TW // mentions of violence, death, suicide

I barely remember how I make it over to Cowgril.  I remember running, panting, sweating, repeatedly pressing the crosswalk button desperately hoping that the green light would come on faster than it should.  It’s been years since we last saw Jae... and it’s just been so, so long..

It all happened abruptly one night.  Jae, being 17 (or at least I think) at that time, just got back late as usual from school saying that she got contacted by an Ivy League school from the States.  Jae was good at a variety of sports—swimming, running, baseball, football—unlike me.  She was the sporty, life-of-a-party kind of girl.  Jae was always coming back home late and soon my mom didn’t really try to stop her from doing so, but to this day I still don’t really know what she’s been up to the whole time.  Anyway, she say she was contacted by a fairly prestigious college from the States but the weird thing that night was... she didn’t look ecstatic like she’s supposed to.  She—she looked kind of glum.  But when we asked her what was the matter, she simply waved it off and said that this wasn’t the academy she wanted to get into at first.  Which for me, was a stupid reason because this thing covered everything!  School fees, ticket fees, dormitory fees, and also transport!!  The only thing we had to pay for was her living expenses, which could be adjusted. 

Anyway, Jae didn’t look too happy, but naturally, she insisted on going.  And at that time, we didn’t really put much thought into it too because money was short and this seemed like a pretty great opportunity for her.  I was in grade 5, I think.  We have a pretty big —she was 17 and I just turned 10.  As soon as she graduated from her high school here in Korea, she went off, just like that, to the States. 

And didn’t return.

In the beginning, she did come home for Christmas and stuff but as time went on we heard less and less of her... By the time I figured out how to Skype she had ditched it altogether.  She sent us postcards and letters regularly but almost never.. called.  She still came home regularly, Christmas and summer and sometimes in the fall, but her calls were very rare.  She phoned once when she said she got another scholarship and was going to continue her studies there in.. what was it again?  Health studies or something I don’t really know.  Then she called again to say she liked it there and she had a job—and by then mom got really pissed and she was all like ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THERE DON’T WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHIN TO YOUR VISA AND HOW CAN YOU THINK OF MOVING ALL OF A SUDDEN—“ But Jae told us not to worry—again and again—still in that calm, I-don’t-want-to-explain-this-to-you-but-please-trust-me kind of way, which really ticked mom off so in the end she said ‘FINE!  DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT!’  And that was how it settled, probably.  Our lives continued on, because it was around those years that dad got really sick so mom wasn’t in the mood for all Jae’s disappearing act. 

Ever since she got this job, she almost never came home.  No, now that I think about it—she never did.  She wired us money regularly, along with those postcards of Santa Monica, and so soon... And calling to America was expensive too so..  All we knew was that she was alive, and hopefully well.

Well, that was roughly what happened to Jae.  If she’s still as good as gold now then it must be thanks to her brilliant karma in her previous life or something.  But I don’t really care cos now—she is back!  She’s back~!  Cue in Infinite!

I arrive in front of Cowgril and pause for a minute.  What am I doing?  Why did I pause?  Was I scared? 

No, I shake my head.  Let’s do this and kill the . I push open the door and begin scanning.

“Yah!  Major hottie, nine o’clock!”  Someone from my nine-o’clock yells.

That.

That’s her voice alright.

I spin around towards the said direction and there she is, sitting on a table by the wall, dressed in a light, floral kimono and a white tank underneath, adorned by rippling waves of died strawberry blonde hair.  She waves and grins, like we just saw each other yesterday and because we clearly did not, I reply her decent greeting with a fairly vulgar one.

“YAH!  SEO-JAE-IN!!!” I scream, heading towards her at full force. 

“Excuse us, excuse us..” Jae says, standing up and bowing her head to the other customers apologetically.

“YAH!!  How could you do this to us?!” Immediately I engulf her in a tight, life-threatening hug which is witnessed by the entire restaurant.

“Wow, Iseul, you look great!  I love that color on you—is that Medium Chestnut?”

“I hate you!” I sob, thumping her back.  I don’t have a lot of memories with Jae, I know, but I do have enough to know that she’s so funny and full of life and that I miss her tremendously.

“I know, I know.  I’m sorry but now that I’m back, and for good I hope, and I’m gonna tell you everything.  Sit down little one, cos this is going to be a long story.”  Jae gestures at the seat in front of her. 

“Well?” I ask impatiently. 

“Order first.” She signals at a waitress.  “They have spare ribs and rumpsteak on promo, but if you don’t want that you can always get the usual sirloin or tenderloin—“

“Yah!  Quit stalling!!”

