Things were happening to my Sehunnie. It was like there were something, someone else possessing his body that sometimes I couldn't believe it was really him. He was so different. Different... in a negative way.


It all began after I had found out that an exchange of memory had happened in his head; he got his old memory back, but he had to lose the memory of his first ten days in return. It was probably the said anterograde amnesia, where his new memory after the accident wasn't encoded properly and had to disappear in the end. He had no memory of me struggling to get him to remember me again, no memory of himself treating me like some kind of rubbish. I would have been okay with that, if only he had gotten his old memory back completely.


Since that day at the beach, he had started calling me "hyung", but never once did he call me by my name. He too couldn't answer it right each time I asked him what our names were, yet strangely he would respond whenever someone called him by his name. Each morning, the first thing I did was to teach him to say our names. It wasn't helping a lot, but I believed it was better than doing nothing about it at all.


In addition to his strange anterograde memory loss, the old memory of his only reached a certain point in the past. That day when the accident happened, when things turned upside down, it left no trails in his head. I once asked him if he was still mad about it, but what I got as the answer was only his confused look that made it seem like I were questioning something really weird, something from my hallucination. The first time I found out about this, I was relieved because he didn’t remember how he got hurt so badly, mentally and physically, but then just by being relieved I felt like a true coward. I had to admit that I wasn’t anywhere near ready to see how he would react when those painful memories seeped back into his head. He might have gotten angry and beaten me up into a pulp. It wasn’t that I’d run away if he wanted to end me anyway, I knew I deserved it.


This didn’t necessarily mean that I was free and happy. Karma was still doing its job. My life had turned so melancholic like a drama. My one and only love had stopped seeing me as someone he really loved; each time I told him that I loved him, he would return it with an awkward smile. He wouldn’t even let me touch him too much. Maybe it was only me, but sometimes I could find a glint of longing in his eyes. At times he still let himself hug me, but most of the time he held himself back. I wondered, did he still have that special feeling for me? Or could it be that it didn’t return after disappearing along with his memory?


Days passed and I finally figured out what could probably the reason; I found that his old memory stopped far before that day. He thought I was still with Minseok, that was why he acted so awkward around me. It was surprising, to say the least, I tried to make things straight and explained everything to him, but it was like talking to a baby about politics. He could never understand.


Sometimes he even cried thinking about my non-existent romantic relationship with Minseok. With this, I could assure myself that at least I was still someone valuable to him. I did try to assure him many times that I wasn't with Minseok anymore, that he was the one I really loved and not Minseok, but it had never made it to stay in his mind.


Later I had just found out that actually all this time Sehun hadn't really understood all of my words completely; his capability of understanding what people said was limited. This was sad and confusing to me, how could I know whether he understood what I said or not? It really happened that after I uttered a mountain of words to him, in the end he only gave me a stunned look. This made it seem like I was the retarded one, yes, I didn’t even deny it when Jongin pointed that out to me.


What hurt me the most was that sometimes he would go around the house on his new electric wheelchair and look for his dad. I had told him about what had happened, but he refused to believe me, taking it as a heartless joke. What he believed was that his dad was only going somewhere, that he'd go back home soon or later. Not wanting to hurt him, in the end I gave up trying and let him be.


This new Sehun got depressed and anxious so easily, he was also very temperamental. I had expected that he'd return to his old self after he got his memory back, but no, that little monster was still there inside of him. Doctor Kim had officially declared that he had a bipolar disorder. One time he could be nice and sweet, just like the Sehunnie I knew, or strangely he would act abnormally happy and energetic without any specific reasons. When he changed to his other self, it was the worst. Everything would turn bad in his eyes, he could be either the saddest person in the world or the scariest beast to me. In addition to his bad temper, he still couldn't speak properly, neither could he write nor read because of his brain injury, making it hard for him to express himself and his wants. Some words were starting to form though, thanks to the speech therapist, but it was just sometimes not enough for me to understand him. Whenever I failed to figure out what he meant, he would get angry, more often at himself than at me. At times he wouldn't hesitate throwing things out of his rage, at the walls, the maids, even at me. I would have to hide when it happened. The first time he did that, I did try to stop him, but in the end I had my temple bleeding as the result. I hated it when that monster awakened inside him. I was trying to get used to his rage, I was okay with him hitting me, but then I would still feel the worst when he started to cry.


All of this was not only making me suffer mentally and physically, but it was also torturing himself. Feeling insecure most of the time, not able to control himself, held back by too many of his disabilities; with his bipolar and anxiety disorders as the toppings, he could put his own life in danger any second. That was why I tried my best to keep an eye on him all the time.


