Title: She's My First Love
Story Link: Read it here
Genre: Bittersweet
Characters: Song Dasom (OC) and Do Kyung Soo (EXO D.O) and appearances of EXO members.
Pairings: Dasom ♥ Kyung Soo

Specific Parts to look out for:

Grammar, vocabulary, flow of story, how to improve, and MOSTLY sentence structure. 

Questions:

How can I improve my writing skills to make it more interesting?

LIVE review: No

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Review by The Parakeet + Mochi [kpopspazzatk]

Specific Parts to look out for: 

Grammar, vocabulary, flow of story, how to improve, and MOSTLY sentence structure. 

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Introduction

Mochi

This story left me in bits at the moment - the majority is leaning toward the bad side more than good. I can't say I didn't enjoy it but there's just so MUCH that can be done. I felt like this story could of been written in another direction + style that emphasizes more on the dark theme. Kyungsoo just needs to be knocked down a little and take off his rose-colored glasses.

I understand what you are trying to do with the story and want us to feel + cope with the character's personality but... as I said if the story was written in a different style/direction alongside a darker theme - I would have at least felt more emotions reading this. [Usually I'll be like clenching my fist tightly and swearing non-stop at the villains... hoping they would die... but I just remained completely neutral and said, "That's it...?"] 

Grammar = Fair but the progression from past to present tense needs to be revised

Vocabulary = okay but just a couple of words

• Roughled = ruffled
• Somethings = something's -> something is [you wouldn't say there's a lot of somethings.]

Flow of story = needs to be expanded a bit more - try making a timeline of events that branch out, it feels like pieces of a puzzle were missing

How to improve = Different direction/style + darker

Sentence structure = Fair

TheParakeet

First I would like to say that grammar and spelling are the least of your problems.

The plot and characters though, are the main problem.

Overall: Parakeet and myself both agreed that the plot and characters were just too lightly done. 

Allure -  6/10

The title is on the 'okay' side since it does match the story. The description is darker than the current progression of the story - I don't know what it will be like when it's complete but... the puzzle pieces are just too scattered and missing. The story in contrast failed to give me an overflow of emotions where I want to jump into the scene and punch the es in the face.

Foreword - 3.5/5

As I said, the description is well laid out and contains a darker air to it than the actual story. The pictures of the characters, honestly speaking, could be taken out... the poster is more than enough and the first half of chapter 1 could be put in there to pique the reader's interest. Another method would be the 'conclusion/aftermath' be plastered on there to let people wonder, "OH what happened...? How did this come to be?" Let the mystery factor do the luring in for you :) Being a writer, you sometimes have to be evil.

Originality - 6/10

Original but only a hmm... original~ I guess one could say, "If only the knife was placed there... could they have killed off the character?" It really needs a bit of tweaking in all the minor places to let your audience feel the 'hype & uniqueness'.

Characters - 3/15

I stated it earlier and I will again... Kyungsoo needs to be knocked down a few and take off his rose-colored glasses. Nobody can be THAT oblivious... even if he is head over heels for the girl. I understand you made him into a man of the lowest stature: a coward - but that does not mean he can't be 'darker'. The persona I sense from the events that have occurred is just... what is he an ant? Is he really that spineless? 

No matter how cowardly a man is... if it's for someone they love -> I can assure you that they will at least show some backbone.

As for Dasom, I get that she's pretty and all but... you could of emphasized it a bit more. You made it sound like Kyungsoo's the only one in that class... where were the rest of the EXO boys? Also if Dasom had such a confliction... I can assure you - she will most likely slit her wrists or go insane. Her parents were one of the biggest pot lids for the plot to spill over and... you didn't factor that in there. 

The EXO boys -> wanted to see more of them ... in the beginning - a few appearances of them bugging Kyungsoo and trying to say hi to him in the hall ~ it might mean a little but it accounts for so much.

The villains -> just like the EXO boys... wanted to see more of them. 

