2014

CNBLUE’s Dorm

“YAH! Jung Yonghwa! What is with these articles?!” a scream greeted me on the other line.

“You denied her in public! How could you?!” Sunny asked me.

“I didn’t deny her. I denied dating her because that’s the truth. Yah! Why are you all scolding me when you’re the ones who texted everything that I should say in all my interviews?!” I asked back.

“Okay who told him that? Which one of you is it? Speak up!” I could hear Taeyeon’s loud voice. Denials came all at once. I heard a man’s voice and instantly recognized it to be Kyungho hyung.

“I’m the one who sent that text. I used Sooyoungie’s phone.” He said proudly. I could hear a round of groans and disapproval from Hyun’s unnies.

“Oppa! How can you give such a lame advice? Did you not learn anything from your mistake?! This denial is going to backfire later on! Like how you once said your GF is a non-celebrity and now look! Those haters say bad stuff about my visuals and keep using that interview against us. Aish!” Sooyoung scolded.

“Ey. I thought you said you want us to be low key about their upcoming project? This will help ward off suspicion.” He explained.

“It won’t! Aigoo. Never mind. What’s done is done.” The eight ladies said.

“Ugh. It makes me so mad that they think they can leave fanfic-esque comments in those articles. Geez.” Yoona commented.

“Jung Yong, can you tell the B and her minions to lay low on the hate comments? It’s gone overboard! They could spazz all they want in their delusional fan forums. Not on articles concerning you, CNBLUE, and Yongseo.” Jessica said.

“I no longer have communication with her and I do not wish to reestablish that just to tell her to back off. It’ll cause a misunderstanding and I don’t want a repeat performance of what happened years ago.

As for the articles, I already asked manager hyung to contact FNC to delete most of it or at least spam it with positive comments.” I explained.

“You’re one step too late. Maknae read all of it already and her eyes are red from crying. Yah! You better make sure she falls in love with you again within the year-long period of your comeback preparation and the promotion itself. If you fail to bring back the smile in her eyes and make her happy, we will hunt you down and strangle your neck!” I heard Tiffany threatened me.

I should feel scared, but I found it amusing. I was about to tell her about those times So Nyuh Shi Dae mistook me for a ert and hit my head with whatever object they got their hands on, those days wherein they barged into CNBLUE’s dressing room just to scold me, as well as those moments wherein they thought I was a girl and hair pulling was a good strategy to get me to work on winning back their maknae’s trust (because I know for certain that her heart is still with me), but another voice on the line beat me to it.

“Now, babe. Calm down. I know you’re upset for seeing your maknae cry, but Yong is doing everything he can to win her back. Just wait a little bit more. They’ll get through this.” Khun hyung said. I am thankful that he’s always the one who got my back.

The rest of them calmed down, gave updates on Joohyun and the project, and what they expected of me. They said there’s no pressure but I can read between the lines. In less than a month or two, all that we have prepared for will set in motion. I can do this. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that Hyun will no longer be afraid to take a chance on us.

June 2014

SM Entertainment

I did my best to act all calm and composed when we entered the room, even if the truth was far from it. I was nervous as hell but I can’t let her know that. I have to act like the professional that I am. But…I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She’s so beautiful. It feels like she dressed up prettily just for me.

“Yong. You might want to try and at least act as if you’re paying attention to what is being said. Stop being so obvious that you’re drooling over her.” I heard my manager whisper.

It was at this moment when I caught her looking at me. I winked at her and smiled. I did that every time our eyes would meet. Her blushing face and that flaring nose is so cute. God, I miss her.

The meeting went on and I could see her getting angrier and confused by the minute. I counted to ten until she raised her hand. Here comes her opposition…

“I’m sorry, hwejangnims, but would you allow me to speak honestly?”

Everyone expected this reaction from her but we did our best to keep a neutral expression. Joohyun was never this outspoken. I knew it took the others by surprise to witness this side of her, especially when she went from being the calm, composed, and professional person that she is, to someone who started to look out for herself. I felt proud and worried at the same time.

