When I wake up the next morning, Kai isn't beside me anymore.  In the space next to me where he lied last night is nothing but wrinkled bedsheet and a blanket pushed away to the side—the only valid proof that he was ever there.  My heart drops.  I close my eyes again and I suddenly wish I've never woken up. 

One of the reasons us humans still dare to wish for something greater, something better, even if it fails us over and over again is because we still have this tiny, persistent thing called hope.  Hope pushes me to the edge of insanity, to the edge of the bed where I lay, until my phone lying on the bedside table is just close enough for me to reach.

With my eyes closed and the veins of my heart crossed, I take it and turn it on, hoping to find something from him. 

But I get nothing.  No texts, no note, nothing.  I feel sick as I finally get to my feet and walk to my door, tentatively pushing it open. 

The whole penthouse is quiet.  Kai isn’t in the bathroom, the living room, the pantry, the kitchen… he’s gone.  He’s gone early today… unless…

He’s still in his room.  I head over to his room softly, crossing the fur rug in the middle of the living room, and press my ear on the door.  And I listen. 

Everything is quiet.  Plucking up the courage from God-knows-where, I knock twice and slowly push the door open. 

It swings easily on its hinges and opens without a creak, so I pop my head in a little and look around.  Nothing.  The room is just as empty as it sounds like.  His bed is untouched, not a wrinkle in sight, and neither is he.  He’s not on the couch or on the desk by the large glass wall that captures a section of Seoul’s panoramic skyline.  I sigh and close the door again.  He’s really not there. 

7 a.m.

Why is he not the— okay Iseul, stop.  Stop.  He’s not there because he probably has work to do.  And if you can’t help him, then you can’t at least stop disturbing him while he’s at it, right?  We’ve talked about this yesterday already!  Just go and do your job!  Wake Jongguk up; the boy has school in an hour!! 

I’m so tempted to text Kai and ask him where he is that I have to leave my phone on the pantry to resist.  Nu-uh.  I’m independent.  I am not going to be one of those clingy girlfriends.  Yup.  I can do this!

After chugging down a glass of water I march right up to Jongguk’s room, when suddenly—

“.”  A low, deep voice that I’d recognize from anywhere mutters.  “I got it.  I’m leaving.  This is so stupid, I can’t believe they’re— yeah, I know.  But you can’t blame— I’m not!”

I feel myself whirling around so fast I nearly knock myself down.  What the actual ?  Kai?   Coming out of his room?  How the ?

“You’re still here?”  I hear myself ask even though he’s clearly preoccupied with whoever he’s talking to on the phone.  “But…”

But how?  I could’ve sworn that room was empty!  It was, I swear it was!  It was so quiet and the bed was empty and untouched, so were the couches and the desk and everything else!  Where the hell did he come from?! 

This doesn’t make any sense.  Nothing in my life ever makes sense anymore. 

“I’ll be there!”  Kai barks into his phone, making me jump.  With a string of unintelligible curse words he shoves his phone into his pocket and immediately makes his towards door.  I feel myself springing into action. 

“Wait, Kai, where were you—“

“Iseul, sorry, I have to go,” is all he replies, barely even looking at me as he throws on his coat and slips into his shoes.  “I’ll talk to you later.”

“I just—“  I stop when I watch his hasty actions, all his movements surprisingly messy and unprecise.  Something’s wrong.  Something’s up with him, and I’m sure it has to do with why he has to leave.   But leaning from experience, this might not be the best time to ask.  So, swallowing all my questions, I sigh softly and nod.  “Be careful.”

“Yeah.”

I bite my lip and take a step forwards, but he has his hand on the door already.  “Please.”

“Bye.”

Ouch.

His words feel like a brick rammed right into my gut and for a second I’m just standing there, blinking, too stunned to say anything.  Too… too hurt to say anything in return.  Bye.  He said bye, and it was only yesterday when I told him to never say ‘bye’ because ‘bye’ makes it sound like he’s never coming back.  And I don’t want that, oh God, I don’t want that.  And it’s not like— the last thing I said was please.  You’re not supposed to say bye to please then leave, yet here he is, already gone not even a second after the word leaves his lips.  I didn’t even get to say anything back and now all I’m looking at is the massive door he shut behind him.

