KAI’S POV

“Go and tell Seo Iseul to leave.”

Her words are a rock dropped to the bottom of my stomach, landing with a dull, ominous thud, and slowly I’m retracting the challenging step I took towards her.  Hell, her words can drive me all the way to the back of the room and through the wall for all I know. 

No.  No. 

“You—“

“You told him to ing kneel?!  Are you ing kidding me?”  Baekhyun yells from behind me.  Before I know it he’s standing beside me already.  His sudden outburst desaturates the tension a little and Suzy’s attention is diverted.  “Suzy, what the hell was that for?!  That was abuse of power, in case you don’t know that much.  What the hell are you trying to do to him?!”

“I just wanted to see how far his order of submission would go!”  Suzy snaps, and I can’t believe her.  I can’t ing believe her.  “They said he’d have to listen to whatever I told him to do— I was just wanted to see how that goes, okay?!”

“By telling him to ing kneel?!”

“I had to test him with something extreme, Baekhyun, I told you I wanted to see how far it went—“

Blood rushes to my brain. 

“Well it ing goes a long way!”  I yell.  “Suzy, I know I’m your Guardian and I have to listen to you and protect you and all that , but this is not how it works, goddammit!  Yeah, you’re the ing boss of us all, but we were also friends!  What the hell is wrong with you?!” 

“I just wanted to see how far this thing goes!”  Suzy insistently shouts, and it takes everything in me not to launch my fist at her face.  “For ’s sake, I’m not even going to do that kind of again!”

“You’re crazy.”  Baekhyun spits, but Jun glares at him to shut up.  He ignores it.  “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, Suzy, but acting all high-up and -boss isn’t going to make us fear or respect you or whatever it is that you want.  So you can drop the act and just admit that you hate having this positioned shoved down your throat because you’re still ing angry about your father’s death, and because you don’t have a single goddamn clue on what to do right now.”

Baekhyun’s words hit the ceiling and stay there, hanging upon the room like thick fog.  The defiance in Suzy’s eyes ebb away just the slightest and for a moment her eyes flicker down to the floor.  Then she clears . 

“I’m serious about Iseul leaving, Kai.”  She finally says, her voice a lot quieter, calmer, but still firm.  “I want you to tell her to leave.”

.  Something spears into my heart, making breathing a laborious task again. 

“No.”  I whisper, trying hard not to quiver.  “Suzy, no, you don’t—“

“I do, Kai.”  Suzy cuts in.  Her voice is hard and resolute.  “I don’t want Seo Iseul affiliated with us anymore.”

She’s looking at me with the same arctic glare, but this time, if I didn’t know better I’d say it’s faltering just the slightest.  But not enough for me to get my hopes up. 

“Suzy,” I repeat, at loss for words to say, “don’t.  Please.”

I can just make out the slight movement of her jaw as she chews on her inner check, but in the end, she shakes her head, saying nothing.  .  Oh no… .  .  What do I do?  What should I do???

“Suzy.”  I manage through gritted teeth.  “Do you…”

The effort to get the following words out of my mouth is incomparable.  “Do you… want me to kneel again?  Huh?  Do you want to see me beg?”

“No.”  She finally answers, her tone sharp.  “Don’t kneel again.  Just tell her to leave.”

My mouth tastes bitter all over.  “Why?”

“I told you already, Kai.”  Suzy replies without missing a beat.  “She doesn’t belong here in all this .  She’s better off in the real world, where she can live a normal life with a normal job that doesn’t waste her potential.  That doesn’t risk her safety.  And I’m not just doing this for her either, Kai.  I want her to leave because right now, you don’t need any more distraction.  We don’t need any more signs, anymore leads pointing to us.  Someone is waging a war against us and the fact that they’ve managed to kill the Joker, the person who’s supposed to be the head of this organization, shows that that someone is highly capable and right now, they’re winning.  They’ve used inside people to get to Sooman, and knowing them, they can damn well use Iseul to get to you, then to me, eventually.  I’ve said this so many times.  Iseul is a liability, a sitting duck, and she can be used as a loophole to anything.  Don’t you see?  This is to protect both her and the HOC, Kai, because Iseul does not belong here.  That’s why I want her out of your life.”

