Chapter 6

I told Jessica everything about GD, his temper and how he’s been beating me for the past few weeks. I told her about my sessions with Dr. Boa and how I’ve had to keep so many things about my life a secret. Jessica sat there stunned and speechless but I couldn’t blame her. She kept asking me why I stayed with him. I couldn’t answer. I stayed with him because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t think anyone could love me since Sehun wasn’t around. I told Jessica that GD did love me but she told me love shouldn’t be that way. We both cried as she held me. She told me how stupid I was for being with him and not telling anyone. She begged me to go to the doctors but I told her I was okay and didn’t want to deal with anyone or have my dad find out. I hated lying to her. It was painful to breathe.

“Taeyeon, I will be here for you no matter what.” She gives me a reassuring smile and holds me while I cry. 

“It’ll be ok. Come on let’s watch a movie and get your mind off this crap and that .”

“Okay.” My whole body goes limp. I can’t cry anymore. My eyes are puffy and my head is pounding. Jessica gives me a bottle of cold water. I hold it to my face and lay back down on my bed. I did it. I am free of GD. I hope that everything will be ok now.

Jessica pops in the movie and we get comfortable on my bed. It’s good to have her here with me, I feel safe. There’s a huge weight that’s off my shoulders. I feel guilty and miss GD. He used to sleep on the side Jessica is lounging, I ask her for another pillow, his pillow. I breathe in his scent and start to cry again. The movie starts and I fall right to sleep.

Morning comes and I wake up to a beautiful sunrise. Its six o’clock and I feel a little better. I look over and notice that Jessica isn’t there. I feel a little sad but figure she has class this morning. I’m still in bed as I touch my face and stomach. I’m still in pain from last night. I close my eyes and try to think about the other night. I can’t get GD's face out of my head. I feel like calling him and telling him how sorry I am. I grab my phone as it vibrates on my nightstand, thinking it could be Jessica checking on me, but instead I see a message from GD.

GD: If you tell anyone anything I will kill you. You don’t know what I am capable of Taeyeon. You will be mine again even if I have to drag you back. No one leaves me do you understand? Get your together! Be the good girlfriend that you’re supposed to be. Do I make myself clear?

I throw my phone on the floor and cry. I start hyperventilating and am hysterically looking around my room, he has a key to my room. He can come in any time and hurt me again. I make a quick call to campus security for them to change the locks on my door. They let me know it will be done today and not to worry. How easy for them to say, they haven’t been through my hell. I’m such a fool. I honestly want my life to be back to normal. I resent myself, I let this go too far. No more though. I can’t risk my own happiness or my life. How could I think we would be ok? He’s not going to change. Nothing will change. How can I make sure he stays out of my life?”

I stay in bed for a few more hours before deciding it’s time to get up. I get my phone from the floor and put it on my desk when I notice a note Jessica has left me.

"I’m here for you if you ever need me. Don’t shut me out. I love you!"
BFF

I smile as I put the note back down. I know she wants to be here for me but I can’t drag her into this mess with GD. I don’t want her getting hurt too.

I lift up my shirt and look at my stomach. There’s a slight yellow and purple bruise. It’s fairly big and when I touch it, I flinch at how sensitive it is. I walk over to my desk and pick up the picture frame of GD and me. How did everything change? A single tear falls from my eye. The GD who stole my heart isn’t here anymore. I put the picture frame in the garbage. Today is a new day and I need to get rid of all the negativity. I brush away thoughts of GD and get ready. I have to keep telling myself this isn’t my fault. I sit back on my bed and slowly count to ten. I let out a breath and open my eyes. I’m here. I’m alive. I need to be stronger. Better. I can do this.

I get up from my bed and look at my reflection in the mirror. “Kim Taeyeon, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile. Kim Taeyeon, open your eyes and start living your life.” Wow that feels good to say out. 

I throw on a  guess yellow hoodie and my black yoga pants. I look at myself in the mirror and promise myself that I’ll learn how to be happy. I put on my sneakers and head out of my room for a long walk so I can get things in perspective. The walk is soothing and helps me clear my mind. I don’t want to be anywhere near GD but getting an order of protection won’t do anything for me. It’s a piece of paper that no one cares about enforcing. His parents will bail him out of jail anyway. I feel like I can’t ever be alone or else GD will get his way. I’m in my own world when I hear a sweet and loving voice behind me. 

“Good morning.” My heart goes crazy and I start to sweat. This isn’t good. I have to say something, this time, anything to him.

I whip my head to him. “Morning,” I casually say. He looks so y with his nike sweat pants and red hoodie. His thick dark brown hair is messy and I just want to run my hands through it.