Bye.

I sigh.

Yeah.

Please.

Bye.

“,” I whisper to myself, running both my hands through my messy morning hair.  Pain sears into my chest mercilessly. “, —“

Okay, calm down Iseul.  Calm down.  Just calm down first.  First of all, stop jumping into conclusions.  Bye does not mean Kai is going to leave you and never come back.  No, bye just means he’s going somewhere, probably work—whatever that might be today—and he’s also running late so he doesn’t have the time to dilly-dally and say ‘I’ll come back later’.  He might not even remember about saying that because he’s too panicked about work and he just needs to get there ASAP and that might be the only reason he said bye so for everyone’s sake, just stop overthinking things, okay?!

At a moment of impulse I hurl my phone across the room and send it flying to couch.  Huh.  Thank God.  Well, it’s gone now, and damn do I feel better, as much as better can get.  I feel like I can actually do this.  I feel like I can survive today even if Kai says bye ten more times and doesn’t update me about his whereabouts at all.  And that was probably bull but yes!  I can do this. 

Okay.  I’ve got this.  With a renewed spirit, I march into Jongguk’s room with a tiny Hello Kitty recorder he got from a snack box and immediately turn on his lights. 

“Jongguk, wake up!!”  I yell, tooting a few random shrilly keys from the Hello Kitty recorder which turns out to so bad.  , this thing could start wars.  I grimace but do it again, keeping my thumb on the small lower hole.  “Yah!  You’re gonna be late for school!

“Appa left already noona?”  Jongguk asks once we’re inside Kai’s car, his driver Dae taking us as usual.  The sad and concern-filled look in his eyes appears again for the first time in a while—the same look I used to see so often when I first started working but has been significantly reduced lately.

I nod with a heavy heart.  “Yeah.  I think he has something to take care of.  He was in a hurry.”

“Oh.”  Jongguk leans backward on the seat and looks out at the window.  “Will he be back when I come home today?”

I try to only let my optimism show.  “Hopefully.  But, you know Guk, even if he isn’t, he’ll be back eventually.  Hopefully not too late tonight, so that you can still meet him.”

“I’m going to wait up for him!”

“But—“  The determined look on Jongguk’s face makes me unable to protest.  With a reassuring smile and a pat on his shoulder, I smile.  “I’ll let you stay up a little later to wait for him, but remember that you still have school tomorrow.”

And I’ll even call Kai to ask if he can come back a little earlier today, I think.  Jongguk hasn’t seen his father, since, what?  Yesterday?  When we landed back in Seoul?  Because Kai disappeared right after that, came back when his son was asleep already, and then left again without bothering to wait for Jongguk to wake up.  Maybe I can do that much for Jongguk, although I hope I don’t have to. 

I don’t want to disturb Kai, and… with the way he was acting this morning, I’m pretty sure disturbance is the last thing he needs.

It isn’t long until the car pulls up in front of Jongguk’s school gates.  I get down, so does Jongguk, and I walk with him until we’re right in front of the building. 

“Noona, can we eat somewhere today after I go home from school?”  Jongguk asks, swinging my hand.  “It’s been a while!  We used to eat after I go home from school, remember?”

At this point I’m too much of a sympathetic motherer for this child who hasn’t seen his father in a day already, so I nod.  “What do you want to have?”

“Um... can we have chicken?”

“Of course!”  I grin and ruffle his hair.  “We can go to Chicken and Beer.”

“Noona is going to let me drink beer?”  Jongguk squeaks excitedly.

“No, of course not.”  I stick out my tongue.  “We’re just there for the chicken.”

“But Jae noona let me drink wine, remember?”

I snort.  “That noona is crazy.  Jongguk, don’t ever think you can drink wine or anything alcohol before you hit the ripe age of 21.”

“What?  21?!”  Jongguk screams.  “That’s still so long!”

“Yes, it is!  That’s why while you wait, you have to go to school!”  I give him a little push towards the school building.  “Go!  Have fun!  Listen to the teacher!  I’ll pick you up later!”

