’t he saying anything?

“Jongin?”

There’s a sharp intake of breath from his side as well. Then, one syllable.

“Seul?”

I press the phone firmly to my ear, clutching it with both hands. I’m terrified of losing him.

“Seul, is that really you?”

Hearing him call my name sends tears cascading down my cheeks, and with it, all the words I’ve been holding in.

“I—they told me you went after the guys from yesterday all alone, did you? Why? I’m fine and you shouldn’t be doing anything stupid. She said they haven’t been able to reach you at all and they didn’t even know if you’d even still be alive—”

At that, a sob slips out.

“Oh no,” Kai breathes. “B—Iseul, please don’t cry—”

“I hate you,” I spit, the venom surprising both him and me. “You, and Suzy, and the HOC, but most importantly you, Kai, because after everything you said to me the day I was forced to leave, turns out you… you love me?”

There are too many emotions competing for expression in my brain right now. At the moment, anger, hurt, and confusion form one winning team.

“Suzy came to me with a recording,” I continue, hiccupping. “She somehow kept what you said in the car that day when I guess she made you fire me. I don’t know what she was thinking, but so which one is it, Kai? What you told Suzy, or what you told me?”

The memory of screaming the wretched three words in desperation only to hear the opposite comes back like a splinter in the center of my heart.

“Iseul, I’m sorry,” he finally says, his voice heartbreakingly strained. “I’m so, so sorry—I know you hate me. But it was complicated, and I wanted to tell you, but Suzy…”

“I don’t know if you know this yet, but she said she isn’t going to meddle anymore now,” I tell him, almost begging. “So are you finally going to tell me?”

He doesn’t immediately answer and I nearly punch the wall in frustration.

“Kai, you can’t keep me hanging like this. I was doing so well until Suzy barged back into my life tonight. Was that you at the club last night? Was it you who knocked the bastard at the bar down? Did you also put me in the VVIP suite? And did you mean what you said in the recording, or is this more of the HOC’s twisted lies?”

The dam is broken and everything is flooding out. At this point, everything I say is pure instinct.

“I need to know, Kai, do you love me? Do you really?”

The empty seconds that follow could not have been more frightening.

“Seo Iseul…” Kai begins, his voice hoarse, “I love you more than anything.”

My vision blurs again. “Do you still?”

“Like I said. More than anything.”

I close my eyes, letting the words sink in. Oh God. I can’t believe this is happening.

“Then come here,” I say firmly. “Whoever you’re still going after, it can wait. I’m fine, aren’t I? Just forget about those guys and come here.”

The minutes that come after that feel like an eternity. I shower, organize my groceries, and do literally everything else I can think of to calm my nerves down but nothing’s helping. God dammit, what’s taking Kai so long anyway? He said he’ll be here soon, but I forgot to ask where exactly he is. What if he’s several hours away from Seoul?

I check the time on my phone. It’s almost 2 AM already.

And you know what they say… nothing good ever happens past 2 AM.

I quickly shake the thought away and concentrate on my action plan for once he gets here. To be clear, this is not going to be a simple 3-minute kiss and make up story. I want him back, I really do, but like I said (a million times by now), I can’t go through that kind of heartbreak again.

I know what I want. When he gets here, I need to make sure he’s capable of giving it before I let him back into my life again.

But —will I be able to do this?

No. I have to. I just have to—for myself, at the very least.

I bite my fingernails furiously, mentally shaking myself to stay awake and alert. Dammit, why is he taking so long? Should I run down to the 24-hour convenience store beside my building for some coffee? I feel like I might need it.

Wait. Is he okay? What if in the middle of the way he runs into something…

A chill runs up my spine. Should I try calling him again? It’s been almost 2 hours already.

But then again if he’s been on the run since yesterday, then it would make sense for him to be far away from Seoul by now. Where could he possibly be? Oh God, who’s taking care of Jongguk?

At the thought of him, a new wave of sickness overtakes me and I suddenly have this extremely strong urge to run to that damned HOC headquarters building and check up on him. How could he just leave Jongguk like that?! Is he insane or stupid?! , I hate him so much I just… urgh!!

Before I know it I’m on my feet. I can’t do this. I’m too stressed out. I need to grab some ice cream or coffee or something and I know I just went grocery shopping, but my didn’t think I’d need it. Stupid 8 PM rational brain preaching about cutting back on caffeine and sugar—now I have to go out in the cold all alone. I hate it here.

Although… going out alone isn’t such a good idea, is it? Because what happened the last time I went out alone again?

But the convenience store is practically just riiight beside my building, and there’s the overnight security guy at the front desk too, plus Kai who’s going to be here shortly. Well, maybe I shouldn’t count on Kai, but…

But I really, really need to get something sweet if he’s not going to be here soon! And isn’t this building tied to the HOC? Isn’t that how they put me here in the first place? This place has got to be safe, right?

Ok, too much thinking, not enough doing. For the love of God let’s just go, Iseul! You could have gone and gotten back by now!

