Title: A story to call my own 
Story Link: Read it here
Genre: Romance
Characters: Jung Yonghwa and Original character 
Pairings: Yonghwa ♥ OC

Specific Parts to look out for:

Not really 

Questions:
How do i make the story flow more natural? 

LIVE REVIEW: No

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Review by Mochi [kpopspazzatk]

Questions from the author:
How do i make the story flow more natural? 

Introduction

When reading this story, I was really iffy about continuing it as a reader in general. But good thing I didn't since the story brought a squeal in my voice as I smiled like an idiot. A little advice though, when you are writing for ANYTHING - try to read it over and over out loud~ When you read it out loud, you can easily adjust your tone to the emotion - thus feeling the character you've developed. This way -> you might find little inserts that you can add in to make your story flow more naturally. Some parts can be taken out and trimmed down indefinitely!

Overall: I did enjoy the story since I am a er for the "aww" factor in love stories :) 

Allure - 6/10

The title itself is very plain to be honest and when I am reading the description + foreword, it feels really choppy and throws me off. The story picks up around chapter 5 and it really tickled my interest in the story itself. The saving grace in terms of rating this category was definitely the typical love story idea - it's overdone + overused yet I love it. 

Foreword - 2/5

The build up is there but the way it's written could be more refined. As I said, it feels really choppy with all these little sentences that could be written much more smoothly. Factoring in the relevance of the foreword to the story itself, I will give this a 2. Don't worry, this is not an awful score! I feel like this story has potential but the fishing line did not have a hook to lure in your audience.

Originality - 3/10

Originality in this fic is sadly on the lower side of the spectrum. The characters are seen too frequently in other stories that it gives a sense of... "where have I seen/read this before?". This aspect is not super duper important but is a key element when you are going for something a little bit more... quirky, unique, or different --- and I did not get that feeling at all. 

Characters - 7/15

Original characters are demanding in many MANY ways:

• appearance
• personality
• alter-ego
• before and after 
• life-changing moments throughout the story
• a scar or past experiences that has led up to his/her present self

IMO: Yebin is a female heroine that will typically teach the audience a lesson in life. You definitely have rounded her off in the later half of the story - so good job :). One problem was the beginning build up and set up mystique --- the way you described her wasn't exactly rushed... it was more like, it's just there - take it or leave it type. It's sometimes okay to break down a character's build up/description into a wider horizon. 

Yonghwa, on the other hand, is a character that exists in real life so the only thing you needed to do was to create his persona. 

The side characters involved though... somehow conflict could be factored in! We can't really expect twists and turns around every corner but for a fic of the romance genre, cliche plots in the story development can aid your characters and evolve them into something more dynamic.

Plot - 9/15

In the beginning, the pace felt rushed in describing how everything came to be. I just couldn't get into the story as the descriptions were just too head-tilting. When I reached the actual events of the story, I was captivated by the quirkiness and the outcome that was weaved in. 

WOW factor - 4/10

It was good but not WOW good. Again, the plot is overused in other stories - you need to create a spark that will make readers go WOW I LOVE THIS! and become addicted to your story. Think about it this way: when you read other people's stories - do you find it cringe-worthy ~ making you go aww ~ or just simply so sappy that you demand more? 

Brainstorm on what you want your audience to feel and use that as a way to captivate them. 

Writing Style - 4/10

This category can be forgiven but reason why you only got a 4 is...

- when you tackle a style that you're not familiar with: you definitely want a reference for the style.

Point of view CAN be really hard to do if your knowledge is a bit fuzzy. The story could have been done without the POV story telling to be honest~

I got a feeling that you got your inspiration from Dear John and thing is... you could of done it as a "Dear diary" day by day entry fic rather than the current style you chose to uptake.

General Structure - 2/10

It was just really choppy and could of been trimmed down a lot. 

Descriptive Influence - 2/5

Needed an environment which let's the audience adapt to it. Putting it in a metaphorical analysis -> a story needs to be like a store -> how will you make your customers stay? how will you impress them when they first come in? is there a specialty that makes everybody want to come here?

Overall score: 39/90 [43%]

Report card rating = 40-49% = FAIR but needs improvement in all general areas 

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Analysis on some parts of the story [Picked a random chapter which I was iffy about]

 YONG HWA'S POV :

Its been a long while since i [have = actually] got some free time for myself.

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When doing point of view – you want to think how to capture your audience with smoother transitions from one idea to another. POV narration is hard to do and might cause your audience to be turned off when done wrong.

“I think i should go visit people i haven't seen in a long time. Maybe drink coffee in a cafe with nothing to worry and think about. Eat a lot of meat in a unknown restaurant. Just thinking of all the things i haven't done in a long time makes me happy.”

T → you are already stating that Yong hwa is on his off-time ~ the emphasis on his enthusiasm is already there when you're stating he is free of stress. T it down a bit

Possibly like this:

Hmm... visiting people I haven't seen in a long time maybe? BUT! Chilling at the cafe without any worries sounds great too~ Thinking about all the possibilities really makes a man happy!

Not only does it sound like the reader is in Yong Hwa's shoes – but you are involving them in the story :)

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So, who should i visit? Ahhh the bookstore ahjumma! I haven't seen her in a long time. She was a nice lady, my first non-celebrity friend in Seoul. Am sure she still remembers me.

Clarity and process → in the first paragraph, you already stated the possible actions Yong Hwa would take.

So... where to first?

By using where to first ← you are putting his train of thought which actually connects as opposed to who should I visit? Try to put emphasis on the character's emotion because as I stated before: point of view 

So... where to first? AHH the bookstore ahjumma! It's been ages since I last saw her. She's a nice lady and of course my very first non-celebrity friend in Seoul. I wonder if she remembers me~

Now Clarity: it's been a while since he's had a day off – I wouldn't exactly state that it will be “for sure”.

