Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

Hey Diary,


I'm not in a really good mood today. No, actually I haven't been in a good mood these days. I'll just spill this out.


I've been trying to ignore the fact that there are some weird random girls coming to our house in the last one week and that Minseok hyung has been all over MY Luhan hyung, like, all the time, whenever there's a chance. Don't get me wrong, I admit I am a bit too possessive, but I did try my best to be more tolerant. But now I guess I can't take it anymore, this is pissing me off.


Those girls are trying to take Luhan hyung away from me. I couldn’t believe that some of them even tried to approach me! I really can’t understand these creatures called girls. How could they get into our house? Obviously, it was Mom and Dad. They think hyung is old enough to find his future partner, to find my replacement. Well that’s what they said, but I believe his age isn’t the only reason. He’s not that old after all, he’s only twenty two for goodness’ sake! He has just graduated from university this year and our parents are already talking about his future partner and all.


Not only him; Mom and Dad also told me to start “hunting” since I’ve just entered university, they said I should hang out more with the others and more of the girls. They know I can’t even make eye contact with a girl for more than three seconds – except for one of the girls who came to our house to meet Luhan hyung, she was so shy I felt like I could dominate her. I’m just glad that I go to the same university as my old buddy Kim Jongin, he always drags me everywhere with him and he has many female friends, so at least I don’t have to lie to Mom and Dad about me hanging out with girls. I do stick around with them, I just don’t talk to them.


It’s just so hard to open my heart for someone else. It’s still locked, and the key is still in hyung’s hand. I really do hope he won’t throw that key away so my heart won’t be locked forever. Ugh yeah so cheesy, I learnt this lock-key philosophy from the one and only Kkamjongin. Don’t get him wrong, he’s dumb but he can be surprisingly very wise when needed! He helps me a lot recently.


Both hyung and I know our parents’ main reason. It has been four months after their wedding day, but we still can’t get used to acting like normal brothers, as if we’re glued to each other. I’ve never actually tried to keep some healthy distance, but Luhan hyung does. He still let me hug him, but he won’t let me kiss him too much, although he’s always clearly hesitant to push me away. He also feels uncomfortable about Mom bringing her friends’ daughters to our house to meet him. But as the sweet and polite guy he is, not like me, he treats them nicely and rejects them in the kindest way. Lulu hyung is really good-looking and well-mannered, it’s easy to make girls fall for him. Maybe this is wrong, but I secretly wish that he won’t fall for any of them – including Minseok hyung.

 

Mom and Dad were trying to match me with girls.


I hated it, why did they have to try so hard? I hadn’t stopped trying to make some distance with Sehun, their attempt to “help” me wasn't necessary. I was sure enough Sehun and I could be normal good brothers if we tried a little bit harder.


Or maybe pretty much harder, but still.


Sehun was still the same as that night on our parents’ wedding day, he was my cute and bubbly little brother. I was glad he didn’t act cold towards me like I had expected. After graduating from university, I had decided to continue taking higher education while working to get some money on my own, so then, I was a very busy graduate student. I often went home all worn out, and each time Sehun would come to me and gave me his warmest greeting, also a good massage after a nice shower.


But on weekends, we were inseparable. Since I didn’t have much time for him during weekdays, he used my free time to the fullest, keeping me by his side all the time. Because of that, we often ignored the barrier that should have existed between us, and most of the time we were caught having a bit too much skinship by our parents. So I guessed that was the cause why they were trying to get us distracted by someone else.


On one normal day, I fell sick due to exhaustion, so I had to take a day off. Sehun had a short class in the morning, but he insisted that he had to stay at home and take care of me. But of course, as a good hyung, I told him to go and not to worry about me.


Later that day, in the afternoon, I was lying alone on the bed in our shared room, staring blankly at the boring white ceiling. I was sort of reflecting on my own life when a soft knock on the door and the sound of it being opened and closed again distracted my attention. I tore my gaze off the ceiling and found my handsome little brother fast-walking towards me with a glass full of water in his hand. He plopped down on the edge of the bed and helped me sit up to drink the water.


“Hyung, are you feeling any better?” he asked restlessly as he put the glass aside and climbed onto the bed, dropping his next to me. He placed his hand on my forehead and then on my neck to check my temperature. “You’re still hot. Does your head still hurt?”


