I honestly thought I wouldn't remember. But when I finally woke up the next day, the memories washed over me immediately.  JB, the kiss, what was said. All of it had been retained.  Sunlight filtered through the window and shone on Jaebum's sleeping face. Messy hair suited him well, I noted at I reached out to brush a thumb over his lips. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, looking around the dainty room. I went to lay back down, but my bladder urgently signaled it's fullness. Getting up, I stumbled towards the bathroom, head swimming and body aching. This is a part of what people enjoy so much? Yeah, never again.

When I returned, JB was awake and standing before me in only a pair of fitted Calvin Klein boxers, perfectly outline his morning wood. I smirked as JB quickly covered himself,  obviously thinking I had no recollection of the events of last night. So now I could choose to do one of two things; either a) play it off as if I didn't remember or b) have some fun.

"Thinking about the kiss again?"

Okok. So I wasn't actually planning on doing that but I couldn't help myself. Plus the look on JB's face made it totally worth it. I snickered, approaching him and leaning in. "Guess I have a good memory after all." I whispered, tapping his bulge with my index finger. A moan escaped from his lips, causing him to blush. Now that was a sight. Cool Jaebum blushing, wow.

"Youngjae..." Jaebum's voice was hoarse, which was incredibly hot. He looked both lustful and panicked. I sighed.

"Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. I mean, unless you ever decide we can actually be something." I took a step away from him, throwing him a pair of sweatpants and his black wifebeater. "Go get dressed. The others are probably worried sick.  Oh, and I'm driving." Jaebum nodded before slipping on the clothes. I grabbed my wallet, phone, and the keys from the bed stand. With Jaebum in tow, I returned the room key and made my way back down to the club. I was relieved to see that the Mercedes had not been towed.

"Youngjae." I looked up to see Jaebum looking intensely in my eyes.

"Huh?" I cocked my head.

"I'm sorry." He bowed. I raised an eyebrow before laughing.

"For what exactly? Jae, I'm fine. Promise." I gave him my best reassuring smile. This only made him frown more.

"I know you love me. And I love you too. But.. this would never work. I wish it would, but it wouldn't. "

"It's because of Andrea, isn't it? You love her more than you love me." My voice was weak and staring there facing JB, I hadn't ever felt weaker.

"No! It's just-" He stopped himself before nodding. "Yes. It's because I love Andrea more than you." My heart shattered, almost like a glass figurine. And the shards cut me deep. I struggled to breath but nodded, barely keeping the tears at bay.

"I see. Come on. We need to leave, wouldn't want to make Andrea worried." I purred with fake fluffiness. Jaebum stood there hesitantly examining me, probably to see if there was any sign of distress. And even though I felt like I was dying on the inside, I hid it well. I got in the car and started it, waiting for JB to get in before smoothly pulling out onto the main road.

"Is it okay?" He gestured towards the radio, I nodded. Eddy Kim rang through the car.

"I’m rational in front of other girls.But strangely, in front of you, my emotions come out first. You’re too good for me to use. Just looking at you drives me crazy. I want to use you forever." I kept my eyes on the road, listening to JB softly singing along. I turned into our driveway, saddened by the end of our time together. I parked the Mercedes in the garage and glanced over at Jaebum. I felt a tear slip down my face.

Why did this have to hurt so much? I knew he loved Andrea, even before I knew he loved me. It shouldn't have been a surprise. But the aching in my chest just proved how heartbroken I was.

~~~~~~~

"They're back." Andrea gently shook my arm. I yawned, rolling over to look into Andrea's eyes. Today they were a stormy grey color.

"Finally." I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I threw off the covers, reaching over to grab a sweater from the back of the chair.

"They have some serious explaining to do. Had me worried sick. Didn't even tell us where they were going! They could've got in a car accident or got murdered! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS?!" She yelled, face red. I flinched, an angry Andrea was a scary Andrea.

"I know babe." I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, kissing her shoulder, "But please don't yell. We should hear them out, okay?" She looked up at me, sighing softly.

"Okay. I hate when you're right." Andrea turned around and kissed me.

"But you love me." I teased, pinching her cheek.

"That I do." She gave me a gummy smile, eyes already changing to the clear blue they usually was.

~~~~~~~~~~

Mark opened the door before I could make it. My stomach dropped at the sight of Mark looking extremely worried.

