Chapter 4

Taeyeon

After my talk with Jessica, I head over to the counseling center for my session with Dr. Boa. She’s been my counselor since my first year and I’m healing because of her. She has been a great supporter and helps me through the darkness that I call life, which has been like a roller coaster with all the twists and turns and the change of speed. She’s been a great supporter and helps me through the darkness. She encourages me to write and to make small goals so it’s easier to achieve. She knows when to push me for answers and when to back off. At first, the idea of seeing her didn’t sit well with me but after our first session I knew seeing her on a weekly basis would help. It’s nice to have someone in your corner and who believes in you. She’s patient and understanding but can be pushy. I hate when she pushes me but in the long run I know it’ll help me be a better person.

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket. When I look at who’s calling, I see that it’s GD. I take a deep breath before answering my phone. 

“Hi GD!” I try to sound happy that we’re talking. I need him to believe that I’m happy to hear from him.

“Hey babe. How’s your day going?”

I stop in front of the counseling center and make sure no one’s around me. He can’t know I see Dr. Boa. If he ever finds out, I shudder at the thought. I don’t want to know what he would do. 

“It’s good! I just got to the hospital to visit my dad. How’s your day?”

I hear him laughing on the other line. Why is he laughing? I’m frantically looking around to make sure he’s not around me and that his friends don’t see me. I pull my hoodie up over my head and keep my head down. 

“It’s been good babe. I just got done with class. My bio classes got cancelled so I’m going to hit the gym before dinner. Don’t be late. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I know I miss you GD. I can’t wait to see you too! Oh my dad is done so I’ll see you in a few hours! I love you!”

“Love you too babe.”

I wait to see that the call has ended before putting it back in my pocket. I let out a heavy sigh. This is getting bad. I need to keep GD in the dark about everything. He can’t know that I see Dr. Boa or I hang out with Jessica. I’m glad he buys the fact I’m with my dad. He hates all of my friends especially Jessica. He controls everything in my life. He’ll never let me go and it scares me to think what he’s capable of. It takes me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and to shake him off.

I open the door and walk in. The counseling center is pretty quiet today. I see that her office door is open, I go right in. 

“Hi Dr. Boa.”

“Taeyeon, hello dear, have a seat.” 

Dr. Boa looks up from her laptop and smiles.

“How are you?”

I sit down on the plushy sofa. “I don’t know where to start.”

She walks over to the chair in front of me and sits down. I see her place her notepad and pen on her knee as she studies me. I hate when she does this. I know she’s trying to see if I’m lying or holding something back.

"What's going on, Taeyeon?"

I throw my head back and let out a sigh. “I don’t know. I mean GD and I have been dating for a few months but he’s been acting so weird lately. He’ll tell me what I need to do and tries to control everything in my life. One day when I was studying, he came to my dorm and made me get ready so we could work out. I was exhausted! I tried telling him no but he got mad and freaked out on me.” 

I feel comfortable telling Dr. Boa everything. There’s something familiar about her that draws me to her. In some ways, she reminds me of my mom. The look in her eyes when I talk makes me think about how my mom would look at me whenever I was sad. 

“I know he’s been stressed out with school and the team, but seriously? Then last week he freaked out on me because I couldn’t bring his sneakers to practice.”

She writes in her notebook as I talk. Dr. Boa leans back in her chair and looks at me. 

“How does this make you feel?”

“Mad. I mean come on I was in class, you know. It’s like he doesn’t get me or understand anything!” 

I watch as Dr. Boa listens to me. I get up and pace the room. My arms are waving around and I can’t stop talking. 

“I try and do whatever I can to make him happy. The first few weeks we were fine, so happy! I thought I was falling in love with him, Doc. I mean he was a perfect gentleman and then he tells me he wants to take things further and I’m not ready!” 

I sit back down and breathe; it’s all I can do. A small smile forms on her face. 

“Why are you trying so hard to make him happy? Why not make yourself happy? Taeyeon you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. Put yourself before others.”

I’m not sure how to be truly happy. I want to get rid of all the drama in my life but I can’t let it go. 

“I don’t know how to make myself happy. GD used to be a good boyfriend. He would spoil me and treat me like a princess.” 

