That day, after finding Sehun's diary, I rushed back to the hospital carrying his old suitcase from the day of the accident. I showed him all the stuff in there, his clothes, his diary. I was determined to bring back the rest of his lost memory. Why? Because I didn't want to have any more unresolved problems between us, because I wanted us to step forward, and therefore everything between us had to be clear.


So he also had to remember about that accident.


It had a big risk, I acknowledged, he might hate me all over again, but I just hoped he'd have enough mercy to forgive me. This was the only way, it was all or nothing.


"Sehun-ah, look, do you remember these clothes? You wore them a day before your accident. You accompanied me and Mom buy my new suit, you picked a white one for me. And for the rest of the day you waited for me at the bubble tea shop, but... But I forgot that you were waiting for me. Sorry about that."


A deep frown slowly formed on Sehun's face as he took the pieces of clothes one by one and examined them.


He shook his head, "N-No... c-can't re...mem...b-ber."


I sighed and took his hand. "Then... What can you remember?" I was certain that his memory had strengthened with the time, yet I wasn't sure at which point it stopped. I tried to guess, "Do you... Do you remember this?" I traced his finger on the small scar under my bottom lip, "Can you remember how I got this?"


Sehun seemed stupefied, but then he bowed his head and mumbled shyly, "H-Hyung... s-saved m...me. F-From... b-bully."


"Ah, that's right," I perked up, "You can remember that far!" Then that meant his memory had expanded quite a lot. Months before, he couldn't remember until that point.


I tried again, "Do you remember when we went to Kris' new house? Us and our friends, we gathered and spent three days and two nights there. Can you remember?"


Once again he furrowed his eyebrows as he found it harder to recall the event. I described more, "It was winter, a day after the New Year. At the first night, we got to sleep on the mats in the living room with Minseok and Chenchen, but on the second day we both got separated rooms. Me with Kyungie, you with Kris. We went to the market together and bought hotteok, we had a barbecue party, played Truth or Dare and had yaja time, you told me to do things and called me pet names."


His frown slowly disappeared and his eyes rounded. Noticing that, I continued vigorously, "W-We also played soccer ball together in the snow! We had a snowball fight, some of us slipped into the pool, and in the end we all got into the pool! Because of that some of us got sick, but we didn't. Can you remember? Can you?"


He straightened his back and gawked at me. "I-I... r-remem...b-ber!" of all moments, he described to me, "I... saw h-hyung... sit w-with Min...seok h-hyung... p-pool."


I paled slightly; I hadn't known he had seen me with Minseok back then, I had assumed that he had gone to sleep. That most likely meant that he had seen us-


"H-Hyung... k-kissed." My heart sank to my stomach. All of a sudden his face dropped and he became all sad and pouty. I hadn't even reached the main part yet, but he was already that sad.


But I had to continue, so while holding him in my arms I asked again hesitantly, "Do you... remember about my... engagement plan?" he glanced at me and slightly stuck out his bottom lip. "It's... I told you right after we went home from Kris' house."


He averted his gaze and nodded slowly. "B-But... h-hyung is m...my... b-boy...friend. H-Hyung... c-can't get en...g-gaged." His breath eventually became rushed as his fury raised to his head, making his face somewhat red. He turned his head back to me with a rather pissed off look on his face, but before he could say anything, I locked our lips together in a kiss and didn't let go until he was calm again. Only I hadn't expected to see some tears when I pulled away.


"No... No, baby, please don't cry," I cupped his face in my hands and wiped his tears away and kissed his nose, "no one is going to be engaged, alright? I'm not going to be engaged with Minseok. He's Chenchen's boyfriend now, remember?" Sehun seemed utterly confused, so I kept him in my embrace and let him take his time to digest my words in his imperfect brain.


"...N-No?" I felt his arms tighten around me. "H-Hyung c-can...celed it? B-But... M-Mom? D-Dad?"


