[jasdg22] Torn
[CLOSED] The Crossing Timezones Live Review & Editing Shop
Title: Torn
Story Link: Read It Here
Genre: Romance, High School, and Friendship
Characters: Jongin/Kai, Suho, Yixing, Sehun, Chanyeol, Luhan and other EXO Members
Pairings: Kai ♥ lay or Kai ♥ xing and Kai ♥ ho
Specific Parts to look out for: General. :) But maybe I need advice on my plot, flow of events and twist-making? :)
Questions: Is my story at the right pace? How to make the story more interesting and attention-grabbing? Especially the plot and the twists. :)
LIVE review: No
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Review by Mochi and TheParakeet
Specific Parts to look out for:
General - But maybe I need advice on my plot, flow of events and twist-making?
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Introduction
The story at first felt like your casual puppy love story but when going to the core of it all... I just lost that feeling. There is no real twist and flow here since you picked the wrong genre to put polls in [I explained the reasons why down below]. You need to give your readers an element of surprise and definitely mystery for ANY genre [even in crack which I do]. The build-up was there and all your characters were in place but you failed to deliver the final blow to your aww-strucked audience. The good and the bad is your use of scenic theme - you tend to over elaborate on one idea instead of focusing on the main idea at hand. Don't spend too long elaborating on one thing because that just gave me the feeling of a 'filler' episode. Use of flashbacks could have been cut down a bit, while foreshadowing could have improved your WOW factor immensely - readers love a good foreshadowing in plots that distinctly follow the time line.
WOW factor - 1/10
The WOW factor was 'fine' in the beginning except for the time it took you to actually get into the ACTUAL present time line. From that point on... it just completely went down from the poll. I put my reasons why in descriptive influence so I will spare the explanation.
Writing Style -3/10
Your writing style is pretty straightforward but negatively intertwined when putting ideas together. The flow was broken off by the constant repeat of the same general idea, that I had to pause a bit just to depict the scene again.
As an author, you want to make your stories either flow elegantly or intensify the impact you give your readers with supporting ideas. It's just like writing an essay, you need to hook and lure in your reviewer each and every paragraph.
Next would be connecting descriptions and personality issues which I have encountered throughout the story:
True, using lines to separate different character back setting helps but it needs to be from a point where it's relevant.
Try not to be too jumpy in between lines and you'll be fine.
Last but not least, I told you before your writing style is straightforward but negatively intertwined, right?
The problem with that is: you did not put your plot into motion from the very VERY first chapter, if not: the second. Don't spend too much time dawdling with little filler chapters. True, you are trying to show what the characters are like but false in the fact that you took too long with little idle events that could have actually been events that created suspense or made your audience go 'aww' and wanting more.
General Structure - 4/10
Things to work on
Punctuation, tenses, sequence of events, and mostly the sentence structure [you wouldn't write John was riding his bike, Stella gave him a big push, John then falls and Stella laughs. --- you need to separate some ideas and mold them into a more fluent sequence.]
When you have time, drop by my editing galleria and read the useful tips section :)
Descriptive Influence - 2/5
Sorry to say but the polls in a romance genre actually threw me off. I was hoping for an original theme but seeing the polls made me lose interest in the story. There are genres where you CAN involve the readers and by asking your audience, you need to create an 'authentic' touch --- romance is just not one of them.
You don't ask your readers, "who do you want to see again or who do you want an explanation of in this and that."
You need to take initiative and give the element of mystery and SURPRISE to your readers. You simply do NOT let them know - it just takes all the mystery away from something that could of been a surprise in a lovey-dovey situation.
Overall score: 40/90 [44%]
Report card rating = 40-49% = FAIR but needs improvement in all general areas
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Question & Answer time with TheParakeet
Is my story at the right pace? How to make the story more interesting and attention-grabbing? Especially the plot and the twists.
When I finally finished the story, the first thought that came to my mind was: what twists? what plot?
Your first 6 chapters are exceedingly boring and all your characters seemed to do was to eat in the cafeteria and whine to themselves about their feelings. Nothing noteworthy happened in the first 6 Chapters, and even the interactions between the different EXO members were cringeworthy at best and did not shed light on any information which could have interested the reader.
We already know from the prologue that Yixing's first crush is Suho. And that Suho does not know who his secret admirer is. You do not need to spend another 5 chapters setting up the character's feelings and showing off flashbacks in dreams and having them eat in the cafeteria.
Two whole chapters were spent on nothing but the characters eating in the cafeteria.
At least you managed to establish that the story is Yixing and Suho fighting over Jongin, and that Yixing is sour that Suho never paid attention to him, so we know we probably have some catfights to look forward to in the future
Your story finally picks up in the final two chapters when it turns out that Luhan may have a thing for Jongin! Hooray! Finally some conflict! Now it's a three-way fight for Jongin's affection and love!
This is the main selling point of your story and I advise you to capitalise on it.
Your story will be the three-way fight between Luhan, Yixing and Suho for Jongin.
There is a huge potential for conflict in this and I suggest your boys don't hold back. At all. They should be spending every waking moment of their lives plotting and scheming how to make Jongin their one and only and executing their plans to do so, regardless of how much harm it may do to their rivals.
Of course, your boys should be smart enough to not bring huge repercussions on themselves.
Jongin cannot be oblivious to all of this and his reactions to the conflict are another source of action in the story. Will he be devoted to one person only? Will he play his admirers against each other? Will he be horrified at the events happening around him? Will Yixing and Suho finally have enough of all this and decide to get with each other?
See? Your story, despite it's mind-numbingly slow pace in the first half, does have lots of potential.
Don't waste it.
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