Saturday, February 18th, 2006

Dear Diary,

First of all, I want to say that today is the second worst day of my life, after the day when Mom died. It had been a long time Lu and I hadn't cried so much, but we did today. We had a fight with our parents.


Why, you ask? The reason is still the same as ever, I've become so tired of it. They're actually going to get married and nothing can stop them. And if they get married, Lu and I will practically be stepbrothers. And it means we'll be forced to break up. They won't let us keep our relationship, no matter how hard we beg and plead and cry and whatever attempts we have done so far.


Those dreams we have built together in these last one year and ten months (or to be exact three years and ten months), our promises for our future, they all will come to waste.


Can you even understand how hard it is? I don't know if I'll be able to fall in love with anyone other than Lu. If he becomes my brother, then whom will I give my love to? I'll grow old loveless. This makes me want to fight against our parents, fight for our love, but Lu said it would only make us selfish and ungrateful sons. He's as sad and frustrated as me, but I guess he can think more clearly than me. I tried to bind us together so our parents wouldn't be able to separate us, but he wouldn't let me do it.


We're definitely falling apart.

“Mom. Please, open the door.”


I leaned my head on my door and knocked weakly for like the thousandth time.


“Mom. Mom. Mama are you there?” I sniffed, “please don’t treat me like this, I’m not a kid. Please give me back my phone. Your son is dying here.”


I kept mumbling to myself, or maybe to the door that had been locked from the outside since the night before. I couldn’t believe Mom would ever treat me like punishing a dog. She and Mr. Oh had separated me from Sehun for two weeks by then, they had even confiscated our cellphones so we couldn’t contact each other.


They were just trying to end our relationship.


The previous night, I had sneaked into Mom’s room and spent almost one hour digging through her stuff to find my phone. I had found it under the pile of her bras, and I had been so close to sending a text message to Jongin, Sehun’s best friend, asking him to tell Sehun that I was okay and he didn’t have to worry about me, but before I could send it Mom had come and snatched my phone away. I had been in the verge of tears when she had done that, but I had tried hard to hold back my frustrated tears.


“I’m sorry, Xiao Lu. I’ve warned you about this, so I’ll keep your phone for one more week.”


“No! No, please don’t, I just need to tell Sehunnie-“


“It wouldn’t have been this hard if you and Sehunnie had listened to us, Xiao Lu. You two are going to be brothers soon and you can’t be boyfriends anymore. If only you had obeyed us and ended your relationship, we wouldn’t have been so hard on you. But you chose to fight, so we had no choice.”


I had been so frustrated I had finally let my tears escape from my eyes.


“I just miss him so bad…”


Mom had let out a loud tired sigh as she had crouched down next to me and wrapped her arms around me, wiping my tears away with her thumb. “Don’t cry, my baby. I didn’t want it to be this way, you know that, right? I’m sorry, I love you.”


She had kissed my temple and once again I had gotten my hope back, so I had expectantly asked, “Can I have my phone back and call Sehunnie?”


“No. Can you please go back to your room instead?” she had smiled sweetly at me, “I want to make sure you get a good rest, so I’ll lock the door until tomorrow and keep your phone with me, like I said, for one more week.”


In other words, ’You’re grounded.’


So then there I was, sitting on the floor, weakly knocking the door like a depressed prisoner.


“Moommm-“


Thud!


The door suddenly swung opened, causing me to fall and bump the floor.


“Oh goodness, I’m sorry, baby,” Mom crouched down immediately and helped me sit up. She cupped my cheeks in her hands, pushed my bangs up and examined my face worriedly. “Oh Xiao Lu, why do you look like this? What’s with these eyebags? Did you not rest well?”


“I couldn’t sleep,” I murmured sleepily, “I kept thinking about Sehunnie.”


Mom gave me a quick kiss on the temple and pulled me up. “Come on, we’re going to his house.”


