August 2015

Niigata, Japan

I don’t know when, how, and most of all, why. After what happened in Italy, he started to change. At first, all was fine. He’s still the Yong Choding that I love and knew, but when the official comeback came, it was a different story. He was kind, loving, sweet, and cheesy when the cameras are rolling or whenever we’d have an audience. As soon as it was just the two of us, he’d quietly retreat to the corner and do anything except talk to me.

There were instances wherein I’d catch him staring at me with that look that always sweeps me off my feet, but whenever I’d try to about it, he’d suddenly become serious and act all cold. I don’t understand him anymore. I couldn’t read between the lines. I was worried, confused, and distraught. What are we, really?

As the days passed by, he became more and more distant. Panic and fear took control of me. I recognized the signs. I knew what his actions meant. I knew because he became a mirror image of who I was during the time we were apart. He’s giving me the same cold shoulder treatment.

The questions flooded my mind instantly. Did they get to him this time? What did they say? What threat did they come up with? What is it that they’re holding against him for him to act this way towards me? Or, did he finally realize that maybe I really am not a girl worthy of him? Is he letting me get a bitter taste of my own medicine? Because if that’s the case, then isn’t it about time he get the point that I’ve had enough? That instead of being cured of this “lovesickness” he’s inflicted on me, it only makes it so damn worse?

Just when I am slowly but surely opening up my heart to the possibility of a lifetime with Yong oppa, he turned my world upside down with this reversal. Most of the time he’d act all cold and distant, but then there would be times he’d go back to his usual self, tease me and whisper sweet nothings. Perhaps sneak in a kiss or two.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I feel like my heart was wrapped in a rope, with two opposing sides constantly engaged in a push and pull battle. This tug of war, the onslaught of doubts, and these nagging feeling that I might lose him for good is all too much for me to deal with.

I wanted to plan my confession but if history were to repeat itself, I couldn’t take any risks of letting go of the last chance I’d get. If before we were slightly okay, now it’s just a nightmare. He hasn’t talked to me at all for the past two weeks and it’s killing me. Oppa, why? I wanted to ask him that, but whenever I tried, he always finds a reason to cut our conversation short.

Once I was done being dolled up for our duet, I entered our designated waiting room.

I was expecting him to compliment me with his cheesy lines, look at me as if I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, and steal several kisses as he’d whisper how much he loves me. However, he didn’t do any of that. He didn’t do anything at all.

I knew he heard the door open, but he didn’t even bother turning around to see who entered. I tried to get this attention several times but none of my efforts were working. Aegyo in all its humiliating, toe curling glory, trying every possible skinship I could think of, a pickup line, some weird trivia, everything! Nothing was working.

It’s like I don’t even exist. It feels like I’m a soul trapped in the “in between,” trying to reach out to my loved ones just to tell them that I’m right here, beside them, and that I’m well and alive. There’s this huge divide between us and no matter how much I try to get past the barrier, I’m into a different vortex. Loneliness and total oblivion.

The silence is killing me and I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s now or never Seo Joohyun. You have to say something before you lose the chance. Before you lose him forever.

I opened my mouth to speak but just before a word came out of my mouth, we heard a knock on the door.

“Yonghwa, Seohyun, you’re up next! Be there in five minutes, okay?” the stage director reminded us. Yong oppa had this frown on his face as he got up and made his way towards the door.

I immediately got on my feet and slammed my back against the door before he had the chance to reach out to the doorknob. He tried to get past me but I wouldn’t let him.

“We need to get to our places, Seohyun. We can’t let the fans and the staff wait for us. It’s unprofessional and unbecoming for either one of us to be late.” He said coldly.

It wasn’t the tone in his voice that broke me. It was the way he called me by my stage name. It was so formal and distant that I felt that he should’ve added the “sshi” at the end to complete the demolition job. The tears stinging my eyes didn’t hesitate to roll down my cheeks.

I’ve seen this tactic before. I know how this might end. I know because it used to be me playing the role he’s so into right now. If I thought playing the part of the noble idiot in love was beyond what my broken heart could compre