ISEUL’S POV

Days pass, time flies, and before I know it, I’m looking at T-1 of my second-round interview.

The past few days have been filled with a mundane routine of waking up, looking the bare minimum of presentable, grinding Leetcode aka practice coding questions, and going to Black Printernet while half wondering what type of psycho will be waiting for me there that day. Then, once I’ve survived the outside world and have to be alone with my thoughts again at night, I either do more practice coding questions or watch K-dramas.

Or variety shows, lately, because watching love just makes me think about love that is lost and probably irretrievably gone.

If there’s any love to begin with at all, actually.

I never said I did.

Theeere it is. Stop. I shut my head and rapidly shake my head from side to side, as if trying to chase the ghost of a thought out.

Luckily enough, the past few days have been relatively stable and nothing out of the ordinary, which is perfect for a stress head like me. When I’m stressed, the sound of someone chewing a decibel too loud is enough for me to yeet them off a cliff. Which brings me to—

“Are you done yet?” I asked Mark, half irritated at how he seems to be slurping a never-ending supply of rabokki soup. “Yah, I need to be at Black Printernet in less than 15 minutes!”

Of course he decides to slurp obnoxiously loudly and annoy me further by waving a dismissive hand in front of my face. “Relax. Car.”

And here I present to you again, ladies and gentlemen, an employee who’s carrying Korea’s cost of unproductive labour on his back. As usual, Mark is sort of at work, not working. His bright orange cab sticks out like a sore thumb outside this tteokbokki place.

I click my tongue and my thoughts drift back to the interview ahead. “I wonder what’s the best course of action if I actually can’t solve whatever technical question they throw at me tomorrow. Do I just admit defeat? Do I have to like, explain anything?”

“You could start by telling them your thought process and letting them know where you hit a dead end, maybe.” Mark shrugs, gulping down some water. I finally hear the loud tap of chopsticks being set on the table. “I mean, I don’t know. Realistically, you’d probably just start going all jittery and red and yelling in your head—” 

“Yah—”

“—Which, you shouldn’t by the way, because that’s just gonna block your thinking even more—here. Thanks, bye!” Mark drops some cash and holds the door out for me. I automatically walk out, no more of the awkward sidestepping and you first and what not – making me realize how accustomed I am to hanging out with him.

“Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should take like a Xanax or something before coming in.” I walk to the passenger side of the cab. “Turn on the fare.”

“What?” Mark looks at me as if I just spoke to him in Greek. “Are you okay?”

“I just don’t want bad karma to happen to me and make me screw up tomorrow, if today I’m sitting in your cab getting rides for free okay?! Like, that’s technically stealing.”

Seo Superstitious Iseul.

“Do I get a tip too then, in that case?” Mark wiggles his eyebrows.

“Once I get employed.”

“I thought karma—”

“Listen here, you little—”

“Okay, okay!” Mark backs out roughly. “Seatbelt! We’re gonna get you sitting pretty under Lisa’s nose in less than 3 minutes!”

“3?! What are you, sending me to God?”

“I mean, if that’s what you call Lisa—”

“Holy , watch out!” I scream, clutching to the overhead handle. “Yah, I’m pretty sure there was a cat there!”

“Omg, why are you acting like my mom? That’s what those handles are for, aren’t they? For parents to clutch and scream dramatically acting like you’re halfway down a cliff already?”

“Just focus on driving!”

“Ok, ok, she’s stressed today. We’ll take it easy. Wanna pick the music?”

“We have time for music?” I look worriedly at the blur outside my window.

“I don’t know. I’m just trying to say whatever.” Mark skids to a millisecond stop at a stop sign before screeching off again. Oh crap, what happened to his driving today?! “What K-dramas have you been up to lately?”

“Why are you – what makes you think I have time for K-dramas these days?!”

“Unemployment?”

“I’m trying to change that!” I screech. “Also, I can’t stand love stories these days!”

“Ok ok, fine! Yah, are you seriously that nervous for your interview? Want me to come with you or something?”

“Yes. But no.”

“Why not! Wouldn’t having a familiar face help?”