Although I was told not to, sometimes I still couldn't help but blame myself for all of this. Especially when I was caught off guard and let something bad happen to him; I felt like the worst person ever lived. It really did happen a few times.


Doctor Kim told me that I got to pay more attention to Sehun. Once he got his head bumped for the second time, even just a soft bump, the impact on him could be deadly. I would get ridiculously worried to death each time little things happened to his precious head. Once in a while, out of the blue he would clutch his head and begin to whimper, complaining that it hurt. According to Doctor Kim, it was a common outcome of a brain injury, called Post-Concussion Headaches. Since there was no medication that could fix the damage completely, antidepressant was the only help to ease the torture.


But again, sometimes, it was just still not enough. He’d rather find another alternative to get out of it; not only the pain, but also the mental pressure.

One chilly morning, I woke up to find Sehun still sleeping soundly next to me. It had been weeks by then, I had been greeted by this same sight of perfection first thing in the morning every day. Only when he was asleep I could stare at him to my heart’s content, admiring every perfect little features of his face. Only when he was asleep I could see the old Sehun in him, feel so close to him, even though there was still an invisible barrier between us. Well maybe there was one, in form of Pinku Pinku, who was laid comfortably between us. This handsome face of his always got me captivated, having the same effect on me every morning; first I was mesmerized, and then eventually the same uncomfortable tugging, longing feeling will arise inside my chest. I would feel the urge to hug and kiss him. Sometimes I really did, sometimes I held myself back. I reminded myself that in this one body, there were two Sehuns. I had to wait and see which Sehun would wake up first; just then I could decide what would be my next action.


Snuggling closer to him, I brushed his bangs aside gently and held his hand that was laid on the pillow, intertwining our fingers together. A shy smile found its way to my lips; although his slightly bigger hand felt so fragile and weak then, the spark it created inside me was still the same. His parted lips then closed as his eyes fluttered open and blinked sleepily. His gaze fell on our hands and I held my breath involuntarily, waiting for his next reaction. When he broke the contact and retracted his hand, I thought he would push me away, but then a wave of emotions flooded me as he covered me in his embrace.


“H…Hyung.” For a moment I was locked in a dazed state, being cuddled by this big baby like a doll or his pillow. The tingling happy feeling eventually brought a face-splitting shy grin to my face.


“Sehunnie! Good morning, baby~” Giggling, I wrapped my limbs around him and placed a kiss on his cheek, taking my turn to put him in the same dazed state. Clearly, even after weeks had passed, he was still not used to my kisses. I couldn’t be happier when he ended up smiling at me. A genuine smile, sweet, as sweet as honey.


That morning I got the Sehun that I had been expecting. I hoped he wouldn’t change too soon.


We both sat up and stretched a little. Doing our morning ritual, I took his hand and put it on my chest. I said slowly and clearly, “Luhan,” and then moved his hand to his own chest, “Sehun.” I repeated that again a few times. On the fourth time, I put his hand back on my chest and gave him an encouraging look as I asked, “What’s my name again?”


Looking as doubtful as ever, Sehun muttered hesitantly, “H…Hyung?”


“Mmm, nope, try again.” Ever so patiently I repeated the same gesture; pressed his palm on my chest and said “Luhan,” and then moved it to his own and said “Sehun.”


“Can you repeat it, baby? Come on, you can do it. It’s okay, I won’t get mad if you do it wrong.”


With a sad pout on his face, he put his hand on my chest and stuttered, “S…Seh…hun,” and then pressed his own chest, “L-Lu…han.”


He looked so confused. It always happened that way; if he didn’t call me “hyung”, he would get our names switched. He’d say I was “Sehun” and he was “Luhan”, no matter how many times I tried to correct him. At first he was unsure, but then he became persistent to keep his answer that way, as if I were the wrong one. In the end I gave up trying, putting my attempt that day to an end with a long sigh. I could try again later.


Tugging the hem of his pajama shirt, I flashed a mischievous smile and wiggled my eyebrows. “Sehun-ah, let’s have a shower, shall we?"


His shy smile wasn’t left unnoticed by me even though he tried to hold it. “Uhm.” To him, shower time had become a happy time. Why? Well…


Squirrrtt!


“Sehun-ah, stop it, it tickles!”


“Kkkh… Eh… Ehehe~”


Seated on a plastic chair, the fascinated Sehun watched me spin around back and forth to avoid the water gushing from the big water gun in his hands. He intentionally directed it at my lower part – yes, he was still the same naughty brat – and wouldn’t stop no matter how much I squealed for him to stop. It was no use to turn around, he giggled even more when the water hit my buttcheeks. When the gun ran out of water, he refilled it and continued to shoot me again, all the while I worked on cleaning him from head to toe. I gave him a rubber duck that he named Duckie to distract him, which worked quite well; he stopped shooting me and started to fill the bathroom with the continuous, obnoxious squeaking sound of the duck.