I sighed, slowly running my hand up and down his broad back. "You know they're gone now, Sehunnie. It's... It's the accident that took them away."


He really did seem to be trying hard to get a scene of accident to pop out in his head, but failed to do so. "W-What ac...acci...d-dent? C-Can't remem...b-ber!" Sehun pulled away from me and clutched his head. It seemed like a chaos was taking place in there, his old and new memory were mixed up.


"Slowly, Sehunnie, it's okay." I pulled him back closer and put his head on my shoulder. After his hurried breath had become constant again, I continued, "Actually that day I didn't cancel it. Minseok and I was getting ready for the party. We stayed at a hotel, booked three rooms in a row with connecting doors." I paused a bit to remember the details, "You had your own room, it was in the middle. On the left side of your room was Mom and Dad's room, and on the right was Minseok and I's room."


I tried to describe the scenes with as many details as I could remember, hoping that the picture would form in his mind. Every once in a while I paused to give him a break, observed his facial expression before continuing again. "At night I came to your room and waited there until you finished showering. You looked so handsome and manly with your wet brown hair and a towel draped on it. Umm, we talked for a bit, I... told you that I was still a and wasn't going to do anything with Minseok, then suddenly I wanted to kiss your lips but in the end I kissed your cheek and then ran away." I secretly pouted to myself realizing how much I had acted like a girl back then. "In the morning, when I woke up, I looked for you but Mom told me that you had already left with Dad, going back home to get your bike so you could go to your campus. You used to go to the campus riding your bike. You had a white bike. But, umm, well... it's gone now, got crashed when the accident happened."


"B-Bike... I r-remem...b-ber... bike," he muttered more like to himself, "Bike... D-Dad... C-Cam...pus." His eyeballs wouldn't stop moving restlessly, his muscles tensed up and his pupils dilated as small patches of memory started to appear in his head. I knew the lost memory was then back again, it was there, deep in the back of his head, he just had to struggle a little bit more to dig it until he reached that part.


"C-Class... J-Jong...in, s-score, ru...ler," he kept on stuttering more clues, more patches that appeared in his head, while I was trying to gather them and plot a possible scene out of them. I waited for more of his words with beads of sweat trickling down my forehead and my hands balled into fists, feeling like I were about to explode any second; he was that close, he could almost remember, but he wasn't there yet.


"Jongin got a bad score? Jongin borrowed a ruler?" I tried to guess and he shook his head vigorously.


Suddenly he froze and squeezed my hand as he began to stammer again with wide eyes, "J-Jong...in... w-wouldn't stop... t-talk in c...class, I-I told h-him... to s-shut... up b-be...cause his s-score... b-bad, he s-shouted and... a-and lec...turer p-punished him, s...slapped h-his hand... w-with r-ru...ler!"


I wasn't sure if that event had happened on the right day or if it was a very old event that had happened long ago, but at least he could remember something new, so I exclaimed "Yes!" and hugged him tight. He squeezed my hand even harder, as if he'd lose all the faint memory that was appearing in his head if he let go of me.


"I r-rode bi...bike.... c-coffee shop, wa...wanted t-to go with h-hyung... L-Looked for hyung, b-but... r-room was e-emp...ty. I p-pooped in h-hyung's b-bath...room, th...then hyung c-came. W-With Min...seok h-hyung. I h-heard... hyung mo...moan, b-but then M-Minseok h...hyung's phone... r-rang."


I was surprised, no, it was beyond shocking to me, I had never known that he had hidden there in the bathroom. I had thought that he had only seen us almost have , but no he had been there longer than I had known. He had heard everything and I had found about it just then, after more than a year had passed. The guilt that was gnawing inside me was unbearable.


And then I realized, that was it, everything was about to be revealed in his eyes and what I would get was only his rage for sure. I was dead meat.


By then Sehun's face had turned red and furious. He had tears in his eyes, just like me, only my tears had been spilling endlessly. I clamped my hand over my mouth and tried to stop all the water from coming out but to no avail.


