[championmugger] Yearning
[CLOSED] The Crossing Timezones Live Review & Editing Shop
Title: Yearning
Story Link: Read It Here
Genre: a slice of life, slight angst
Characters: JR, Ren, mentions of other NU'EST members
Pairings: JR ♥ Ren (one-sided)
Specific Parts to look out for:
characterization, grammar
Questions:
1) Is the story too plain/too long?
2) Tips on forewords and title?
3) I was wondering if you guys could also take a look at the follow-up ficlet Unravel (http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/747045/unravel-ren-nuest-nuestjr-jren-juniorroyale). There's only one chapter, thus far, and was wondering if there is any anticipation from this ficlet.
If you guys want to review them separately, that's fine and I'd just submit another application form after you're done with Yearning! :)
LIVE review: No
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Review by Mochi [kpopspazzatk]
Specific Parts to look out for:
characterization, grammar
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Introduction
In the scenario where the story revolves around an unrequited love, it can be a tricky theme to work around. You played your cards right and showed off JR's feelings with the use of the other band members. The slice of life genre in this story was missing the main factor -> a deep meaning + lesson of the story -- Yes it depicts the core of an everyday life which revolves around one central idea but I just failed to catch it since no change was present in the end nor was a message present.
Overall
The story was good all in it's own but elaboration or stretching it into a 3-shot would definitely be a good idea. Your plot and story telling is awesome but just needs sprucing up.
Now moving onto your little sequel to Yearning - you did fluff it up immensely and gave me a sense that this will lean more toward a lovey dovey story that can fill in for a soap opera. It would be a good idea to make this a series than the format laid out right now.
The little inserts in blue ties off the theme and topic at hand nicely - the style is clear and on-point: I love it since it isn't bland in any way nor is it boring to sit through.
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WOW factor - 8/10
The title isn't exactly WOW material but what scored you high points here was the story itself - if you've been reading along, you know why already. Only word I can say is 'WOW'.
Writing Style - 9/10
Your writing style again is crisp and clean ---- the flow wasn't disrupted part way through any parts - although the story is short, it didn't waste any lines and was definitely on-point. Over elaboration in detail and such could lead a story to its' downfall, but you have gradually let the line go up in the chart for this section.
General Structure - 8/10
The grammar could use a big tune up but not everything - there wasn't exactly super big problems but giving it a good read again might help.
Reading it out loud and trying to feel the emotions of your characters is a way to do so --- does it flow nicely? This simple question can help your writing fly in more ways than one.
Descriptive Influence - 2/5
You already know all the reasons - so yeah... but one thing I would like to add is: if this wasn't a one-shot, you would have scored higher marks.
Overall score: 50/90
Report card rating = 56% = GETTING THERE! but tweak it a bit more and it will be awesome!
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Question & Answer time with TheParakeet
1) Is the story too plain/too long?
The story is not too long, and I wouldn't call it plain either. We can see JR's desire for Ren and how Ren's actions remind JR of the fragrances of various plants, a running theme throughout the story.
The characters do not go through any form of major or high conflict, but the beauty of slice of life is that you can create interest in what may seemingly be mundane events in the characters' lives, like a short fanservice session on stage, or the characters falling asleep on each other.
The ending does round off the story nicely as even though it may seem that nothing has changed between JR and Ren, there is a sign that things could improve for the two in the future, as evidenced by the final words in the fic.
2) Tips on forewords and title?
Yearning does capture the story correctly. Your foreword does not give away anything about the story but is a look into the main character's thoughts, which is a good way to handle a melancholic or sentimental toned story, which you have achieved.
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Quick Editing Skims from Mochi
That's the first thought JR had when his eyes met with an unexpectedly bright pair[,] complete[d] [or accompanied] with a cute smile, before his hand shook the soft palms [that] of Choi Minki's.
- if you use completed --- add a comma in before that --- if you are using 'accompanied' it will link the visual without the use of a comma
- you don't need 'that' in there - plain and simple ---> he shook the soft palms of Choi Minki's already suffices since you are stating WHO it is that is being shook. If you wrote it like so,
"before his hand shook the soft palms that he was unfamiliar with'
you are stating a fact that is still UNKNOWN - THEN you will need to add 'that' in there because it's an unknown fact.
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"Name's Jonghyun," he [started] - [stated], lips quirking up into a bright smile, teeth showing and head poking further out of the blankets, "welcome to Pledis, Minki."
He started what exactly? Stated would make more sense here. Unless you meant to say...
he started AS or WITH his lips quirking up into a bright smile.
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[that] familiar large eyes
THOSE familiar large eyes
does he only have one eye? No because you used 'eyes' --- You would always say: These hands, those shoes, and whatnot unless you are mentioning the specific singular object at hand.
This left hand of mine... that shoe in the corner.
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Give the link below a quick gander and revise your story - I can guarantee you major points with your next reviewer when creating a better flow in your story in terms of structure
Useful tips when it's time to revise your story
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If interested, I will take your story and break it down a bit more with factors that need editing. Just drop by my shop and file a request~
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