It was as if I was struck by an electric shock, jolting me back to life. My eyes lit up and I could finally stand by myself. I grabbed Mom’s hands and gawked at her. “His house? Sehunnie’s house? You’re taking me there? Seriously??”


“Why? Do you not want to?” she cocked an eyebrow.


“Of course I do!” I exclaimed and threw my arms around her small body. “Thank you, Mom! Thank you so much!”


I quickly ran to the bathroom for a quick shower, and by the time I had finished cleaning up, Mom had been waiting for me in the kitchen.


“Eat your food first,” she told me.


“It’s okay, I’m not hungry-“


“Eat. First.” She glared at me and pointed a fork at me, and then directed it at the chair, and then back at me. I raised my hands and cautiously walked to the chair, sat down and silently began to stuff my mouth with the food.


About fifteen minutes later, we were both seated neatly inside her car.


“Mom, why are you letting me meet up with Sehunnie?” I asked somewhat nervously.


“It’s been two weeks, I think I should give you a break,” she explained, “I don’t want you two to act like strangers later either. Seeing each other for a day should be okay, I’ve talked about it with his dad.”


I secretly smiled in relief; she was still the same Mom I knew after all. She wouldn’t let me suffer too much.


But apparently it was still too soon to smile.


“Besides, his dad and I have planned to meet our wedding organizer today!”


It was then her turn to smile and my turn to pout.


“No, it’s your dad, actually,” she giggled.


“Not yet,” I muttered under my breath.


“Show him some respect, okay? Be a good boy, Xiao Lu.”


“Yes, Mom.”


The closer we got to Sehun’s house, the louder and faster my heart beat. I kept shifting and squirming in my seat, fidgeting with my fingers and chewing my bottom lip, being extremely and ridiculously very nervous. I was finally going to meet my beloved again after being separated for two weeks with absolutely no contacts.


Our parents just didn’t understand; by separating us, they would only make our bond stronger.


When we arrived there, a maid opened the door for us and I trailed behind Mom, going inside the house. Mr. Oh greeted us with his brightest smile and open arms, as if nothing had happened in the last fourteen days.


“Hello, sweetheart!” he hugged Mom and kissed her cheek, making her blush and giggle like a teenage girl. He shifted his gaze to me, smiled and patted me on the arm.


“Hey, son. Have you got a bit thinner?”


“Hey Dad,” I returned the smile and rubbed my arm sheepishly. “Yes, I’ll eat more.”


“Dad? Who is it?”


I let out a silent gasp and widened my eyes when I heard that very familiar voice coming from the room upstairs. I unconsciously held my breath as his footsteps came closer and gradually became louder, until his handsome figure finally entered my vision.


Sehun, as usual looking simply handsome without even trying, stood there and gawked at me in disbelief. “Luhan…”


Everything seemed to be going in slow motion; before I could realize it, I had run towards him and thrown myself into his arms, our lips crashed together and suddenly my cheeks became wet with tears; I wasn’t sure whose tears they were.


“I missed you, Lu, I missed you-“ he whispered between his short breath, but suddenly two pairs of arms pulled us away from each other.


“Boys, stop it! You can’t kiss anymore,” Mom said rather furiously.


“No!” Losing my control, I yanked my hand back from Mom’s grip and jumped back towards Sehun, hugging him as tightly as I could, clutching the back of his shirt.


“Go away, leave us alone!” I shouted, squeezing my eyes shut, burying my face on Sehun’s shoulder. His Dad tried to pull him away from me, but my hold on him only got even tighter.


“Xiao Lu, calm down,” Mom tugged my shoulders and shook me a little to get me back into sense, which didn’t work really well. I could feel Sehun cover me with his arms, place his hand on my head and my back to calm me down, although he himself was nowhere close to calm. We were both so emotional we didn’t even listen to what our parents were saying; what we could hear was only each other’s rushed breath and quiet sobs.