I knew that because of our history, she wouldn’t want a repeat of that heartbreak. Hell, even I don’t want it. That’s why I’m going to argue with her until she agrees. I won’t take no for an answer. She knows that. I know that. I can match her stubbornness if I want to. Let the battle between the choding and the stubborn girl begin.

“Are you forgetting the amount of haters we have? To be quite frank, a lot of your fans, absolutely HATE ME. Imagine what damage it’ll do to CNBLUE to have their leader reunite with his “boring, robotic, onscreen fake wife” for a song? What more if they find out we’re going to release an album? It’s going to be a bloodbath between your fandom and mine…”

Boring, robotic, onscreen fake wife? How dare they call her that! I could feel my anger rising but I did my best to forget it and listen to what else she has to say.

“Besides, aren’t YOU dating HER? Her fans would include to the bunch of people who’d attack not only me, but also you when this so-called collaboration pushes through. This project spells nothing but FAILURE and DISASTER right from the start. ”

“I’m not dating HER.” I clarified. I was seething in anger over the journalists/reporters she may have paid to take fake pictures or those ‘fans’ to spread such false rumors.

“Ok whatever. But you DATED HER and her name is always brought up with yours. I don’t know. You’re the one who starred with her in TWO projects. You sent her your song to listen to for your comeback. She’s the one with a reaction video. She’s the one your fans want.

Why don’t you go to her agency and propose this collaboration instead? Perhaps you might get another drama deal too. All the more money! Isn’t that why you’re here? To cash in on whatever’s left of our so-called WGM legacy?”

I couldn’t help but smile. This isn’t SNSD’s Seohyun speaking. This is my Hyun. My Seo Joohyun. My girl. Her jealousy is so evident that I wanted to prance around the room in a happy dance. That’s good enough of a confirmation that she still loves me and cared enough to follow my activities.

I walked over to her and started my explanation. I knew she was melting under my stare and I intended to go for the all-kill when she interrupted me.

“Why? Because SM is more powerful and influential than her company?”

“No. Because SM happens to have this girl named Seohyun signed under them and she also happens to be the one that has the leader of CNBLUE wrapped around her pretty finger.”

I swear I could almost hear the rest of the people in the room gagged with my cheesy line. What? If we didn’t have an audience, I might’ve pinched her cheeks and even kiss her. Now I suddenly wish we were alone.

“I’m just trying to present a much better alternative! Don’t you have any idea how much they hate us?! They even accuse those who support us for being rude and disrespectful during CNBLUE’s concerts. They said it’s immature of our fans to even shout my name during your concerts and that they should just stay out of it and leave their delusional hopes in the fan forums.

I know because my mentions are flooded with hate messages saying I should “leave their precious Yong oppa alone” because according to them, a ”boring and stuck up nerd” like me do not deserve you. ”

Those “fans” have gone overboard. Why would they even flood her SNS account with such comments?

“FNC and my fellow members, do not have an issue with this. This is an expected outcome of joining a show such as We Got Married…” I started to explain.

“Wow. You make it sound as if I’m like a drug’s adverse effect.” She interrupted me again. I knew she was expecting that I’d come back with a witty and perhaps a sarcastic remark to extend this debate, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. It’s like my mind was corrupted with everything I knew about and the only thing that’s occupying it was none other than memories of her. My Seohyun. Seo Joohyun.

I can’t stop staring at her. That blush, the way her forehead creases, how she dare raise her voice as if it’s only the two of us arguing in this room, her cute cheeks, the way her nose is flaring, and that unbelievably irresistible pout. Before I could stop myself, the words were out of my mouth.

“You look even ier when you’re mad. It makes me want to kiss you.”

was ajar and her eyes were nearly popping out of its socket. I can’t believe I just said that out loud! Aish! Jung Yonghwa you pabo! Are you forgetting that you are in the middle of what’s supposed to be a “business” meeting? In front of your respective agencies’ staff and executives as well! This is not a date! AISH!!!

I tried to focus on anywhere else except the crowd. I want to die. It feels like that time when we were in WGM wherein I’d completely forget about the cameras/staff and just blurt out all those lines that have now become a part of our history. I could hear the muffled laughs and from the corner of my eye, I could see some of them curl their hands from what I just said.