“Out of my life.”  I laugh sarcastically, even though each laugh reverberates with pain in my chest.  “Out of my life?  Not possible.  Suzy, I don’t think you know how much she means to me—“

“Who is this Seo Iseul?” 

I stop short at the booming voice of one of the Royals who, up until this moment, I have completely forgotten about.  Tearing my eyes away from Suzy’s, I look at the said Royal—who’s apparently from Shanghai. 

Clearing my throat, I try to stay as calm and perfectly composed as possible.  “Seo Iseul is my son’s babysitter.”

“Really?”  The Royal frowns, and some other mutter along their own skepticism.  “If she is just your son’s babysitter, then why is firing her such a difficult matter here?”

“Crap.”  Baekhyun mutters from behind me, reminding me that he is still there.  “Crap.”

Crap is just about right.  And , and , and goddammit too.  My mind is working in a million different directions at once, blindly searching for the right words to say.  “She— she— she means a lot more to me than that now.”  I confess.  “It’s difficult to explain, I—I can’t just—“

“You can’t put her under your obligations to protect the HOC?”  The Royal asks again, his tone rising.  “Are you putting your personal relationship with her over your duty to the HOC?  Is she now more important than your life as a member of the House, in which you are forever bound to?” 

“No!”  I deny instantaneously.  “I’m not, I’m just saying that she doesn’t have to leave, maybe there’s a way to balance both or… or…”

Crap.  Crap.  I’m stuttering.  I’m losing.

“If she is what Suzy says she is, then she is a danger to the House.”  The Royal continues, and I have to close my eyes from a second.  ——it’s not supposed to end like this, everything is not supposed to go down like this.  “She is innocent, yes, but still a danger to the House.  If she’s a danger to the House, Kai, we need her gone.”

“Just tell her to leave, Kai.”  Suzy adds, her voice surprisingly quiet.  “You don’t want to defy the Royals.”

“She’s not a danger!”  I argue, blatantly ignoring Suzy.  “She’d never do any harm, and what Suzy said about leads pointing to us—she didn’t mean it.  Suzy was her best friend and she suddenly went missing, so Iseul called her telephone company and asked for Suzy’s last records.  It was unintentional; she didn’t mean to give anyone leads to us or anything.  Jun, Eric—“

I look at them hopelessly, and suddenly the feeling of longing for someone to call ‘uncle’ hits me hard.  , Sooman.  I need Sooman.  He’s hard too, but he’d listen to me, and he’d understand.  He’s not keen on Iseul, but he knows how Iseul has never done anything wrong until now, but I—I can’t speak to him anymore.  I feel nausea, like I might throw up if I open my mouth to say another word, but I do so anyway. 

“Jun, Eric, all the other Royals… she doesn’t need to leave.”

“Intentional or not, she’s still a danger.”  One of them slams their hands on the desk and immediately shoots to their feet.  “You’re saying she doesn’t need to leave, but your words that beg like this show just exactly why she needs to leave.”

My jaw drops.  .  I’m sinking.  Everything I say is ing wrong and a counterargument against me.  I have to say something else, quick you just say something else, just whatever—

“This shows how much she has gotten into your head already, Kai.  This shows how much she affects you!  You’re saying that you, Kai, you know how to track people down and wipe out our enemies without blinking, but when it suddenly comes to this girl you can’t get her out of your life?  We’re not asking you to kill her—“

“I KNOW!”  I yell, unable to take it anymore.  I can’t bear to hear any more of that.  , killing Iseul, .  .  My head is pounding now.  you, whoever you are.  I don’t even know all the ing Royals but all of you.

“If you’re unable to do such a simple task, this shows that she is your weakness, Kai.  You already have a weakness.  Jongguk.  Your son.  A mobster like you cannot have too much.”  He continues.  “If you do, apart from making you vulnerable—they also take over the best part of you.  They make you forget where your actual life is, Kai.  It’s here.  And if you forget about that, then you’re no longer fit for this life.”

No longer fit for this life?  What the actual ? 

“You know the worst part about all this, Kai?”  The same headass continues.  “It’s the fact that you can ignore every single thing I just said, because technically, right now, our voices don’t matter.  But the Joker’s order is still an order.  If you aren’t able to do this, then it’s an opposition to your superior.  You disobey your superior.  And you know what happens to people in this House when they disobey their boss, right?”

