Friday, February 16th, 2007

Dear Diary,

I feel like crying now.

First, today my class was dismissed earlier and I went to where Luhan hyung works at to give him a surprise, but instead, I was the one who got surprised. I found Minseok hyung in Luhan hyung’s office. He was sitting in Lu hyung’s lap, touching him here and there, and they almost kissed! So today I finally found out that Minseok hyung goes there almost everyday during lunch time to meet Lu hyung; this has been going for more than a month. I still can’t believe it, they had never told me about this, while I’m sure enough they know that I don’t like how close they are. They spend time together between their busy schedules frequently, and unbelievably, they kept this a secret from me!


Okay, alright, I don’t have the right to tell them what to do and what not to do. Yeah it’s up to them how often they want to see each other and how close they want to be. Fine, I’m just Luhan hyung’s brother. But couldn’t he at least tell me about this? Because, seriously, in that closed room they acted more like lovers than close friends. I wouldn’t have minded it if they had acted like normal buddies.


Finding this out somehow hurts so much. Maybe as a good brother I’m supposed to be happy because my brother is finally starting to move on, he is finally opening up to someone else, but no I can’t force myself to be happy. I’m not a good brother, I can’t be, I still want him so bad!


For the very first time Luhan hyung and I had a fight as brothers today. We both ended up crying. This is all my fault, I couldn't control my emotions. He apologized to me but I wouldn't even listen to him. I've hurt him, I made him cry so hard. I'm such a bad brother.


What to do? I really don't want him to hate me.

Six months had passed since I had found out about Minseok's feelings for me. At first things had been really awkward between us, it had made him quite suspicious, but up until then I had never failed to assure him that there was nothing wrong and I didn't know anything about his secret. I had been feeling bad for keeping a secret from him as well though, but that was because I didn't want things to possibly get worse.


I was letting him do what he could do, thinking that, maybe his attempts could indirectly help me out a little bit. I had gone through a very hard time fighting with myself whether I should open up to my best friend or not, and how it would affect my relationship with my brother. In the end, I had decided that if I seriously wanted to stop loving Sehun in a romantic way, the only way was to open my heart for someone else.


I was just trying to open my heart, letting it soften a little bit, it didn't mean I was leaving Sehun alone. Those were two completely different things. I still spent my time with him, I still let him hug me and kiss me on the cheeks. I myself couldn't be sure what kind of relationship I would have with Minseok later, if it would grow into something big. But for then, I still hadn't got the right feelings. It was still hard for me to actually fall for someone else.


Nonetheless, being the passive one here, I was still letting him try.


By then, Minseok had been going to my office almost everyday for a month and a week. Usually he came during lunch time to bring me some food and just to laze around my comfy office, sometimes sprawled on the couch, sometimes all over me. It was easy to do because the place where he worked at was close to mine, just about five minutes walk, so he could come like whenever he had free time.


The first time he had visited me in my office as a surprise, I hadn't felt too comfortable to have him around, because I hadn't been used to have someone walk back and forth around my private workroom. But then, everyday when the clock struck twelve at noon, I would set my eyes on my door and wait until my hamster-like buddy barged in even before my assistant could inform me about his visit. It had been a daily habit in my office that my assistant had grown tired of stopping him from kicking my door opened.


Never once had it come to my mind that Sehun could just come and find us while we were not ready; it could just create a big misunderstanding. Since the very beginning I had gotten the feeling that it was wrong to have Minseok around without Sehun's knowledge, but I ignored that weak warning inside my head, thinking that there was nothing wrong with having my buddy in my office. I just hadn't expected it to grow into a really big problem. Maybe I had forgotten that this buddy that I meant was a very clingy buddy of mine, who was a big fan of skinship.


That one normal day, one minute to twelve at noon, I was sitting still in my office chair with my eyes locked on the wooden double door several meters in front of me, when suddenly the silence was broken by the loud screaming of my phone's alarm. It's twelve already~


BAM!


"Lulu, I'm here~!"


I could hear my female assistant shouted and grumbled from afar, "Goodness, Sir! How many times do I have to tell you, please don't kick the door, you're going to break it! Ugh, I'm so going to resign from this company."