Jongguk yells a bubbly “Bye!” back, and within a minute, he’s gone.  I turn around and go back to Dae, who’s waiting patiently beside the car still parked outside. 

“Dae, you can go back or go to Kai or wherever.  Um, I think I’ll take the bus or the subway from here.”

“Are you sure?”  Dae asks, narrowing his eyes.  “Kai says to take you wherever you want to go today.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.  Um, I don’t feel good using you to drive me around, even if Kai says it’s okay.  I… I like taking public transport.”  I wave a little.  “Bye!”

KAI’S POV

Goddammit.

It’s not even noon yet and I’m already feeling agitated as .  Maybe it’s the people here.  Maybe it’s this place.  Maybe it’s both. 

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s both.  

D.O.’s revelation yesterday that Changmin is already dead and was killed by Minhyuk is also giving me a headache.  And now that Minhyuk is already on the run…

Also, there's more.  It’s the conversation I had with Suzy this morning on our way here, to the HOC in Cheongdamdong, in which she yelled non-stop about how stupid Iseul is.  Yes, Iseul again.   Because apparently, Iseul had been snooping around yesterday, trying to find information about her missing best friend, and her missing best friend—who is supposed to be missing—found out.

And Suzy was ing furious about it. 

While Iseul was doing that she had also unintendingly send sort of a wake-up call to all the places and people she talked too—now Korea’s biggest network provider knows someone under the name Bae Suzy had somehow vanished from their records, they know my number exists, and Jackson knows Suzy dumped her stuff in an alley right after graduation.  The HOC already knew about Suzy, of course, so thankfully there’s no third-degree harm done in that. 

But still.

“She’s gonna gather attention if she continues doing this, Kai!”  Suzy had yelled, infuriated.  “Soon that girl is going to report me as ‘missing’ to the police and they’ll come like dogs trying to sniff us out!  We don’t ing need any of this!”

This is one of the reasons I was forced to leave in such a hurry this morning—because Suzy was erupting and I was worried if I didn’t go and try to calm her down, she’d barge right into my penthouse and drag Iseul out.  No, seriously.  Given her overall state of being in constant anger and agitation over her current situation, I think she’s perfectly capable of doing just that. 

“She doesn’t know, Suzy!”  I had yelled back.  “Look, I get why you’re mad.  I get it, I really do ing get it.  It’s attracting attention and she’s leaving a trail of breadcrumbs by searching for you.  But from her point of view, it’s nothing like that, is it?  It’s simply her best friend gone missing, so naturally, of course she would freak out and start looking for you!  You’re her best friend, you’d know how easily she panics!”

“You don’t understand the big picture!”  Suzy hisses.  “Don’t you see?  This only proves what I said yesterday!  In this world, Iseul is a liability!  She’s also constantly endangering herself without even knowing it!  She’s not—she’s not fit to be here Kai, even if it’s with you!”

I want so much to yell and retort, but our shouting match had to come to an end though, because we had to proceed to the emergency meeting held in an underground meeting room at the Cheongdamdong HOC.  With one last icy glare, Suzy stalks ahead with her two bodyguards and enters first.

I sigh, rake a hand through my hair, and enter with my fellow Aces—who, until this point, have all been trailing silently behind us.

“She’s… she’s intense.”  Chanyeol comments flatly.

“She’s a , that’s what.”  Baekhyun adds.  “Yeah, Iseul shouldn’t be sniffing around Suzy’s disappearance too much and this is making a mess for all of us, but we can’t really blame her, can we?   She’s doing it because she doesn’t know.  For her, it’s just her best friend gone missing.  She has no idea what’s really happening.”

“You heard me tell her that already.”  I mutter.  “She’s just being difficult.”

I swear to God if I didn’t continuously chant ‘your childhood best friend… just lost her father… relax….’ in my head, she’d be six feet deep in the nearest dumpster already.

Anyway, we enter the meeting room. 

The underground meeting room neatly tucked under the HOC hotel at Cheongdamdong is an important place to be today.   It has always been strictly reserved for official members, but never before has it been as packed with the most important members of the entire House of Cards network as it is right now.   There are more seats arranged inside than I have ever seen, more lower-rank members guarding the door to block out any form of interruption during the meeting, and more tension than ever.  More restlessness and unspoken worry over the wellbeing of our current state thickening the air than ever. 