"I-I d...don't want... t-to remem...ber... a-anymore." Sehun struggled to push me off of him, yet I hugged him even harder instead, sticking on him like a glue. "G-Get off... of m-me."


"No," I sobbed, "please, please give me a chance. I'm so sorry."


He gave up and turned his head away to hide his tears. "I h-hate... you."


It was too late, I had started it, there was no turning back. I had no choice but to continue.


"T-That time I had just finished checking my party preparation with Minseok," I explained with my trembling voice, "Mom and Dad had left to get their clothes at home. I was so... I was in heat at the moment, I dragged Minseok back to our room so we could shower together and... and m-make love after that."


Sehun began to pant slightly, his shoulders rising and falling, as his breath eventually became rushed. "N-No," he fought weakly against my tight embrace, "d-don't... want to... h-hear."


"Minseok and I showered together-"


"No."


"-and then got to the bed with towels only. We took them off-"


"N-No! S...Stop!" Sehun covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. It hurt to see him like that, I really did want to stop, but then I reminded myself once again that we had to sort things out.


"...We began to grind on each other, and... m-maybe you heard the noises, so you came... You saw what we were doing and you got mad. I regretted what I was doing that instant, I knew it was wrong. I left Minseok and put on my clothes, you grabbed your bag and wanted to leave, but I stopped you. You said you were just going to the coffee shop, but I was too scared to let go of you- I cried and hugged you tight, but you pushed me down twice, you ran away and... and I failed to catch you."


By then I was already sobbing hard and my body was trembling against his. He too was crying, starting to act physically he balled his hand and slammed his fist onto my back, telling me to stop and let go of him. But I didn't listen to him.


"I chased you until we reached the lobby. When I got out of the elevator, I saw you run out of the building. I ran towards you as fast as I could, I couldn't think of anything, I just wanted to catch you and apologize to you and bring you back to our room. I... I even ignored the busy road in front of the hotel. I saw you walk across and pick your bike near the coffee shop, I thought I had to run faster before you could leave. But... But instead of leaving, with your bike you came back to me. I was- I was just so stupid, I thought you were giving me another chance, but no you were saving my life!" I wailed recalling the horrible image, "You pushed me back out of the street, but right after that a truck dashed and h-hit you hard, you were thrown away right before my eyes. At... At the same time, coincidentally Dad's car came from the junction next to the hotel's building and you... you c-crashed onto it."


Sehun's face was filled with horror as I told about the rest of what had happened to our parents. He seemed to be having a fight with himself, whether he should believe my horrible story or not. But in the end, as I assured him that it all was true, suddenly he shouted and pushed me away with all his strength. I lost my grip on him, but then managed to wrap my arms around him again, just to make his anger raise to the top of his head.


"Let...g-go!" He grabbed a handful of my hair, yanked my head backward and tossed me away as hard as he could. This time he made it to make me fall of the bed. Losing my balance, I fell hard onto my with my legs sprawled open. I looked up at him with my teary eyes, my lips quivering as I felt my head and my hurt because of the throbbing pain.


"G-Go away!" he shouted at me angrily, his tears endlessly streaming down his face.


Sobbing, slowly I got up on my knees in a kneeling position next to his bed, my head hanging low.


"I'm sorry," I hiccupped a little, "I've learnt my lesson. I shouldn't have opened my heart to Minseok, I didn't love him that way in the first place. I should have known… that you were my only true love. Because of my foolishness you had to suffer so much. I'm so sorry, Sehun-ah. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have left you." My shuddering body collapsed forward, relying on my fists that were balled against the floor as the only support. Under my blurry gaze I saw my own tears fall from the tips of my nose and my chin, splashing onto the white tiles beneath me. Breathing hard through my parted lips, I gulped down the thick lump in my throat and closed my eyes as I slowly gathered all my courage, remembering the determination that had formed inside my heart.


