JESSICA’S POV

We arrived at school with the atmosphere I was expecting. None of us dared to speak about what happened.. I mean, what was about to happen. The radio wasn’t of help either. Instead of trying to lessen the tension, it added some more. Let me ask you this, why, of all the songs in this world, would they play the ones that would talk about lips and kissing?

Bruno Mars’ song was playing and I was singing long quietly. In the chorus part, I also heard him sing a bit. You can call it singing in a whispering manner, it was in a low voice but I could still hear it. Instant duet, everybody! But only when the chorus was about to end did I realize the following lyrics...

Oh her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me.

I really thought that we already loosened up ‘cause of the impromptu duet, but the song just ruined it. Life’s playing with me. Just when it’s about to fix things, something comes to ruin it. Great, just great. And just when I thought nothing worse can happen, something happens.

Of course, we acted like nothing happened. When I say acted, we just remained silent again. Me staring outside the window, him focusing on driving. We just let the radio radiate sound for us. I’m no longer singing along, but instead, I just hummed together with the song.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright. No I don't want to mess this thing up. I don't want to push too far. Just a shot in the dark that you just might. Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life. So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight.

My body tensed up. Come on life! Bring it on! Is this all you got? ( > . < )

Maybe Life heard me, and gave up. But my brain continued playing with me. I started to become paranoid that even thought the lyrics doesn’t talk about kissing and such thing, my brain is processing it like it’s still about those things.

For example, you know the song “Fix You”?

The correct lyrics is, “ Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. I will try to fix you.”

But my brain processed it as “Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones. I will try to kiss you.” ( - _ - )

It continued until we reached the school premises.

When we went out of the car, so many eyes were on us. Although I’m used to this, I’m still bothered because they way they looked at me, at us, is different from the ones before. They looked so intrigued. Oh yeah. I forgot. I just got out of my car with Hae, a guy. A part of me wants to clear things up and explain, but I know that by doing that, it would add up to their already malicious minds. So instead of explaining, I just smiled at them. Letting them think what they want to think.

We saw the rest of our friends approach us, and we gave each other a meaningful look. I hope telepathy works right now. I was trying to send him a message saying we shouldn’t let them know what happened last night. Luckily, telepathy does work with him, he smiled and gave a small nod.

“So, how are you guys? Great morning, aye?”, Leeteuk began.

“Sorry, Jessie. Were you scared last night? I’m sorry we didn’t come. Was oppa with you?”, Tiffany said and hugged me.

Oh crap. What am I suppose to say. Well, I should really stand to what I said earlier, do not let them know about anything. “Uh. Yeah. Good thing he was at home last night.”, I added a smile to make it more believable.

“Good. Good. We were worried about you last night. We wanted to come to you, really. But it was too dangerous for us to leave the house and drive.”, Taeyeon continued.

“Don’t worry guys. Like I said, oppa was with me last night.” [A/N: Hmm. “Oppa”. :3]

The rest of the day continued like that. The both of us acting like nothing happened.

Slowly, the awkwardness between us vanished. We sat side by side during lunch again, and he brought my food. I’m starting to get used to this. And I know, even though they aren’t saying anything, our friends are starting to become suspicious towards our action. I can see it in the way they look at us. And again, I acted like I didn’t see nor noticed anything. I’m just going with the flow.

I couldn’t help but steal glances of him during our classes. There’s like this weird thing attracting my eyes to look at his direction. He had a different aura or some sort of glow. Or is it just me? Maybe it’s just me. Good thing our classes were only English and Vocals. Not to brag or anything, but I could ace these two subjects without exerting that much effort.

Of course, our day wouldn’t be complete unless we hang in some place after class. Most of the time, that place I’m referring to is the cafeteria. And so, we did. Just like lunch, he brought—well, not only brought, but also bought—my food for me. I don’t know if he’s doing this unconsciously or on purpose. Although I feel kind of bothered by his actions and our friends’ not-so-obvious-but-still-obvious reactions, I still couldn’t find the courage to ask him why he’s doing what he’s doing.

That and also I couldn’t find the right timing. So, I just kept the question all to myself.

Since there’s no more reason for him to drive me home,  went inside the car all by myself. I was about to go in the passenger’s seat, but then realized that.. yeah. I’m driving myself home. Imagine how I quickly got used to him being there in a span of 24 hours. [Plays Sunmi’s 24 hours. Okay authornim, keep quiet now. ( - _ - )].