“I’m not!  I just don’t want you to pass out from hunger!!” Jae glares at me.  “Since I’ve only ordered a drink—the promo spare ribs for me please, and you Iseul?”

“I’ll go with my usual sirloin.  Medium, mushroom sauce and fries.  With a lemon tea, please.”

“Anything else?”

“No, thank you.”  We hand the menu books to the waitress and immediately after that I begin pounding Jae with questions.

“Iseul.  Iseul, stop.  It really isn’t as simple as you think.”  Jae’s face takes over a stern expression now.  “If I tell you everything do you promise you won’t get us dragged into the police office because of your screams?”

“Yes.”  I squeak, shaking internally with anticipation.

“Do you remember the night—that night, when mom had to get me from the police office because something happened?”  Jae asks, every air of fun leaving her.  I know she’s talking some serious business here. 

“Yeah.  Of course.  That night, I was nearly—“

“Victimized, I know.”  Jae says, knowing I don’t really like the word every since it (nearly) happened.  “Do you know why I was taken there?”

“Mom said—mom said you did something wrong with your friends.  I think she said you got caught underaged drunk driving.  Dude, I don’t know.  That was ages ago and I didn’t really push it back then cos— I mean, you were frequently out till late night those days.”

Jae is silent for a while.  “Alright, I think you’re big enough to know the fact that that was a lie now.” 

“What?”

“Wanna know why I was there?” Her voice dropped into a barely audible hushed whisper.

“Uh, isn’t that the point of us meeting up?”

“I killed someone.”

Holy .

My mouth drops open, before I force it back close again, but even that didn’t hold for long because two seconds later my mouth falls open again—

“Uh, you’re kidding right?”

“Well I had a reason to.”  Jae shrugs.  “Okay, I see that we have to start from the top.”

“Holy Jae please do!” I say, trying hard not to scream.

“Well you see, back then, Iseul, I wasn’t the pretty little innocent kind of kid.  I was always out late at least 3 days a week—not because of sports training like I told y’all—but because I was involved with a gang.  A mob.  Not a really big one, but still one, nevertheless.”  Jae pauses for me to take in, which I barely manage do so gracefully.  Scratch that, I didn’t take it in gracefully at all.

“Wait what?!  What the hell?!!!”

“I was this errand girl.  I was sort of in the mob but not really—it was still halfway through the initiation process before I officially become a trusted member, you see.  Of course they have to see if you could be trusted.  Whenever the gang got hold of some illegal stuff, like laundered money or drugs that were going to be traded with other gangs for other items, I’d be the one to arrange the meet up, bring the stuff, traded it for the goods and bring it back.  Usually it was me and some other people, but that night—and you know which night I was talking about—it was only me.”

“Cut!!  CUT!” I shriek.  “You’re telling me you were involved in a gang with drugs and—illegal money, and—“

“Weapons?  Guns?  Bombs?  Yeah. ”  Jae says, her voice still low and soft.  “It was just a small one though, a group of amateurs and not exactly an international crime organization or something.”

“And then?!”  I shriek.  “Why?!  How?!”

“That’s the kind of thing that happens when you get into the wrong crowd during high school.” Jae shrugs.  “Anyway, as I was saying—“

“What for, Jae?!” I gasp.

“Money, idiot.  And for the thrill of living.  What else?” Jae rolls her eyes.  “Now are you going to let me continue or not?”

“Yeah.”

“And so that night, I was supposed to go meet with these men to trade a couple of kilos of coke and meth.  Usually there’d be around 3 of us, but that night the other two were—“  Jae makes a face, “—of somewhere.  I don’t know.  I don’t remember.  So long story short—I went there and voila!  I ran face to face with this old man who was driving and running like his life depended on it.  Enter, the real trouble.”

“Now, I don’t know what this old dude did but he sure did look like he needed some cover and like he was running away from someone.  He bumped into me, out of breath and knocked my bag—it was an innocent one, don’t look at me like that you—and everything came spilling out.  And then a few seconds later the answer came up to me right in the face.  Cops.  He was running away from a bunch of cops.  I have never been as pissed as I was that night in my entire life!  You see, I don’t care if this guy was doing something illegal and that he was about to be thrown into jail for it.  The problem here is, I’m doing the exact same thing!  I was there, picking up all my stuff and suddenly they were already right in front of me, shining their flashlights and telling me to freeze—“

“Holy , they found out about the meth, didn’t they?!” I breathe. 