I turned back to look at her and it’s a miracle I am able to stay in place. That blush. The way she’s looking at me as if she wants to take me up on my offer or wanting to smash my face instead. She’s so cute. And I’m in love with her. I’ll always be in love with her. I don’t know if it’s possible for a man named Jung Yonghwa to get over someone named Seo Joohyun.

“Psst! Yonghwa!!! Stop drooling at her and convince her to take part of this project! Yah!” I heard Han sajangnim whisper loudly. I quickly tried to think of a response, and thankfully, I was able to recall what she said. The answer came in immediately.

“I am aware of their complaints and such, but it doesn’t really matter. Everyone here agrees that if there’s any disrespectful party, that would be them, and not our fans. Our fans always support us, not just individually, but also our respective groups. Even when I was filming Heartstrings, they sent food support. I didn’t expect that all because of reasons we are both aware of. Those haters? I doubt they’d ever do that.

All they ever do is complain and try to bring everyone else in their misery. I traced their identities too and I found out they rarely even support CNBLUE as a whole. They don’t buy the albums, they don’t watch our concerts.

They don’t have a right to call out names and demand who I work with and not. Just leave them alone. There are a lot of people and investors who confirmed that they would do everything to support and ensure the success of this collaborative effort.” I stated. I knew she couldn’t say anything to refute that because she has yet to recover from my earlier comment. Ha. Take that, Seo Joohyun.

The meeting ended and I knew that the plan was going on smoothly. I called out to her but she ran away from me before I got the chance to get up from my seat.

December 2014

FNC Entertainment

It’s been six months since we started working on this project. She argued with me a lot. I knew it was just a defense mechanism, but there were times I felt frustrated too. Whenever I’d feel down, her unnies and my dongsaengs would remind me of the reason why I shouldn’t give up. Guilt tripping and reverse psychology always work on me.

She handed me an iPod and quickly got out of the room. The first time I heard the song, it felt as if I got my heart broken all over again. I remembered those anonymous late night phone calls. I remembered how I thought it was a sasaeng that I even cursed at them to leave me alone. All along, it was her. My Joohyun.

This is her answer to all those breakup songs I wrote. The lyrics were so beautiful and melancholic. When she came back and asked for my honest opinion, I really didn’t know how to say it. I ended up raising my voice and not even thinking about what I said.

I was surprised when she talked back but I was impressed and happy at the same time because once again, she’s not afraid to tell me what’s going on in her mind. This isn’t how I’d like our progress to happen, but this is a progress nonetheless so I’ll just take it.

“It’s so perfect that I don’t even want to imagine where you drew your emotions from in order to create such a beautiful, yet melancholic song.” I finally answered.

She was speechless and I instantly recognized the questions that are flashing through her eyes. Yes, Hyun, I know. That this song was the one you wrote two years ago when you were forced to let me go. That this was the song that came out from your sadness and pain when you thought I believed your lies. That this song is more or less an expression of your regret and longing over what could’ve been.

I looked at her intently but she bowed her head. I knew she was crying. It breaks me to see her that way. I didn’t know how to reach out to her so I used music, hoping it’ll bridge the gap between us. I took the paper in one hand, placed the other on top of her hand, as I began to sing the song she wrote.

The room was filled with the sound of our voices and all the words left unsaid. We couldn’t continue singing the rest of it. I didn’t want the two of us to break down and cry. I want to be her pillar. I want to give her strength. I began rambling things about album concepts just to neutralize the atmosphere. It was awkward and wasn’t much of a help.

I caught her in a back hug before she was able to open the door. I miss holding her in my arms like this. It’s like my missing puzzle piece finally found her way back to make me whole again.

“Mianhe, Joohyun-ah. Was it me? Did I make you go through such pain? Am I being too conceited to assume that it was I who brought upon the hurt and sadness in your life? On the second thought, don’t tell me. At least let me believe my assumptions so I can take responsibility for all the hurt I caused that resulted to the creation of this song.