I strangely felt touched just because of his soft voice, maybe because I was sick, I got emotional quite easily. “Yes, I feel better,” I said and coughed a little, causing him to immediately take the glass of water and make me drink it again. “Thank you,” I said, wiping my lips with the back of my hand. My eyes became watery and it seemed as if I was crying, although I wasn’t actually crying, but it was enough to make him panic slightly. I sniffed and wiped away all the water from the corners of my eyes, while he patted and my back before positioning himself leaning on the pillows, gently pulling me into his hold. I was hesitant, but I leaned on his body and let him wrap his arms around me. I kept thinking if it was really okay to be that close and if other brothers did that too, but he didn’t seem troubled about it at all, so I rested my head on his chest and snuggled into him.


It’s okay, I assured myself, there’s nothing wrong with brothers hugging, it’s completely normal. I just had to ignore the warmth on my cheeks and the little excitement in my chest.


“You can’t force your body too much, hyung,” he said softly while my arm, “you’ll get sick easily.”


"Yes, I'm sorry," I weakly mumbled.


"No, no. Don't be sorry. You're overworked, you just need to take a break."


"I can't. My boss needs me back immediately."


"Why does he need you back immediately? What does he want from you? Does he like you that much?"


"No," I chuckled and weakly punched his chest, "I just need to take care of many things there, you won't understand."


"Are you sure he doesn't want to flirt with you? He's so lucky to have a cutie in his office."


"No, Sehun-ah. Stop it," I hit his chest again, feeling my cheeks somewhat hotter.


"I'll talk to him then. You have to rest, hyung."


"No you can't," I chuckled, "really, you don't have to worry that much about me. I was careless about my health, but l'll take better care of myself and I won't get sick again. Really."


His eyebrows knitted together in dissastisfaction with my excuse. And then he did it again; he sighed sadly, stuck out his bottom lip and gave me his puppy eyes.


"Hyung~ Please talk to your boss. Pleeeease?" he blinked cutely, "Just three days, maybe? When you get better, we can go out together to refresh your mind before you get back to work. We can go get bubble tea together! Or coffee is okay, if you prefer coffee. Or maybe you want to go to the field and play soccer? It's been a while you haven't played soccer, we can play together with the kids as well! So talk to your boss, okay? Say yes," he shook me a little and pouted, "come on, hyung, say yes. Hyung~ Don't make me do the bbuing bbuing thing."


He balled his hand and brought it up to his cheek, but I stopped him immediately. "No, alright, alright!" I laughed lightly and held his hand down, "don't do it, fine, I'll try to talk to him. Goodness, you can't bribe me with your aegyo."


He balled his other fist and brought it up and I caught it again, laughing as I held both of his hands weakly in mine. Giggling, he pulled back his hands with ease and covered me in his embrace.


"Thank you so much, hyung! During weekdays I get lonely at home and I really miss you, we should spend more time together."


"Aww, okay then," I giggled and threw my leg across his body, "I'm sorry I didn't have that much time for you. I guess I really should talk to my boss."


And so, the next day, I met my boss and asked – or more like pleaded – for a short break during the week. I was still sick, I had somehow gotten a bit worse instead of getting better, but I forced myself to go because I really had to talk to my boss before he could consider firing me. As I had expected, at first the fat middle-age man didn’t give me the permission, but in the end I got it right after I fainted in front of him. He gave me a week off, thanks to my weak body. When I woke up again that day, I was already home, lying on my bed with someone watching me intently. I was on my bed in my room, not the one where I usually slept in with Sehun. My boss had called Mom to pick me up, and of all people, she had sent Minseok to take me home because she had to attend an important meeting. Not only that, she had told Minseok to put me in my own room. I was so furious, I thought it was a part of her attempt to separate me and Sehun, by making us sleep in separated rooms.


“Don’t be angry, Lulu. Your mom said you should sleep here because she wanted me to stay for the night, so maybe we could sleep here together. But it’s okay if you don’t want to. Should I help you move to Hunnie’s room now?”


I felt really bad after he had explained it, I really hadn’t known that he was going to stay. But on the other hand, I was really happy that he was there, it had been a long time since the last time he had come for a sleepover. Since he told me that Sehun hadn't come home yet, I spent the time with him in my room, talking and joking about many things. It made me realize how we had become somewhat distant in the past few years, we didn't spend time together as much as we had done in the past. I had just realized that I missed him.