“I don’t need a babysitter! Just pick me up with food!”

“If I didn’t know better Seo Iseul, I’d think you’re asking me to act like your boyfriend.”

“Well, is that anything new these days?” I challenged.

Thankfully Mark, being Mark, laughs it off really loudly and pulls up in front of Lisa’s internet café just in time. “Alright, I’ll see what I can do ma’am. Tonight at 8 with food as well? Or some Xanax?”

“I mean.” I shrugged. “If you have nothing better to do, sure.”

“I’m just waiting for a call from my recruiter so at this point, the more I hang out with other human beings to take my mind off that phone call, the better for me. That means I’m serious about tomorrow too, you know.”

I sighed, not knowing what to do about this weird, not-dating-but-spending-every-sunlit-minute-together predicament Mark and I have found ourselves in. On one hand I’m grateful, because I know Mark also sees this as something platonic, but on the other, I feel like I’m…

Never mind.

“Okay, enough zoning off for you. Get off!” Mark leans over to push my door open.

“I want Isaac Toast.” I mumble, deciding to just benefit from it. I look at him, knowing that I’m also just someone who wants to be around other people to take my mind off a certain phone call I got about 2 weeks ago.

“Thanks, Mark.” I say quietly, suddenly feeling the sadness creeping in again. “I mean it.”

“Don’t mention it.” Mark peers at me. “Hey, um… did something happen?”

I shake my head. “Just a phone call I need to stop thinking about too.”

Ok. I got this. All I need to get through is a 30-minute behavioural interview and an hour technical. My brain was swimming with answers to various “Tell me about a time when you…”, data structures, and information about the company.

Kim Shin & Co is a holdings company, with one of their operating companies being Shinhan Bank. I’m going to be on the data engineering team, working with various customer and financial data and developing database solutions and business insights around that.

My leg bounces up and down like crazy as I wait for my name to be called. Ok. OK. I just need to stop thinking, my last three braincells are on the verge of killing themselves already! Let’s just think about… um… Crash Landing On You. Man, I really want to go to Switzerland now—

“Seo Iseul?”

“Yes!” I shoot to my feet, smiling brightly at the lady who calls my name. She gestures me to follow her, ponytail swishing animatedly behind her, and I do.

Ok Iseul! You go make this interview your !

An hour and 30 minutes pass and I find myself bowing rapidly about 30 different times before scurrying down the hallway quickly. Omg, omg, I don’t even know how I did. But I swear, they made me use my brain so hard that I could literally see my last three braincells running away from me as soon as I said thank you!!

 A last-minute decision to go to the washroom springs to mind before I press for the elevator, and I decide to check out what my potential future stress/crying hiding spots would look like. I push open the door and was pleasantly surprised to find a well-lit and spacious interior. Each cubicle had proper walls too, nice!

After several minutes of fluffing my hair and texting Mark asking about his whereabouts, I step out and head to the elevator. Aish, Mark asked to meet me by this intersection—how am I supposed to know which one?!

“Oh!” A voice exclaims and my head shoots up so rapidly my iron deficiency nearly sends me crashing to the ground. “It’s you!”

I blinked once. Then twice. Then… “OH! Elevator!”

It’s the guy I bumped into at the elevator the last time I was here for the first-round interviews. I furrowed my brows. Did I ever get his name? Am I supposed to remember it? Ummm….

“Did you just do your second-round interview?” He asks, pressing the ‘Down’ button.

“Yeah, you too?”

“Yeah. How do you think you did?”

“I would rather not think,” I laugh, and he laughs too. “I mean, I usually overreact a lot so I don’t know, could have gone worse, I guess. What about you? What team did you interview for again?”

“Software engineer.” He replies. “Okay enough, I think, but likewise, I’m ready to compartmentalize what happened back there and tuck it into the deepest corner of my small brain.”

“No!” I laugh. The elevator dings and he gestures for me to go ahead.

The ride down is thankfully brief because although this guy seems pretty easy to talk to, I have no interest in talking to his testicular species at the moment and I hate having to small talk my way out of awkward silence.

“Lobby?”