I heard that the boys were planning to have a hangout session at Siwon’s place. Taeyeon asked if we could join them, but they told us that “It’s guys’ stuff.” Whatever that means.

As I started the engine, my eyes darted on the rear-view mirror, showing the backseat. It all replayed in my mind. Every single detail that happened in this car. There was a fast movement in my chest, as if there’s a wild animal impatiently wanting to go out and I could feel my cheeks burning again.

I was only snapped back to reality the moment a car in front of me honked. It was Fanys’ car. She opened the window of the passenger seat and waved to me.  I waved back but still, my mind was in a daze.

Although it’s a bit unusual for me to go home this early, I still did. I don’t have any other place in mind to go to anyway. My body no longer craves for the liquor. There’s no emptiness inside of me that wants to be filled with alcohol.

As soon as I entered my room, I transformed into a couch potato. Just stared at the ceiling thinking of nothing but him. I was searching for answers, although I know to myself that I can’t find the answers despite how hard I’ll try ‘cause only he can answer me. My brain is filled with unanswerable questions. I literally jumped off my bed, and at the same time, all the questions flew out of the window when my phone suddenly rang. I checked who the caller was and another set of intriguing questions came rushing in my mind.

It was Jaejoong.

I totally forgot about him during the times I was with Hae. I forgot the fact that I’m still stuck with.. him. I still have him to think about. What will I do now?

“yoboseyo?”, I answered casually.

“Sica. Annyeong! How are you?”, I can sense happiness in his tone. But I should really put on my cold front, right?

“Why’d you call?”, and so I did. The coldest me ever.

“Uhmm. Are you at your house already?”, based on my experience with him, this kind of talking he’s doing is just an introduction. He wants to go out with me. Should I take this opportunity to tell him that I no longer have feelings for him and he should stop?

“Yeah. Why?”, short replies. Perfect!

“Would you like to go out with me tonight? I’ll treat you to dinner.”, I knew it.

“Sorry, I can’t.”, just like how I can’t tell you now.

“Aww. Just dinner. I promise. Please?”, I can imagine him pouting with puppy eyes.

“Sorry, I really can’t.” I’m really sorry. Now’s not the time to reveal this to you. “I’m busy practicing for an upcoming audition.”, I said when I’m actually not.

“Aw. Okay. Maybe next time, then. Practice well! But don’t overdo yourself. I lo--”, I ended the call even before he finished. I don’t want to get his hopes up, but at the same time, I can’t find the courage and the timing to break it down for him. The irony of life, at its best.

After the call, my mind went crazy again. With all the questions coming back to me and some additional ones because of Jaejoong. With these much thoughts, my mind couldn’t take it anymore, so it just automatically shut down.

I woke up due to the extreme ray of sunlight hitting my face. I forgot to close my curtains last night since I just blanked out. I was on my way to the bathroom to prepare for school when Kangin oppa knocked on the door. I opened it, and he said,

“There’s someone downstairs waiting for you.”, I felt ecstatic at the thought that he fetched me again and we’d be going to school together.. again.

I just gave oppa a nod and quickly made my way to the bathroom. I was really fast, maybe the fastest I have ever gone in my whole existence, because I wouldn’t want to make him wait that long, and maybe if he hasn’t eaten breakfast yet, I could prepare some for him.

With my pastel pink dress, I went out of my room and went down. I double check myself first in the mirror placed exactly beside the last step of the stairs, then went directly to the living room where I saw a guy’s back sitting on the couch. Oppa was also sitting there, but they were not talking to each other, oppa was just reading the daily newspaper.

The heels I was wearing made a tok tok tok sound as I was walking, making the guy turn around and face me.

Disappointed? Maybe I was.

Jaejoong turned to face me with a smile plastered on his face. He was brightly smiling at me while I was trying my best to force a smile out of me. Maybe that’s why oppa had this dark aura around him when he said someone was waiting for me here. Yes, of course he knew the story. We might not seem to be close with one another, but the truth is, we know each other very well and what’s going on with one another. He stood up and went upstairs as soon as I he saw me, but he gave me a look that only we could understand.

“You look really pretty.”, I no longer feel flattered with his compliment, unlike before. I used to blush even with the simplest compliment he gives me, but now? It has no effect to me.

“What are you doing here?”, totally ignoring the praise he just gave away, like I didn’t hear him say anything.

“I thought that you may be tired from all the practice you’re doing, so I didn’t want you to tire yourself even more by driving. So here, I came here to fetch you and drive you to school.”, he said.