Before my chicken – or sensible? – brain talks me out of it again, I quickly throw on a hoodie and slip into my sneakers, half-stepping on them. Grabbing my phone, keys, wallet, and a mask, I yank my door open—

--only to come face-to-face with a half-raised fist that looks like it was about to knock, belonging to none other than Kai. Kim Jongin.

My keys clatter to the floor.

Oh God, oh , he’s here. How did I plan to react again? Am I hallucinating? Is this really him? Is it someone disguised as him? Oh, even in the dim light he’s so beautiful… he looks exactly like I remember. Wait, no, the corner of his lip is bleeding—

“Hi,” he croaks, forcing me back to Earth. He takes a step forward and I can practically feel my brain giving up on producing a reaction. All the returning memories and feelings have me frozen solid and just barely aware of my mouth hanging ajar.  

He speaks up again. “Where were you going?”

, he’s really here. Believe it or not, he’s right here in front of me. If I reached out, I’d be able to touch him. Oh God, how does he look so perfect still? The windswept hair, the dark, slightly melancholic eyes, the sharp, chiseled jaw, and even the busted lip—how long has it been?

I had dreamt of our reunion for months. But for some reason, I’d never thought that it’d be like this.

“Iseul… please say something,” Kai pleads, his voice softer than I could have ever imagined. “I can’t tell what you’re thinking of. Do you still need to head out?”

Crap, I must’ve been staring at him like a madman for ages by now. Getting it together, I shake my head.

“I… is that really you?” I gulp, still unsure of whether it’s him or some other kind of deception by the HOC. So maybe I’m acting a little paranoid, but given the magnitude of lies they tell, can you blame me?!

“It is,” he says. “Do you want me to prove it?”

“How are you going to?”

“Ask me what song was playing when we first kissed,” he replies, effectively triggering the tears again. “Of course, if you still remember it.”

How could I forget? Since that night, Wildest Dreams never sounded the same again.

“What song was it, then?”

“Wildest Dreams,” Kai answers without a delay. “Just as the first chorus was ending.”

Okay. So he got it right… now what?

. Is it too late for us? Have things dried up already?

“Ask me something else, if you still don’t believe me.”

“It’s not that!” I cry, frustrated by how difficult this whole situation is.  “I just can’t believe that you—well first, you’re here, and second, where have you been? Why did you even do something so stupid?! How could you just run off alone like that—what if you had needed your team?! What about Jongguk?! Has it never occurred to you that if anything happened to you, he would also—”

I had to pause at the thought of Jongguk, and I buy myself some time by bending down to pick up my keys. After collecting myself, I continue. “He would also be very affected?! What the hell are you thinking?”

My voice is really climbing octaves, but I can’t help it. Kai makes me feel like I want to kick him out and punch him and kiss him all at once. How the does he do it?

Kai briefly glances around him. “I want to tell you everything, but can we do this inside? Would you… can I come in?”

I feel like I’m in a trance as I slowly shuffle backward, kicking off my shoes again. Kai takes his first step in. Suddenly, this decently-sized apartment seems to have shrunk drastically, and on a completely unrelated note, I now have trouble breathing.

“Argh,” I hear a quiet groan as Kai bends down to take off his shoes. My panic meter can’t help but immediately rise. 

“What? What is it?”

“Nothing, I just…” Kai turns around to face me, and the butterflies attack again. “Is there somewhere I can sit down?”

“Dining table,” I scan him from head-to-toe trying to figure out what’s the matter with him. He looks perfectly fine, except—

“Wait, are you bleeding?” I shriek, peering closer at the slightly darker patch on his black shirt. “Kai?! You’re bleeding, aren’t you?!”

God, if his internal organs turn out to be bleeding because he tried to singlehandedly take down a whole gang and now I have to bring him to a stupid hospital alone at this time of the day, I swear I’m never going to forgive him.

He hobbles over and plops himself down on a chair, grimacing a bit. “Not really, I took care of it already—”

“Properly?” I ask, shooting him a look that said I knew he didn’t. “Wait.”

I rush to my kitchen cabinets and take out my basic first-aid kit that I keep for emergencies. Making sure to wash my hands, I grab a hand towel, a bowl of water, and some soap before heading back to where Kai is sitting. I’m a klutz but at least I know it. I live prepared!

Questioning him, or even talking to him, becomes a second thought now that there’s a wound to treat. I sit in the dining table chair beside him—luckily I’ve got two chairs even though I live alone. I open the box and start taking out some gauze and other things I might need.

“Up,” I tell him.

“Huh?” , it’s unfair how insanely beautiful even his confused expression is.

“L-lift your shirt up,” I instruct, trying to keep my face and thoughts straight. 2 months ago, I would’ve used this as an excuse to jump on him.

“I’m fine,” he says like an automated voicemail response.

“Kai,” I begin slowly, “I’m glad if you think you are, but you are rarely the best the judge of that.”

Kai holds my gaze wordlessly for a moment before finally obeying. Keeping his eyes on me, he pulls up his fitted black turtleneck.

