KAI's DIARY

25 May 2014

 After such a long time waiting, I expressed my love to her at last. It was the most embarrassing moment in my life because I’ve never done that before. I don’t hate it but it’s just not my style at all. It was all for Hyunsoo. Two years ago, I’ve never thought I would do this. Not even last night at the concert when everyone chanting my name and EXO. Aigoo Kai aah, your life is totally done by now. You’re totally screw up in love now.

12 July 2014

The concert ended yesterday. This was the last solo concert for EXO this year and it is ended at Taiwan. For these two months, we worked so hard more than before as this is our very first solo concert after debut. I got message from Hyunsoo, she said she missed me a lot. Yes, I miss her so much too. Though we already declared, but nobody knows about us. Our relationship is not like others. We can’t meet frequently, don’t even think of date, never. In fact, after that night (the night when i confess to her on the rooftop) we’d never met again. Our first date is at the morning market. Up till now, no well progress between us. Though I and she know we are a pair of couple.  Luckily Hyunsoo understand me since her oppa is an idol too. I know, she must be dreaming to be going out with her namjachingu and have nice and romantic dates. She is teenager after all

Luckily, Hyunsoo now can read and she can write well too. So Kyungsoo bought her a phone but she uses it to call and message with me.kekeke…  She is really a quick learner. In just a month, she can read and write in Hangul. Now she is learning to be a stylist. Her first step is working in a hair salon. By her message, I know she is really enjoying her job now. I’m glad she already found her dream. I’m so proud of my sweetheart. Though we are rarely meet but every day we will update our activity each other before going to sleep. No matter how tired I am, I must send her at least one message. She always waits for me. Sometimes 2 or 3 times in a week I will call her and we will talk a night long until one of us fell asleep. Usually that person is me. Her voice is like battery that recharged me from all the tiredness. 

We are suppose to back tonight because this morning we got a scheduled of fan meeting with Taiwan’s fans. I can’t wait to meet Hyunsoo. She said tomorrow she will come with halmeoni and fed us. I miss their cooking. They were the best in making Korean food aside from eomma.

25 July 2014

I’m so tired these days. Actually not so tired but maybe I’m in cold and fever so my body became weaker. Maybe because I’m not taking enough rest and medicine so my fever is not cooling down but worst by the day. Today I almost fall from the stage because too much of moving and heat from the lights are making me dizzy and too hot. Luhan hyung quickly hold me tight as he saw my face is so pale and I’m closing my eyes. It’s not like I don’t ask for rest time from CEO but he wouldn’t let me go. I was the main dancer of the group so by hook or by crook I must be on the stage, performing.

Off the stage, I was being madly scolded by seosangnim. It was not my fault! I’ve tried my best on the stage. Suho hyung was the one who stand up for me and apologizing to him. These people are too greed for profit and didn’t care about us at all. This was the one reason why Kris hyung left us. 

26 July 2014

Kyungsoo brings me to his home since I don’t want to back home. I know eomma must be really worried. I just plan to rest at dorm today. This Kyunsoo is really…

Hyunsoo shocked saw me in this condition. I was like a kimchi shallot in front of her. Halmeoni was not in the house because she visited her friend so I just laying down on the coach in the living room. I wake up when I saw Hyunsoo placed down a wet towel on my forehead.

Crap! I didn’t even wear a single makeup at that time! Now she already saw my real bare face. I just feel like cover my face with a blanket but she does her work without care about all that stuff. I mean, she saw my imperfection! I’m not flawless like her. I have acnes all through my face and with the scar itself. How can she not see that all? I don’t have any confidence in myself. I’m always feeling low in front of people. They saw me on stage as a flawless person but it’s totally different on the outside. That’s why I always avoiding fans who wants to take a picture of me. People will say I’m snobbish, arrogant idol but that’s not what I mean. 

Bared face? Hahahaha.. Fans sometimes can be so funny. They are excited saw us at the airport or outside and saying that we aren’t wearing any of makeup. They didn’t know how much work we put in to make our face as natural as possible yet covers all the imperfection. I mean, logically, is there any idol that really dares to show their bare face without any makeup and meet the fans?  We were trained to put on makeup on wherever we go and we already used to live like this.

I don’t want to sleep, I want to keep talking with her but my eyes are so heavy and my body is totally weak so I just sleep and let Hyunsoo do her stuff. When I was waking up from long sleep, I saw her smiling at me and she fed me with food. Yes, today I’m being a normal teenager to his girlfriend, not an idol to his fan. I don’t know I could be so cheesy and cringing over her. I don’t want her to leave my side. Fever changes me a lot. Oh yeah, today she called me Jong~. No one ever called me like this before except for my parents. I love that. Feels so special with her

28 August 2014

Another fight! *sigh*

Today we are going out for a date and this is our second date after 3 months. I thought today we could go out and have a happy time for just two of us. It was so hard to find a suitable date for us to go out because I already cancelled it so many times before because got clash with the schedule. Today, I was so excited and she told me not to wear any make up when we meet. She doesn’t want to date with Kai, but with Kim Jongin. So I just wear high school uniform (yeah, I take it from prop room and buy the school badge from internet). She told me not to wear black glass, instead I should wear nerdy-kind of glass and a hood with cap to cover my colored hair. It was all to cover me from being caught by anyone. I thought it was okay to apply some bb because I really don’t have confidence to gout like this with no makeup at all.

As she saw me, she touches my face and feels it by rubbing her fingers. After that, like always when she upset, she will bloat her baozi cheek and pout. Then she just walks away and cancels our date today. I was totally in confusing and when I ask her why, she said she hates me for being hypocritical about us. I said why and she told me that I don’t need to be Kai to date with her. I was so touched by her honesty. She accepts me well even though I can hardly see my non-makeup face in the mirror. At last I go to the toilet and wash my face. She is so happy and we are going out like other couples, buying street foods, and play together. Oh yeah, we also wears couple shoes. Hahaha…members surely laugh at me when they know about this. It was an upset thing at first but then after I wash, I’m actually comfort being a Kim Jongin. The real me.  

Just two weeks ago, we fought over silly things. She said she’s been approached by someone and she was street casted by him. As soon as I heard her, I just make face and sulked. Yes, she politely refuses since she really dislikes being an entertainer. But my heart feels resent to that man. I mean, she is mine and not for everybody’s. Am I too selfish? I don’t really understand myself.

We fought a lot these days. A lot of upset things happen and sometimes I couldn’t handle my short tempered.  My job is getting busier and Hyunsoo wants me to give more attention to her. It’s hard to be in a relationship. Really, really hard.

p/s : I know readers must want to know what is really in Kai mind. After all, i just make Hyunsoo and my POV. Tbh, it's really difficult to read guy's mind you know and i did'nt know Kai well. This time,  i just decide to do it after i read some articles about him so i'll try to fit with Kai's character as an idol :)

i've been thinking for these in the bus and i can't really make anything except for make it done because my mind can't focused on other thing before i finish this chapter