WOW factor - 2/10

WOW factor... I can't really say that for this story - sorry. I'm pretty sure you know why already - I won't repeat myself (Oh god I feel like a bully >_<)

Writing Style - 8/10

As I mentioned in the introduction, your writing style is very fluid and descriptive to boot. There's nothing wrong with the flow in the later half, it's just the pacing was really slow in the beginning that it covered your good points. 

I believe that your story can reach heights unimaginable if you keep the flow from the second chapter going and take out some things in the first chapter.

General Structure - 2/10

Sadly... I had to get out my editing glasses for this.

• Tenses
• Sentence fragments
• Connectors between ideas + phrases

Descriptive Influence - 3/5

The descriptive influence for the story is at its but that doesn't mean that a perfect 5 will be given. As I said, you need to work on t the tree that is Jessica and leave us hanging from the beginning ~ It's good that you are very informative of how Jessica's little world is but bad that you didn't give her the mystery factor. You could have revealed the primary and secondary factor later on if you do intend to write more.

Overall score: 42/90 [47%]

Report card rating = 40-49% = FAIR but needs improvement in all general areas 

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Quick Editing Skims from Mochi

The Primary

I squeezed my eyes[-,][+as] an image flung in front of my mind's eye.

Just anything that [+was] capable of producing a buzz-like sound

Minutes passed[-,][+as] I grind my teeth [and = while] reach[+ing] for my phone idly.

A scream welled up in my throat. My eyes blinked with tears. [can be connected like so]
The influx of emotions caused a scream welling up in my throat and eyes b with tears.

Amidst [of = all] that
It was used to fill [-with] food that [+was] prepared by him

reaching for the key that I had put on the top of [-it]

A [-little] breath of relief escape[+d] [-via] my mouth soon after I hear the clattering sounds of the key.

My sight was glued on the piles of [medicines = medication] stored in it
I didn't hesitate[-d] for long till I shove[+d] it inside my bag before making my way to the door.

The reverberating sound within the spacious hall [make = made] me [winced = wince]. 

Cold air [was filling = filled] my lungs as I spot the announcement board at the center, surrounded by familiar faces[+.] [- my colleagues]

My knees started to wobble at the subsequent step[-.][+as] [A= a] breath hissed through my lips. [can be connected]

The blurry vision before my eyes had cause[-d] me to pause for a second to regain my composure. 

A deep sigh escaped from my mouth, the tension was building inside of me, torturing me. [can be rephrased like so]
A deep sigh escaped from my mouth but the tension which was building inside of me, vexed me greatly.

I close my eyes and [+began] reminiscing [or reminisced if you don't want to add began]

, or perhaps..cursing [-on] me.

her voice bellowed with [-too] much excitement. 

Krystal's echoing voice brought me [+back] [-in]to reality[-.][+as] [My = my] heart pounded in my throat, nearly choking me. 

The moment my eyes opened, Krystal turn[+ed] out to be the first person I looked at.

[that = which] never fail[+s] to soothe my frosty heart.

she was shouting[-,] [+and] frantically jumping amidst [-of] the crowd while throwing both hands [on = in] the air exhilaratingly.

[-On the next second][+Soon after], her almond-shaped eyes landed with mine

She pouted and stomped one [feet = foot] on the ground, furrowing her brow.

stroll[+ed] away.

[-With just few steps ahead from] [+Nearing] the exit, I halt [+in place as][-.] [A = a] dejected feeling overwhelmed me.

My heart [was throbbing = throbbed] in pain[-.] [-Carried][+carrying] away [-with] my conflicting insides, unknowingly[-,][+.] [my = My] body was already turn[+ing] [-into] [+towards] her [-direction][+yet] again.

 All of a sudden, a single tear slid down from my [-eyes][+face], my body shook and convulsed; my hand clamp[-ed][+ing] over my mouth as I struggled to breath with each gasp[-ing] but only to release it with another forceful sob.

as I retreat one step, another step..and one more step [backwardly = backwards]

For the past 3 years, I had been living my life more or less like a robot[-.] [-I] [+;] shut[+ting] myself down from the world before me. The way that hurts, remind[-ing][+ed] me of the past, of how malevolent I was then. The more hurt [-it][+there] was, the easier for me to detach myself from this dessicated world.

[When = While] [everyone = everybody] else [+was] commencing their days' with Monday and end on Sunday, mine was..different. [This is confusing - readers will be asking what you are trying to say so try and word it like so]---> Sunday was soon coming to a close and everybody else was already making preparations for the start of a new week, Monday. Mine, on the other hand, was different from everybody's.

I was living with my day [that = which was] called Primary and, Secondary. If today was primary, then tomorrow would be secondary. My world [revolving = revolved] around these two distinct days, while bearing the same sinful heart.

Primary was the day I deem myself to remember every happening on that day, and wrote it down [in = on] a piece of paper[-.] [-It was][+which served as] a reminder for me. So that even for a split second, I won't forget. Secondary was the day that I would forbid myself to remember. Vice versa from Primary. On that day, as soon as the classes end[-ed], I would lock myself in my dorm and [began = begin] to study ceaselessly.

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There's much more as I read the story - so do give your story a good read and revise the parts which doesn't click well.

If you want, you can request at my editing shop for the full thing. Also ~ drop by the useful tips section to help your revision process.

Useful tips when revising