I put my head down and think about the beginning of GD and me.

“He treated me so well and used to love spending time with me. Friday nights would be our date nights. We’d go to different restaurants and try out new foods. He’d hold my hand and always wanted to know how my day was or what I was doing. The love notes he used to leave around my room and the random presents made me happy. I thought GD was perfect but then he changed and now I’m stuck. Dr. Boa stops writing and looks at me.

“Taeyeon those are material things. What does your heart tell you?”

Without thinking I say, “My heart wants Sehun.” 

He’s the one for me. He’s the only one who knows me and he’s the only one who understands. But I don’t have him anymore. My heart starts racing and I start sweating. I hate when this happens. I lean my head back on the sofa and do my breathing exercise. I slowly count to ten and breathe in through my nose and let it out through my mouth. I do this a few times. Dr. Boa doesn’t bother me or encourage me. She sits there and watches me to make sure I don’t storm out. This is one of the reasons why I come to see her. She knows me. It helps when I feel anxious and upset. 

“Ok. I feel better.”

“Good Taeyeon. I’m glad you were able to work through your anxiety. Tell me more about Sehun.”

“What’s there to say? He’s back. We pass each other and say hi. We smile at each other but I can’t talk to him. I’m so scared.”

“If you want to know what’ll happen then you need to take that leap of faith. If you sit there and assume, you’ll never know. Taeyeon, life is all about taking chances even if you’re scared. Do you want to live a life full of regret?”

I shake my head, twirling my fingers. I don’t know what to say. I shrug my shoulders. “I get what you’re telling me but I don’t know how to be happy when it comes to Sehun.”

We sit there in silence for a few moments. Another part of the session I hate. Dr. Boa breaks the uncomfortable silence and starts to talk. 

“Then you need to figure out what’s best for you Taeyeon, not anyone else.” 

I listen to what she’s saying and realize I need to take action with my life but how can I do that? 

“We’ve been seeing each other for a few years now and you’ve achieved so much throughout our time together. I am so proud of you and what you’ve done but your relationship with GD is concerning me.” 

Dr. Boa leans forward and takes my hand. “Taeyeon, you need to find your own way, you need to find a way to be happy. If GD isn’t making you happy and you’re scared then I think you know what to do.”

“I know. The thought of being alone scares me. We’re like every couple you know? We fight and then we make up. Isn’t that normal?” 

Whenever I’m alone, the nightmares come. I dream about my mom’s death and how everything is my fault. All my dreams are about losing someone I love. It’s nerve wrecking and keeps me up all hours of the night. I’m on medication to help me sleep and it helps but there are still nights when I wake up sweating. GD usually spends the night with me in hopes that I will have with him. We fight about me not being ready and I want him to understand that emotionally I can’t handle it. Sometimes he understands and other times, well, he doesn’t.

I see her mind turning as she tries to figure out what to say. 

“To an extent it is. You’re not alone Taeyeon. You have your family and friends. You know you can call me anytime, day or night.”

I shrug my shoulders and look away. “I know but I hate depending on people. These are my issues not anyone else’s.”

Dr. Boa smiles, “But your loved ones want to be here for you. They want to see you successful and strong. Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“Yeah I guess."

“Don’t let anyone treat you badly Taeyeon or tell you otherwise. You need to be strong. I know you can do this.” Dr. Boa's positive words really help me but I still can’t shake off what eats away at me. The secrets I hide and bury deep inside. I can’t let them come out. I start to sigh and watch my thoughts fly away. She doesn’t ask me more about GD. No one can know the horrifying side of GD. I can’t seem to find the answer to anything and nothing seems to make sense. 

“I know.”

“Talk to GD and figure that out first Taeyeon. Once you do that then try and talk to Sehun and rebuild that friendship. You never know until you try.”

I carefully take in what she says and wonder if I should just talk to him. We talk more about my relationship with GD. I don’t go into full details about his temper and how he uses me as his punching bag. He takes out his anger on me and I let him. At first, I’d try and stop him or talk to him but that only made it worse. Now I let him hit me. It’s not too bad anymore. A few punches to my body and he’ll push me against the wall. Sure I know it’s not right but I don’t know what else to do. If I leave him he’ll lose it and drag me back. There’s no escaping freaking Kwon Jiyong. 