I laughed, clapped my hands and spun in my seat as Minseok waved the plastic bag of food in his hand in the air, wiggled his eyebrows and walked over to me while spinning like a balerina. He put the food down on my desk neatly and bowed as if he had just done a magnificent ballet performance.


"Thank you, thank you. No need to applaud me," he said in a classy way and blew a flying kiss towards me.


"You're two seconds late," I giggled as I grabbed the plastic bag and opened the food container inside. "Mmm, it smells good! Say thanks to your mom. I missed her cooking!"


"Next time will be your turn to give me some food, or at least a cup of coffee," Minseok winked at me as he walked around my desk and turned my seat so he could drop his onto my lap.


"Oof! Baozi," I laughed and lightly hit his back, but then instinctively encircled my arms around his waist and tilted my head to see him start eating my food. "Ya, ya, stop eating! That's mine!"


“What’s yours is mine too.” He shifted in my lap and turned his body, so he could feed me with the same chopsticks that he had used. “Say aaaah~”


“Aaaah~” I opened my mouth and happily took in Minseok’s mother’s delicious cooking. It tasted very familiar on my tongue, somehow reminding me of my childhood, when I had spent my time at his house more than at my own. Mrs. Kim was a very kindhearted woman, she had treated me like her own son even until then, when both Minseok and I had grown into manly adults.


“It’s so tasty I'm touched,” I said with full mouth and sniffed, pretending to wipe invisible tears.


“Aww,” Minseok cooed while feeding me, “you know what? I helped my mother cook this. So it’s partially my cooking too.”


Suddenly I choked on my food – really, it had nothing to do with the food being his cooking too – and began to cough.


“Goodness, be careful, Lulu,” Minseok said worriedly as he grabbed a glass of water on my desk and helped me drink it. After I had calmed down, he crossed his arms and pouted at me, “Why did you choke when I said it was partially my cooking? Do you not want to eat it?”


“No, no, it’s not like that,” I coughed a little and waved my hand, “I ate too fast.”


Minseok reached out his hand towards the tissue box on my desk, grabbed one and proceeded to wipe the corner of my lips with it. “Such a baby. Who’s going to be twenty three in two months? Hmm? You’re still four to me.”


I pushed his hand away and stuck out my bottom lip ever so slightly. “I’m not four, I’m a manly adult. A real man.”


He raised an eyebrow and flashed a teasing smile. Are you sure? I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at him, as if accepting his challenge. Of course! My manliness is not to be questioned.


Maybe it was just me, but I felt like his face was getting closer to me ever so slowly. His playful expression had flown out of the window; he was staring at my face closely and intently, almost adoringly. It made me somewhat nervous.


“M-Minseok why are you staring at me like that-“ A centimeter closer and I pulled away until my back was nestled into my seat, while his face didn’t stop inching closer, my eyes surprisingly locked on his lips and not able to move elsewhere. I placed my hands on his chest in a very weak attempt to push him away.


Suddenly he froze and gaped a little to himself, but then a smile slowly appeared on his lips.


“…You’re right. I’ve just realized you look so manly just in simple dress shirt and a tie.” My eyes cautiously followed the movements of his hand, which went up to my collar to loosen my tie and the top two buttons of my shirt. “There you go. Looks ier. Now roll up your sleeves.”


I chuckled awkwardly, rolled my eyes and tried to push him away to hide my nervousness. I knew he was just teasing me, as usual, but somehow I could feel a different aura radiating from his body. “No. This isn’t the look of a director, Baozi.” I gave up trying to shove him away and began to tidy up my clothes. “Can you please move to the couch? My legs are getting numb.”


Instead of listening to what I said, Minseok kept staring at me intently, making it hard for me just to button up my shirt. To my surprise, he grabbed my chin and lifted my head until our eyes met each other. For a split second I accidentally let him see through my eyes how I was actually a bit scared because of our position; he was freaking me out without even doing anything, just by being extremely close to me.


Several years before, I had never felt anything weird whenever he had been that close to me, but then, it was a totally different thing. I couldn’t see him in the same way anymore since the previous six months, when I had found out his secret for the first time.