, , he’s right.  I can’t stop saying because , there’s no escape from this.  He’s right, I could simply not give a ’s damn to all he said but at the end of it all, Suzy’s orders are still my boss’s orders.  I’d have to follow through.  If I don’t, I’ll—

“You will face consequences, Kai.”  The same menacing voice continues.  “Severe consequences.”

“Just make her leave, Kai.”  Suzy cuts in, keeping it cold and short.  “Make her leave and not try to go back.”

Oh no.  Oh hell no.

I look helplessly at her, unable to say anything more in front of these s.  Please, I try to say.  Please don’t make me do this. 

“Let’s be clear with this; is that an order, Suzy?”  A voice that I just badly need to shut up asks. 

I grit my teeth.  No, please say no, please, please—

But Suzy’s gaze is unmoving and I know this is the end for me.  “Yes.”

.  .  I want to die. 

My head hangs low after that.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t face them—I have no energy.  I’m so ed, I’m doomed, I don’t know what to do because there is nothing I can do!  I hate this, I hate this, I hate being this powerless so ing much I want to die.  Iseul… oh God, I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I should just—I should just die.  Should I?  Should I just die?  What would it matter without Iseul anyway?

“You heard your orders, Kai.”  Jun speaks up this time.  “Remember, failure to obey will result in severe consequences.  You know what happened to people who couldn’t get their job done.”

I do.  I’ve been on the opposite end of this situation way too often.  I know how this goes.

In this world, you defy your boss, you die.

“You should just kill me.”  I snarl at Suzy once we’re outside, ready to go back to the HOC.  “Seriously, Suzy.  You should just kill me.  It’d be easier for me to die.”

Suzy shoots me a contemptuous look.  “Honestly, Kai, you just have to tell her to leave—“

“I’m going to hurt her!”  I yell, furious.  “I’m going to have to hurt her so damn much and this is what’s killing me the most!  You know, we’ve brought up light mentions of her leaving me several times already, and you know how it always ends?  She wants to stay.  She always insists on staying.  Always, Suzy.  Every single time.”

She opens to retort but I beat her to it. 

“You don’t understand how it is between us.  You think making her leave is easy, don’t you?  You think all I have to say is ‘Iseul, you’re fired.  I want you to leave because you’re a problem to the HOC, except you don’t know why and I can’t tell you because nearly everything that goes around here is confidential.’  You think she’s going to leave me just like that, Suzy?”  I laugh sarcastically.  “Well, later, when I’m finally doing what you want me to do, boss, I want you to watch.  You better ing watch what you’re doing to me and your best friend—if you can even still call each other that.”

Suzy’s face hardens.  “I just want to protect all of us—“

“Bull.  You’re going to ing kill her.  But the worst part is, I’m the one who’s going to do the killing!  You’re also going to be killing my son, but again, I’m going to be the one killing him too!  So you know what?  I should just die.  Maybe I should just go and get myself killed.”

With that I stalk off, storming out the doors of the hotel’s main lobby.  I don’t even give a damn about being with her right now.  Guardian?  Guardian my .  Right now, if anything happens to her and gets her killed, I couldn’t care less about me dying as well.  Whatever.  To hell with life if this is what’s going to be like—stuck with a ty boss and away from Seo Iseul.

“Kai!”  Suzy yells after me, catching up.  I can hear the footsteps of her pathetic bodyguards following in the distance.  “For God’s sake, just ing think about it from my side for a second!  I need to do this for the HOC, goddammit!   You think I’m not—you—this whole thing about being the Joker, it’s heavy on me, okay?  Everything is heavy, everything right now is so ing heavy!  I didn’t even get to learn from my father!”

I glare at her.  “Well I’ll teach you one thing about him.  He would still listen.”

“Yeah but look where that got him!”  Suzy screams.  “I don’t want—I don’t want the same thing happening again!  I want to eliminate all the possible dangers, Kai, do you even know how serious the House’s condition is right now?!”

“Are you ing insinuating that Iseul is one of the reasons Sooman got killed now?!”  I thunder.  “Are you out of your mind?”

“NO!”  Suzy shrieks, spreading her hands.  “Goddammit— just listen to me for a second!  She’s a distraction to you, Kai, and right now we can’t afford any more of that—how many ing times do I have to say this?!  You know how Changmin is already dead—“

Suddenly, her phone begins ringing.  She picks up and I use the opportunity to get the hell away from her.

