Title: Three Wishes for a Soul 
Story Link: Read It Here
Genre: Angst | Drama | Romance | Tragedy
Characters: Kim Jongin | Do Kyungsoo
Pairings: KaiSoo

Specific Parts to look out for: Everything xD

Questions: Is the flow good? Grammar?

LIVE review: No 

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Review by Mochi

Specific Parts to look out for: Everything xD

Questions: Is the flow good? Grammar?

Introduction

Okay right off the bat: the flow is just average at best - it needs to be smoothened out and needs t indefinitely. The story didn't exactly have the feel of drama and tragedy -> a pinch of satire is always good! Don't be afraid to venture into the world of overdramatic screaming and crying when building up your plot - because your story felt like the beginning and end: no yolk [there was no since it just left me thinking: where?]. 

Overall: I did like the concept of the story you've developed but that's pretty much it. Don't be afraid to make your story into a 3-shot because it has the potential to do so thus blossom into something more. As I said: the beginning and the end is there -> everything was answered and didn't leave people hanging but that's pretty much it... the twist factor was never present. Part of being a writer is the air of mystery you develop and major cliff hangers that people hate but desire for more - Why do you think Harry Potter and the Hunger Games can be spread out so much? Because the authors were able to perceive the current events at hand, while slipping in new events to lead us into a new story later on which left people hanging~ 

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Allure - 6/10

The overall aspect is quite pleasing from the imagery to the style. The feel eluded a rather misty and hazy effect for me as a reader when going through it all. But as the story strolled along to unfolding events, that's when the allure aspect got pummelled down.

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Foreword - 4/5

The foreword is rather enticing and lures me in all the right ways - but one downside is: The story was anti-climactic in comparison to the foreword. The element of drama and mystery was just overshadowed by all the characters present - I will explain this in the parts below.

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Originality - 7/10

I can say for sure that I have never been so intrigued by the particular idea and theme. I didn't get a sense of deja-vu nor see a massive overdose of cliches - So good job on that.

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Characters - 7/15

Character-wise is on the negative side - cut and skim could have been done in the beginning. It's good to build up the setting and suspense of "Oh my god, what is going on?"... but it did the opposite for me: it made me fall asleep... [that's why the review took a while sorry >.<]  

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Plot - 7/15

The air of the story was of course on the darker side with a slight touch of soap opera esque. I was expecting something more in terms of 'twists' but I didn't get that - there was no drama or mystery present [even though it is 'angst/romance/drama/tragedy' - I only got the angst part.] There needs to be twists and turns around each corner - I'm not being mean by saying this but: simply cut the beginning chatter part and replace it with 1 paragraph that sums up the situation - the next part in line would be jumping right INTO the rising action. should have a 'BAM' and I was rather left stranded in the middle of the desert - looking for it,

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WOW factor - 6/10

At first it was a WOW - till I read the story. I won't repeat why... I can't say I didn't like it: it's just that I was expecting more when I saw the genre.

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Writing Style - 7/10

Your writing style is rough around the edges but still sophisticated and lovely to read. Try using a thesaurus or dictionary when revising your stories - there's a bountiful of words that you could of used to make the whole story flow better. Another thing would be: try to cut down on unnecessary imagery. Keep in mind, you are writing a one-shot -> there isn't a big need to put heavy emphasis on everything - only on the parts that matter. 

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General Structure - 7/10

Although I am nitpicky about grammar as a whole: that does not mean I will give you a bad mark for 'fair general structure'. 

Your weakpoints:

• connecting ideas together
• use of conjunctions
• trying to make everything flow eloquently but ended up being too intertwining in details over twist and drama

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Descriptive Influence - 3/5

I did visualize everything perfectly but that's pretty much it.. 

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Overall score: 54/90 [60%]
Report card rating = 60% = Getting there! Tweak it a bit more and it will be awesome!

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Quick Editing Skims by Mochi

"Have you heard? [That = 'THAT'] famous singer is dead!"  - put emphasis on who is 'that', when you are referring to 'that' = you need to drag out the tone for readers to grasp the dialogue [not a major grammar error - so no worries there.]

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A duo briskly walked passed them [-. = as][A=the] tall[+er], blond boy pulled his struggling doe-eyed companion away from the crowd. 