“Luhan-ah.” He mentioned my name softly, caressed my cheek and brushed his thumb against the corner of my lips. I was perfectly still like a stone, holding my breath, feeling my heart thump a bit louder against my chest. My hands that had been trying to fix my shirt and my tie finally gave up and fell as if they were boneless.


Suddenly an image of Sehun’s face flashed in my mind, giving me a tugging feeling in my chest. It had been a very long time I hadn’t kissed him on the lips, I realized that I still needed him physically as well. Being that close to Minseok made me want to be as close to Sehun. Letting my body act by itself, I let my eyes flutter closed halfway and craned my neck, desperately trying to reach for a pair of lips to kiss.


If Baozi wants to kiss me, then so be it. I’ll just imagine him as Sehunnie.


And then the next things happened so fast; I heard the sound of my door being opened, my assistant’s voice shouting “Wait, you need my boss’ permission to go in!”, followed by the very familiar voice of my brother calling “Hyung!”; it all happened while Minseok and I remained in the same position. He was still in my lap, with one of his hands rested on my shoulder and the other one holding my cheek, and with our lips only centimeters away.


It felt as if the time stopped and the air around us disappeared; awkward silence fell upon us, even the sound of a pencil falling outside my office could be heard clearly. Minseok and I kept staring at each other with wide eyes, not daring to look elsewhere, while my assistant was gawking at us, standing at the door next to my stunned brother.


“…Hyung?” Sehun squeaked, his voice filled with shock and hurt.


"Sehunnie-" Before I could think properly, I stood up and dropped Minseok on my seat, and then quickly walked over to my brother while pushing my tie up and smoothing my shirt. He didn’t move an inch, his shocked expression didn’t even change. I knew I would end up in a very big trouble no matter how I tried to avoid it, so instead of saying anything, I threw my arms around him and buried my face on his shoulder, squeezing him as hard as I could.


“I’m sorry, I really am. Please don’t be mad.” Through Sehun's shoulder I motioned my assistant to leave, so she left immediately, with a face that looked as if she had just seen a ghost. I pulled Sehun in, shut and locked the door, and then brought him to the couch. He was quiet all the time with his eyes set on the rather terrified Minseok, who was slowly walking over to us while stealing worried glances at me.


Still in his dazed state, Sehun slowly asked, "What were you guys doing?"


I took one of his hands and squeezed it in mine, just to make sure I still had him with me. "It- It wasn't like what you saw, or maybe it was, but I... I- I'll explain, please... listen to me," I trailed off at the end of my sentence and he finally tore his sharp gaze off Minseok. A frown slowly formed on his face.


"Are you keeping a secret from me, hyung?"


I heaved a long breath and bowed my head. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep any secrets from you. But really, there's nothing between us."


Out of the corner of my eye I could catch the hurt that was slightly apparent on Minseok's face. I averted my gaze and mentally apologized to him.


"Then why is Minseok hyung here? What was he doing being that close to you? Weren't you guys going to kiss?" Sehun's voice gradually raised as he let his anger slowly come to surface. I clutched his hand tighter in a failed attempt to calm him down.


"Sehun-ah, I'm sorry-" Minseok said, but was immediately cut by Sehun's death glare.


"Get out. Please. I need to talk to my hyung alone."


"Sehun-ah, that's rude," I hissed, but Sehun ignored me and narrowed his eyes at Minseok, making him get up and walk out of the room immediately after whispering a "sorry" to me. Sehun went to the door and locked it, making me even more scared as to what was about to happen.


"Damn it," he cursed under his breath and lightly hit his fist on the door, causing me to flinch a little in my seat. Hearing his hurried footsteps approaching me from behind I felt like shrinking; he had never scared me that much before.


He stood in front of me and crossed his arms. "Explain."


I bowed my head deeper and began to stutter, "I... I'm sorry I had never told you before, he- he comes here almost everyday, it's been more than a month, but really we've never done anything like you think. We've never kissed that way, I- I was just not thinking straight earlier," I heaved a shaky long breath, "I... I didn't want to kiss him."


I wondered, Why do I have to explain everything to him as if I've been caught cheating? Why do I have to be scared? Sehunnie is just my brother, I have the right to do anything I want. However my heart said a different thing; it still belonged to him, that was why I felt so guilty.