“Boys, please listen to us!” Mom raised her voice, making both Sehun and I freeze in each other’s arms. Remaining in the same position, we turned our heads towards our parents hesitantly and looked at them with our eyes still flooded with tears.


“We don’t want to have any more fight with you guys,” Mom said and glared at us, her chest slightly rising and falling, “so please, listen.”


“We’re listening,” Sehun said shakily, tightening his arms around me.


Mr. Oh sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “We’re still waiting for you to end it soon, okay? We’ll give you two months. More than that, you can’t be a couple anymore. Stop acting like this, you two are not little kids anymore. Please understand the situation. We’ve given you the chance to have a relationship, but we think you’ve had enough.”


“It’ll never be enough,” Sehun responded quickly, glowering at his father. “We’re not blood-related, just let us be.”


Mr. Oh furrowed his eyebrows and crossed his arms, while Mom sighed and covered his mouth with her hand, blinking to hold back her tears.


“Listen to me just this once, Oh Sehun. I’m your father,” Mr. Oh said sternly. He pulled Mom closer to him and hugged her protectively. Sehun pressed my head against his shoulder, not letting me see it when he and his father narrowed their eyes at each other.


I couldn’t see it, but my ears caught faint sniffles coming from Mom, and a wave of guilt hit me hard on the chest. I had never expected her to cry as well; she was my only blood-relative parent, how could I let her get hurt?


At that moment, I understood that she was actually on the same position as me; she was fighting for her love. After my real father’s death, she had been hurt so badly, for quite a long time she had closed her heart to everyone but me. Then that she had found love once again, did I have the heart to take that hope away from her? Was I that selfish?


But on the other hand, I couldn’t possibly let my own love die.


Why did I have to be in such position?


“We’ll send someone to look after you two,” Mr. Oh said flatly, “We’re going now.”


I didn’t dare lifting my head off Sehun’s shoulder to see our parents walk away. Just after our surroundings had become painfully silent did I finally break into tears once again.


“Sshh, it’s okay,” Sehun whispered and my back. He pulled back a little to see my flushed face, wiped my tears away with his thumbs. I raised my head and my eyes met with his pretty brown orbs, glistening with his welling tears. He was trying to be strong, as usual; I hated it somehow.


I clutched his shirt as I parted my quivering lips. “S-Sehunnie,” I hiccupped a little, “I missed you so bad.”


Sehun tilted his head and closed his eyes as he planted a soft kiss on my lips, letting it last a little bit longer. “I’m here. I missed you too.”


Suddenly, he bent down and scooped me up in his arms, causing me to yelp and encircle my arms around his neck out of reflex. He kissed my cheek before carrying me towards the stairs, up to his room.


“You’ve become lighter. Did you not eat well?” he asked with an unhappy tone as he pushed his door opened and brought me in.


I tilted my head and buried my face on the crook of his long, milky white neck. “How could I?” I murmured against his skin, “You’ve become skinnier too.”


“I didn’t need food, I ate you every night in my dreams,” he said, grunting as he laid me down on his bed. He went back to his door just to lock it before returning back to me, straddling me on the bed.


“What’s that supposed to mean?”


“You know exactly what I mean.”


He lowered his head and captured my lips in yet another kiss, our lips moving together in sync. My hands moved to his face, cupping his cheeks, and then slowly slid downwards to his neck and his chest. He dropped his body gently on me and pressed our stomachs together as he tilted his head and trailed butterfly kisses down to my neck, teasing the sensitive spot with the tip of his tongue. I closed my eyes and shuddered a bit feeling goosebumps all over my body; after all this time, I was still not used to him touching me that much at once.


He kissed my neck and whispered close to my ear, “Let’s be one, so they can’t separate us.”


Before I could register his words into my mind and figure out what he meant, he pushed his hips down against mine and subtly moved up and down, grinding our crotches together. I widened my eyes feeling the friction and held my breath, my hands swiftly flew to his waist out of instinct to stop him from making any more moves.


