Burning In Our Veins

by Chanti12

, romance, drama, medical, action (later on)

Kim Taehyung can feel his life slipping out of his hands. His heart is failing him and he knows his time is limited. If he doesn't get a donor heart soon, it's the end for him. Nonetheless, he tries to make the best out of his life. Jeon Jungkook is a runaway from North Korean descent. He has a hard time adjusting to his new life in a country where he is finally free. People at school don't trust him and avoid him at all costs. Never does he want to go back to the hell that he calls his homeland. What happens if these two meet? Will they become each other's shoulder to lean on? Or will the pain burning in their veins only rip them farther apart?

Title: 10/10

I thought this was a nice title for your story because it had a double meaning: one about Taehyung’s heart condition and the other as the future relationship between Taehyung and Jung Kook.

Story Description: 7/10

From reading your description, I felt like this plot would be cliché where two really different boys meet each other and they soon learn to overcome their problems and accept each other. That was the impression I was getting. However I’m hoping that there will be a twist somewhere.

Vocabulary: 16/20

I would prefer to have more descriptive writing or more “show, not tell” writing style in your story. While I understand what you are trying to tell the reader, it felt like you just handed them the words. I want to imagine what’s going on, to feel like I’m in the story itself. An example of this would be the death of Jung Hyun. You just wrote, “Then he dies.” The death wasn’t a smooth transition from the dialogue you just had.

Maybe it would help if you exaggerate your writing.

I don’t think you noticed this but you switch from different points of view many times. The story may be in third person but you get snip bits of Taehyung’s thoughts, then Jimin, then Jung Kook, etc.

Grammar: 17/20

Some of the sentences were worded oddly where I had to reread it several times to understand. Next were some grammatical errors found. Most of the grammar mistakes that I have found were really small mistakes so they should be fairly easy to find if you read your story over or get a beta reader. There was also an issue with the past and present tense because you tend to switch between the tenses a lot. You repeat the same sentence structure over and over again.

Story plot: 21/25

The plot would be better if there were a slow build up in the story. Everything that happened was just shown. Let’s use the first encounter of Taehyung and Jung Kook for example. All what happened was their discussion about the Frozen Flower and then they went their separate ways. Then in the next chapter, Taehyung couldn’t stop thinking about Jung Kook. Where did that come from? I knew that their relationship would develop soon, but I didn’t know that it would happen just like that. It was too sudden.

It was also very predictable so far. I hope this theory of mine changes soon because I see this story with a lot of potential.

Characterization: 3/5

The personality of the characters doesn’t match the back-story of them. Jung Kook, a boy from North Korea living in harsh conditions has a perky, innocent attitude. The idea doesn’t fit together.

Creativity: 3/5

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

Just a suggestion: if you have to tell the reader what’s going on in the story, then it would be better if you rewrite the chapter better and leave that section in general.

Overall Grade: B