All the other Royals have been flown in.   They are all seated in the large U-shaped conference table, China’s Shanghai Chapter on the left leg, Korea’s Seoul Chapter on the middle, at the bottom of the U, and Japan’s Tokyo Chapter on the right leg.  All the Royals’ seats are equipped with an adjustable microphone standing on the desk in front of them, but they all simply sit there with the same grim expression on all their faces and the same questioning boggling their minds. 

The Joker, Lee Sooman, is dead.  The matter of who did it is undeniably important, but of equal importance is another question—who will continue?

Apparently, that’s what we’re discussing today.

Across the U-shaped table is a rectangular table precisely fit for 6— the six of us Aces, no more, no less.  I’m seated facing the rest of the room along with my ride or dies— Sehun, D.O., me, Suho, Baekhyun, and Chanyeol, exactly in that order.   Beside us, Suzy and her mentor, Lee Dongwook, sit behind another table.

The Royal seated in the middle seat of the long table forming the bottom of the U straightens in his seat and taps his mic twice—which makes me blink and wake up from my daze.  .  This is starting.  I feel bad already.

“Brothers, I will get straight to the point.”  Jun announces, eyeing everyone carefully.  “You know that the Joker, Lee Sooman, is dead.  He was murdered by the means of cyanide, which has been wrongfully diluted into the solution of his inhaler.  The inhaler has been tampered with, causing The Joker to inevitably inhale the toxic material when he took his last puff from it two nights ago.  Now that the Joker is dead, we need a replacement.  This emergency meeting is held because we need to decide who will be the next Joker now.”

“Where’s Kris and his team?”  Sehun whispers.  “I thought they were coming as well.”

“They have decided to stay in China to ensure protection for the rest of the chapter.”  D.O. replies.  “Only the Royals are here.”

Hearing it, I sigh.  Suho looks at me unsurely.  “Kai, you do know that you might be up for this spot right?” 

My jaw tightens.  “I do.”

“What if… what if it really turns out to be you?”

I try to answer, but in the end I can’t do anything except defeatedly shake my head and sigh through gritted teeth.  “I don’t know.”

It’s true.  I really don’t.  Being the Joker means residing in the Joker’s secluded unit and being in his office the whole time, overseeing all the matters in the HOC.  That will mean no more of my 5 stupid blood brothers, no more of their antics, and no more blowing up people together because they will still be Aces no matter what I am.  That’s not even all. 

If I become the Joker, there’ll be no more coming back home to Jongguk and Iseul whenever I can.  No more.  The prospect of that feels like , to be honest, and I don’t want that absolute, undeniable . 

I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t go home to those two anymore.  The thought of it… it rattles me.

“According to the rules of our society, the Joker may only be replaced by his or her descendant—a direct child, or their next of kin.  In this case, Lee Sooji shall be the one to replace Lee Sooman as the Joker.”  Jun continues, his voice ringing loud and clear for everyone to hear. 

It’s like I’m listening to a conversation underwater.  The room gradually grows in murmurs, everyone trying to politely voice out their worries in hushed volumes.  They fail.  Eventually Jun taps on his mic again, more forcefully this time, before continuing. 

“But yes, we do know we have a problem here.”  Jun agrees, and the murmurs settle down a little bit.  “Lee Sooji, who now wishes to be called by her alias Suzy, has not fully completed her training.  She is still in the early stages of her initiation training.  Now I shall let her mentor Lee Dongwook attest to that.”

The uneasy feeling in my gut twists harder as Jun seems to push down the notion of Suzy being the next Joker even more.  Dammit!  At this rate, it’s clear as day already.  Why waste any more time?  If Suzy is deemed unable to hold the position, it will undoubtedly be handed over to… me.

“Yes, that is true.”  Dongwook agrees, speaking into his mic.  Dongwook’s deep voice echoes gravely through the room, the melodic timbre making it sound melancholic.  “Suzy has not completed the training required to be the next Joker, therefore, she has not been fully prepared with the knowledge and skills she needs to survive in that position.”

