DAY 36

After I finish The Field of Cries novel, now I know what is the nonsense that I have been through; the dreams, visions, all. I have been counting days since I wrote the quote on that paper; the paper that actually have been sworn by a woman. Its about 64 days left and I still don't know if I'm really dying right now or I can still safe my own life. Even though I have figure out everything, I'm still clueless. "Soojung," my aunty called out my name. I smiled bitterly while she take my hands in her holds. "I'm sorry for everything. Be strong, alright? Come to my house if there is anything, okay?" she said and hug me. "I will be fine aunt. Thanks for coming." I said, release the hug. "Im going first. Take care, Soojung." she said and walked away. "You too, aunt." I said and now the room only fill with air and the joss smell. I arrange my steps towards an altar at the edge of the room. The white flowers surround the big table there with a picture on the table. I bow thrice; giving my mom the last respect and memorial. Im sitting down on the floor while stares at the picture of my mom. I let my tears wet my cheeks. "I never knew it, mom. You might know now that I choose your death. Im so sorry." I said alone and cried out loud. The cold wind fill the altar room that night. Its happening last night. The exact time when I close the last pages of The Field of Cries and right after I was still blank with I what I have figure out there. She called my name with suffocate condition and she told me to be nice and take care. After a few second then, she exhale her last breathe. She died really in peace with easy way but all the pain and the hard thing, is only me that carry it on all.

I could feel vibration inside my pocket. I wipe my tears on my cheeks and take out my phone. Its Joonmyeon. "Hey.." I heard his voice on the phone. I try to hold my tears inside so I can reply him normally but my mouth seems cant let some words outside. "Its okay. You can cry." he said and my tears start to fall back as my loud become more loud. The call end by Joonmyeon. I dont know how to explain what I feel right now. I feel like I need someone beside me but I dont want anyone to be with me right now. I dont mind about the call ended because I bet he know that I need my own time and space to accept this thing. Suddenly I see black shoes beside me. I look at the shoes owner. Joonmyeon. He bow thrice and take his sit beside me. I stop myself from crying out loud but the tears keep falling down. "You know one thing." he said. "What is it?" I asked, slowly. He wipes my tear that wet my cheeks with his thumbs. He lock his gaze while put my hair behind my ear. "Im here is not for nothing. Im here for anything even everything. Be alone when you are totally sad is not a good choice. No matter what situation you are in, be alone is all scaring yet painful. Because you cant handle this all alone, I will be the hand that will pull you out from being alone." he said. "No, you are not even helping me." I said. "Why?" he asked. "You should push me, dont pull me. It will hurt me more." I said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Come inside me, through it with me. Push me from inside. If you pull me, it hurts because you are forcing me without knowing what am I throughing. There, you leave me through it, alone."​ I said and force a smile on my face. I put myself inside his hug, say nothing but the tears keep flowing. I could feel his hand move up and down slowly on my back. "Its okay to cry. No one will laugh when they are losing their parents. I will through it with you. We will escape from it together, okay?" he said. Im nodding on his chest; feel a bit calm and less mess. He lean a kiss on my forehead and tighten his hug. "Joonmyeon," I called him out. "Yes, Soojung?" he replied. "Lets go home.." I said.

Just realize that Im not going back home about three days. I have been spent my whole day with my mom at the hospital. I regret nothing even though I felt like Im just spending like 3 hours. I appreciate all; the laughter, the sadness, the madness, the painful, everything, that I could not even know how to forget it. I have been so mean to my mom as a daughter. I think being with her at the last time of her life is the best thing ever I did in my life. At least its worth. As Joonmyeon stop his car in front the main gate, he asked me as I unlock my seatbelt. "Is Junhee home?" he asked. "Im not sure. She text me yesterday that she went to her hometown. Why?" I said. "When will she comes back then?" he asked again. "Why should I know? And she got no reason to tell me all details. What is wrong with you?" I said, feel annoyed with his question about Junhee. He really can just make a call or what to know details. Junhee just texted me about she went to her hometown and I replied with make sure the house safe before go there. Thats all, nothing more. I dont know whats going on with his head or maybe his brain doesnt function normally. "Look, I know you stressed and messed up enough with everything just happened. It was just questions; Im just worrying about you, being alone tonight, tomorrow. Thats why Im asking you about her. I dont want you to be alone at this moment." he said and it got me speechless. Alright, its my brain that doesnt function normally. Literally, yes, Im all messing up; my mind, myself. I feel lost and got him beside me right now, somehow makes my mess less. "I will be here tonight with you, okay?" he said and I nodded. He get himself out from the car and open my door. We walk inside quietly and I got myself inside my bedroom. I put my bag on the floor and throw myself on the bed.

"Do you want to eat something or wash up before you sleep?" he asked me.

"Its only one thing I wanna do right now." I said.

"What is it?"

"Hearing the beat that comes from you."

He smile and put himself on the bed. He open out his arm as I hug him and my ear searching for his heartbeat. I got no reason why to listening on his heartbeat; I just wanna him beside me all the time. He lean a kiss on my forehead as he tighten his hug on my waist. "Thank you for everything." I said. "Anything for you." he said and I tighten the hug. "Its die too." he suddenly said and I look at him. "What is it?" I asked. He eyed me the table and there, a pot of blue tulip that he gave me. "Ohh, for real, I'm so sorry.." I said. "No, its fine. For real. Mine also dead." he said and he chuckled. I look at him. "Both dead. What do you think then?" I asked, he just smiled away and tighten his hug. "Lets sleep.." he said. I know he is hurting a lot. The flower just like a symbol of our marriage but its dead already. What you thought then? No one will happy then, so do I. It hurts me somehow but I got something in my mind that I hope it only just my feels. According The Field of Cries, what I have through these days, was someone's karma that I have been entrusted to carry it on. I can see someone's death but I cant save their life. I can choose or change the way their dies through my vision and dream; to see their death in abnormal way or normal way. At the end of The Field of Cries, everyone died. What left is only a curse and sworn that looking for someone to entrusted it. Im sure that I will die at the end because Im the entrusted person and I have been sworn; everyone will. I just dont know when will I die. If the 100 days is real, then how am I dying? Can I change or choose my death? Im still not clear about it. I really want to meet the angel now. I know I got no time for everything. I cant just let myself dying even though I know I will die soon. At least I know why Im die. Life is short but my life shorter. Time is ticking but my time is speeding. I believe this is just the beginning, they take mom as I realize everything. I cant except for the ending but this is how Im gonna live my life now.