[Randompopper] Subtle Lines
[CLOSED] The Crossing Timezones Live Review & Editing Shop
Title: Subtle Lines
Story Link: Read It Here
Genre: friendship, supernatural, tiny angst.
Characters: GLAM Dahee, INFINITE (mainly Sungyeol and Myungsoo), BTS Jin, and GLAM Zinni.
Pairings: not really.
Specific Parts to look out for:
pacing and character (if it is too similar with each other or mary sue)
Questions:
Is the twist given interesting enough?
LIVE review: No
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Review by Mochi [kpopspazzatk]
Specific Parts to look out for:
pacing and character (if it is too similar with each other or mary sue)
Introduction
Starting off with the good - the characters were very dynamic in more ways than one. Due to the supernatural concept of the fic, much questioning on the concept was left in the beginning of the fic. True, it was described in the foreword a little but I just felt like the whole plot revelation could of used a bit more work. The twist didn't exactly give me the biggest impact in the world, it just hit me like... okay? - I guess the underlining and build up could have been outlined more to cause a bigger impact when one reaches that point.
Now for the bad, the pacing of the story was moderate at best but took me a while to get through it all. Maybe I'm just not a big fan of super elaborate development in all aspects but I got easily distracted and put down the story a few times. I felt like the story could have been done without so many characters, but to each their own. The flow of the story is rocky and a tad bit unrefined with the amount of characters that needed to be covered.
Overall
I can't exactly say I didn't enjoy it but the story itself could use a trim here and there. Descriptiveness in the events going on and linking up to the plot is great and all -> this is good for only PARTICULAR events. Not every single event in a chapter needs that element.
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WOW factor - 4/10
It WOW'd me during the foreword and Chapter 4 when it the readers tie all the events happening up to that point.
Writing Style - 7.5/10
Your writing style is very descriptive in all the right ways but tends to stride off with too many little details. Although you have managed to deliver, you didn't exactly process everything fluently since it was very choppy in some parts. It felt like the parts were just everywhere from one character's POV to another... just became a turn-off and easily distracted me as a reader. Overall though, your story is good in stylistics.
General Structure - 7/10
Your tenses are all over the place sad to say but that doesn't mean the end of the world. Another thing I could say about this is: try and search through the thesaurus sometime or just search up synonyms of words - there are stronger words that can replace the ones currently present in your story to make it even stronger.
Descriptive Influence - 4/5
A little bit TOO descriptive but it did manage to catch my attention in the right ways, just need to probably pick up the pace a bit.
Overall score: 54/90
Report card rating = 60% = GETTING THERE! but tweak it a bit more and it will be awesome!
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Question & Answer time with TheParakeet
Is the twist given interesting enough?
I was spending some time trying to hunt down the twist in the story.
Was it is that our characters are zombie killer Hannah Montanas who are idols by day and zombie-things killers with powers by night?
Was it that Jin has poor taste in women?
Was it that our main character Dahee is an insufferable misanthrope?
Dahee said it herself.
Verbatim: "I'm not really on good terms with anyone, or even talking with them. Screw the sweet and cutesy image I showed to the public. I hate people. Corrupting, degrading, disrespecting, mistreatment, eveything."
How can you expect people to treat you nicely when deep down inside you are such a huge ?
And Taehyung suddenly showed up in Chapter 7
And someone is someone's sister
But so what?
How does that change anything?
So, to finally answer the question, the twist was a untwist. A twist that does not change anything at all, thus a boring twist.
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