WOW factor - 8/10

Hands down for one of the better stories I have reviewed so far. It didn't catch my attention at first when I saw the genre and poster - that's where you lost the 2 points. But the 8 was solely from your story alone. All I can say is WOW!

Writing Style - 7/10

Your writing style is a bit rough in a way - some lines could have been separated after dialogue or ideas that don't click well with the current paragraph. 

General Structure - 9/10

Things to keep in mind:

• Spelling/Vocabulary [try to use a thesaurus to look up synonyms]
• Connectors [such as commas - therefore - whilst - as] could have been used in place of said lines present in your story
• Tenses - just remember this: if it's a fact that HAS been stated already and the following idea or action is in past tense - it needs to match the idea

Descriptive Influence - 4/5

You didn't waste nor overuse any lines at all - the story just ran so smoothly, it just played by itself = That's how well I visualized everything.

If anything, the characters could use a bit more rounding off - that's the 1 point you are missing.

Overall score: 68/90 = 76%

Report card rating = 76% FABULOUS! just need to revise your story and it will be perfect

===========================

Quick Editing Skims from Mochi

Chapter 3

Jonghyun [seens] [seemed rather] annoyed by Kai's matter-of-fact claim on Taemin

Taemin doesn't raise his eyes again until Kai has left the viewing room, and [he] lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

---------------------------------------------------

chapter 5

especially if he's paying the stated price without [burgaining] [bargaining?]
In the dark room only [lighted] [lit] by the moonlight through the window

---------------------------------------------------

Chapter 6

Taemin [has] [had] his eyes closed[,] trying to concentrate on 
[phsically] [physically]
Taemin doesn't dare [moving] [move] on 
and even when Kai is not looking [or - replace with ,] leisurely reading[,] or talking to trainers
He has [had] a feeling [that] he'll find out why it's unacceptable otherwise later [though - replace with ,] [as] his trainers record each of his infraction in the log book.
By the time Taemin has [had] finish[ed]
Taemin can't [couldn't] feel his legs but he knows [knew] the worst [of the day is not over yet] [has yet to begin].
but his mind keeps [kept] jumping back to his master[,] whose eyes [he can feel on his back] [vexed him greatly].
but focus his attention to [on] the man who's administering it
The lash stings rather than bite[s]

Taemin thinks he [would] start[s] crying on his twentieth lash but he can't [couldn't] be [too] sure
he always knows [knew]

---------------------------------------------------
chapter 7

tries [trying] to turn onto his back
but Taemin winces so he [causing Minho to] quickly take[s]

---------------------------------------------------

chapter 8

As Taemin secretly expects [expected],

there're is accepted but try to use there 'are' 
Another way of connecting it would be "alongside"
 but master was young at that time also, [alongside] stories that he even trained

with his fighter anyway[s] --- you wouldn't say anywheres - anyhows etc., 
refer to useful tips in my editing galleria for an explanation why ---> Useful Tips for revising your stories

Taemin, [who had] forgotten about the pain

The way he looked like [as if] life was out of him [instead]

Things does [did] make sense now
Taemin has [had] passed out

But the next morning, the young fighter is [was] nowhere to be found

---------------------------------------------------

chapter 9

rage[,] and hurt[,] and misery
Taemin seems to [be] have accepted his fate rather meekly

The marketplace is hot[,] and crowded[,] and humid from the rain the previous day
which do [did] nothing to ease his fever
Taemin's alarmed but [yet] sick and weak voice does nothing

---------------------------------------------------

chapter 10

"Pity his master decides[decided] to abandon him
the third man pulls his hair[, not quite gently,] [roughly,]
He's been nursing [back] the kid, 
and leave[+s] the room.
 Taemin thinks [thought] to himself.
with a smile that suspiciously looks[ed] like a smirk
 where Onew has[had] been sitting the past few days
after about a week [a week or so]

Taemin blabbers a series of thanks and apologies and [, causing] Kai [has] to order him to shut up
He hasn't been able to sleep anyway[s]
He hasn't slept [as] [this] sound[+ly] in so many nights, that the next [following] night, 
because he somehow feels [felt] responsible
bond to [with] another fighter 
he wishes you would run away by yourself[,] and get caught[,] and killed
some new faceless,[and] nameless

okay,[?] and go live with [join] your family,
soon Kai laughs together with him, and [as] they leave Taemin behind

[And] then he feels gentle 

he chokes on himself and [as] he wakes up

half runs, half staggers [staggers through his run] toward[-s]
when his bedroom door swings [swung] open
and in his drunk[-ed] state

the boy pleads and cries and [whilst] sobs [sobbing]

---------------------------------------------------