“Duck… Duckie~” Sehun pressed the rubber duck’s mouth on my cheek and giggled to himself. He was acting so adorably, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. I ruffled his wet hair as I sprayed him on the face, making him gasp for air.


“Ummph! U-Ung!” When the water stopped, his lips curved into a funny upside-down “U” as the water dripped from the tips of his hair. Giggling merrily, I enveloped him with a fluffy big white towel from behind, encircled my arms around his shoulders and gave a kiss on his cheek. His pout slowly transformed into a timid smile.


Moments later, I found myself at the dining table, teaching Sehun how to use a spoon properly. I could say he was a pretty good learner, although sometimes he could be a tad bit impatient.


“Sehun-ah, you’re holding it upside down. Yes, that’s right, good boy! Now get the soup into it.” I held his awkward hand and directed it to the bowl of soup in front of him. As he focused on it, his eyebrows met in the middle, as if using a spoon were a very hard task to do. After creating a rather big puddle of soup on the table, he finally managed to put it into his mouth clumsily.


“Wah~ My Sehunnie is really smart!” I cheered and applauded him for that. Getting a pat on the head, his eyes curved adorably and the tip of his ears turned somewhat red. I grabbed a tissue and gently wiped the excess of soup dripping from the corner of his lips.


Suddenly the spoon slipped off his grip, creating a loud clattering sound against the table. I got a sudden panic attack as he clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut, whining and whimpering in pain; a possible sign that he would probably turn into another “Sehun” soon.


“H-Hurt… Hurt,” he squirmed in his seat and tried to get up. “P...pill… H…yung.”


I pulled him back to a proper sitting position and stood up immediately. “No, no no no, Sehun-ah, stay here, I’ll go get the pill for you! Don’t move, stay, don’t touch anything!”


I ran to my room and rummaged through the bedside table’s drawer. In my panic state, it was so hard to think straight and find the right pill among that many medicines. I practically flinched and dropped everything off my hands when I heard a loud crashing sound from afar, followed by Sehun’s sobs breaking in the air. Just then did I spot the right pills in the pile of medicines on the floor; I snatched it and dashed back to the dining room, just to find a horrible mess that Sehun had created in just a minute.


There were scattered pieces of glass and porcelain bowl mixed together on the floor, surrounded by puddles of water and soup that had splattered to all directions. What brought horror to my pale face was those drips of red; as my eyes followed its trail to the corner of the room, my heart rate increased until my scream finally exploded. There, curling into a ball, Sehun was holding a bloody big piece of glass in his hand, cutting his own left wrist with it while sobbing hard. I scrambled to him at that instant and snatched the broken glass piece from his hand, tossed it away out of his reach. I myself had my face flooded with tears. He began to shower me with punches here and there, muttering “Die, die” repeatedly. He made it to create a bruise on my cheek. I thought he wanted me to die, but as I dragged him to the sink and held him up, washed his blood and opened wound with the running water, his words became a little bit clearer.


While squealing and shrieking in pain, he kept saying, “D-Die… w…want… die… H-Hyung, k-kill… me…!”


I froze for a brief moment before snapping at him, “No, shut up! What are you thinking, Oh Sehun?? Trying to put yourself to an end? There’s no way I’m going to let that happen, no!” I tied a napkin around his wrist hard to stop his blood from coming out, shoved some antidepressant pills into his mouth and dragged him all the way out of the house. I got my car key and off we went to the hospital.


Although the medicine was starting to do its job, I couldn’t stop crying along the way. I took Sehun’s limp hand, kissed it and rubbed circles on it with my thumb to soothe him down. He was crying silently next to me, emptily gazing out of the window. He made me think, Why did this have to happen? Whose fault is this? Is it because of me again? Apparently all bad things that had happened and would happen to him just had to be my fault. I was careless enough to put him in danger.


After getting his wound stitched up, he spent the rest of the day being all grumpy and petulant. I had to take him to the therapists for some appointments later that day, yes, he acted out. Thankfully those people who had to handle him were all really patient, although that day he didn’t make any meaningful progress. Back at home, with one of the therapists' advice, I gave him a sleeping pill to let him rest.


I got really sad and melancholic for the rest of that day. At night in the living room, while I was lamenting for my life that had gone wrong, coincidentally I got a text message from my old friend Minseok. It had been a while he hadn't tex