“Yeah.” I nod.

“Same.” Elevator Guy shoves his hands into his pocket after pressing the button. “I’m only bringing this up because I’d hate for it to be awkward ride down, but I feel like I owe you something if I ever happened to see you again in this building.”

I looked at him. “What are you… oh! OH! Your worst interview memory, is it? Yeah, you said you’d tell me if we met again here!”

“Yeah, and I’m a man of my word.” The guy laughs, leaning on the wall beside him. 

I smile slightly. “Well?”

“I told you I did it to you already back then, didn’t I?”

“I… yes. Wow, you’re good with details, aren’t you?”

“It’s both a blessing and a curse.” He grins. “Well, so about that – to put it shortly, I… I winked at my interviewer.”

What? I look at him blankly. “Yah. Seriously, that’s it?”

His jaw drops in protest. “Have you ever accidentally winked at your interviewer?!”

“No, but—” I laugh at his incredulous face, “—what, was it like a flirty kind of wink? Who was your interviewer at that time?”

“That’s the thing, she wasn’t much older than me and she definitely thought that I was flirting with her.”

“Oooh.” I grimaced a bit. “Yeah, that kind .”

“I feel like it’s a condition you know? My eye just—”

The elevator dings and I quickly step out. My brain is operating on autopilot already because it can sense that Mark with a warm bag of Isaac Toast is somewhere nearby. Also, for some reason, I don’t really feel like talking to another guy just yet. I know, I know, he could have just wanted to be friends, but… everytime I think of something potentially happening with a guy – even Mark, I…

“Well, hopefully you didn’t do it again today.” I smile, hoping that this signals that I’m ready to exit this conversation.

“I didn’t, they didn’t even let me breathe in there.” The guy laughs. “So you’re…?”

“Yeah, I’m off actually… I’m meeting a friend around here.” I smile apologetically. “It was really nice meeting you again!”

“Same! Hey, I don’t know if we should get each other’s names or…”

Oho, I have a response for this already. “Let’s do that if we see each other here again.” I grin. “Till then!”

And with energy from God-knows-where, I dash off to the huge revolving doors just as I see Mark’s fluffy, light-brown hair and purple hoodie float into view.

“Yah!”

“Hey!” Mark swings the bag of Isaac Toast towards me and I catch it.

“How much for this?”

“Just get me some tteokpokki later.”

“You—again?”

“I’m especially enjoying the lack of nutritional content these days.” Mark shrugs. “So how was it? Were you talking to a guy or someone in there?”

“Yeah, I met him during my first-round interviews and happened to bump into him again today.” I peered at the bag, taking a small bite. “Yah, are we walking today? Not that I’m complaining. Where should we go?”

“Yes we’re walking, up to you, but wait, tell me more about this guy. I sense a potential…” Mark wiggles his eyebrows annoyingly, “connection…”

“There’s nothing to tell! I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t even get his name.”

“You didn’t even get his name?! Why not! Who knows if he could be like, you know, the one to help you get over…”

I look at Mark and smile mildly.

“Too soon?” Mark looks at me sheepishly. “Sorry, you know, these days I thought you’ve…”

“Mark, why do you think I didn’t even want to get his name?”

Like what usually happens at the end of a stressful day, or when I’m with Mark, we end up at a street kiosk eating eomuk with soju. And like what usually happens when I start drinking, I start getting the urge to talk my mouth off.

“Hey, what’s your—”

Mark quickly glares at me. “I swear to God if you turn into a blood type trivia dispenser again—”

“You’re an AB, aren’t you?”

“I’m leaving!”

“Okay okay!” I hold up my hands, grumbling. “I won’t.”

Maybe better not. Yeah, this kind of reminds me of someone.

“What?”

Shoot, I must’ve mumbled something. “Nothing.”

Mark tsks and takes another bite of the fishcake.

“See? What do we talk about now?!” I whine, feeling the backlog of blood type facts jump to the top of my throat again. Don’t ask why I’m like this. I have no clue either – all I know is that if Mark’s a Type A then he’s basically like a farmer in that he—

“Something that we probably won’t talk about when you’re sober! Like… ok, how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.” I reply almost automatically, with an obligatory shot of soju to chase the bitter lie.