“No. N-No, Sehunnie,” I stammered a little, “This… This isn’t right.”


"Why? I'll be eighteen in two months," he said, furrowing his eyebrows.


"It's not about that," I said, lowering my gaze to his lips, feeling my face getting warmer. "It's just not right. W-We can't stop them by doing this."


I was starting to think that he had stopped listening to me, because he began to grind on me again. He slipped one hand between our bodies and fumbled with the button of my pants. Seeing how desperate he was, I felt my eyes hot with the stinging tears threatening to fall all over again.


I hesitantly held his wrist to stop him and looked up into his eyes. "Sehunnie, please don't do this," I whispered shakily.


He ignored me; after he had finally managed to my pants, he slipped his hand in and began to touch me, while his lips were back on the sensitive skin of my neck. I closed my eyes and parted my lips, slightly arched my back but my hand was weakly trying to stop whatever he was doing in my pants.


"Ahh... S-Sehunnie, p-please, please stop," I begged him weakly, letting a tear finally escape the corner of my eye, rolling down my flushed cheek.


His hand suddenly stopped moving as he pulled away from my neck. "Why, Lu?" he asked between his pant. I opened my eyes slowly; he was staring at me, somewhat angrily.


I closed my parted lips and gulped down the slump in my throat. "It's wrong... It's wrong to do this now. You know it won't help anything, we'll only make our parents angry."


"Then when should we do it, if not now?" he asked, raising his voice a tiny bit. "In two months we'll lose everything, we'll never be able to do this at all. We won't actually share our love after it's too late."


"But we've promised to do it after we actually become one," I squeaked like a scared squirrel. My vision was getting blurry because of all the tears welling in my eyes.


"You know really well it won't happen now," he said bitterly. "We won't get married, we won't have a child, adopt a little baby boy like we've promised since years ago. We won't have all of them if we give up here."


I closed my eyes and cried; his words somehow hurt me like a knife slowly tearing my chest apart. I wanted to give in to his words, I wanted to keep our love and show him that I didn't want to give up on it, as desperately as him, but I just knew I couldn't. It was a dead end, we didn't have any choice.


Choking out a sob, I opened my eyes halfway and placed my hands on his chest. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," I murmured and lightly pushed his chest away. "It won't change anything."


"No, at least let us do this before it's too late," he began to cry again, "please?"


He tried to pull my pants down, but I clutched the waistband tightly. "No, I said no," I said shakily, raising my voice a little, "this will hurt my mom, I don't want to hurt her. It'll only make us selfish and ungrateful sons. We can't be too selfish, Sehun-ah."


He stopped his hands abruptly and stared down at me angrily, and then suddenly he pulled away from me, sitting with his back facing me.


"I can't believe this," he muttered, the hurt was clear in his voice.


I quickly buttoned my pants and sat up behind him. "Sehunnie, I'm sorry-"


Knock knock.


Both Sehun and I turned our heads towards the door, and then looked at each other.


"Who's there?" Sehun asked loudly.


"It's me," came a familiar voice, "Jongin."


Sehun groaned quietly and rolled his eyes. "Why are you here?"


"Your parents told me to come," Jongin replied, "What are you doing in there? Are you with Luhan hyung?"


Instead of answering his best friend, Sehun stared at me with his sharp unreadable eyes, and then suddenly he pulled my shirt and threw it off, tossing it towards the corner of the room. I yelped and instinctively crossed my arms over my bare chest like a girl, while he proceeded to take his own shirt off and his pants.


"Sehunnie, you're not me right-"


"Get into the sheets," he cut me, "just cover half your body."


He didn't touch me and climbed off the bed instead, so I confusedly did what he had told me. I slipped my legs under the sheets and leaned my back on the pillows, watching him wipe away the remaining of his tears and ruffle his hair as he make his way to the door, and then open it wide enough to let