I'm sitting here with a loss of words. I've always been someone who could come up with things to say at a whim, besides that's a part of being an idol. You have to be charismatic, but right now, staring at the man across the living room from me, who wont even give me a second glance, I can't think of anything to say to him although there is so much inside me that needs to come out. But how, how do I let him know it was all a misunderstanding without him thinking I'm just making excuses?

Most of all I still haven't come to terms with the situation. I always imagined  Eli being someone that I liked from afar, never had I imagined that he could possibly like me back. It didn't make sense, he's handsome, a man of men how can he like someone like me? And he knows about the other men...what does he think of me now? I'm dirty. U-kisses perfect leader is actually a lecherous namja who spends his free time having one night stands, but that's not me!

I only did it to be a responsible leader. How could I even think about dragging Eli into a scandal like this? It was easy at first, ignoring my feelings for him, but being with him so much and seeing different sides of him that fans don't get to see, it became too much for me. It was either I was going to do something really stupid to or with Eli or go out with other men whom I didn't care if their reputation was ruined or not. Besides if I was found out, I could be easily replaced U-kiss doesn't need a leader like me, but I couldn't live with destroying Eli's career too.

"Ani." I shake my head, how could I even think about bringing this up to Eli. Like he said I should never bring it up to him, ever.

Of course I should have realized that this wasn't going to be easy. Soohyun was everywhere how did I expect to avoid him when we were friends and bandmates. Of course I had to socialize with him because if I didn't then people would start to think there was something wrong, then they would ask questions, and I know that I would eventually slip up and say something I shouldn't.

So I was nice to him while cameras rolled and ignored him when we finally settled into a dorm. It was easier, but not easy. I could feel him looking at me always. I knew he wanted to say something to me but I didn't want to hear it. I knew what he was going to say and I didn't want to hear it because I could already hear it now, "Yes Eli, I like men but you aren't my type." Because if I was wouldn't he have already tried to hit on me?

I dared to look up from the show I pretended to watch and looked over at him. He was sitting on the loveseat across from me next to Hoon in his sweat pants and night shirt. He looked at the same screen but I could tell he wasn't paying attention. He looked worried and upset. I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to worry about me, I'd never tell his secret. 

He finally glanced over at me and his eyes seemed to glisten, his face soften and his lips started to part as if he seemed hopeful or wanted to say something. I couldn't tell with Soohyun anymore. I barely seemed to know him anymore, but I guess he must think the same about me. I mean I did just my confession onto him literally. For all he knew I was that experienced american boy from D.C.

And I was that boy, but that's not who I am anymore, not since Soohyun changed me. He taught me many things about growing up that he probably hasn't realized, he was practically like a brother too me untill I realized my attraction to him and finally my feelings. He's always kind and caring to all of us and yet I treated him like that. I said things and did things to someone so special to me. I treated him with no respect like he was a stranger to me.

And why, because I was jealous? Because that man had his hands all over someone I loved and to him Soohyun was just another man. He didn't appreciate Soohyun and yet it was Soohyun who was punished. "Mianhe.." I whispered to him, who was still staring at me and excused myself from movie night. 

"What's up with Eli he's been acting weird?" Hoon asks me quietly but the others chime in. "I'm going to go check on him." Kiseop says but I stop him, "No I got this." I get up before anyone can say anything and they go back to watching their movie. 'Mianhe' I'm sure that is what he had whispered to me. I reach the door to his room and tap on it ligtly, "Kyoungjae..." I call out quietly but he doesn't answer. Instead of waiting I slid inside and shut the door behind me. He was just sliding on his sleeping shirt when I called his name again.

He jumped at the sound of my voice and turned around quickly with his shirt half on. I had seen him many times before with less clothes on but under new circumstances I blushed. I looked up to meet his eyes and I saw something, "Have you been crying?" I say out loud. "If I tell you I wasn't you wouldn't believe me anyways." He replied. 

"Look Eli, I'm sorry-" 

"Didn't I tell you before I don't need to hear it, I already know how you feel!" Eli fired out before I could finish what I was going to say.

"No Eli I don't think you do." I said trying to convey all my feelings into those words without seeming upset with him. "Eli..." I say as I let myself fall against his bedroom door. I deeply inhale and I let the words escape when I exhaled. "Eli, I like you.." I say staring up at the ceiling, "I really do and I know it's irresponsible of me but-" Eli's arms wrapped around me and pulled me up off the floor. 

With his face pressed into my chest he swung me around and then gently layed me on the bed. When I saw his face again he was smiling so brightly. "Hyung...really?" He asked excitedly. "Neh...really!" I exaggerate and he squeezes me again. He nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck and inhales deeply. "This...this is all mine now." He whispers in a matter-of-fact tone and I can't help but smile too.

"So what now?" It was just three words but Eli knew what I meant. "Lets figure that out later, for now lets just enjoy this moment, it's ok to be irresponsible sometimes Hyung." Eli was right, I deserved this moment, we both did. All of my innocent feelings flew away when I felt Eli's hand slide inside my shirt.

My muscles tensed under his touch, "Eli~" I whine. "Don't worry I'm going to do it right this time." He says as his other hand works at the band of my sweatpants, teasing the skin just underneath it. "I'm going to show you what those other men couldn't, I'm going to show you how precious you are."

(i didn't finish this fic with like I had first planned because for me I wasn't feeling it. I wanted something light and warm. sorry if I disappointed anyone.)