November 2012

“Hyung, you look like crap. It’s been five months. Hyungsoonim will be sad if she sees you like this.” Jungshin said as he tried to drag me out of bed.

To say I’ve been miserable is an understatement. I’m broken. Shattered. Desperate. Confused. Lonely. Still in love with a girl named Seo Joohyun.

“Why does she care? She’s the one who said I meant nothing to her. That I’m a complication in her life that she doesn’t want to exist.” I said bitterly. I immediately crawled inside the sheets and refused to get up. I heard Jonghyun and Minhyuk enter the room.

I could hear their hushed voices as they tried desperately to keep the conversation amongst themselves.

“We have to tell him.” Jonghyun said. They have to tell me what?

“What do you mean, we? You tell him, hyung.” Jungshin replied.

“Are you sure this will help? What if it makes things worse?” Minhyuk asked and I could detect the worry in his voice.

“How can it be worse than this? Look at him! He’s turned into a zombie since his birthday! He has a right to know, hyung. He needs to know why hyungsoonim said those hurtful things. He deserves the truth.” Jungshin added.

The truth? What is it that they’re keeping from me?

“You tell him hyung.” I heard the two maknaes say.

“Why me?! It has to be the three of us!” Jonghyun complained.

“You’re the first one who found out!” Jungshin accused.

“Taeyeon and Jessica were the ones who told me!” Jonghyun defended.

“But you’re the one who really went and confronted sunbaenim about it.” Jungshin continued.

“That’s because I’m the only one who would be civil enough to carry on a conversation with her.  SNSD are overprotective towards each other, let alone, their maknae. What do you think would happen if I let any of Seohyun’s unnies handle that confrontation?” Jonghyun asked.

“And that’s why you’re the one who has to tell Yonghwa hyung about everything we found out and confirmed to be true.” Minhyuk stated.

I sat up at once and immediately locked the door before any of them could go out. I looked at them with a stern expression on my face as I demanded they tell me the truth. Once they were done talking, I felt nothing but rage. My dongsaengs saw the hate and fury in my eyes and I felt them try to restrain me.

“Hyung…” they pleaded.

“Let me go! I have to go see her! I have to know why she did this to me!” I screamed.

“Hyung, please. Don’t do something you’ll regret later on. Please.” They begged me once more.

“I just want to ask her some questions. I won’t do anything to jeopardize CNBLUE or what is left of what I have with Joohyun.” I spoke in the manner that would conceal the anger within me and convince them that I am rational enough to handle what would happen.

With that explanation, they finally let me go.

She was happy to see me but the smile immediately disappeared on her face when she saw my expression. I could sense her fear and nervousness. I reminded myself that she’s a friend, a colleague, and a girl.

“Is it true?” It wasn’t a question. It was more like an accusation.

“Yong, I… Please let me explain…” she started. She tried to reach out and hold my arm but I harshly shook her hand away.

“That’s why I’m here. To listen to your explanation so I could understand how someone I considered as my friend could betray me like this.” I accused.

Tears were streaming down her face but I knew better than to fall for such an act. She kept saying a lot of things such as how she did it to protect me, CNBLUE, and even SNSD. I laughed bitterly as I was able to read between the lines. I put up my hands to stop her from saying anything further. Even the sound of her voice makes my blood boil in anger.

“Why?! How could you?! How could you do that to Hyun? To me?! Don’t give that crap about protecting careers and all that sh*t you think I’d fall for. I’m here for one thing only and that is to know the truth.”

She was sobbing loudly and I felt disgusted when she wrapped her arms around my waist. I tried to untangle myself but she wouldn’t let go.

“I did it because I love you, Yong. I love you. I only fought for what I believe belongs to me. She stole you from me. I know that deep down, you love me too. If it weren’t for WGM, we would’ve been together now.”

I felt my insides churn from hate, fury, and pain. I used up my strength to push her away. She momentarily lost her balance but I didn’t bother helping her up. My face was red from anger and my knuckles turning white from the way I clenched my fists.

“Love? Is this what you call love? You only fought for what you believe belongs to you?” I laughed like a madman. I knew I was scaring her but I don’t care.

“She didn’t steal anything that doesn’t belong to her. It’s HER I gave my heart to, not YOU. It will never be you. I will never be able to love any woman the way I love her. One more thing: I am not and never will be a possession that anyone can easily stake a claim on. I am a person who also has feelings, a man who just wants to love and be loved in return, someone who doesn’t’ deserve being treated like this by his friend.” I retaliated.

This time, I could see anger, frustration, and desperation across her face as she raised her voice and talked back.

“Why, Yong?! What do you see in her? I have everything that she has and even more! I’m the one your fans want. I’m the one who could protect you. I’m the one who did everything just to make sure that CNBLUE’s dreams are kept intact. It’s me that you met first. It’s supposed to be me, and not her.  

Who was it that helped you with your lines when you were a struggling rookie actor? Who was there for you during the time you felt pressured and burdened the most before your band’s debut? Who gave you the support and the encouragement you needed when you were plagued with plagiarism controversy? Who was it that stood by you during the most difficult times of your rookie life?

It was me, Yong. It has always been me. She let you go just like that, whereas I, I’m the one who’s fighting for you. Why, Yong? Why can’t you see that?

With me, you never have to work hard. I can speak banmal whenever you’d ask. I won’t make you write letters, read boring autobiographies and self-improvement books, knit a scarf, and most of all, I won’t let you look like a fool by acting like a choding on national television just to make me laugh and smile.

I love you, Yonghwa-yah. Please. Give me a chance. Give us a chance. ”

I screamed out loud and banged my fist in the wall until it bled. I laughed, cried, and did everything I can to unleash my anger but not direct it towards her. I promised my dongsaengs I wouldn’t do anything I’d regret and even if I am beyond furious with everything she admitted, she was once my friend. Was. Funny how all these years of friendship and camaraderie would come crashing down just because of this.

“You’re asking me why? Then let me tell you. I see everything that I want in her. You can’t possibly have what she has because you’re not her. You think I’m superficial? That I liked, no, that I love her because of her beautiful face, her talents, her charms, and her popularity?

Even if you strip away her title as SNSD’s Seohyun, she’s still the epitome of my ideal woman come to life. Even as Seo Joohyun, she’s still going to capture my heart. In fact, I love her even more whenever she lets me see beyond her idol image. Her imperfections and flaws are what made her even more perfect in my eyes. She’s everything I could ever hope for and more, but because of you, I don’t know if she’ll even give me a chance to still be a part of her life.

With you I never have to work hard? That’s just it. I love