The last time he hit me flashed in my mind. He freaked out on me and called me a because I didn’t want to go out. GD wanted to take me with him but I was tired from school. I had three essays due and I needed to study for two tests. I kept telling GD to go ahead without me but apparently, that answer wasn’t good enough for him. He went on and on about how I was being lame and a . He accused me of doing things on purpose to hold him back. I sat there quietly while he ranted. I couldn’t defend myself and I felt little small around him. It was not fair that he treated me this way when I didn’t do anything wrong and even if I did, he has no right to do what he does. When I ignored him, he came at me with his fist. I touched my cheek and remembered how sore it was after he was finished. He looked at me and told me to stop acting like a child and to grow up. There were a few more times when that happened, but GD got smarter and hit me where no one would see the bruises. I wanted to leave, to do anything to get out but he always apologized after and I believed him. I wanted to tell someone but he told me if I said anything, he would kill me and I believed him. In my heart, I knew GD had it in him to cause more harm, which scared me to no end.
I simply sit there with a distant expression on my face. 

“Breathe Taeyeon. Just like that..."

I listen to her soothing voice. “I’m ok,” I say this over and over again. I need to tell myself I’ll be ok, that everything is ok. My body finally calms and I feel better. I feel safe in her office.

“Good Taeyeon. Just remember to try and keep an open and positive mind. Whenever you are feeling anxious or upset, I want you to write. Don’t stop writing until you feel better. Take a step back and breathe. Remember to find your own happiness Taeyeon.”

We finish up our session and I give her a hug before leaving. I don’t have any more classes today but GD wants to meet at a restaurant in town. It’s a little after five o’clock and I decide to go to the restaurant from Dr. Boa's office.

I get to the restaurant and text GD to let him know that I’m here. The hostess greets me at the door and leads me to the booth in the corner. There are not too many people here and it’s nice to be alone.

“Enjoy your dinner. Your server will be with you in a moment.” She smiles and walks away.

“Thank you,” I respond. I open the menu and look through my options. I’m dieting and working out a lot thinking it would help GD treat me better. I’m not unhappy with how I look, I like my curvy and petite body but I want to feel tone and fit. I’m craving chicken pasta but I immediately think about what GD would want me to order and quickly settle on a salad with soup. I close the menu and pull out my phone to see if there’s a text from him. No response yet.

“Hi, welcome to La Delicy. My name is Kangin and I will be your server this evening. Would you like something to drink?” 

I look up and see the tall and good looking waiter. He looks nice.

“Just Ice lemon tea please,” I order.

“Not a problem, be right back.” He said with such sweetness. I turn back to my phone and dial GD’s number. The phone rings a few times before he answers. 

“What?”

I can’t believe how rude he sounds. “Um hi, where are you?” I keep a cheery voice in hopes not to make him mad. He said he likes to hear me happy and when I’m sad, it just makes him mad.

“Why?” His loud voice scares me to the point where I almost drop my phone.

“Well you told me to meet you at Delicy’s for dinner and I’m here.” 

I get nervous and start stuttering my words. “Do-do you want me to order you anything?”

There’s silence on the other end and I wonder where the hell he is. “Just have dinner without me. I’m busy at the gym.” 

Before I can answer he hangs up. I slam my phone on the table and feel the anger run through me. I didn’t do anything wrong!

The waiter comes back again with my water. “Here you go.”

“Are you ready to order?”

“Just a chicken salad with no dressing and the mushroom soup please,” I quietly tell him.

He jots down my order and takes my menu. “No problem and please let me know if you need anything.” He smiles at me before leaving.

I think about how I’m going to break up with GD. Every scenario I play in my head ends badly. He doesn’t take rejection well and I know that leaving him will cause problems.

The salad and soup come out within a few minutes and I eat in silence. It feels weird being here alone and I’m beginning to hate GD with each forkful of food. I put my fork down and lean back against the booth and close my eyes. Sehun comes to mind. He’s the one my only one. Right when I open my eyes to finish my soup, I look up and see Kris coming toward me. What the hell is going on? First Sehun and now Kris, I wish I never came here tonight. I’m not ready for this.