"You know what, hyung?" his chest rose and fell as he tried to control his emotions, "I think I've had enough already."


Suddenly he bent down and grabbed my chin, causing me to gasp in surprise. Our faces were so close I could feel his hot breath blow on my face, I was slightly shaking out of fear, but his eyes had captured me completely. He looked both angry and hurt at the same time.


"You can't be too close to him," he said through his clenched teeth with scary low voice, "you're mine."


I turned my head away and shut my eyes tightly as he climbed onto my lap and pushed my shoulders against the back of the couch, bringing his face dangerously close to mine.


"Why didn't you tell me about it? Did you forget that I hated it when he was around you?" he gripped my collar and tugged it a little, "Look at me."


I hesitantly opened my eyes and turned my gaze to him.


"Now tell me how I can trust you," he hissed, "tell me. How can I believe that there's nothing between you two? That you've never done anything with him, even kissing him? All this time you've hidden this from me, anything could just happen here without anyone knowing. Even your assistant was surprised seeing you two. What was he trying to do? Was he trying to strip you? Or has he done that before here? Only I just happened to come here before you two could reach that part-"


"Stop it," I cut him and slapped his hand away from my collar, sharply glaring back at him. "Watch your words, Oh Sehun. Don't you talk bad about me and Minseok, I'm your hyung."


Suddenly all my fear of his scary "other side" flew out of the window; I hated that feeling of being dominated in an unfriendly way, making me feel so weak as a man. All his careless accusations about me and Minseok, they made me somewhat angry. So I bravely stared back into his eyes, as if accepting his challenge to see who had the control here.


"Why do you need to know about everything I do?" I asked with trembling voice, "Who are you to rule me?"


Sehun looked surprised and hurt more because of my words, but it was too late, I had spitted it out. I had no choice but to continue, since my emotions were taking over me anyway.


“Let me remind you once again, I am your hyung, I am older than you and I have the right to do whatever I want without asking for your permission.” I myself couldn’t believe I was saying such things to him, my beloved, but the other part of me forced me to say what I had to say to make things straight. “I told you, I didn’t mean to keep any secrets from you. I didn’t tell you because I thought having Minseok here everyday was completely normal, since he is my best friend-“


“Bull.”


“Watch your words!” I snapped at him, making him flinch in surprise. I had never snapped at him before, it had come out just like that. I was somehow too furious to feel guilty seeing the hurt and disbelief on his face. My lips quivered slightly out of my bubbling emotions and for a moment we only stared at each other in silence.


“…You have to accept this,” I said, “I’m not yours anymore, there’s no way we can get back together. Now I am your brother, not your boyfriend. You have to let go of me, you can’t hold me back forever, neither can I. We’ve promised to stay together, but this is not how we keep our promise. Someday you’ll also have to find someone else for your own-“ I choked on my breath as a tear accidentally slipped from the corner of my eye, “and when that time comes we can only stay together as brothers. We have to prepare our hearts for that, so it won’t hurt so bad, do you even understand what I’m saying?” I clutched his shirt desperately, “please, Sehun-ah, please understand. This doesn’t have anything to do with my relationship with Minseok. It’s only about us.”


Sehun kept on staring at me without saying a single word and somehow my tears wouldn’t stop coming out, I cried harder instead, realizing that I had just hurt him with my words. But what could I say, it was all the harsh truth. We had never talked about our feelings for each other anymore for months, but then that we finally talked about it again, he needed to open his eyes wide enough to realize our helpless situation. He thought we still had a chance, a very small one, while actually there wasn’t any.


It was as if he had just made it to register my words into his mind; he blinked several times and then his eyes became all watery.


“No, no please don’t cry, I’m sorry,” I brought my hand up to wipe his tears, but surprisingly he slapped it away and wiped his own tears harshly with the back of his hand.


“Fine, do whatever you want, hyung.” He gave me a look full of hatred for the last time before getting off my lap and quickly making his way to the door.


“Sehun-ah! Wait!” I called out to him, but what I got as the reply was only the loud slam of the door. The voice in my head shouted at me to run and chase him, but my body was acting against it, I was pinned to the couch and not able to do a single act. After the fact that I had been left alone had finally seeped into my mind, I sank into the couch, threw my arm over my eyes and began to cry hard like a little kid.


