Filming was finally over. We had a dinner party with the staff to celebrate. After a couple of hours, they decided they wanted to take a rest and headed back to the hotel. Yong oppa and I said we’d like to discuss our upcoming comeback and though I knew they all wanted to tease us about it, they just smiled and said goodnight.

We were casually strolling in the streets, hands in our own pockets, when he asked,

“What happened to us, Hyun? How did it turn out this way? What drove you and I apart?”

I was taken aback by his question. I didn’t think he’d ask it so soon. I thought we could ignore this big white elephant for another century or at least until the comeback is over. I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh.

“Life. Careers. Fans. Her.” I didn’t have the guts to look at him as I answered.

“You’re wrong.” By this time, I stopped walking and turned my head to look at him. He had this stern expression on his face and I knew that this conversation wouldn’t turn out pleasantly.

“It wasn’t any of what you mentioned. The answer is none other than YOU.” he accused me.

I wanted to answer in a diplomatic, aloof way, but there are so much pent up feelings inside and I knew that I’ve reached my breaking point. I took another deep breath as a desperate attempt to somehow calm down my nerves, but to no avail.

“Me? Me?! Not any of the reasons I mentioned?! Then let me break it down to you:

CAREER & FANS: We’re idols. We’re marketed as a fan’s perfect imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend. Once it is revealed that we are in a relationship, the fantasy is shattered, fans will cry ‘betrayal’ and there goes all years of training. Gone! Just like that! We can’t do that to our members who worked just as hard as we did to reach our dreams.

HER: No matter how many times you deny it, her name would always be brought up. It’s her that your fans want. It’s her that you met first and I know that if WGM never happened, it’s her you would end up with. You liked her first, Yong. In the eyes of the public and your fans, how does an idol like me compare to an actress like her?

LIFE: this is how it goes. This is it. I don’t know. I don’t know…” any minute now and I’ll be a mess. Wait. I’m already a mess. Cue the waterworks.

He pulled his hair in frustration and looked at me desperately.

“You think I never considered that? You think I don’t know what industry we belong to and how things are? All I’m asking for was a chance, and yet you never gave it to me. We could’ve made it work but you didn’t even want to give us a try. I meant it when I said I’d wait for you. Didn’t you notice I never asked you to be my girlfriend at that time?

I was going to wait until I thought you were ready. Until you tell me yourself that you can handle being in a relationship with me. I didn’t want you to feel burdened. I wouldn’t force you in a relationship that would make you lie to your fans, sneak around, and kept in the shadows. I didn’t want that for you because I know you deserve better. You deserve the best.

All I ever wanted was to hear you say you love me too, but if those words were too much, any other alternative would do…”

The two of us were crying and for once I’m thankful that there aren’t so many people roaming around the area right now. The few who were present were too busy minding their own business. I laughed bitterly before I looked at him again, angry tears streaming down my face.

“It’s true that you never asked me to be your girlfriend. You said that all you wanted was for me to tell you those three words, but even if I did, what then? What would become of us? You said you didn’t want to force me into a relationship that would make me lie to everyone, sneak around, and every complication that went with keeping it all a secret.

So how would you define our status if I did say those words to you back then? For some people, labels don’t matter, but for girls like me, I need those labels. I need a clear definition of who and what we are. We can’t just exchange “I love you’s,” go on secret dates, etcetera etcetera without a proper commitment. It’s either we are or we aren’t.

What’s the alternative that you speak of, oppa? Because as far as I’m concerned, as long as we still actively promote and are a part of this industry, we are bound to its rules whether we like it or not.”

I couldn’t look at him now and this silence was tearing up my heart once more. Before i could think of anything else to say, I heard his voice. I recognized the pain and the state of brokenness he was in.

“You didn’t have to lie to me, Hyun. You didn’t have to tell me I meant nothing to you. You didn’t have to break what’s left of me by calling me a complication you refused to take responsibility for.

You didn’t have to ask me to erase WGM from my memory because doing so would mean that I let go of the once in a lifetime love I found because of that show. I know you were forced to say all that, but just the words “I’m sorry” would’ve been more than enough to break my heart. ”

He looked so lost, desperate, and broken. His eyes pleaded that I put an end to this misery already. What do I do? What do I say? How do I undo my mistake? He wiped his tears and took several deep breaths before he turned around to face me once more. I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I felt him take hold of my hands, his voice quivering and desperate as he said,

“You know the reason the two of us are hurting right now? Because when you told that lie, it wasn’t just my heart you broke, but yours as well. I know you love me too Hyun, and I just want to hear you say the words. Please. That’s all I ever wanted to ask. That’s all I’m asking for right now.”

I looked up at him and this time, I crushed that damn fortress so he could see right through me.

“Oppa…I’m afraid. I can’t. I was threatened and I thought I did what was best for the two of us. That day, that very second, I wanted to say those words to you, but if I did, it meant that I was selfish enough to let those people destroy you and your dreams.

Everything you’ve worked hard for would’ve been gone. Your dongsaengs, my unnies, our agencies…so many people will be affected and I couldn’t do that to them. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. I was young…” I finally broke down and cried.

He gritted his teeth and scratched his head before he looked at me and said,

“You had enough years to grow up, Hyun. You can’t keep using that excuse forever. There were so many ways, alternatives, opportunities, and yet you never took that into consideration. You gave in to the pressure and ran away from me.”

“I was scared oppa! I was confused and I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I thought I was protecting you…” I tried to reason out though I knew that nothing could ever justify my cowardice.

“You did, Hyun, but if you gave me a chance to explain when I reached out to you, you wouldn’t have to go through that on your own. We could’ve protected our love, our dreams, our hopes and our future, TOGETHER.” He emphasized.

“How, oppa? You didn’t exactly tell me how. I was intimidated, scared and confused. I don’t want us to end like every other idol couple did. I’ve seen it happen before and none of those that made their relationship public, lasted more than a year or two. Perhaps you’d argue that my unnies and their namja chingus are still together right now.

You saw what happened with Taeyeon unnie and Baekhyun last year. Ours could’ve been worst. Yes, we had the advantage of gaining fans through WGM, but would that be enough? How can I be sure that things would work out when I’ve seen other idols in similar situations and none of it had a positive outcome?

I was confused oppa. You’re the first guy who meant to me more than I cared to admit and everything about us was overwhelming. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I saw those videos, pictures, the hate mails I got since our WGM was revealed, and then she told me that you once confessed to her and I…” …”

I didn’t get the chance to continue as he smashed his fist on the cold asphalt pavement upon hearing what she told me.

“I never confessed to her!!! I liked her, but that was it. I never said those words to her aside from that drama filming, but that wasn’t me, but the character I was portraying…” once his anger subsided, he looked at me gently, his voice almost inaudible as he said,

“It’ll never be more than that. It’ll never amount to what I feel for you.”

I keep shaking my head as the tears fell when I took the courage to ask him back.

“How was I supposed to know that back then, oppa? She’s right. I’m not the first girl you liked and I’m not the first one you said I love you to. How was I supposed to know what made me different from the rest?” I broke down once more. These questions have haunted me for as long as I’ve known him and I needed to know the answers right here, right now.

“You could’ve just asked me, Hyun, and I’d tell you everything you wanted to know. It hurts because I did everything I can to make you feel that you’re all I ever wanted and could ask for, but it seems like none of these efforts really made an impact. I’m a failure.” He shook his head and didn’t even wipe his tears.

He looked so broken and I wanted to reach out to him and say that it’s okay, but even I am in need of a repair. I’m just as lost and shattered as he is.

“You’re not a failure oppa, it’s me. It’s my fault for having these doubts. I never should’ve