[Can be connected -> A duo briskly walked passed them as the taller blond boy pulled his struggling doe-eyed companion away from the crowd.] - It flows better IMO.

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Sehun called, voice flat. [Sehun called out monotonously] - I advise a thesaurus for situations like this :)

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Luhan grew more irritated as they passed by more people because as he did so, he heard more of those ridiculous stories and false rumors. 

Growing more irritated by the second, he heard more of the ridiculous stories and false rumors whilst passing by the hoards of people.

[Again - it just flows better]

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Sehun and Luhan stood in front of a big, white building. The duo stood motionless in front of it as they stared at said building

Sehun and Luhan came to a halt as they paused to stare at the big, white building in front of them.

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Men and women, all wearing white coats, went in and out of it. Some had patients with them but some had none. 

The building was bustling with men and women in white coats; some of which had patients with them.

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The sun was at its highest point that day. It's bright rays illuminated the large banner above the hospital. A mental institute was happily welcoming it's visitors. 

The mental institute was happily welcoming it's visitors as the sun's rays illuminated the large banner above the building.

[You don't need to put too much emphasis on parts like this - cut it down and it will still be jjang!]

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Sehun nodded stiffly and [-he] clutched the hem of his shirt.

[When connecting 2 ideas with a coordinating conjunction, you do not need to put 'he' if it supports the same subject.]

[another alternative is replacing and with as while keeping he]

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 The blond boy grasped Luhan's arm and [-he] dragged the doe-eyed boy inside.

[same reason as above]

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Sehun sighed [-in impatience = impatiently] [and = as] he scrutinized the ferocious looking male.

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Tao was scrutinizing Sehun and the blond male met his stare with [+just] as much provocation. 

[when comparing - there needs to a be a level of intensity, if you add 'just' before as much = it states that Tao and Sehun had the same tenacity in stare. --- without the just though, would give it another meaning, "as much provocation" would mean, Sehun is maximizing his gaze to its limit.]

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A whole minute passed and none of them [seemed = was] willing to back down

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Another minute passed. People, other visitors in particular, began to shoot Sehun and Luhan suspicious looks. 

Another minute slipped by as visitors began noting the duo with much suspicion.

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It was when a kid screamed - "Mama, they look like they're going to hit each other!" - that the doe-eyed boy decided to step in.

"Mama, they look like they're going to hit each other!", screamed a kid. The scream served as an alarm for the doe-eyed boy to step in.

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Luhan gripped Sehun's elbow, an indirect message that told the blond male that he should just let Luhan handle it.

Luhan gripped Sehun's elbow which served as an indicator that he will handle it.

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A moment passed and the doe-eyed boy tightened his hold. Sehun flinched a bit, sighed and averted his gaze.

A moment passed and the doe-eyed boy tightened his hold, which caused Sehun to flinch and sigh in retreat before averting his gaze.

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when he said the word[, 'friend'].

[Playing with punctuation adds tone to your story]

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He sounded just like a robot [that it = which] made Luhan's skin crawl.

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Upon hearing the sentence, Luhan's doe-like eyes turned cold and judging as he looked at Tao. 

Upon hearing the sentence, Luhan's stare eluded a cold and judgemental aura as he looked at Tao.

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Tao sighed tiredly as he rubbed his temple in irritation. Some people just can't accept that the ones they loved had lost it...

Tao sighed tiredly as he rubbed his temple in irritation; his mind repeated the same line over again - 'Some people just can't accept that their loved one had lost it'.

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with a question clear [into = in] their eyes.

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 two males [seemed to emit = emitted]

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"Yes," they answered, no hesitation present in their voices at all

"Yes", they said unhesitatingly.

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lightened up [and=as] a big grin managed

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"Kris-gege!" Tao called. Kris turned upon hearing [the name and the familiar voice] = [his name being called out by the familiar voice]. 

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Kris just held up one hand and they fell into silence. Sehun and Luhan glanced at the receptionists in bewilderment.

Kris held up one hand, subjecting the duo into silence. This caused the duo to glance at the receptionists in bewilderment.

[it just rings better on the tip of my tongue]

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There's much more as I read the story - so do give your story a good read and revise the parts which doesn't click well.

If you want, you can request at my editing shop for the full thing. Also ~ drop by the useful tips section to help your revision process.

Useful tips when revising