“You don’t have to do this.”, was all I could think of saying.

“Don’t worry. It’s my first day of class anyway, so I’m also heading there.”, he raised his backpack and a book.

“I can drive myself there.”, I turned around to go get my keys in the kitchen table.

“No. I’ll drive. Let’s go!”, he grabbed my hand and my bag, and dragged me to his car. I had no choice but to follow him. He grip was too strong for me to just shrug off.

The instance I entered his car, I plugged in my ears the earbuds of my earphones. I didn’t want to have a conversation with him because I know that there’s a huge possibility that I’d be breaking his heart inside this car if that happened. And besides, we don’t have anything that specific and that important to talk about anyway.

And that’s the only thing I did during the whole car ride. Keep quiet and avoid having any contact with him. It was a silent ride. Different from what I had yesterday. Well, the same but different.

What?! Do I make any sense?

It’s like it’s the same because it was a silent ride. And different because I enjoyed the silence from yesterday, but not today. You get me now? Good!

I thought life was planning something fishy between me and Jae, but good thing it didn’t. I was actually expecting that he would end up as one of my classmates, but hell yeah! He isn’t. He’s just a wall away from me, but that’s much better than having the two of us in one room.  Maybe life already quit with playing. If so, thank you!

Lunch time..

We were all on our way to the cafeteria, just a step out of the room, when we saw a group of girls gathered in a corner, staring at someone who was beside our door. And even without looking, we knew who it was. Of course he would gather that much attention, he’s an established model anyway, anyone would get attracted to him. But not me, anymore. He had his earphones on and was focusing on his phone, leaning on the wall like a model. He looked like he was doing a photoshoot. It was not only the girls who were mesmerized by his presence, even the boys who were passing by was looking at him.

Psh. I should be thankful, the attention of the student body is no longer on us.

I felt that there were also eyes looking at me. It was my friends, they were waiting for my next move. I just continued walking like I didn’t see anything. Good thing the cafeteria was on the other side, so I’m not going to pass by in front of him who was still absorbed in his phone. The girls and the guys just followed me without speaking a word.  Not long after, I felt a pair of hand hold my shoulders. I was hoping that my guess about who this is wrong. And...

Hopefully, it is wrong.

“Here, let me bring your bag for you.”, Hae said as he took my bag off my shoulders. I couldn’t protest because he already took it from me. However, I found it to be a sweet deed. I gave him a smile and proceeded walking with him walking right beside me and my bag on one of his shoulder and his on the other. I covered my face with some of my hair so that he can’t see the smile I have on my face. I don’t know why, but I just can’t stop myself from smiling. It’s really weird.

And of course, like what he does lately, he brought and bought my food. I’m no longer feeling the odd feeling every time he does that because maybe.. I already got used to it. Imagine how fast that is! Just a span of days.

We ate like we used to, eating while talking about random things. Even Sunny is joining in our conversation now. Kyeopta~ She’s now part of us, so we waited for her to arrive before we started eating. Our clique is starting to grow in number. Hey, the more, the merrier, right?

*beep beep* *opens phone*

            From: Unknown Number

                        Hey. Where are you? I was waiting outside your room, but I guess I didn’t see you                        get out. Didn’t you also see me? If so, hahaha! C’mon! Let’s eat lunch together.                                  Btw, this is Jae.

I felt a tinge of pain in my chest, like my heart was pinched. It was guilt. My conscience is punishing me right now. I saw him. I clearly saw him, but I just took off and left him. I feel awful. So I replied,

            To: Unknown Number

                        I didn’t see you. I’m already here in the cafeteria. With my friends.
 

I then hid my phone in the deepest part of my pocket, so I no longer have the urge to check on it that would make me look uneasy. After doing so, I didn’t have the appetite to finish my food. I really feel guilty. It feels like guilt has already taken over inside of me that there’s no more space for food.

“Hey. Are you alright?”, whispered by the guy sitting beside me.

“Of course I am. Why’d you ask?”, I gave him a smile for assurance.

“You suddenly didn’t look like you were interested in eating your food. Don’t you like it? I’ll buy you a new one if you like.”, he said as he was about to stand. So, I held his hand and stopped him.

“Seriously, I’m alright. I’m just... full. That’s all. Thanks again for the food, and I’m sorry if I’m not able to finish it.” , I once again assured him.