Suzy, quite predictably, leaps at her chance to protest.  “But I can—“

“Suzy, it is also according to the rules of our society that the next Joker must fulfill his or her training first, before they are able to step up to that position.”  Jun quickly interjects, making Suzy fall back on her seat silently.  Looking around at everyone present in the room, Jun announces the next few words with an air of great importance. 

“Everyone, we now have several options.”

“What are they?”  A Royal from the Shanghai chapter asks.  I scoff softly.  Idiot.  Of course it’s going to be either Suzy… or me!

“Kai.”  Suho quietly reprimands.  I merely grunt back.

It’s true, though.

Jun looks at Eric, who nods.  “For now, we have two options.  The first one is simple, we proceed to make Suzy the Joker while she continues to receive her training.  The second one is even simpler—for the time being before Suzy completes it, Kai, leader of the Aces, will be the Joker.  He fits in the criteria as well, as he is partially Lee Sooman’s blood relative.  His next of kin.”

“Kai seems like a capable candidate.”

“.”  I whisper, balling my fists to hold back.  D.O. looks at me worriedly.

“Which do we prefer?”

Nah, I’m not waiting for any one of these old guys anymore.  I immediately stand up and tap on my mic, signaling for attention.  It screeches a little, then I speak into it.  “With all due respect, Jun, I don’t think I am fit for the position of the Joker either.”

Everyone looks at me in surprise, even Suzy.  But I’m not surprised, because no one would ever dream of turning down this powerful position, especially if it is being offered to them on a silver platter.  But here I am, doing exactly just that.

“Kai—“

“I have a son.”  I declare, with probably much more authority than I have in the face of all these people.  “I have a 6-year-old son who requires constant attention and I think everyone here knows that.  I’ll put him in terms that everyone here can understand—I don’t think I am fit to be the Joker while carrying such a huge responsibility myself.  I can’t be the Joker now.  Jongguk will—“

My voice is rapidly getting less and less steady and more and more becoming like a plea.  .  .  Jongguk.  Forever my soft spot.  This always happens when anything related to my soft spots is brought up— I lose my mobster and turn to Jongin.  This is gradually becoming quite pathetic, I’m aware, but all eyes are trained on me and that is what matters. 

“—Jongguk will ask about me.  All the time.  Because being the Joker means I have to stay in the Joker’s place, and I won’t be able to go home to him, and he’ll—he’ll ask, and I’ll have to lie to him, and things will only get more complicated…”  I trail off, searching desperately for a solid argument to grasp.  But this simply isn’t a thing one can put into words, and it isn’t something mobsters can easily understand either.  They’re not me— they’re not fathers.  “It will only hinder me from acting to a Joker’s full potential, which will affect the whole House of Cards underground society too.  Jun, Eric, all the Royals here, I… I ask you to please reconsider.”

I immediately drop back to my seat, heat burning in my cheeks.  .  What have I just done?  I have never brought up the matter regarding my family so openly before, in front of so many HOC officials, and doing it for the first time is unforeseeably nerve wrecking.  Just…. Aish.

But I’ve done the best I can, and I can only hope for the best now. 

For a long moment, no one speaks. 

But when someone finally does, it’s a Royal from the Tokyo chapter.  “Did you take into consideration the fact that Kai has just mentioned, Jun?”

Jun looks down for a split second.  “Yes, but I couldn’t think of any other way.  Suzy is… Suzy is not ready.  The only other alternative I saw was Kai.  Anyway, I believe your son has a babysitter, right Kai?”

What the actual—

D.O. has to literally hold me back from exploding.  But I shrug his hand off me and lean forward, nearly bumping my lips to the microphone in aggression.  “That’s his babysitter, not his mother.  I cannot just hand Jongguk and all other matters involving him to her!”

 “A babysitter.”  Another Tokyo Royal muses.  “I see.”

I swallow.  .  I’ve brought Iseul into this.  Now, the second most important thing—the first being making sure I don’t become the Joker—is to make sure nobody finds out the whole truth about the depth of my relationship with Iseul.  It will definitely, definitely take away the objectivity from all judgement.

“Your son… I remember him.  Your son is 6, correct?”  A Royal from China asks.