“Yes, and no.  They found out about the meth, but not my meth.” Jae says, her fingers curling into a ball.  “The police searched me as well, thinking that I had something to do with that old dude who just went up the building.  When they did, they discovered a pinch of meth in my bag, and that was when I freaked out.  Was it—did I slip any in my bag?  I mean, I actually had quite a lot with me.  But I’m sure I didn’t take any for myself!  I don’t do drugs.  Did some slip into my bag—then it hit me.  It must’ve been that ahjusshi.  And he went into the warehouse which I hid my ‘goods’ in.”

“Holy .”  I answer, lost for words. 

“So you see, I was about to plead innocent when some other police started going in that building—that warehouse, I mean.  I went, .  If they see the meth and coke in there I’d never get out of this alive.  I had a like, a pound or two with me there.  2.2 till 4.4 kilos and that was surely not going to help with anything.  So what do you do when you did something wrong?  And this goes for everything Iseul, so listen to me.”  Jae smiles, a wicked little smile that tells me she had fun doing all this.  “You go run and burn the evidence.”

“B-burn?”

“You burn the evidence.  That’s what matters here.”

“Jae, you didn’t burn the... warehouse, did you?”

“I kind of did.”  Jae says with a smug look I so badly wanted to wipe off her face.  Can’t she see that it is so, ing, wrong to do that?!  Her whole idea of having fun in life is wrong!

“What the hell?!!  And why are you telling me this again?  What does it have to do with—“

“This is tied to that story of me in the States so wait for it sis!”  Jae snaps.  “Now do you want to hear the awesome story of how I burned a building and killed a man or not?!”

“Jae you’re a ing lunatic!”

“Hey, I was being smart and saving my own okay?  If they found the coke and meth there they’d never believe I had nothing to do with the drugs I had in my bag.  Courtesy of the ahjusshi.”

“Why didn’t you just—“

“Take a urine test and lie saying you had nothing to do with it all?  Tell them you don’t know anything about it?!  I sure could, as that urine test is definitely going to prove me innocent, but then what?  I just leave the cops to find the gang I was part of and let ‘em face the charges?  Newsflash, Iseul, that’s called betraying your friends.  More dangerous friends, in my case.  You know what they’ll do when they found out I fled to save my own and left them out in the open to the police?”  Jae crosses her legs and lean forward.  “They’ll kill me.”

I sure do ing hope no one is secretly eavesdropping.

“So you see, either way, my life was sorta on the line.  So I had no choice but to run and start fire by lighting something that would only kaboom 5 or 10 minutes later when I was already safely out of the zone.  They’d think the other man in there do it for a whole other motive—suicide.  Plus they’d never found out how I could’ve done it.”  Jae winks.  “Wanna hear that side story too?”

“A one sentence summary of it please.”  I say, horrified.

“That warehouse belonged to our gang—for storage and hiding, you know?  There was this small timer bomb we kept for emergency, so of course I did it with that.  Then again, you burn the evidence.  It was caught in the fire and burnt to ashes.”  Jae shrugs like it was no big deal.

”Along with the man!”

“I don’t care, he shouldn’t have done that to me and he could’ve escaped by then too.  I don’t know whether he died or not, to be honest.”  Jae admits.  “I shouldn’t have said I killed him.  But I feel like—I think I did cos he was hiding somewhere in there, waiting for the cops to leave, remember?  Must’ve been quite a nasty surprise, finding the place blowing up like a dynamite just when you thought it was safe to leave.”

“But how did you, like, set the bomb up that fast and then let them get you without looking suspicious or without letting them discover anything—“

“First, all I had to do was run up inside to a seemingly ‘clear’ place, meaning no drugs or guns, and run to this place where the bomb was hidden.  Then I pretended to trip.  No, really trip and pretend to get caught on something like a twisted ankle or whatever—then you set up the little guy—cos it was planted on the floor.  It only takes a second if you know how to do it, really.  Setting the time and turning it on and all that.  We’ve had practices, just in case, Then the cops got me, of course, and so I only had to pretend to grumble first and come along with them to the police station.  Then I know they’ll let me go there.  Afterall, I wasn’t doing drugs—just dealing them.”  Jae laughs, much to my horror.  “Jesus, what’s with the face, Seul?”

“But weren’t the cops after that guy?  Didn’t you say he was the one being chased by the cops?  They didn’t just leave him like that—once they saw you, I mean—right?  Cos that would be stupid.”

“Now that’s the funny thing, I don’t really remember.”  Jae taps her lower lip with her index finger.  “I think there were other cops still heading for the said place and they would be the ones taking care of him.  When I bumped into them there was only one car.”

“Wouldn’t you risk bombing a couple of cops too, if they came after that?”

Jae shrugs.  “I don’t think so.  I somehow did the maths in my head and I set it to go off at the short, right time we had—the seconds when the guy was alone after I’ve left, and just before the other cops arrived.  I don’t remember but you do realize that this isn’t the main story you’ve been wanting to hear right?”