Sehun’s parents adopted Kris when he was eight after his parents died in a car accident. We were all best friends until that night I went to their house making a scene. Kris was a big part of my life and I missed him, but his pained expression was frozen in my mind from the night I ended our friendship.

“Hey Tae,” Kris stands next to me. His voice is upbeat and happy. “Can I sit here?” He asks pointing to the opposite side of the booth. He looks happy to see me, which is weird. I look around the restaurant before I answer him. No one can see Kris sitting here with me. I sink lower in the booth and try to hide. Kris gives me a weird look before he sits down. I didn’t think he would want to talk to me. I feel panicky all of a sudden. I see the smile on his face and it starts to bother me. 

“What’s up Kris?”

He looks at me again. “Nothing I saw you here and wanted to say hi. Where’s GD?”

I shrug, “He stood me up.”

His left eyebrow shoots up. “Wow I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok Kris, really.” I try not to sound weird. My hands start to get clammy and I feel nervous. I hear the door open and quickly look up to see who came in. Good not GD or any of his friends.

Kris touches my hand and I jerk it away. “Hey what’s wrong?”

I look down again, “Oh no-nothing. GD...he um gets kind of jealous when I’m with friends.” I feel ashamed that I’m telling him this.

“Do you want me to go?”

I hope I’m making the right decision. “No please stay.”

“Ok good. It’s been a while and I want to see how you’re doing. You look really good.”

This is uncomfortable. Should I ask him why he’s here? “Thanks”

“Kris, you do too.” I pause and think about what to say next. Hopefully we can make conversation and not sit here in an awkward silence. “Hey! You played great last week. Fifteen points, not bad!”

Kris laughs. I miss his laugh. I miss him. “Thanks Tae. It was a good game but GD has been riding our asses lately. Want to tell your boyfriend to chill?” He says still laughing.

I shake my head. “I don’t think he’d like that too much.” My voice gets soft and I look away.

He immediately takes my hand and it surprises me. His warm touch makes me feel a little better. “Hey if I said anything wrong I’m sorry. I was only kidding about telling that to GD.” 

I can tell he’s starting to feel bad. My expression softens and I hold his hand tighter. “No no don’t worry. We’re just not getting along but its fine.” I don’t want Kris to worry about me so I play it off as if it really isn’t anything. 

“Want some of my salad and soup?” I slide the plate and bowl over to him.

“Thanks I’m hungry.” Kris starts eating. I watch him eat and wonder what is going on in that head of his.

“So, Sehun said he saw you today.” He looks up at me smiling.

“Yeah,” I look down again. I hate that they talk about me. I’m curious to know what they’ve been saying about me. How is it in one day I get both Sehun and Kris? I want to think this is the start of our friendship again. I want them both back in my life. I want to feel complete and whole. I think about Sehun again. I think about his smile and how I feel when he’s nearby. I want him back.
 
“Alright so what did he tell you?”

“He said you just stared at him.” Kris laughs loudly. “Couldn’t say anything?”

“Stop,” I throw a piece of bread at him and pout my lips. This is so embarrassing. What else does Kris know?

“It wasn’t like that!”

“Yeah ok,” Kris finishes eating and looks at me with tender eyes. “You know he misses you right? We both do.” 

He tilts his head to the side while looking at me. His eyes become soft and he gives me a look letting me know how he’s feeling. Kris and I have a connection that most people search their whole lives for. It’s not a romantic connection, but, we just understand one another without saying a word.

“He never came after me.” Oh crap. Kris’s eyes grow threatening and I know he’s mad. I look away. I can’t stand when he looks at me like that.

“He wanted to Tae. You don’t get it.” 

He slides the plate and bowl away and reaches for my hand. “Why do you think we’re back? You need to accept that someone loves you. He wants to be with you. Just talk to him.”

Kris captures my attention. “What do you mean? If he wants me then he’ll come after me Kris. We pass each other all the time but he doesn’t stop and talk to me.”