I reminded myself that it was not the time to punish and blame myself anymore, because with that I wouldn't go anywhere. I believed it was the time to prove my words, to act my love out. But to do so, I needed his forgiveness first to start it all over again.


"...Sehun-ah. I may be the worst bastard that you've ever met in your life, I may have hurt you way too much that now you hate me with all your heart, I may be so disgusting in your eyes, more disgusting than poop. But... But now after I looked back at what we've been through, after your diary gave me a slap on the face, I guess my eyes are opened and now I know where my mistake was. I shouldn't have left you, that's the only thing I regret. But now there's no one between us, there's no Minseok, there's no Tao, no one I promise you. I swear. It's only you and me, I'm all yours. Now that we're together again... Umm, I hope we're still togeher right now, I- I beg for your forgiveness." I raised my heavy head and Sehun averted his gaze away immediately. He didn't even want to look at me.


Although a bit scared, I crawled closer to his bed and looked up with pleading puppy eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sehun-ah. I love you so much. Not… Not only with all my heart, but also with all I have in me. It will never change no matter how many times you push me away. I know what I did was unforgivable, I'll never be able to pay for it, but you... You're the only love of my life, what will I be if you keep hating me for the rest of my life? Will you forgive me? Please? Please, I'm begging you."


Still not looking at me, Sehun crossed his arms and snorted, coldly mumbling, "Sh...Shut u-up." It still hurt a little.


I crawled even closer and reached for his hand. "Sehun-ah, please-"


"No," he swatted my hand away, "Y-You... You ch...cheated."


Technically I hadn't cheated on him, since we had broken up back then, but yes, yes he was right, my heart had cheated on him. My heart had always belonged to him.


"...Yes, I did," I admitted sadly, "I was bad."


"Y-You left... m-me."


"Yes. I'm sorry."


"Y-You... w-will le...leave m-me... again."


But no, I couldn't agree with that one. "No! No, that's not true! I'm here for you, I've been there even though you've beaten me up many times, I have no more pride to you, and now I'm still madly in love with you. Isn't that enough to prove my words?" I sighed in frustration, groaned and slid my hand down my face.


Maybe I should just get to the point, I thought. And then suddenly my heart raced and I became very nervous.


"Sehun-ah, listen to me," I cleared my throat and wiped away the excess of my tears, fixed my kneeling position and locked my gaze on my fidgeting fingers.


"N-No."


I continued anyway. "Look, now, I promise I will never leave you alone. You can hate me all you want if I break this one, you can even hunt me down and find me and then put my life to an end if I dare to leave you. Well yeah this sounds quite extreme, but I really mean it, because I'm not going to break it anyway. I, umm... I... I'm going to stay by your side forever. That's why... I..."


Maybe I sounded like a dying old man uttering his last message to his grandson while slowly losing his breath, so Sehun decided to spare me a glance. I raised my head at that instant, and as soon as our eyes met, a teardrop fell from the corner of my eye.


"I... I w-want... to marry you. Oh Sehun."


"..."


He just gawked at me. I had never been that nervous before, we only stared at each other in awkward silence. I was secretly hoping that he wouldn't shout at me all of a sudden and shoo me away, or worse, laugh at my face that most likely looked pretty awful at the moment. It was rosy red and hot, with tears staining my slightly puffed out cheeks. I was desperately, mentally screaming for him to say at least a word that I didn't realize my eyebrows had crinkled a little and my bottom lip was jutted out ever so slightly.


But after what seemed like forever, hesitantly he opened his arms to me and I didn't even think twice to get up and throw myself into his embrace. He hugged me, I was so relieved I bawled like a baby. He my hair that he had pulled harshly earlier, gently rocked me back and forth, while he himself was crying silently. Softly he kissed my cheek and held my head on his shoulder.


"I...I'm s-sorry... t-too," he whispered, "I... l-love y...you. L-Lu...hannie."