“Excited , i quickly picked up my car keys, slipped into my black hoodie and went out. All the way to the store i didn't even turn on the radio. Today, i wanted to be away from everything that reminded me of work. I would talk to my old friends, sip coffee in a quiet cafe and be happy. I reached the locality and parked my car nearby. Slippery on a mask and covering my head with the hoodie , i stepped out of the car. The place reminded me of many old memories. But i didn't want to stop by unnecessarily lest i attract attention to myself. So i just walked quickly and reached the store. As i opened the door i saw a girl walking out. She turned back to probably wave someone. I tried to avoid bumping into her but i was slow for a few seconds. She bumped into me and instantly began to apologize. She had her head down. And then she looked up. She had a small face , her large eyes framed by glasses. No makeup, no fancy clothes, but still beautiful in a way i couldn't really understand.And then, just like that, she ran out of the store.”

Never use terms that describe a character's emotion directly when writing POV – it's a really broad way to do it.

Try to use things like...

Without a second thought/moment of hesitation,

Without a second thought, I quickly grabbed my car keys and slipped into my black hoodie.

[take out 'and went out' – your audience already knows he is going out to meet the bookstore ahjumma through the second paragraph]

During the drive there, I didn't even bother turning on the radio because well... I just want to get away from it all. Before I knew it, I reached the locality and parked my car nearby. Slipping on a mask and covering my head with the hoodie, I stepped out of my car.

The place brought back many old memories but now's not the time to reminisce. Hurriedly I rushed toward the store, trying to not attract attention. As I opened the door, I see a girl walking out but it seems like she was too preoccupied with her greeting to notice what's in front of her. Trying my best to avoid her, we still manage to collide into each other. In an instant, she apologized to me and bowed. The awkwardness lingered for a tiny bit till she looked up... she had a small face and large doll-like eyes framed by her glasses. No makeup or fancy clothing but yet... still beautiful in a way I couldn't really explain.

Our meeting quickly ended as she scurried out of the store in a frenzy.

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I didn't know who she was, but right at that moment i knew i wanted to know her. I looked back out and saw her running. I slowly turned forward and smiled at ahjumma pulling down my hoodie.

Her eyes went wide and exclaimed,

"Yonghwa ssi"

And then she smiled. I knew i had made the right choice to

decide to visit her today.

" Anneong ahjumma" , i smiled.

 Ye Bin's POV : 

I clutched my newly bought novel to my heart and ran. I was a bit embarrassed and running a little late for my work too. Reaching the cafe, and quickly changing into my work clothes, i settled myself for a long day ahead.

People had already started to come in and i was expected to do the waitressing too. So, i took a deep breath and began my work. Business was going good today, but that meant a more hectic day for me. There were only 5 [of us – can be taken out] waitresses total, meaning more work for us. [And we had to do all the work – can be taken out].

[We had many a times asked our employer Mr. Park to increase the workers as the cafe was growing in popularity and size but being as stingy as he was, he always refused.]

We had asked our boss, Mr. Park, many times to increase the number of workers but his refusal was expected due to his stinginess.

  Ha na , a girl who worked with me , smiled and called out an order of an iced Americano for the customer at table 6. I quickly made the order and walked to the table. A guy in a black hoodie sat there looking out the window. 

" Iced Americano " i said and put it down on the table. 

 The guy turned his face forward and looked at his americano.

  " Do you want anything else?" i queried smiling

" No. That would be all", he replied.

That was when he looked up . There was surprise written on his face. He smiled at me then.

He was the most handsome man i had seen in my life. 

The last line --- there was surprise written on his face → As he looked up, his face was written with the expression of shock and surprise. This was definitely one of those situations in a novel because... when he smiled at me, I melted a bit on the inside. He's definitely one of the most handsome men I had ever seen in my life.

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TheParakeet

Since Spazzatk has done the review I would like to take time to answer the question posed.

How do you make the story flow more naturally?

The most important part of the flow is showing what happens in the story instead of telling it. Think of the medium which is a master at showing what happens and what the audience should know about the character instead of telling the readers directly. Yes, that would be movies and TV.

Like in your first paragraph of the first chapter

Yes, Ye Bin was a quiet girl. It wasn't like she was quiet all the time because when she was with her friends she was as crazy as anyone. It was just that she was a little unconfident with new people, always scared what people thought of her. Always self conscious about herself and her looks. She wasn't very pretty and she knew it. She was little overweight and she had poor eyesight, so she had to wear glasses. She had tried contact lenses but she wasn't very comfortable with them. So she was stuck with glasses. The ahjumma looked up from her desk and smiled at her.

This is telling the audience about the character.

Ways of showing the character traits where she is self conscious because she is not very pretty and overweight would be by

1. Having her look at herself in the mirror and start criticising all the parts she feels bad about in her thoughts or in monologue

2. When she's walking down the street and sees people laughing or whispering about something she wonders whether it is about her, even if it is not.

Also,

In Chapter 4

Yonghwa finished his Americano and the complimentary pie and quietly called out for his bill. He hoped she would come with the bill. But a few seconds later the other girl with red hair came up with the bill. He felt a little disappointed because he had really hoped that she would come. The red haired girl smiled at me and handed me the bill. He handed her bill and a generous tip . The girl smiled very broadly looking at the generous tip. 

I think this is supposed to be the narrator's POV thus it is impossible for the red haired girl to smile at the narrator. Make sure you are clear on who is currently doing what in which part of the story, and don't confuse the characters with the narrator. This may seem like a small mistake but it is enough to turn readers off.

And learn to use commas. Your sentences are too short. Short sentences are snappy. They will break your flow.

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