Let me shoulder all the blame, so you don’t have to feel like you made any mistake. I’ll take it all. Curse me, hit me, yell at me, anything! I can handle it. Don’t worry about me. All that matters right now and always will be, is YOU.”

I felt a teardrop land on my arm. I tried to get her to look at me but she refused. Once my hold on her loosened, she ran away. I saw the path she took and smiled to myself because I knew about the shortcut. There’s no way she can get out of this building without facing me.

She put on a brave front and asked me to let her go. I didn’t say a word as I walked towards her. I saw her eyes closed and I held her face in my palm. I waited until such time she opened her eyes to meet my gaze. I could feel a tear escape from my left eye as I said,

"The truth is... I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart... and I never really got it back. I don’t think I even want it back. So, if it makes you feel any better, the pain you went through? I experienced it too. It’s just that, mine was hell and I’m still trapped in it. The heartbreak that I went through has become my jail, and even if the key to freedom is dangling right in front of my prison cell, I refuse to walk out until I know for certain that she’s coming back to me.

This girl I gave my heart to, is my home. She’s my paradise. Until the time comes when she’d give me one last chance and stop running away from me, I’ll always be here. I’ll be waiting. I’ll be the man that can’t be moved. So, uh..if you..if you see her..please tell her that I miss her. Not just her, but the real her.

Lastly, please don’t forget to add the part that I love her too. I love her so much and I’m willing to wait as long as it takes. I hope this favor of mine isn’t too much to ask. I just don’t know who else to entrust this with other than you.

So, uhm, I don’t want to keep you from your rehearsal. So I guess this is it for now. See you tomorrow. Good luck on your practice and keep safe always.”

I kissed the top of her head as I walked away from her. I couldn’t let her see me cry. I can’t. I can’t let her think or blame herself from seeing me look so broken. I hid in the corner and watched as she got inside her car. I sent her a text and it was then that I turned around to retreat to my own car.

*This girl I mentioned earlier? The one I gave my heart to and up to now still owns it? I think it’ll be easier for you to find her…all you have to do is to look in the mirror. When you do, please don’t forget about the favor I asked.*

I drove out of the parking lot, but not before I was able to take a glimpse of her tears. I’m sorry, Hyun. I promise that I’ll do my best to never let them hurt you again.

April 2015

New York, USA

We’ve spent the past few hours working on a song. The comeback is drawing near and we were pressured to deliver a title track within twenty four hours. I a lot but she’d always respond negatively.

“You should know by now that your cold shoulder treatment doesn’t really work on me. I know why you’re doing this to us, Hyun and I also know it’s about time you stop trying to keep up the act.” I told her.

“Then why are you being such a choding? If you knew, then all the more reason to keep things between us strictly professional.” She retorted.

“Baby, there’s nothing professional about the two of us since that day we kissed.” I winked at her. She blushed and muttered something under her breath but I also knew she loved it when I called her that.

She started suggesting random cheesy titles and I felt her become comfortable in my presence. She even called me oppa. If only the two princesses weren’t sleeping, I would’ve screamed at the top of my lungs for being overjoyed.

I stared at her as she continued rambling about the most ridiculous song titles I ever heard. Everything about us replayed in my mind. Her smile, her laughter, her pout, the way she kisses me, how she’d blush, her cute way of being angry, and so much more. I’m so blessed to be the first man she allowed to be a part of her life in a significant way that no other guy could ever be. I love her. I love her so much. I can’t imagine her having to share more “firsts” with another guy. Selfish as it may seem, but I just can’t.

I want our first kiss to be her only first kiss. I want our first date to be her only first date. I want our first lover’s quarrel to be her only first lover’s quarrel. I don’t want her to have to go through that process again but with a different guy. I want all of the firsts that we shared to remain the way it is. I want to be the first and only guy she’ll ever be in love with. I want to be her very last first.

“The Very Last First.” My voice was filled with so many emotions, and the love I have for her outweighs them all.

I miss the way she looks at me like this. I tried to convey through my eyes how much I love her. The “eyeship” lasted for a full minute before she looked away. She said something about the title being a perfect fit for a wedding concept but I couldn’t really hear the rest. There were so many things