Perspective.  What I need is some ing perspective.  There’s got to be a way out of this.  A way that doesn’t involve listening to Suzy, or hurting Iseul, or killing myself in the process, or maybe all three.  Let’s reflect on what we have right now.

Suzy wants Iseul gone.  No, not just gone.  Out of my life.  Oh no.  I can’t do that.  How am I supposed to get her out of my life when she is what gives me life and—

“KAI!”  Suzy screeches, and I utter a silent ‘’ before turning around. 

“What the hell is your problem?” I yell back.  “Can you stop shouting at me?!”

Suzy runs right up to me and tugs on my arm, making me look at her.  I scowl and yank it back away.  “Don’t touch me.”

If she flinched, she recovers quickly— never not glaring at me with that hostile look in her eyes.  “They found who killed Changmin.”  She hisses.  For a moment, I’m listening.  “It was one of those idiots—it was someone from the Joker’s unit and his name is Minhyuk.” 

“Minhyuk?”  I repeat, racking my brain for the name.  “I don’t think I’ve ever…”

“Yeah, well, apparently not many people have heard of him either.  He’s just another one of those men.  But he’s gone now, and Changmin’s dead, so guess where the connection is?” 

“Allies.”  I narrow my eyes.  “They were… they were allies.  But they only used Changmin.  Minhyuk’s boss is… someone else.”

Suzy gazes at me, hard and unwavering, but the look says it all.  This… all this is why Iseul has to go.  I sigh, raking a hand through my hair, before bending down to my knees to scream and curse at everything I can.

“God—ing—dammit!”  I yell, not knowing how else to release the pain.  There’s no way out of here and arrrghhh I can’t even—I can’t even—

“Kai.  Come on.  Let’s go.”

“Suzy, please.”  I try desperately, begging one last time.  Her unforgiving expression is really trampling my dignity to pieces now but if this can make her change her mind even the slightest, I’m willing.  I’ll beg.  “Please don’t make me do this.  Please.” 

She’s silent for a moment, but her glare only gets sharper.  “Do you want to defy my orders, Kai?”  Suzy asks, her voice thin as ice.

We both know the answer to that.

“Then let’s go.” 

Without waiting for me, she walks ahead to the car. 

And without a choice, I follow her into it.

I feel like absolute, complete right now.  Goddammit, I should never have let myself become the Guardian.  I should’ve resisted more.  I should’ve refused and refused to back down no matter what the Royals say, I should’ve maybe used Jongguk more as a reason or something, I don’t even know, because what kind of idiot only says ‘I don’t want to’ to that?!  Not like the Royals would listen, in the end, but at least— oh God, I don’t know.  I hate myself.  I absolutely despise myself. 

It already took everything to pull myself out of bed this morning, away from Iseul, her warmth, her soft breath on my neck, and her curled-up figure in bed.  The sun knows how much I wanted to stay.  And it already took everything more tell her ‘bye’ just because I had to hurry up and go clear up the unexpected mess she made yesterday before rushing to the meeting. 

So I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this.

I think about it the whole ride back to the HOC.  I run through all the possible scenarios, all the possible ways that I could do it to hurt her the least… but that’s all bull and we all know.  It’s going to hurt her a lot, no matter how much I try to safety-pad this.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  For once in my life, I’m faced with a task that I can’t do.  This.

“After Jongguk comes back, at least.”  I mumble reluctantly, pressing my forehead to the window.  I close my eyes and repeat it once more, not sure if Suzy heard me the first time.  “Let him meet her once again.”

“What, and make the whole thing more complicated?”  Suzy scoffs.  “No.  We have to do this now.”

“We?  What part do you play in this other than being the person who initiated it?”

“I’m going to watch, aren’t I?”  Suzy retorts, folding her arms.  I let out another obscenity and bang my head on the tinted window.  How the is she so heartless?  Is this what I’m like to all the bad guys?

But I’m not a bad guy!  So she shouldn’t be doing this to me!

“You’re ing heartless.”  I spit venomously.  “Just so you know.”

“That’s what you need to survive in this world.”  She replies.  “Though I thought you knew that already.”

If I wasn’t so busy being depressed right now, I would’ve thrown her out of the car already.  If my life wasn’t bound to hers, I would’ve at least attempted to open the car door on her side.