It was only then that I realized our conversation was in a whisper level. We were just whispering to one another. It was a hushed conversation. When I raised my head to look at the others, their eyes were on us. But as soon as I sat straight, they avoided my gaze.

Everyone was already finished eating and was close to the end of lunch break, but there was no sign of Jae in the cafeteria. Did he skip lunch or something? I checked my phone for messages, but none from him. Did he really skip lunch because of me? I made him wait outside the room, and headed here. Guilty feelings, when will you stop bugging me?

The same way as we came to get here in the cafe, we went back to our classroom. Sunny separated from us when she received a message from her uncle. She was asked to go to his office. And yeah, Hae was still the one bringing my bag for me as he walked beside me. We were talking while walking. It was really comfortable. I felt fulfilled, and I don’t know why.

WHY DO I KEEP FEELING THINGS THAT I DON’T KNOW THE REASON BEHIND?!

It’s kind of weird, but at the same time, it makes me feel happy. I’m just going to let it continue. If I’m not going to lose anything, why stop, right?

I was expecting to see Jae waiting outside our room, but he wasn’t there when we arrived. Something inside of me tells me that I should explain to him even though I know that what I’m going to tell him are white lies. I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want him to keep on hoping. The right time is the only thing I’m waiting for. If it comes, I’m going to tell him everything. That I no longer have feelings for him, that I already forgave him, that my heart has already healed, that I already moved on and... that he should stop.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I was about to bump the door if not only for Hae pulling me. I shook my head to try to escape my daze mode. I looked at him and smiled as a sign of my appreciation, and he smiled back.

He walked me to my seat and placed my bag on my lap, then he went to his seat which is a few chair away from me. When he settled on his seat, he looked at me and smiled again. With that kind of smile, I can’t help but to smile back again. At the same time, I felt my heart flutter. OMG!

Not long after the teacher arrived and started the discussion right away. It was a regular class. What I mean is, I listened to what the teacher was lecturing, but from time to time, I steal some glances of him. But there was a time when I looked at him, and he was also looking at me. ( O . O ) I was shocked and embarrassed for being caught, but by the way he smiled to me again, I felt.. fine.

Our four-hour class ended. And we started to fix our things. I felt my phone vibrate, and checked it. It was a message from Jae. I already saved his number, so I knew from the Contact Name.

            From: Jaejoong

                        Can we talk?

What scares me more than a message full of capital letters is a message with only a few words. Messages like these are serious ones, meaning, this means business, meaning, this is the right time I was waiting for.

I replied: Where?

The shorter you reply, the better. Save the long conversation for the actual talk. You might run out of words.

He texted back and told me where he was right now. I ran out of the room without any word. My friends were shouting at me, asking where I was going, but ran out and didn’t respond. I could feel my phone vibrating and I’m pretty sure they’re the ones texting me, so I didn’t bother checking them. I took my phone out of my pocket and snatched out its battery. If I really want to have this talk, it’s a wise idea to switch off my phone.

I’m a door away from him. I know that on the other side of this door, is the guy that I first gave my heart  to, the guy who broke my heart for the first time, and the guy I’m about to let down.

In love, it’s inevitable. Pain is inevitable. But that’s the essence of love. Despite facing so many hardships and pains, if we face the person we love, those things are no longer burdensome. That’s the magic of love. And moments from now, I’m going to hurt the person I truly loved. The person I wished, for more than half a year, to come back to me. Love is ironic, I know.

Breathing in what I can before opening the door. And with a sudden release, I opened the door and saw him standing on the far end of the rooftop. I thought I would only see this in movies. Those breakup scenes on top of the rooftop, but I guess it can really happen in real life, and it’s happening to me right now. It’s actually happening.

He was facing the horizon, with an image of the sun setting. In another person’s point of view, it would look so sweet. But to me, it’s like a slow suicidal or murderous move. I could either hurt myself more by not being able to tell him or kill him by breaking his heart.

It was as if everything was in slow motion. My walk was really slow and the way he turned around to face was also really slow. The only thing that proves that this isn’t one of those movie scenes is my fast-beating heart.  It’s the only thing that’s out of place. When everything is in slow mo, my heart is in fast forward. This is the exact same feeling I’m feeling every time I see a cucumber. And I could feel myself getting weaker for every step I take from getting closer to him. But I couldn’t let this take over me. I couldn’t faint now. I couldn’t fail my purpose of going here.

“Hi.”, was the only thing we said to one another at first.