“Yeah but how are you really doing?” Mark persists, leaning in. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Why are you asking me this?” I say, really not wanting to answer. “Have I not been acting okay recently?”

“You have, but I just—” Mark scratches the back of his head vehemently. “You know, I thought I should just check in with you. Like for real. Especially after the stress of this interview is over. I don’t know, a few weeks ago you seemed a bit down but I didn’t want to ask because of this interview, but now that it’s over…”

I look away blinking, trying to suppress all thoughts about why I was ‘a bit down’ a few weeks ago, as Mark put it. In truth, I felt like I was going crazy every night when I’m alone with my thoughts.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, then fine. I’ll drop it. But if you need to get anything off your chest, let’s do that now, and let’s make it a closed case by tonight.”

I look up at him. “Okay then, if you think you’re ready for this, doc.”

“Try me.” Therapist Mark crosses his arms with a smug smile.

“A few weeks ago… there was this phone call that came in the middle of the night and it nearly made me lose my wits.” I recall. “It didn’t even last for a minute and they didn’t even say anything. The caller was just… breathing. I know this sounds stupid but I just know that it was…”

How does someone’s name go from being something you say every morning when you wake up and each night before you go to sleep, to a word you don’t even dare to let out of your lips?

“It was… him?” Mark asks. I nod sadly. The damage is done, the dam is open now. “How do you know? I mean, are you certain it’s not something creepy we’d need to report instead? There was that creepy squirrel guy at Black Printernet not long before?”

“Um.” I blink, not having considered that possibility properly yet. “Yeah, so this is gonna sound dumb, but… I just know.”

“You know what his breath sounds like.” Mark deadpans.

“No, because that’s not what happens when you’re a bit smitten over someone you’ve slept on the same bed with.” I reply sarcastically. “Though I have to admit, I never really considered it to be the squirrel guy before… but anyway, I don’t think it is.”

“What other evidence do you have?”

“The number couldn’t be contacted right after the call disconnected.” I shrug. “This disappearing act just… You know, like that motorcycle video from before, it’s just so him.”

“Did you try tracking it down this time around?”

I laugh almost pitifully at myself, grasping my hair in my hands. “What’s the point? I’ll never be able to trace it and it’ll just drive me insane. So what did I do after that, you ask? Well, I cried myself to sleep but then got up again and functioned like normal human being the next day. Cheers to that, .”

I hold up my glass and Mark clinks it, though looking at me a bit worriedly. “I can’t tell if I should be worried about you or not. I feel like you’ve gotten over your initial grief and shock but I don’t know if there’s a ticking timebomb buried somewhere in your gut that’s just waiting to explode.”

“Me neither.” I agree, laughing ironically. “Most of the time, I don’t know what I feel anymore. Maybe because it’s been a while at this point. If I try not to think about it, about him, or any of his friends and crowd my waking thoughts with interview questions and K-dramas, I seem to manage pulling myself through the day without feeling like I’m about to lose my mind wondering why, just why did he…”

I trail off. Remember, Iseul, we’ve been through this before. No whys, no what-ifs, no if-onlys. Just take it at face value and try to move on.

“Okay, okay, forget it. I trust you. You won’t do anything stupid. You’re getting over this, and you’ll be fine.” Mark thumps my arm twice, smiling affectionately. “Maybe this is really one of those things where the cliché it’s for the best actually holds true.”

“Maybe.” I sigh dejectedly.

“Like, think about it. Yeah, the part about him suddenly cutting you off like that is ty—really ty, don’t think I’m dismissing that. But the part where you’re now one step closer to a real job putting your brains and degree into good use? The part where you don’t feel like you’re tied down by anything anymore? The part where you don’t have to worry about, you know, just being with someone else’s son during the prime years of your youth?”

“I’m okay with his son.” I say glumly.