Characterization analysis by Parakeet

I can understand if the OC has no personality since she is mostly an avatar for the reader to insert themselves into and to have a relationship with the main male lead, so I'm not gonna criticise your OC here.

But let's talk about Kyungsoo. How does he go about chasing her? He's looking at her from afar, feeling bad for her when other girls insult her, freaking out over a kiss on the cheek.

He punches her locker to get it open and then cries over it at home because it was so painful.

He's falling over himself to carry her books, and he's asking for her permission to walk her home.

The best way to develop a character is through their actions and judging from what Kyungsoo has done so far he has no spine.

Thus, Sulmi is a complete idiot. Falling in love with a guy that is a wuss, and then commiting suicide over him. Yeah. That's believable. 

And if the OC's parents wanted her to stay away from boys, they should have just sent her to an all-girls school.

Plot - 6.5/15

Plot analysis by Parakeet

Your story started out as the thoughts of a lovestruck main male lead who happens to be Do Kyungsoo and his efforts at winning over the love of his life.

Then it descended into the Queenkas of the school poisoning our OC with the intention to kill her. In front of everyone, in the cafeteria, with food which everyone saw them offer her.

First of all, poison is the easiest form of murder to prove.

You can never get away with poisoning someone. Even if you have the best lawyers in the country. The Queenka would have been better off pushing our OC down a flight or stairs or running her over with a car.

The Queenka's motivation?

To take revenge on Do Kyungsoo for being the reason for the suicide of the Queenka's sister.

So even if I believe that our Queenka truly can get away with murder

Why doesn't she just kill Do Kyungsoo instead?

WOW factor - 2/10

It just didn't really appeal to me all that much... it might be in the bittersweet genre but it's more sweet than bitter if anything. When Dasom got poisoned, I didn't really react because I didn't get to know the character very well for me to like her. Kyungsoo's overly happy reactions just cover up too much. It's an "Overdose". [Oh god I can't believe I just put that in there lol]

Writing Style - 8/10

Your style is plain and simple, making it easy to follow. The only problem was the cheery aspect throws it off too much after I read it. You really need to make a darker atmosphere within your fic and also expand a bit more on the setting.

Foreshadowing really helped your story though! It's always a plus when an author knows where to plan and layout their schemes.

General Structure - 9/10

Your grammar and everything is fine but just some parts need revision [I've listed them in the introduction].

Descriptive Influence - 1/5

It just didn't create a huge impact for me. I needed more and failed to get that from the current chapters.

Overall score: 45/90 [50%]

Report card rating: 50-64% = Getting There! Tweak it a bit more and it will be awesome! 

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Question & Answer time with TheParakeet

How can I improve my writing skills to make it more interesting?

The end goal of making a story more interesting is to capture the attention of the reader, which I assume is your goal as a writer and should be.

In order for the reader to carry on with the story it must have believeable and relatable characters, and a sufficiently un-boring plot.

So now, I will address aspects which are specific to your story.

The audience must be able to care about the characters in your story. They will judge your characters based on the things they do and the way they act and whether their actions are logical or plausible in real life.

If your characters do silly things, readers would think your characters are silly.

So when writing the character's later actions, remember to think about whether it fits their personality profile, how would they interact with other characters, and the possible consequences that would come from the actions which they take.

Like when the Queenka poisons our OC

Is it possible for her to get away with attempted murder? Even with the victim's testimony? Even with witness testimony?

And if you answer yes, you better have a very good reason why.

One sentence about having the best lawyer is not gonna cut it.

Next, your plot.

The plot seems like a spine which has not been completely fleshed out when one important scene is supposed to change to the next important scene.

Normally a spine is barebones, you as the writer are trying to get from Scene A to Scene B

Right now you have a lot of events going on which are unexplained.

You could expand on the OC's backstory with her controlling parents further

You could expand on the suicide backstory further

You could have the rest of EXO appear and show through their interactions with KyungSoo how and why is he the way he is.

If you keep the Queenka around as the main villain, what are you planning to happen to her in the end?

Once you know the end, you can write all the events leading up to end in a logical way.