“You said this had something to do with that story!”  I reply.  “When is that part coming?  I still can’t see it!”

“Patience, little one.  So after that I was taken to the police station right?  Somehow—just some-ing-how—the police dropped their charges against me.  They stopped questioning, they stopped threatening to put me in jail, they just.. said I could go.  I said, ‘why?’ They said someone confirmed to them that you really were innocent.  I was like, ‘who?’  I thought to myself, don’t tell me that ahjusshi surrendered?  But the police didn’t want to answer—they just said it was a trusted and respectable person who did and that I had better just be grateful, shut up and leave.  I didn’t trust them.  What if they were going to investigate me even further or like this guy is actually some old crook who’s gonna ask for a filthy payback, or—or what if they told my mom and she actually paid a huge amount of bail money—I surely wasn’t gonna let that happen cos you know how money was—and I don’t know I was making up a whole lot of scenarios, and on top of that, I’ve always had the most annoying sense of curiosity so I kept on bugging them, until the actual person arrived.”

“Who was it?”

Jae launches into this long, winding, back-and-forthing story of how the people behind it were actually one of the hugest, most cunning, most feared international crime organization that is kept with utmost secrecy.  Only some people of the underworld knew about them.  They weren’t local, petty goons that are often caught beating people up on the streets or whatever, they’re slick, smart, and their work is clean and professionally done.  My sister sort of knew, but to those guys, she just discovered the whole thing from point 0 since they didn’t know my sister was in a gang—or at least sort of, but she couldn’t even say so—since if she did, it would lead back to the meth problem and the gang problem.  Therefore, they had to silence her.. which is by..

“And so they.... they exiled you to the States?” I repeat, not sure if I caught that quite right.

“You could say it like that.” Jae shrugs. 

“Are you serious?!  Why would they even go that far?!” I’m nearly screaming by now.

“Lots of professional bull, but that leader guy who came to me back then clearly had trust issues.  He said he saw me as the stubborn and the will-be-loose-lipped-for-information type—whatever that may have anything to do with the current situation—and then after a long, long talk he said I was going to need to go somewhere far away cos I might wreck a havoc here in Korea.  Or, I had to join in his stupid secrety gang which I don’t trust cos I think he someone knows the man back at the warehouse.  He said if this was leaked to the outside world, his whole.. profile, his status could be ruined.  I have no idea how could I ever cause that much damage but anyway, that was it!  So America it was.”

“That’s not a good reason to exile someone to America!”  I cross my arms indignantly.

“You think so?”  Jae raises her eyebrows, drinking some of her drink.

“Yeah!  You can’t just relocate someone just like that!”

“Would the full scholarship to an Ivy League school be enough?”  Jae asks.  “I couldn’t say no to that, Seul.  You know how much money I’ve saved y’all?”

“But still.”  I mutter, still pissed. “They couldn’t just—they shouldn’t just send you away like that.  , they think money can easily fix everything huh?  I’m guessing the no-call-no-visits thing was also because of them?”

“Why I came back was also because of them, though.”  Jae shrugs, and my brain is already too tired to process any more potentially heart-attack triggering information so I motion for her to continue, which she does.

“I thanked them by leaving them my phone number telling them that I wasn’t a bad person they had to get rid off and that they could call whenever they needed my help.  Might sound ridiculous, I know, but anyway, I did just that—“

“So you—so you actually wanted to be involved with these... mobsters?” I whisper, my head spinning faster and faster by every second.

“No, not really, but it wasn’t like I was a total newbie to the whole underworld society when the whole thing happened right?” Jae cracks a half smile that I make no effort of returning.

“Well—okay whatever—and then?”

“They called me.  Like, 2 nights ago or something.”  Jae shrugs.

“What for?!” I ask, not sure if I really wanna know.

“They needed my help with something.”  Jae shrugs.  “It’s kind of stupid, actually, but I had to keep my promise, didn’t I?”

“Not to people like them.”  I huff.

“Especially to people like them.”  Jae corrects.  “They could literally kill you!”

I shrug and mumble a reluctant agreement.  “So?  What’s the deal?”

“They asked me to—“

Suddenly, right on time before the keyword, Jae’s phone starts to ring. 

“Urgh!”  I groan.  “Who’s that?”

Jae doesn’t answer.  “Hold on a sec.”  She says, looking a bit confused and pissed at the same time.

I grouchily do as I’m told and begin absentmindedly eating my fries.

“Hello?”  I hear Jae say.  Who could it be?

“How’d you get my number?”  She snaps.  “No, I asked you first.  What the hell are you doing?!  Yah—Why not?!” 