“In place of work colleagues? Work events? Potential trips? Promotions? Jongguk’s adorable, yes, but let’s be real. If he really cared about you, I think he would have made you explore real jobs the minute your graduated and not cut off all contact like this. What, is he in some type of situation where if you’re not working for him then you can’t reach him at all? But he still… and the call…” Mark trails off, brows knitted in confusion.

“How does that even make any sense? How is that fair?” Mark raps his knuckles on the table decidedly.  “Seul, you know what? I think you may have dodged a bullet with this one.”

I shake my head, having so much to say but no clue where to start at all. The thing is, Mark doesn’t know who Kai really is yet.

“I know.” I take another shot. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just drop this.”

Mark immediately clamps his mouth shut. “I’m sorry. I just, I wanted to convince you that maybe this is okay. Maybe it’s a good thing, in fact.”

“My head knows. But my heart…” I hold a hand to the left side of my chest. 

Mark sighs and pours me more alcohol.

“When I was with him—there were worries, yes. But being with him made me felt like… there was nothing else. When I look at him, I just felt so in love all the time. I was happy, scared, nervous, angry, but all that came with love and I just—” I sigh helplessly. “Did I really dodge a bullet or did I just lose a kind of love I’ll never find again?”

“Wanna find out?” Mark cracks a half-smile.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean online dating apps.”

“No.” I narrow my eyes at him. “No, no, not yet—actually, maybe not ever.”

“Why not!”

“Because! Because I can’t just…”

“What, move on from a guy who cut you off without a reason—how long was it—what, a month ago?”

I sulk. “Well, if you put it like that it sounds dumb.”

“How else would you put it?”

“Do you know how many people die each year from meeting up with strangers online?” I try to divert this discussion away from me and my stupid sentimental values.

“Iseul, this isn’t the 1990s AOL chat you’re thinking of. People put their pictures and information here, and I don’t think there has ever been a case of someone dying as a result of meeting up with someone on Tinder. Besides, you should always do your due diligence to verify if this person actually exists before actually meeting up with them. That is, if you decide to.”

“But…”

“Look. I just don’t want you to waste even more time being hung over someone that has virtually disappeared from your life. Also, I brought this up today because I think it’s a good way to end that chapter of your life. New job – almost, at least, new responsibilities. New somebody.” Mark clicks his tongue. “Yeongwonhi me and youuu~ Somebody new ~”

There would be no perfect journey anywhere, it’s more important to be happy…

“Somebody new~ Okay, I’m only half-listening to you because I like Super Junior song at the end.” I say dejectedly.

“Yah, come on! All I’ve been doing here is shooting quality argument after argument, all designed to help get your mojo back on!”

“I don’t know, I think I’m not ready… Like, I don’t think I can feel anything for anyone right now.” I say glumly. 

“You don’t need to feel anything right now.” Mark tsks, grabbing my phone. “Just start by checking out what’s on the market!”

“What if no one swipes right on me back and I get no matches and I just end up being depressed and lonely again?!”

“Nonsense!” Mark tsks. “Okay, now where are your selfies?”

“Yah, GIMME THAT!” I shriek. “I’ll do it myself!”

Omg, was he about to go through my camera roll? Rude! Who knows what horrors I have hidden there?! I probably just have a bunch of Lee Jong Suk pictures, granted, but what if any stupid cheesy selfies come up, like the… arggghh the Disneyland selfies? Were they on my phone or his, anyway? Did I ever get them sent to me?

“You need a guy’s opinion too!” Mark leans over to peek. “Well, okay, you don’t need it, but it might help!”

“I just… first of all, let’s just use the same pic I use for all my socials.” I tap on the first picture. “Okay, now what else?”

“Any photos of you doing anything cool?”

“Like what?” I wrinkle my nose.

“Like… yah, use that picture I took of you!” Mark grabs my phone and starts scrolling again. “Or was it a selfie? The one in that mural village?”

“Uh, I don’t remember what I look like in that,” I protest, but I know it;s useless. Mark has full creative control of my Tinder account. “Yah, give meeee!”

“Annyeong!” Mark suddenly squeals, and to my horror he starts typing. “I am a –”

“No!” I screech, clawing over his back to regain possession of my phone. In a flash, I have it. “You’re not sabotaging my reputation like that!”