"Oh my god! I'm so glad you're okay." He scurried towards me, enveloping me in a warm hug.

"I am so sorry. I should've told you. Please don't be upset with Youngjae,  he was only trying to protect me." I whispered into Mark's ear. He nodded, letting me go to grab Youngjae and inspect him closely.

"Come inside. You must be hungry. We have some Kimchi fried rice left. Or Jr could probably whip up some hangover soup." I went to decline, but Youngjae answered before me.

"That'd be amazing. I don't see how you can do this." He moaned,  throwing himself on the couch.

"You just can't handle your liquor." Jackson teased, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

"Are you alright?" Mark whispered.

What do you mean?" I snapped and raised my eyebrows.

"You and Youngjae keep looking at each other strangely. Did something happen between you two?" He gave me a suspicious look. I cleared my throat and my dry lips.

"I kissed him." What are you doing Jaebum? "And told him I loved him, then said we couldn't be together because I love Andrea more even though I don't." Let's just say I wanted to crawl and hide.

"What. The. ." Mark grabbed my wrist and dragged me towards the studio. Slamming the door behind me, he shoved me into a chair. "What could've possibly possessed  you to think that was a good idea?" I opened my mouth to defend myself, but no words came out.

"We can't be together." I finally said, eyes glued to the floor.

"Okay, but why did you say it was because of Andrea?"

"He asked if that was why, so I just went with it. I didn't want to tell him the real reason." I wiped my sweaty palms on my sweat pants.

"What was the real reason?" Mark started gently. I looked up to see concerned eyes looking back at me.

"I'm scared. My whole life I had believed I was straight. My parents expect me to get married to a woman, and to have children. They wouldn't accept me. I'd be a dishonor to them and their name." I slammed my fist onto the arm of the chair.

"Jaebum... I understand. But you shouldn't have lied to Youngjae.  He would've understood," Mark held my chin and forced me to look at him, "You can force yourself to stop loving someone. Jackson tried with me."

"How long have you two had a thing?" I asked hesitantly.  Mark sighed.

Finally after a moment of thought he said, "It started before debut."

"You guys hid it so well."

"Yes, but it ate away at me. I only did it because I didn't want to lose Jackson." Tears brimmed Mark's eyes as he smiled sadly.