To me, the greatest gift that one could get was being forgiven for all wrongs that one had done.

After I had told Sehun everything related to his accident, I had expected him to obtain all his old memory back completely, but unfortunately he still couldn’t remember how exactly it had happened. The latest scene that he could recall was only when he had hidden in the bathroom. I decided to stop pushing him after that, at least I had told him all the details and I couldn’t be more relieved that I had let it all out. His memory would strengthen more by itself, I’d just let time do the job.


Sehun was rather surprised the first time he saw his diary in my hands. All along he had remembered that he had had a diary, but he had never mentioned anything about it to me. He had assumed that the book was gone too, so he was really happy to see it again, he hugged it like it were his long lost precious treasure. It was so unfortunate that he still couldn’t read and write properly. I told him that he had to work harder in his therapies, so he’d be able to write again and fill the rest of the blank papers in his diary until the end. It gave him a new spirit.


I did show him the picture stuck on the very last page of his diary, and he too could remember it, recognize it the second his eyes fell on it. That was the picture that had always appeared in his head each time I taught him to say our names. I explained to him that the names in the stick men’s hearts weren’t our own names, they got switched; my name in his heart, and his in mine. He could finally understand after I had repeated my explanation slowly and clearly several times. In result, then he was learning to call me by own name. Sometimes he forgot about it though, he still called me “hyung” or got our names switched again, but he was doing pretty well in improving his ability to learn about new things. He made me so happy just by stuttering out my name, I had to grin and giggle and sometimes blush each time he called me. He always mentioned it in the gentlest way with his voice that was bathed in love and affection.


I thought I should consider myself lucky for having Oh Sehun as the love of my life. Inside of him, there was the most forgiving heart that one could find. I still couldn’t believe that he was giving me another chance after everything that I had done to him. He didn’t forgive me that easily though, he got to threaten me a little before letting me see his sweet smile that I missed the most.


“L-Lu… If y-you leave, th..then I’ll do… wh-what you s…said. I wi…will hunt y-you d…down and f-find you… a-and then f-finish y…you up.”


I had to gulp because of that, judging from his face, he really meant what he said. But I agreed anyway.


What about my proposal to him? Well…


Since I hadn’t proposed to him properly, I decided to do it one more time.


After he had gotten out of the hospital, I asked him to go out and find a decent place for a romantic marriage proposal, but strangely he refused to go out of the house if it wasn’t to see his therapists. After a week he had been acting like that, I started to think that maybe he had changed his mind, maybe he didn’t want to marry me after all. I did get sad and disappointed because of my own assumptions, but at the same time tried to understand as well. Maybe he wasn’t ready for marriage, he was only twenty two, while I was an old rotten tomato that was turning twenty seven in four months. His young soul still wanted to be free, while the grandpa side of me couldn’t wait to have some grandchildren.


While I was busy lamenting over this sad truth, one cold day in December Sehun asked me to go get some bubble tea. It had been a while we hadn’t gone out on a bubble tea date, so I agreed to take him out. He looked exceptionally happy when he got his favorite drink, chocolate bubble tea, but I was still kind of sad. I on my taro bubble tea and chewed the tapioca balls lethargically, looking rather depressed like a man after being dumped by his love. Only I wasn’t actually dumped by Sehun.


“L-Lu…hannie, let’s… g-go to the… pa…park.”


“Oh? Park? Sure.” I brought him to the park near the bubble tea shop that we had gone to countless times. I started to get a little suspicious when he took control over his wheelchair, speeding it up a little so he was several steps in front of me. He turned his head back, smiled sweetly at me and continued to lead our way.