“Are you and Iseul really that… that… close already?”  I hear Suzy mumble, and I can’t help but laugh sardonically in disbelief.

 “What, are you trying to be polite and try to dig into my personal life before destroying it now?”

“Shut up.”  Suzy hisses, her temper flaring back immediately.  “You know what?  No.  I don’t give a .  I just want to see you break her off once and for all after this.” 

“ you.”  I spit before thinking better of it.

This time, Suzy visibly flinches and actually looks momentarily stung.  The realization of what I just said to her comes boomeranging back, but before I can feel a tinge of guilt or anything, she scoffs extra scornfully this time and turns away to look out the window with folded arms and nails digging into her elbows. 

“Whatever.”  She returns.

I wait at the lobby of the headquarters building, phone in my hand, heart in my throat, nerves everywhere.  She’s probably upstairs right now, in my penthouse, obliviously doing whatever she usually does at this time of the day before she goes to pick up Jongguk from school soon.  Biting my lip until I can almost taste copper blood, I scroll to find her contact.

Please don’t pick up, Iseul, please don’t pick up. 

My thumb hovers above the green call button, and… I can’t do this.  I can’t call her down.  I can’t hear her voice.  She—I can already hear her, she’ll answer in that bright voice and I’ll only call her down to tear her apart.  

.

You know what?  I’m not doing this.

Instead, I call Suzy.  Now this woman, this woman picks up without wasting a second and answers with a snap.  “What?”

“Suzy, I can’t!”  I yell into the receiver, even though she’s probably lurking a few meters away, just out of sight.  “If you want her to leave so much, go and tell her yourself!”

“What the—YAH!  You’re her boss, dammit!  She doesn’t even know I’m in this whole thing!  Would it make sense if I were the one to suddenly chase her out?  Do you seriously want to fire her without even giving the effort to do it yourself?  Haven’t you considered how much more that would hurt her—“  she breaks off abruptly.  “—Haven’t you considered how much worse she would feel if you just told her to leave all of a sudden without even showing your face?  What the hell Kai— you know what?  Fine.  Fine.  If you want me to do this, then I can do this for you.  It’ll be easier for us but though harder for Iseul to accept, but why not, right?”

“NO!”  I yell, tugging at the roots of my hair.  Oh God, she has a point.  If I told Iseul to leave without even saying it myself, without even showing up, and worse yet, using someone as shocking as Suzy to tell her that… it’ll only make her feel worse. 

So I have to do this.  If there’s a least painful way to do this, it’s something only I can do.   

“I—“ 

“Just do it already, Kai.”  Suzy clips in.  “Or I swear to God I’m doing it for you.  Remember, this is an order.”

I start protesting into the receiver but stop when I realize how there’s no sound, no nothing anymore.  Looking at my phone, I sigh in frustration.  Unbelievable.  She ing hung up already.

I sense something moving behind me.  Glancing over my shoulder, I see more men from the Joker’s unit—Suzy’s unit—standing inconspicuously in what appears to be random spots all around me, but experience has taught me better already.  No, they’re not just standing there.  They’re watching me. 

My thumb hovers back over Iseul’s number.  Okay, Kai.  Just get this over with.  Just ing—oh , I pressed her number.  , no, please don’t pick up Iseul please don’t pick up—I press end call.  Sweating, I jab my thumb repeatedly on end call.  In the end I resort to texting her.

I can’t do this. 

Where are you?

Sent.

I really can’t do this.

Especially not after she replies.

At home, just about to pick Guk up.  Why?

Oh God.  Oh God, no, I can hear her saying that.  I don’t even need to call her, I can hear her voice in my head.

Come down.  I want to meet you.

I really do.  I really do want to meet you, but not like this.

For what seems like a whole minute, she doesn’t reply.  My panic and anxiety only heightens, because there are so many possibilities right now, some too good for me to even afford to hope—what if the text didn’t go through?  What if her phone suddenly died?  What if she’s never coming down?

Oh God, I’m going crazy.  Please don’t come to me, Iseul, please don’t, please don’t.  Just get out of here or something I don’t know, I’ll come back to get you later when all of this is over.  When I no longer have to tell you to leave and when I no longer feel sick.  I’m going to vomit.  Every second that ticks by is like an exploding time bomb and at this rate, I’m even hoping she’s in trouble or something, so I can go