“I heard you had dinner with Kris last night. How was it?” He winks at me and I melt. I miss him. This is how I should feel. I want Sehun back.

“It was so fun!” I sound a little too happy and tell myself to be cool.

“We talked for a little and he ate my food.” I nervously laugh.

“How’ve you been?” We stop walking and I turn to him to get a better look in his eyes. I remember his eyes and how calm I would feel every time I looked at him. I can’t explain why he makes me feel this way but I don’t care, I love how he makes me feel. I love him.

“Good, real good, and yourself?” He smiles at me again. I can look at his smile every day for the rest of my life. I want to promise him so much. Our friendship means the world to me and I hope that when we do become friends again, that relationship will turn to us being lovers. He’ll always be my best friend. The distance and time doesn’t matter. He’s back for a reason and now it’s my time to take charge.  

“I’m ok.” I look up and see him staring at me. “What are you looking at?” I laugh.

Sehun shakes his head and runs his hand through his brown hair.

“Nothing, I’m glad I decided to come to this school."

I touch his arm and smile. “I’m glad you decided to come here too.” We continue walking toward my dorm in silence. I like being around Sehun because he’s easy going and the silence between us isn’t awkward. Even though we still have so much to talk about, nothing seems out of place. I don’t want to bring up the past since it’s done and over with. We can’t change anything that’s happened but instead we can build a stronger present and future. When we get to my dorm, I turn around to face Sehun. 

“Thanks for walking with me today. It was fun.”

Sehun smiles and gently takes my hand. “I hope we can see each other soon. Have a good day, Tae.”

“You too Sehun,” We look at each other for a few seconds and then he turns to walk away. I want to run up to him and hold him in my arms but I can’t bring myself to do that. Time will bring us back together and I have to have faith. I get back to my dorm and grab the photo album on my desk. I flip through the pages and look at the ones of Sehun and me. I remember each of these moments with him-us in junior prom, getting our driver’s licenses, birthday parties and holiday gatherings. Now it’s time to make new memories. I slowly close the album and make a mental promise to myself that I won’t mess up anything with Sehun. After a few moments, I grab my towel and shower kit and head for the shower.

***

I don’t have classes today, but Dr. Heechul sent an email to all of us to meet at one o’clock for an important announcement. I change into my guess skinny jeans and a sweater. I sit on the floor in front of my long length mirror and apply some make up. I check my phone and see a text from Jessica.

Jessica: Just checking up on you babe. I hope you’re ok. Sorry I had to leave this morning but we’ll talk tonight. xoxo forever Jessica!

I smile at her message.

Me: Thanks Jessica, I owe you so much but I’m ok.

Jessica: You don’t ever owe me anything. Just promise me you’ll stay away from GD.

Me: I promise.

Jessica: K good. I love you!

Me: I love you too!

I put down my phone and finish putting on my makeup. It’s still pretty early and I don’t have anything else to do. I get my phone again and call Tiffany . The phone rings twice and she answers.

“Morning gorgeous, what’s up?” Her voice is always upbeat and I envy her a little bit. She is able to overcome the negative aspects of life and enjoy living. I don’t want to keep feeling dead inside or deal with all the demons around me.

“Hey! I just wanted to say hi and see if you’re around.”

“Oh no, I’m not! I’m sorry but I think dads nearby. You ok?"

The worry in her voice makes me sad. I don’t want her to think anything’s wrong. 

“Yeah, yeah no worries, I don’t have classes today and wanted to hang out.”

“I’m sorry baby but today’s a bad day. Why don’t you and GD come over for dinner this weekend?”

Ugh GD I thought. “We broke up Tiffany.”

“Tae, what happened?” The concern in her voice makes me nervous. I don’t want to lie to her but she doesn’t deserve to worry about me. She has enough on her plate. I can handle this.

I sigh into the phone. “We just haven’t been getting along and it was time to break up.”

“Are you okay though?” Tiffany asks.

I get up from the floor and grab my chanel purse. “Yeah I’m fine, no worries.” I walk out of my room and take the elevator down. “It feels good to be on my own.”

“That’s the spirit,” Tiffany laughs.

I get outside and instantly feel better. 

“Alright love, I’m going to get some things done but I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

“I love you too Tae. Talk to you later.”

I hang up with Tiffany and decide to call my dad for breakfast.

We agree to meet in thirty minutes at the cafe near campus. The walk to the cafe isn’t too bad. I find a booth in the corner and get settled in, waiting for my dad to get her. I want to see him and ask for advice. My dad means the world to me. When my mom died, he took over everything and even though it was hard, he never gave up. I admire his strength. After ending my friendship with Sehun and Kris, he tried to do everything possible to make me see how I was overreacting. Needless to say, it didn’t work but his words stuck with me.