I was somewhat confused, but as we went farther around the rather big park, I started to enjoy the soothing atmosphere around us. The sun was on its way back to its slumber and the twilight sky was a very pleasant view to watch, its pink and orange hue contrasting to the white snow filling our field of vision. The leafless trees on the left and right side of the pathways got me so captivated, mesmerized by how pretty the park was in winter. I noticed that some of those trees had some wires with colorful twinkling tiny light bulbs swirling around their trunks and thin branches, making the sight even prettier. But weird, when I looked around, most of the other trees didn’t have any lights on them. Hadn’t they finished decorating the park for Christmas?


As Sehun led me farther, I found more strange-but-cute things around me; some pink and white heart-shaped balloons sticking to the trees, tiny white flowers decorating the unoccupied benches, and a small wooden table in the middle of the pathway. Sehun stopped his wheelchair next to the table and motioned me to come closer. As I took a few steps forward, my eyes rounded finding the kinds of things on the table; by then I was sure enough it all was his plan. He hadn’t even done anything, but I had become a tad bit emotional.


Smiling softly, Sehun took one of my hands and turned it, so my palm was facing up. I gave him a questioning look when he took some tiny dead flowers from the table and put them in my hand. I thought he wanted me to keep them, so I balled my hand. Chuckling, he shook his head and opened my hand again, glanced up at me and made a blowing motion.


“Blow?” I raised my eyebrows, “You want me to blow them away?” He nodded and flashed an eye smile that made me mentally squeal. I wondered why he hadn’t said anything. Despite not understanding what he was trying to do, I lifted my palm up, closer to my mouth and softly blew the flowers. I watched as they flew away, carried by the chilly winter breeze; some falling to the ground, some disappearing into the air. While I was staring at those that were swirling in the air, I felt Sehun slip something into my hand, and when I looked down, I found a small piece of paper in my grip.


“Those dead flowers are like our sad times in the past. Let the wind blow them away.”


Just with that I got some happy tears welling in my eyes, but he hadn’t finished yet. It wasn’t his handwriting, by the way, it was typed and printed.


The second thing that he took from the table was a bright yellow daisy. This time he motioned me to bend down. I thought he was about to whisper something or maybe give me a kiss, turned out he tucked the flower’s stem behind my ear. For a moment I was dazed, and then I grinned shyly to myself. I felt like a girl.


Sehun took another small piece of paper and flipped it, revealing another line of texts on it. He put it in my hand and let me read it.


”Forget the past, cheer up and smile from now on! Your smile is much brighter and prettier than that flower, makes you look so lovely. Let people see you shine.”


My cheeks muscles were getting sore from all the grinning. They felt warm despite of the cold air. Sehun grabbed a plastic bag that was laid on the table and shoved his hand into it, and then pulled it back out holding a pair of fluffy pink gloves. I laughed bashfully when he tried to put them on my unclothed hands. I noticed that one of the gloves had another small paper sticking on the palm.


”My hands may not be able to hold yours all the time, so let these gloves keep you warm! They’re pink because they look sweet and cute, just like you. And your cheeks too!”


“Aish,” I giggled shyly and cupped my flushed cheek in my gloved hand, “I’m not cute. But it’s okay, a manly man will still look manly even in pink.”


Sehun laughed lightly and shook his head in disapproval, making me pout a little. He then put both of his hands into the plastic bag in his lap, and after a brief moment he pulled them out one by one. One of them was empty, but the other one was holding a fake yet beautiful full bloom white rose, his fingers firmly wrapped around the neck.


“Oh gosh, it’s so pretty,” I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands like a lady. But when I was about to take it, he retracted it back and flashed a mischievous smile at me. With his free hand, he took the last piece of paper on the table and handed it to me like a gentleman.


”Let our love be like this fake pretty flower; it will never wither, but stays in full bloom forever. Even though it’s white and pure, it still keeps pleasant surprises along the way, not the hurtful ones because it has no thorns.”


“Aww, my Sehunnie is still as romantic as ever,” I cooed at the paper. But I wondered, pleasant surprises? This time Sehun let me hold the bottom of the flower’s stem, but his hand didn’t let go of it either. The next second, I finally understood what he meant by surprises.