In different circumstances, the sight of his skin and lean, defined abs would’ve made me feel something else. Something beginning with a capital L. But no, not this time. Not when there’s a fresh cut about 4 inches long staring back at me.

“You call this fine?!” I cry immediately, a headache starting to form. God, I called him here to make things right but instead I suddenly have a patient at 2 in the morning! “And which part of this is you taking care of it?”

“It’s not bleeding anymore!” Kai argues, and oh, the audacity of this to raise his voice at me!

He must’ve noticed his mistake because he shrinks a little when I throw a glare at him. “It’s not dressed or anything. Did you even clean it properly? Are you trying to catch an infection? Hold still.”

“What are you gonna—ah!”

Without a warning, I lean forward and gently dab the wetted towel with a bit of soap on it, slowly cleaning his wound. I use the other end of the towel for water only and press it all over the length of the cut, taking care to sanitize it. Kai lets me continue without protesting, so I focus my energy on the first-aid treatment I’m administering and not something else like… you know. Abs. Abs moving in and out as he breathes. Kai’s light panting. Good God, my body is such a traitor!

Instinctively, I jerk away and Kai gives me a questioning look. I shake my head, hoping to hide my face behind my hair, and busy myself with the little tube of antibiotic ointment sitting in my kit. , this is so nerve-wracking—no words are being exchanged but why are my ears buzzing?

Clearing my throat, I keep my gaze lowered to avoid his which I’m quite positive is burning into me. Tucking my hair behind my ear, I lightly blot some ointment on his open skin and quickly press a sanitary gauze over it. Gesturing at him to help me press on it, I turn back to my kit to cut some medical tape.

But , my hands are shaking so bad. I look at him by mistake, only to find him already looking at me with an unreadable expression.

“Why are you staring?” I ask dumbly.

“I can’t help it,” Kai answers, his eyes never leaving mine.

“Why can’t you help it?”

“Because I’ve missed you so much and I can’t believe you’re finally here in front of me.”

I quickly clear my throat and look away again. Focus, Iseul, focus. Tonight, you are not going to let him in again before you are sure he deserves it. Just focus on this medical tape like it’s the most interesting object in the world.

“Thank you,” he says softly, and I lift my eyes briefly.

“How did you get this?” I ask instead, averting my gaze again to apply pressure on the fix. “How did you know some guy was coming onto me at the club last night?”

He doesn’t immediately answer, so I pause.

“Kai, if we’re going to do this, you need to start telling me the truth about things. Everything.”

He sighs. “They’re only going to make you hate me.”

“The only thing I hate,” I retort, “is when you treat me like a fool and lie to me.”

Tears are springing back into my eyes but I rapidly lower my head and blink them away, pretending to inspect his wound. The air stands so still for the next few seconds that you could hear a feather land on the ground.

“You know I can’t take it when anyone does anything to you,” Kai begins, his voice delicate. “Last night, after I saw you with your… your friends at the VIP table, I had some men keep an eye over you just to make sure you’re safe. Especially with you being in that kind of place.”

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, thinking back to the shadow I saw that nearly drove me into a mental breakdown. “So that was you? The person in the dark I stared at from my table—was that you?”

“Yes,” Kai answers, looking me in the eye. “I saw you too.”

“I knew it,” I whisper. It’s insane how I just… knew yesterday. “What were you doing at the club? Was any of this… intentional?”

“No, I swear it isn’t,” Kai quickly shakes his head. “Yesterday was supposed to be an event for Suzy. The HOC often throws parties for our allies, and the one yesterday was for her to experience the underground community more and familiarize herself with it. It was managed by her staff, not me or the Aces. Your group got in without a booking, right? We had no idea about it.”

“So yesterday…” I trail off, unsure of what to unpack first, “Suzy was there too? And so were other…”

“Other mobsters, yes,” Kai nods solemnly. I try not to flinch at the word.

“And so about Suzy…” I inhale slowly, trying not to get too emotional, “what’s the deal with her? What does she have to do with all this—why does she have that recording? God, I—I really can’t understand anything… Why did you do any of this?”

Kai quickly senses that I’m about to cry and I notice his hand twitch. It’s like he was about to reach out to me but quickly decided against it.

“Do you want me to just start from the beginning?” He asks.

I nod but I can’t help but look at my wall clock in concern too. “I do, but… Jongguk…”

“Don’t worry babe—shoot, I’m sorry. I—I didn’t mean to—I meant Seul,” Kai quickly retracts the word, but the damage is done. A tear rolls out. My heart is broken already.

How long has it been since I heard that word? How many nights have I spent imagining it? Now we’re just two people who are unsure of what to call each other and I have to act like it isn’t killing me.  

“Iseul, please don’t cry…” He whispers, gently wiping away a tear with his thumb. “I’m sorry. I’ll be careful. I know you haven’t said what you feel or what you want, but when I see you it just… it just slipped out naturally.”

“It’s okay,” I sniffle. “So what happened? I want to hear the full, unabridged version of the sto