I nod.  “Correct.”

“I must say I agree with Kai.”  He replies, his voice cracking in the microphone.  “Being the Joker while fathering a child still so young and dependent on him is… is dangerous for both the HOC and his family.”

“Yes, I do not think that it would be a wise step either.”  Someone else agrees.  “We cannot risk endangering the HOC any further.”

A ripple of agreement travels through the room and for the first time that day, I can finally feel a little relieved.  These Royals can be stubborn, but fortunately today they are willing to see things from another point of view.  My point of view.  That may also imply that they agree how Jongguk is a responsibility, an emotional baggage, but whatever.  The important thing is that now I am slowly being let off the hook.

“So are we all suggesting that Suzy should continue to step up and be the Joker?”  Jun finally asks.  “Even without the required training?”

“That too, is risky.”  Dongwook speaks up again.  “The identity of the Joker is indeed kept a secret within the HOC, but without all the required training, Suzy may be a danger to the organization as well.”

Nobody knows what to do.  Everyone sits there, silently contemplating, trying to decide in which direction of risky would they rather take a step in.  And I’m just sitting there, gut horribly twisting inside me again, not really knowing what to do.

A couple seats away from me, Baekhyun sighs.  “Just take them both and put an end to us all, why don’t you.  We’re all in danger anyway.”

I snap my head to look at that guy.  “Baek!”  I hiss.

But Baekhyun’s pessimistic remark has caught the attention of one of the Royals.  He looks at Baekhyun.  “Wait.”

Uh-oh.  He’s looking at Baekhyun now.  Baekhyun notices it too.  “What?”

“What you said about using both.”  The Royal from Tokyo replies.  “It gives me an idea.”

What? 

“Hamasaki, what are you talking about?” Someone else asks from across. 

“We can play… another card.  The Guardian.” 

As if suddenly put to sleep altogether, the room falls silent.  I turn to Suho, both intrigued and anxious.  The Guardian?  We’ve never… we’ve never had to play the Guardian.

The Guardian… oh no.

“We can assign a Guardian.”  Hamasaki continues, his voice low with conspiracy.  “You do know that according to the rules, assigning a Guardian is possible too, right?”

A Shanghai Royal frowns. “In this situation, are we allowed to?”

Everyone looks at Jun and the rest of the Royals from the Seoul chapter for approval.  I mean, nothing against the internationals, but we do originate from Korea, remember?

Instead of Jun, Eric speaks up.  “Yes… actually, assigning a Guardian is possible too.”

“A Guardian?”  Sehun breathes in wonder.  He turns to me.  “Kai, if what I think is happening is actually happening, you’re going to be—“

“The Guardian, I know.”  I reply grimly.  Goddammit, I didn’t even want to think this, but— now I have to.  It’s all so clear before my eyes.  I know exactly where this is going.

I’ve never been in a predicament where a Guardian is needed, but I do know about them.  Basically, a Guardian is a protector of someone, in which their lives are bind.  As a protector, the Guardian will always have to ensure the person’s safety and wellbeing and put it first above everything else—even their own lives.   If anything happens to the person the Guardian is guarding, the same will befall the Guardian.  In other words, the Guardian is responsible for their person’s life.  In shorter words, if the person dies, the Guardian too, dies. 

So if… If I’m to be the Guardian…

Being the Guardian will inevitably put me in a tight spot with Jongguk and Iseul too.  In fact, I’m not sure if being the Guardian of someone is any better than being the Joker, since I know exactly who the person I will have to guard is.

Lucky guess—her name starts with an S.

And It’s not Seo Iseul.

“The Guardian can actually be used in this situation because there is no one who fits all the conditions to be the Joker.  No one is… suitable.”  Jun finally says, the idea of announcing a Guardian starting to appeal to him.  “In this case, we have a third option.”

“I think we do.”  Hamasaki agrees.

With an air of greater confidence that I so wanna knock off him now, Jun stands up.  “This is the third option.  Since no one is suitable yet for the position of the Joker, we can assign a Guardian.  As according to the rules, Suzy will continue to step up and be the Joker.  But before she finishes her training, and before she has completed all the necessar