September 2010

Kawagoe, Japan

I don’t know how long the kiss lasted. All I know was that I wanted more when we broke apart. My first real kiss couldn’t be more perfect than it already is. For the first time in a while, reality exceeded my expectations. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and smiled at me gently.

“I love you, Joohyun-ah. Neol saranghaeyo.”

I opened my mouth to speak and I knew that this was the perfect moment to say it back. I wanted to say that I love him too and though I knew he meant it when he said he’d wait for me, there’s this part which urges me to go ahead and take a leap of faith.

However, before the first word came out of my mouth, images of SNSD, CNBLUE, our fans, as well as the outcome of publicized idol relationships (which all ended badly; none of the couples remained friends after the chaos), flashed through my mind so quickly. Not to mention, all those lectures during my trainee days wherein our mentors would constantly remind us to “stay out of trouble” and steer clear of dating scandals for at least the first few years of our debut. My courage shriveled at once and the only thing I said was,

“Thank you oppa…I…I need more time. I promise I won’t take too long to think about it.”

He nodded as he got up to leave to go back to his room.

“That’s ok. I understand. I said I love you because I wanted you to be the first to know. I’ll wait until the day comes that you can say it back to me too. I’m hoping that I’d get to hear it before anyone else. Goodnight, Hyun. Dream of me!”

December 28, 2010

Seoul, South Korea

Our wedding photoshoot has ended. The WGM staff already left but we asked our managers if we could spend a few more hours together. We were walking side by side, when I felt him playfully nudge my shoulder with his. I looked at him and saw this cheeky smile painted on his face.

“Don’t.” I warned him. I knew what he was going to tease me about. He raised his hands in the air and acted innocent.

“Oppa.” I shot him another warning. He shrugged his shoulders and I thought this was the end of it.

“You’re so thankful that you have to give him a kiss on the cheek…” he mimicked the way the photographer spoke when I was tasked to give him that kiss.

I covered my ears and squealed in embarrassment. He’s enjoying this a lot as he even blocked my path so he could do a perfect reenactment of my reaction for that kiss.

“Ne?! Ne?! Ah…ne…eeeeeeunnggggg!” he repeated.

“Oppa! Geumanhaeyo! It’s embarrassing!” I pleaded.

He held his stomach from laughing too much. Once he calmed down, he slung his arm across my shoulder as he said,

“Wae? I can’t believe you’re a great actress Seo Joohyun. Perhaps taking up theater arts in university helped a lot.” He laughed again.

I could feel my face burn. He was teasing me about that cheek kiss and my protests/hesitations oncam since he obviously knew I was just faking it. We shared more than just one kiss since that Kawagoe trip, but not even my unnies, his dongsaengs, or anyone else, knew that. They only heard about the first kiss, but not the rest that followed.

Just as he kept joking around, I remembered that it wasn’t just me who had a kiss scene during that photoshoot. Ha. Time for my revenge.

“What about you oppa? You call that a forehead kiss? Mwoya? I didn’t even feel anything! And what’s with your hesitation, acting like a gentleman, saying sorry, and all that nervousness a while ago?  I find it hard to believe that this choding who didn’t even ask permission before he took my first kiss, acted so shy and embarrassed when the photographer asked him to do the same thing.”

“Yah! I’m not the one who whined about me asking permission before being kissed. Besides, what did you expect me to do? Kiss you like I always do when the cameras aren’t rolling? Your fanboys and unnies will burn me alive. I can’t handle that for now. What if I die because of that and you get depressed which would then lead you to commit suicide? Andwae.”

We both laughed. Time was slipping fast and we knew we had to say goodbye. It’ll be another month or two before we meet again thanks to our busy schedules.

“I love you, Hyun.” He kissed me gently before he let go of my hand. He waited for a couple of minutes and I knew that this was another opportunity for me to say those words back. However, my fears won over once more. He smiled as if he understood me, before he walked away back to his van.

March 14, 2011

White Day

Yongseo couple has officially ‘divorced.’ Never in my life did I think I’d associate White Day with farewell. The staff was long gone but we decided to stay in the park near my dorm for a few more hours. I held on to his hand as tightly as I could when I knew that the time has come for him to go.

“This isn’t goodbye, Joohyun-ah. This is just the beginning. Don’t be sad. I’ll always be here for you as long as you want me to. Always remember that I love you.”

He wiped the tears in my eyes and leaned closer to give me a kiss. I didn’t know what else to say so I tried to convey everything through that kiss.

“Saranghae, Hyun. I’ll wait for you. I’ll always be here. I love you.” he smiled at me gently.

I opened my mouth and once again, I knew I couldn’t waste this opportunity to say it back. This is it. We’re no longer bound by a contract. There aren’t any PDs, writers, or fans to please. We are not obligated to act sweet (not that we faked any of our onscreen interaction; except the kiss) to raise viewer ratings. This time, everything that’s going to be said and done between us is 100% real. No more virtual marriages.

I was really going to say it, but then, her voice echoed in my thoughts.

“You think you’re the first girl he said ‘I love you’ to? He said the same thing to me. All of this will come to past. Unlike you, you’ll never be his first and last. Keep this in mind and save yourself from getting your heart broken. Take this as an advice from a sunbae.”

That was the first time I met her personally and I was appalled to be greeted by such words. Once we were alone, she didn’t make an effort to conceal her dislike towards me.  I used to respect her a lot. She’s a sunbae. She’s his friend. I never once thought ill of her but right now, I’m not so sure.

I don’t think I’ll be able to look and think of her the way I did. That image is long gone. I guess I’ve never been dealt with the harsh truth that an image is really just a concept that’s probably built on lies. A person’s integrity and true character reveals themselves when the cameras aren’t rolling. I should’ve known this but perhaps I really am still naïve because I choose to believe the best in people, always giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I looked at Yong oppa who waited expectantly. I politely smiled as I said,

“Thank you.”

I saw disappointment flash in his eyes but it was gone before I could truly process the image of it in my mind.

“I have to go now. So I guess, I’ll see you soon? Call me whenever you miss me. I love you. Take care.” He kissed my forehead one last time, smiled, and then he walked away.

August 2011

Niigata, Japan

“Hyunnie, are you ready? Yah! Make sure you confess to him before the day ends or I swear I’ll cut down your glorious hair that Yong seobang loves so much!” Sooyoung unnie reminded me.

“Yah, Choi Sooyoung! If you cut maknae’s hair, Jung Yonghwa will never forgive you. You know how that namja is so in love with raking his fingers through Seo Joohyun’s hair.” Hyoyeon unnie reminded.

The rest of my unnies joined me in laughter. They kept teasing me about “Yong seobang” and said they were proud I was finally going to step outside my comfort zone.<