He faced the horizon again. I took steps to get closer to him, watching the sunset beside him, maybe for the last time. I’m treasuring this moment. It’s one of the most important moments for me, like watching the sunset together for the first time.

Oftentimes, our lasts are as important as our firsts. Sometimes, it’s even more treasure-worthy. ‘Cause our firsts, yeah it’s important, but we know that there’s a possibility that it could happen again. The lasts, the word definition explains it itself, we know that it can never happen again, there’s no such thing as “next time”.

“Beautiful sight, isn’t it?”, he said without looking at me.

“Yeah. It is.”, and silence ate us up again. But thanks to this silence, I’m able to gather up all my thoughts. I let out a sigh before starting, but I wasn’t even able to say a word, he cut me off.

“Mind if I tell you a story first?”, still not looking at me. I just nodded.

“Okay. So it’s a story of a person I know. A close friend of mine. Once upon a time, this friend of mine was so madly, deeply in love with a beautiful girl. He strived to get the girl, and fortunately, he did. He felt like he was the luckiest guy in the whole wide world. He had the girl he loved the most, he got the girl who made his heart go badump-badump. What more could he ask for? They almost had a perfect relationship, their small fights only made them stronger and even more perfect. But a decision made by this friend of mine totally ruined everything for him, for them. He was given two options, but damn. He chose what he thought was going to make him happy, but ended up to be something that distanced him from his real happiness.”, he sighed and looked at me before he continued.

“When he tried to redo things. He thought that if he came back, everything will go back to the way it used to, that they will be happy again. It took him quite a long time to realize that his happiness wasn’t his career, but was with her. So he made a decision again, to go back and start things over with her. But maybe he realized it too late. Maybe he didn’t consider the fact that maybe the girl he loves has already suffered enough because of him and already deserves to move on, has already moved on. He never asked himself the question, Do I still have a space in her heart?, Does she still think about me and long for me the same way I do for her?, Does she still love me? and Do I still deserve to have her back after everything that she has gone through because of me?. Psh. He’s so stupid. He only thought about himself, about his own happiness.”, I saw a tear fall down from his eyes, but he turned his head to the opposite direction and continued.

“Yeah. He really is inconsiderate, he’s a bastard. So now, he’s making a decision again. Of letting her go and let her be happy. And him, staying away from her. He already hurt her so much once, and his conscience wouldn’t let him do it the second time. He decided that it’s time to think about her happiness rather than his own. He thought that this is karma’s way of slapping him back in the face. Even if he knows that this decision would hurt him so badly, he still thought that, hey, I already had my chance of happiness but I let it go, it’s only fair that the reason for my happiness be happy. *sniff*”, and with that my tears started to stream down.  I know that he’s referring to himself and not to a friend. This guy’s way of letting out his emotion is really weird. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I hugged him from the back.

I felt his hand hold mine and kissed it. His tears were dropping in my hand, which made me cry even more. I tightened my hug, and at the same time, he tightened his grip in my hand. I can hear from his back that he’s already sobbing. I’ve never seen him like this. Yes, I’ve already seen him cry before, but not in this intensity.

We stayed like that for a few minutes and then he spoke again..

“Promise me you’ll be happy again, okay?”, he looked at me and kissed the back of my hands.

I nodded and asked, “Are you really leaving? Where are you going?”. My eyes are still watery, but I looked straight at his almost-swollen eyes.

“I  came back because of you, but I can no longer force us to happen again, so  I have no reason to stay here anymore.”, and again, my tears kept on streaming down.

“Hey. Stop crying. You’ll still see me anyway. Just turn on the tv. And if ever you see me smile, just think of it that those smiles are meant to be  for you, okay? I just won’t keep in touch with you for a short period of time. It would be best for the both of us. If the right time comes, can we still be friends?”, he said as he took my other hand and held them together.

“Of course we can. But like you said, we need time. Just know that I still care for you, okay? Even after all these, I still care for you.”

He held my hand closer to his lips and kissed them, “Just know that I have always loved you.”

We stayed like that for quite some time, and then we decided to head home. Since he was the one who drove me to school this morning, he offered to drive me home.. for the last time. Yes, it was a silent ride, but at the same time, the silence was quite comforting, unlike the one this morning.

I opened the car door and went out of his car. We were staring at each other, trying to permanently print each other’s faces and features in our mind. He managed to give me a smile, then started the engine again.

I extended my hand to him, he accepted and we shook hands. For formality’s sake, and for the final closure that we both deserve.

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Longest update ever~ hope you like it. ^_^