What the hell is happening in there?

“Ani, I can do what I want.”  Jae raises her chin rebelliously.  “What’s it to you anyway?”

I concentrate and I swear that shouting person in the background sounds vaguely familiar...

“Why not first?”  Jae challenges again, still not giving in. 

“No.  If you won’t tell me I’m—“

Suddenly, Jae stops.  Color sort off drains out of her face and she looks like she’s just seen a ghost.  “Alright.  Bye.”

“What happened?”  I ask,  immediately pouncing on her peculiar manner.  What happened?  She was so bold and rebellious like a tiger and then the next moment she became—

“Nothing.”  She shrugs.  “An old friend called.”

“Your old gang friends?”  I ask, and Jae nearly chokes on her food. 

“No—no.  No, I don’t even know where they are anymore.”

“Then?” I ask again, leaning in.

“Iseul, stop.  It’s nothing, I promise.”

“Fine.”  I cross my arms.  “Get on with the story.”

“Oh.  Right.  Where was I?”

“They asked you to.....?”  I probe.

“They asked me to?”  Jae repeats, lost. 

“Do something!  What is it?”

“What?” Jae repeats, and I swear to God I would’ve smacked her up and down Wall Street if Wall Street was actually in Korea.

“They asked you to do something for them, that’s why they called you back to Korea!!” I stomp my feet impatiently.  “Quit stalling!”

“Oh, that.”  Jae shrugs.  “They just asked me to help with some problems.  They need someone who knows English well because they’re currently trying to secure a deal with couple of Italian mafias.  And since the mafias only know Italian or English.. so..”

“Seriously Jae, you really wanna get involved in all this again?!”  I cry, viciously stabbing my fork into a chunk of meet.

“Yes!!  I do!!”  She nods happily— a little too happily, if I might say.

“Jae, are you sure?!  I asked you if you really wanted to get involved in all this mobstery — you’re not getting married.”  I deadpan.

“I know.  I do.”  She smiles and I can’t help thinking that that relieved smile on her face looks a little suspicious...

Why the hell is she still smiling at me like that. 

“Um.. okay.. so.. is that your job?  A black linguist?”

“Don’t put it like that!”  Jae swats the air in front of her.  Suddenly, she raises her eyebrow at me and subtly points to my left.  “Dude, that guy on your left keeps checking you out.”

“And dude, you’re hallucinating.” I say, pointing my fork at her. 

“No, seriously.  Look!  Look!  He’s looking at you again!!”

“Where?”  I turn my head to where Jae’s eyes are popping out aggresively.  “The one with a cap?  Dude, he’s looking at you.”

“Yeah, and no!  See?  His eyes just darted over to you like that—“

“No, dude, he was looking at you.” I say, stealing a glance. 

“You.”  Jae argues.

“Why the hell would he look at a frazzled hobo?  He’s looking at you!” I argue.

To my utmost horror, Jae raises her hand and calls—

“Excuse me!  Yeah, you right over there with the HBA cap!  Who are you looking at?  Me or her?”

Oh God I want to die I want to die I want to die!!!  I cannot believe Jae just did that.  Every single person is now blatantly staring at us, both me and Jae.  I want to—I want to shrivel up like a ing raisin and just look ugly and old and pathetic so they’ll all look away!

“Seo Jaein!!  I yell.  “Is that what America taught you??”

“Well sir?  We would to hear the answer sometime this year please!   I keep on telling her it’s her but she says it’s me—so which one of us do you want a Line contact from?”

“Shut up Jae—oh my GOD!  Look at him!!  He probably wishes he was a turtle now so he could just pull his head in and not have to suffer from the shame you’re giving him!”  I whisper frantically.  “I’m sorry!!  You don’t have to answer her!  She must be—er, too jetlagged to function—“

“I am not!”  Jae protests loudly.  Then she turns her attention back to the man with the cap, who’s slowly putting his phone back into his pocket.  He probably wants to get away from here as soon as ing possible now.  “Sir?”

“N-neither.”  The man blushes furiously, and Jae’s lower lip juts out automatically.

“But you were clearly looking at one of us.”  She points out.

“Jae, stop!!”  I cry, ready to beg.  I turn to the poor guy.  “Uh, sorry!  You don’t really have to answer her—“

“Sir?”

“Okay, okay!  The truth is, I was actually looking at the both of you.  There.” 

“Well, if you’re silently comparing one of us to the other— she has better brains and s and I have better and wit.  There you go.”

HOOOMYGOD this is lucky I don’t have a roll of chloroform with me.

“I—well, that wasn’t what I was actually of but.. thank you?”  The guy says, scratching the