“What do you mean sabotage?!”

“Look, how weird it’s already starting off weird! Why the would I start with annyeong? Am I introducing myself at school? And then what, you want me to put a fun fact about me and what I did over the holidays?”

“Iseul, this might surprise you, but that’s what goes into bios, not your mother’s maiden name or the city of your first school—”

“I sound like a freaking choding!” I complain. “Here, I’ll just put something like… Notable life achievements include…”

“What?” Mark butts his stupid head in again. “Hey—okay, that’s actually not too bad. Are you gonna put something funny then?”

“I’m trying… yah, what’s a fun fact about me?”

“Notable life achievements include… hmm… oh, I got it! One, being good at math without being weird about it, two, not being that friend who asks questions throughout a movie, and three, being able to dispense a movie recommendation or blood type personality fact on-demand – your choice.”

I type furiously to catch everything that just flew out of Mark’s mouth. Okay, it’s not bad, but… “Is this even good? Is it too long? Does it make me sound cool? Funny? What is this supposed to be anyway?”

“It’s supposed to be you.” Mark grins. “And I’d say that that gets the job done.”  

We continue fussing over my Tinder account even on the bus back to my apartment. “Okay now what next? It wants to take my location? And you say no one has ever died from doing this?!”

Oh no no no. I am not getting tracked by another app, not with Instagram basically listening to my thoughts already—

“It’s not going to get your precise coordinates, woman, it’s just going to take a reasonable estimation so that you can set your search radius in the next step!” Mark explains, plucking the phone out of my hand again. “See? You can set whether you want to see potential matches within a 5 km radius, 10, or more.”

“What should I set it to?” I ask, my forehead creasing.

“Just case the net as wide as you can.” Mark shrugs, dragging the slider all the way up to 30 km radius. “No harm done!”

“Are there any sketchy neighborhoods around here?” Suddenly my brain has no knowledge of what Seoul looks like.

“You don’t know what’s around here?”

“You’d know better! You’re a taxi driver!”

“Sheesh, there’s nothing weird! Relax! And again, you don’t have to actually interact with anyone. Even if you swipe right, you can just ignore them if they ever try to message you!”

“Fine. I think we’re done here.” I look at my newly debuted Tinder profile. Is online dating supposed to feel this unexciting?

“Yay! Okay, now let’s see… oh! There, potential matches are already showing up!”

“Tomorrow.” I yawn, hiccupping a bit. “I’m a bit tipsy today. I’m not ready for a drunken mistake just yet.”

“Right, good idea. Yah, did that Shin company ever told you when you can expect to hear back?”

“By early next week, they said.” I lean my head on the window, staring at the passing buildings outside.

“Oh, okay. I’m supposed to hear back by the end of this week.”

“That’s in two days. Any plans in mind?”

“The good or the bad?”

“Both.” I laugh. “Any.”

“Um… hang on, this is your stop—” Mark reaches over to press the ‘stop’ button and the bus cranks to a stop not long after. “Bad, have you and the guys come over with alcohol. Good, have you and the guys go out for alcohol.”

“The guys?” I wrinkle my nose.

“You know, Jackson, Jinyoung, the usual guys I like to hang out with.”

“I don’t really know them though.” I say doubtfully, hopping down the bus. “Are any other girls going to be there?”

Lol, that was always the question for me. I’m a simple person, my decision-making framework hinges on whether or not there is a similar species doing the same. And no, I’ve classified men into their own bucket, since I obviously have no clue how to read what’s going on in their ing brain.  

“In the good scenario, yes, in the bad, no. Oh, if you end up needing a ‘bad’ plan as well, we can do it together. I promise I’ll be there for whatever you want!” Mark twirls around under a streetlight, holding one hand up.

“I don’t know what I want to do yet… I don’t know who else I want to do anything with.” I mumble, kicking at the ground absently.

Mark looks at me questioningly. “Suzy? And don’t think I’m asking because of—you know—”

That name makes me die a little inside and I shake my head vigorously, trying to g