“Sehun-ah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I love you.”








Later that day, I didn’t go to the campus for my night class and drove straight back home instead. I was having a bad headache and it was slowly killing me. Normally Sehun would come to me and offer a massage, but I knew that night he wouldn’t. As soon as I got home, all worn out, I made my way straight to my room, but was stopped by my parents when I passed the living room.


“Xiao Lu, you’re home already!” I heard Mom’s cheerful voice greet me, so I turned my head and gave her and Dad a weak smile. They were cuddling happily in the sofa, watching a funny reality show on the TV.


“Hey Mom, Dad.”


“Rough day, son?” Dad asked with concern and I replied with a shrug. “Go clean yourself and we’ll have dinner together. You should go to bed early.”


“Okay, Dad. Thank you.” I was about to continue my way to my room, but then I froze when Mom said, “Oh, I almost forgot, Jonginnie is here! He’s in Sehunnie’s room. Shower quickly, Xiao Lu, he’s going to have dinner together with us.”


“…Okay, Mom.” Loads of unanswered questions attacked my head in an instant. What is Jongin doing here? Did Sehunnie ask him to come? What are they doing now? Is Sehunnie still mad at me? Is he crying? Has he told Jongin about what happened today? Those questions didn’t stop running back and forth in my head even while I was in the shower. It only worsened my headache. To kill my curiosity, after I was done cleaning myself, I made my way to what was supposed to be Sehun and I’s shared room. The first thing I did was to press my ear flat on the door; it was completely silent.


Are they still inside? I wondered as I cautiously pulled the door handle down and pushed it opened a little bit. It wasn’t locked. I peeked through the small gap and found Jongin sitting on the bed with Sehun’s head in his lap, seeming to be asleep. Jongin was staring down at him while gently running his fingers through his hair. That sight made me feel weird inside. It felt… uncomfortable.


I opened the door a little bit wider and made it to get Jongin’s attention. He brightened up seeing me and motioned me to come in. After carefully shutting the door, I walked over to the bed quietly in order not to wake Sehun up. Just after I stood next to the bed could I see Sehun’s sleeping face; he looked extremely tired, with dark circles under his eyes. I sat on the edge of the bed and his hair ever so gently.


“He wouldn’t stop crying,” Jongin whispered, “he’s been asleep for twenty minutes only.”


I retracted my hand from my sleeping brother and sighed sadly. “It’s my fault, Jongin-ah,” I mumbled, “I’ve hurt him.”


“Don’t blame yourself, hyung. You couldn’t help it either.” Jongin looked down at Sehun’s face and smiled a little. “He was just scared that he might have hurt you too. He said he acted without thinking first, leaving you just like that. He really regretted it."


I bit my bottom lip in order not to feel too emotional in front of him. "How long have you been here? Can you please tell me what he told you?"


"Quite long, since two in the afternoon, he called me and told me to come," he shifted his gaze from Sehun's face to me and flashed a mischievous smile, "Should I really tell you everything he said?"


"Yes, please," I nodded desperately and scooted closer to him.


Jongin cocked an eyebrow, "In details?"


"Do you want me to beg?"


Jongin laughed softly and shook his head. "Alright, alright. I'll tell you everything, but don't let Sehun know about it, okay?"


"Okay, alright. Tell me."


"So impatient," he laughed again, "so it was like this."

Author's POV


That afternoon, after finding out about Luhan and Minseok's little "secret", Sehun dashed out of the tall bulding where Luhan worked at and sped back home with his bike in tears. Feeling the pain in his chest, he couldn't care less about everything going around him; many times he almost got hit by cars, but thankfully he arrived home with no single scar on his body.


Before entering the big white two-story house, the eigteen-year-old teenager made sure to get rid of all the tears on his face. He didn't want anyone in the house to know what had happened to him. After inhaling and exhaling several times to calm himself down, he made his way into the house. On the way though, he bumped into his mother, who beamed as soon as she saw him.


"Sehunnie, you're home!" she came to him and gave him a big hug, oblivious to his swollen eyes, since he had looked away to hide them.


"Hi, Mom," Sehun croaked and returned his mother's hug.