"I can't do that to Youngjae." I whispered

"No, you can't."

~~~~~~~~

I never considered myself to be lonelt until after moving onto the set. Back at the dorm, nobody ignored me. But now, Jr has Andrea, Mark has Jackson, Youngjae and Jaebum has whatever it is that's going on.

I just have Bambam. Don't get me wrong, he's my best friend. It's just hormones have been getting the better of him as of late. I tell him to take a cold shower, but he refuses.

With a smirk he'll say, "I know someone who can fix it." While raising his right hand. You would think he'd get tired, but he doesn't. 

Other than Bam, there is Andrea.  Somehow she'll escape from Jr's grip and walk in the forest with me. With the sunlight filtering through the trees, framing her face with leaf-shaped shadows, she looks like an angel.  A faint sunburn is splayed across her her cheeks, making her look like she's always blushing. Andrea's strange; she likes climbing trees and giving me piggy back rides even though I'm taller than her.

"You do know I'm older Than you, right?" I asked with my face buried in her hair.

Chuckling,  she said, "Of course I do." I frowned. "Oppa~" she added, making me smile.

"I'm usually around Noonas, so its a nice change being around you." I voiced, bobbing up as Andrea bounced me higher onto her back.

"I bet. You must be happy not to be the maknae anymore." Everyone still treated me like the maknae, but I chose not to inform her of that.

But most of the time it was only me. Sometimes I liked being alone. It gave me time to think. I would go to the studio and dance. Mostly house dance, the dance that led to my rise in fame. My phone rung and I answered, "Yerin."

"Yugyeom." Her soft voice sang into my ear. I smiled.

"I've missed hearing your voice." I blurted out. There was silence on the other end of the line. "Yerin?"

"I've got to go. Kyungsoo is here." She hung up. I felt myself  getting angry. I don't like getting angry, so I danced. Pictures of Yerin with Kyungsoo flashed through my mind. I frowned. I didn't want to think about Yerin and Kyungsoo. Yerin and I had a short-lived romance about a year ago. Every now and again, she'd get lonely and ask me to meet her for bubble tea or a movie. It always ended with her kissing me then suddenly starting to cry about Kyungsoo. I know Yerin doesn't love me. I'm just another warm boddy to cuddle with or talk to. Yerin orbited Kyungsoo, and I orbited Yerin. It was all very confusing, and just thinking about it gives me a headache.

I get these migraines a lot. They feel like I have a monkey beating on my skull with drumsticks.  Sometimes I get dizzy and throw up. I probably should tell someone, but everyone is so busy we go to Thailand in a week to kick off our showcase. Bambam is already excited to go, I wouldn't want to have it postponed just because I'm hurting.

Maybe I'll tell Andrea.

Andrea gets migraines as well.  She lays in bed with the room pitch black until they're gone. No one can can bother her- not even Jr. If we do she throws stuff at us. That's what I should do, lay in the dark. With my temple throbbing, I pranced over and turned off the lights. Submerged in darkness, I crawled to the middle of the room, sprawling out on the cool hardwood floors. I could sense myself slowly dozing off into sleep.

"Yugyeom?" I groaned, not wanting to get up.

"No. More sleep." I whined, curling myself into a ball.

"Get up Yugy. Please, for Yerin?" A soft voice whispered, warm breath hitting my cheeks. My eyes fluttered open. Beside me, sittinf on the floor of the dance studio, was Yerin. She smiled, blinding me with perfection. 

"I thought you were with Kyungsoo?" I pounted. She giggled, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"But I wanted to see you Oppa. I've missed you so very much." She gushed, taking my hands in hers, eyes b with tears. This confused me, Yerin loved Kyungsoo. I propped myself onto my elbows, throwing a confused look at Yerin.

"Am I dreaming?" I had to be dreaming.  It was the migraine taking over. But Yerin slowly shook her head,

"No. You're awake." She giggled again. Yerin didn't act like this usually.  Why is she acting so strange?

"How did you get in?"

"No one answered the door, but it was unlocked." So that meant no one was home? Where did they go?

"So you just barged in? That's pretty bold of you Yerin." I mumbled, suspicion filling my body.

"I just missed you so much." She whispered.

I forced myself to wake up. Jaebum always told me it wasn't good to dreak of Yerin. It was always getting my hopes up. I just couldn't help it. Andrea calls me a hopeless romantic, everyone else just calls me hopeless. Looking into the pitch black void, I could pretend that i was laying next to her. When I breath in, the smell of lilacs and vanilla fills my nose. Now she's standing in front of me. Her silky hair is pulled back, a slight blush on her bare face. Her loose fitting cream tunic blows in the sudden breeze. She looks just as she did when I first met her. We accidentally ran into each other in front of the JYPE building. While she was busy bowing and apologizing, I just stared at her.

The lights suddenly flickered on, blinding me momentarily.  The sound of footsteps echoed towards me.

"What are you doing laying the dark? " Bambam sat down next to.me, giving me a worried look.

"I had a migraine." I finally said.

Bambam nodded, submerging us in silence. The aching in my temole ceased, just to be replaced by an aching in my heart. I looked over to see Bam staring at me. Realizing he'd been caught, he blushed and tilted his head up. He feigned interest in the ceiling tiles, thumb wrestling himself.

"Yugy?" My breathing stopped.  Bambam looked at me with tear stained cheeks and quivering lips. "We need to talk." He whispered breathlessly. I my dry lips, nodding as I sat up. Bam took a deep breath and ran his hands over his flannel, messing with the buttons.

I cleared my throat, growing impatient as the minutes dragged by. I grew antsy as a suffocating mixture of awkward anxiety filled the space between us. Wiping the cold sweat that had began to collect at my temple, I croaked, "Aren't you going to say something?"

"O-oh! Of course. Sorry.." He muttered. "I did something horrible. I got jealous and crossed the line." I nodded, urging him to go on. "I wrote a letter."

"A letter? How is that horrible?" Something about the way he looked at me made me regret asking.

"I wrote a letter to Yerin. " He breathed.

A/N

Hi guys! Long time, no see! 

To be completely honest I have like 8 more chapters written down in a notebook but I just hate typing it on my phone. I need to get A laptop. Haha.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter! 

Subscribtions, upvotes, and even comments are ALWAYS appreciated!

Love you guys!

Mwah!