When Sehun got home, he panicked because he couldn't find me in our room and anywhere around the house, while the sky outside had turned dark. The last room that he checked was my own room and it was very clear that he was upset to find me laughing with Minseok, even though he did try to hide it.


"...Oh hi, Minseok hyung. Luhan hyung, you look better now. Maybe you want to sleep here tonight? With Minnie hyung?" he asked in the nicest way, with his friendliest smile. Both Minseok and I had changed into our pajamas and there was a food tray with an empty dish on the bedside table, I had not long finished my dinner with Minseok's help. I didn't know why, but suddenly I felt so guilty, it felt like being caught cheating.


"I... Sehunnie, I-"


"Oh, look at that bowl, it's empty. It's so nice to see you eat well, hyung. I guess now what you need is only a good sleep. Don't sleep too late, okay? I'll leave you guys here. Bye," he said quickly, shut the door and walked away. I suddenly felt like crying.


Minseok held and squeezed my shoulder and gave me an apologetic smile. "I'm so sorry, Luhan-ah. Are you sure you don't want to move?"


I bowed my head and bit my lip. "..No." I have to get used to it anyway. Brothers don't always sleep together.


That night I really slept with Minseok. It had been quite a long time, but I still let him hold me. It felt different; he was warm, but his warmth was different with Sehun's. I didn't feel that... small, secured. I couldn't sleep instead; it was the first time in the last four months we didn't sleep together, I couldn't help but worry about him, if he could sleep or not, or was he even asleep already. Tired, I slowly drifted off to sleep with him still filling my head.


When I woke up the next morning, as soon as I saw my little brother, I regretted letting him sleep alone. He looked so languid and tired, with dark circles around his eyes, but also a loving smile on his lips. Only that smile faltered when Minseok jumped at me from behind and clung on me like a giant koala.


"Lulu! Let's spend time together today, it's still my day off- Oh hi, Sehunnie! Sorry, I didn't see you there," Minseok giggled as he got off of me and scratched the back of his head clumsily.


"Hi, hyung," Sehun raised his hand a little and smiled. "Please take care of my hyung today. I have class in two hours."


After he said that, he turned around and walked away to the bathroom without even saying anything. I could only stare at his back and sigh sadly.


While Sehun was showering, Mom made some food for us together with the maids and by the time she had finished and left for work, Sehun was still in the bathroom. He had spent almost an hour; that was really rare. Too afraid to know what he might be doing in there, I opted to wait with Minseok at the dining table.


The longer I waited, I grew more and more anxious. "He's going to be late," I muttered under my breath and squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. The dish in front of me was still perfectly untouched, while Minseok almost finished his, since he was too hungry to wait any longer and would have possibly passed out because of unbearable hunger, as he would say. He kept on babbling about stuff that I barely caught, while I responded with nods and a small smile, until he finally realized that I wasn't actually listening to him.


Minseok sighed and shook his head. "Don't worry, Lulu. He's a big boy, he can manage himself. You better eat now, you're not fully recovered," he said with full mouth and puffed out cheeks.


"No, it's okay, I'll wait until Sehunnie comes here."


"Well you've been doing that for fifteen minutes already. Aren't you hungry? Your food is getting cold."


"It's okay," I pushed my seat back and stood up, "maybe I should go get him-"


Suddenly Minseok grabbed my arm and pulled me back down. I furrowed my eyebrows as he brought his spoon to my lips.


"Open up," he said, smiling mischievously.


I hesitantly pushed his hand away. "I'll eat by myself. I'm not a baby, Baozi."


He ignored me and slowly moved his spoon back towards my mouth. "Swoosh~ Open up, the plane is going to pass!" he moved the spoon around, pretending it was a plane, "Hurry or it's going to crash!"


His expression was so funny I couldn't help but laugh. He stole the chance to shove the food into my mouth and smiled in victory. While munching the food, I chuckled and applauded him for his old trick that somehow worked on me.


"There you go," he smiled softly and wiped the corner of my lips with a tissue. "Eat well, Lulu."


I swallowed my food and beamed at my old buddy. "Yes, thank you, Baozi."


Minseok flashed a gentle smile and my back, somehow making me feel warm inside. I was so glad we were still best buddies even though we both had grown up, we could still act like little kids towards each other.