"Taeyeon, never forget the ones who touched your life and who you keep in your heart.”

The cafe's quiet today. I sink into the booth and think about what’s been going on with Sehun and Kris. It kills me knowing that he’s back and I’m still on the fence with him. I want things to be normal again, but that might be too much to ask for. I’m not really sure what the right thing is, but I know I want to be better. I want to be stronger and be the person I know I can be.

The door opens and my dad comes in. He sees me in the booth and smiles. I look at him and think how lucky I am. I get up and give him a hug, 

“hi Dad.”

“He lets me go and we sit down, “Hi sweetie. This is a nice surprise. How are you?”

“I’m good, just tired. Today’s the meeting with Dr. Heechul and I have a feeling he’s announcing who they have chosen for the positions.”

My dad’s face lights up and I can tell he’s hiding his excitement. “Well I sure hope you get it sweetie. You deserve only the best.”

I smile. We look through the menu and decide on a light meal. Dad walks up to the counter and orders two of everything coffee, cupcakes and muffins.

The conversation is nice. I listen to him talk about work and his upcoming travel plans. He wants to go to other countries and open clinics to help those in need. I’m happy for him and want to help him out, but Tiffany’s going to be his travel companion. A part of me is jealous, but I have to finish school and if I get the position at Lunatic, all my time will be there.

We’re eating our cupcake and I decide to tell him about GD. 

“Dad, I broke up with GD.”

His eyes give me an odd stare. “Honey what’s wrong? I thought you guys were good.”

I shrug my shoulders and slump in my chair. I take another bite of my cupcake and play with the spoon. We were good. Now he uses me as a punching bag and I can’t let him do that anymore. I want to tell him that. I just can’t. I can’t break his heart. 

“We aren’t good anymore and it’s time to move on.”

Instead of pushing for more details, he sits there and smiles. I try and read what he’s thinking but can’t figure it out. He drinks his coffee and shakes his head. “Whatever makes you happy.”

I think about what he says. Something so simple has such a profound meaning and impact. I need to do whatever makes me happy. Being with GD doesn’t make me happy. It shouldn’t be a hard feat. Being happy is essential. I think I need to stop over thinking everything and just live but something is gnawing at me. There’s something brewing and I can’t seem to figure it out.”

We finish our breakfast and head out with my dad’s arm around my shoulders. “Dad thanks for having breakfast with me.” I give him a hug and hold on a little tighter.

“Anytime Taeyeon, you know that.” He kisses me on the head and looks at me. 

“Promise me something?”

“Sure.”

He breathes in, “Be happy for you and no one else. “

I laugh, “Alright Dad. Love you.”

“Love you too Princess.”

***

I walk back to campus and head toward the gym to see if Sehun is there. I look around to make sure I’m alone. I hate that I need to watch where I’m going. I need to let GD’s control over me go. This is a new start to my life. I need to start with a clean slate and do what makes me happy. I tell myself that this is what needs to be done in order to live and get what I want.

I get to the doors of the gym and take a deep breath. I peek inside and I don’t see him. I feel like a creeper. I turn back and decide to go to my meeting in the Dr. Heechul building. I see Sehun walking and I freeze. I want to call out to him but he looks like he’s in a hurry. The sight of him makes me weak in my knees and it’s hard to breathe. The feelings of longing and want speed through my body and mind. Memories flood through of our days and nights together. Each day that passes, I feel closer to him. I watch him as he walks into the gym with his black shorts and yellow long sleeve shirt.

The sobs build up in my chest as I imagine reaching out for him to save me. He’s it for me. Just his presence makes me weak inside and breathless. I bury my face in my hands and feel each sob release from my body. I just want him. I want to talk to him and tell him how sorry I am for everything. Enough is enough. I will not go another day without him. 

When I look up, I see Kris looking over at me. I wonder how long he’s been standing there. He walks over to me and brings me into his arms. I sigh and let the tears fall again. As he my back he asks, 

“When are you going to open your eyes Tae?”

The question makes me think. “I want him back Kris.” My face is on his chest. I need to know he feels the same way before I can risk my heart again. I take in a deep breath. Kris pulls away from me and looks down. 

“Then tell him.”

“I know and I am. Thanks for being here.” I get up on my tippy toes and kiss his cheek. “I miss my best friends. Please don’t tell Sehun yet. I want to take things slow because messing up isn’t an option.”

He blushes. “I miss you too Tae. No more running and I won’t say anything.” We hug again and go our separate ways after I assure him I’m okay.