Kris darts his eyes toward me. “Women are so dense sometimes. He gave you space Tae but now he’s back. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

I think about what he says. I’m still in love with Sehun and now that he’s back, my love for him only grows. I do want him to know what’s in my heart. I want to look him in the eyes and have him touch my heart. I want him to feel my emotions.  Maybe Kris’s right. 

“I don’t know.” I respond not looking at him.

“Whatever Tae, you’re the one that’s being unfair.”

As our eyes meet, I squeeze his hand again and smile. We stay like this for a few moments. It’s nice to have him around. Kris gets up to leave. “Thank you for sharing your dinner with me Tae, but I got to get going.” 

He smiles, “Please think about what I said. It was good seeing you. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“You too Kris,” I watch him leave and slump in the booth. I’m utterly shocked and pinch myself to make sure I’m awake and not dreaming. The server comes back, “Can I get the check please?”

“Oh your boyfriend,” he points toward the door Kris just walked out of, “He paid for it all, so no worries.” He gives me a smile and walks away. I giggle at the word boyfriend but I didn’t correct him. It doesn’t surprise me that Kris paid for dinner tonight. I smile to myself and start to relax. Does it mean we’re ok again? He’s right. Sehun's back and now we have the chance to try and rebuild our friendship.

I get my Chanel purse and walk out of the restaurant. The sun is beginning to set. The colors of red, orange, yellow and light purple light the sky. I love watching sunsets. It’s peaceful and helps me unwind. I walk slowly back to campus as my mind thinks about Sehun and everything Kris said. If Sehun still loves me, does that mean he’ll tell me or show me? Do I have to make the first move? All of these questions crush my mind and a headache comes on. I need advice now! I pull out my phone and call Jessica.

“Hey girl what’s up?” Her cheerful voice makes me laugh.

“Hey. So I just had dinner with Kris since GD stood me up.” I know Jess’s going to freak out and give me more to think about.

“Whoa! What?” Jessica screams. I continue walking back to campus.

“Yep, Jessica, he told me that Sehun loves me and came back for me!”

“No freaking way! Tae! That’s incredible. You know what this means right?”

I immediately stop. I can’t. There’s no way I can make the first move.

“What?” I quietly ask.

“You need to break up and get your man! Or at least get him back as a friend. Do something, anything!”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t? Are you going to live in your room and block out everyone? You need to live your life. Life is all about taking chances Taeyeon. Stop being a little and get moving!”

She's right. I know she’s right. I have to start living my life. I can’t hide anymore. If I don’t do this I’ll lose him again and I can’t have a life without him. I want to make it up to him. “Maybe you’re right."

“I’m always right! When you gonna start listening to me?” She giggles.

“Yes you are,” amusement in my tone, “alright I’m back on campus.”

“Do you want to hang out tonight?”

I wish I could be a normal girl and have a girl’s night, but GD hates it. He can go out and have fun but he wants me to stay behind unless I’m by his side. I can’t wait for this to be over. “GD’s coming over tonight. I’m sorry.” I feel bad for ditching my best friend.

“Taeyeon...” Jessica starts to say.

“I know I know! I need to figure this all out. Can we talk later?”

“Yeah no problem honey, just call me later.”

“Ok I will.” I hang up with Jessica and make it to my room. My mind keeps thinking about GD and Sehun. I start to compare both of them and Sehun always wins out. My face scrunches and a sharp pain hits my chest. I hate not having him in my life. I want him to know how sorry I am. I can’t stay away anymore. 

I feel my phone vibrate in my purse. I pull it out of my bag and look at the caller ID. GD. I don’t want to answer the phone but I know that if I ignore him, we will fight so to avoid confrontation I pick up his call. “Hi,” is all I can say.

“Hey babe, sorry about earlier, you caught me off guard. I lost track of time and forgot about our date.”

How can he sound so upbeat and happy after talking to me like I mean nothing to him? “It’s ok GD. Am I going to see you tonight? Are you going to sleep over?” I have to hide how I really feel. I can’t say anything or let him know how upset I am.

“Yeah babe I’m in your room waiting for you.”

His voice is seductive and full of want. I’m not in the mood to do that to him. I hate it. I hate him.