"Now, should I feed you again to make you eat? The plane trick is too old. Maybe I should change it to train?"


"It's the same," I laughed, "how about a flying baozi?"


"Oh, you want to eat me!" he pretended to be surprised and made a funny face, making me laugh again. He lifted his spoon and I obediently took it into my mouth.


"Ahem."


I jumped a little in my seat, almost choking on the food. I turned my head quickly and found Sehun leaning on the wall with his arms crossed, watching us with an eyebrow arched.


"Wha- Sehunnie! How long have you been there?" I asked in surprise, once again feeling guilty as if I was caught cheating, while Minseok just kept blinking confusedly.


"Hmm... Not that long." he walked over to me and suddenly my heart jumped inside my chest, thumping loudly, making me want to run away before he could do something to me. Weird, I didn't even know what he was about to do. But somehow I could sense that the energy that radiated from his body was not the friendly one, he seemed tensed and rather cold instead of warm and cheerful as usual. He stood next to me and stared down into my eyes with his sharp ones. He was clearly jealous.


"S-Sehunnie-"


"Shh." Suddenly he bent down and landed a kiss on my cheek, making my breath hitch out of surprise. When he straightened up again, the cold Sehun was gone; his frown was replaced with his cute smile.


"I'm going now, hyung. Take care, okay?"


"But- But you haven't eaten anything!" I exclaimed a bit too loud, grabbing his wrist out of instinct.


"Yes, Sehunnie, you should join us have some breakfast," Minseok said worriedly, "your hyung was waiting for you all the time, he didn't even want to eat before you came here. That's why I tried to feed him."


I slowly let go of Sehun's wrist and bowed my head out of embarrassment, he must thought I was really childish. But, unexpectedly, he knelt next to me and gathered my hands in his, looking up into my eyes.


"Hyung, look at me," he wetted his lips, "listen to me."


I hesitantly glanced at him and gave a little nod.


"You're still sick, don't let me make you get worse. I won't be able to focus on my class if you act like this, so can you promise me you'll eat well and take good care of yourself?"


I puffed out my cheeks, pouted and nodded again. He smiled and kissed my hands before getting back on his feet. "Thank you," he pecked my cheek and flashed an innocent grin, completely oblivious to my jumping heart.


It wasn't healthy at all, he really had to stop being cute. Maybe I should have asked for a serious brother instead, because then I found it very hard not to fall for him and his cuteness. I still loved my brother in a romantic way.


After Sehun had left, I finished my food by myself lazily while listening to Minseok's babbling about whatever he was talking about. It had something to do with girls, but I could barely catch it, since my mind was already full with Sehun and Sehun only. It somehow gave me a little headache, so I went straight to my room and buried myself in my bed. Minseok was still there, sitting next to me on the bed, watching me while chewing his lip restlessly.


"Lulu. Luhan-ah," he called me and gently patted me. I poked my head out of the sheets to see him.


"Hmm?"


"Are you okay?"


"Umm... Not really," I put my hand on my forehead, "still a bit warm."


"You know that's not what I mean."


I sighed and curled up into a ball under the sheets. "Still not really."


"Does he still feel the same?"


"I don't know, we've never talked about it," I mumbled weakly, "I'm afraid it will be harder if we point out our true feelings. I guess it's better like this, he seems okay, maybe he's slowly moving on."


"But you still love him," he pointed out the ironic fact.


"I'm trying." I sat up slowly, massaged my temple and heaved a long sigh. "I'm really trying. Minseok, I don't want my parents to give me some help in any forms. I believe I can do this by myself. I don't want any help, I don't want Mom to bring girls home-"


"Luhan-ah." Minseok held my shoulder, letting me realise that I had raised my voice and that I was panting slightly because of my emotions. I gaped a little before burying my face in my palms, whining like a dying animal. He scooted closer to me and patted my back.


"It's okay, Lulu," he said softly, "I know you can do it. Maybe you just need more time and you'll eventually see him as your brother."


I lifted my face from my hands and stared at my wise friend expectantly. "You think so?"


"Yes," he nodded and grinned as he leaned forward and gave me a hug. "Don't worry about it too much. You know what? Maybe you really should find something to distract you for a while, something other than girls. You can find something else by yourself."


"Really? Like what?"


"Hmm... How about soccer?" he pulled away and beamed at me. "We can play soccer t