(NOT AN UPDATE) STORY REVIEW!

@jeniscool100

Thankyou so much for taking your time to review my story! I really appreciate your effort for listing out the mistakes, definitely serves as a reminder and improvement! :D You're really generous with your scoring hahha, and thankyou for your kind words! :D

Review for: Can You See Me Now?
Story by: Candice
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/59526/can-you-see-me-now-blockb-romance
Reviewer: Jen (jeniscool100)

Title ( 5 / 5):

The story title got me interested right away; it implied that there would be a problem that would be in need of a solution. It also provided a tinge of emotional excitement, making me believe that there would be a character who would feel a sense of pain or longing as the story progressed. After reading the first ten chapters, I think I can see how the title will relate to the story. All in all, your title captivated my interest and made me wish to begin reading your story.

Description/Foreward ( 9 / 10):

You opened the description with the juxtaposition of the positive and negative aspects of a happy childhood - an effect that certainly will not go unnoticed by readers. I personally had never thought that having a happy childhood could have negative consequences, but you presented a point that challenged my previous beliefs (and the beliefs of many other readers, I'm sure). Those opening lines were captivating because they opposed each other, creating a sense of unbalance and presenting a truth that could not be avoided. Not only that, but you touched on a part of life all too familiar to all of us: growing up. When I saw that, I instantly became interested in the story because I knew I would be able to relate to it.

Personally, I think that you should put your forward where your description is and your description where your forward is. This is just because the first thing I read was character bios, and character bios really aren't very effective in captivating interest. Your description, however, captured my interest almost instantly. Seeing as many people are quick to judge stories, I think it would be better to ensure that they are interested right from the beginning. This was honestly the reason I didn't rate you a 10. I know that it's rather shallow and superficial, but I'm trying to see your story in the eyes of both a reader and a reviewer. As a reader, I might not have read all the way to the forward (where your fabulous words are) because the primary character bios might have failed to grab my interest.

I don't mean to be harsh; I just want you to get all the love and praise you deserve! <3

Plot ( 18 / 20):

While the plot is one that I have seen before, it is developed well. The added plot twist of Kyung claiming Haneul to be his girlfriend creates new struggles for the characters and takes the story to a whole new level. Because of that plot twist, you have left room for your characters to grow and change in many different ways, and stories in which characters change emotionally or in their patterns of thought are some of the most rewarding in my opinion.(:

The plot is realistic and I am happy to see that! If you had put a flying elephant in there somewhere I would have been... well, I probably would have laughed at first, but then I would have been upset with you. ;D I think the storyline is one that many people can relate to: drifting away from past friends, reuniting with people you haven't seen for long periods of time, and being forced to hide your true feelings from the one you love.

The plot is also able to be followed without difficulty; I never felt lost or confused when I was reading the story.

Characters ( 14 / 15):

The characters are all presented in a realistic fashion. They are being developed very well; I am able to pick out certain individual character traits and prevailing attitudes for each of them. Since you have quite a few characters, I understand that you cannot focus too much attention on each and every one of them. I rated you based on the presentation of your main characters, and I just wanted you to know that you are doing a good job so far with building them up and giving them their own identities! Keep that up! :]

The characters are not too far fetched either. The only thing I noticed in that regard was that maybe, just maybe, Jiho's character was being overdone just a little bit. That's why I took a point off - because between him and Jihoon, I thought that there might have been just a bit too much energy there for it to have been healthy. xD I love how your characters are relatable too; readers can really identify with the emotions that they are feeling (especially in the case of Haneul and Jaehyo). Making characters relatable is, to me, a sign of good writing. :3

Mechanics ( 12 / 15):

All in all, your grammar was fine! I was able to read the story and understand it without being thrown off by your grammar. I did, however, notice a few little mistakes throughout the story that can be fixed easily. These are very common mistakes; even the best of the best find themselves making the same mistakes from time to time!
I just want you to be aware of them in the future.(:

1) Try to keep your tenses consistent. If you are writing a passage in past tense, make sure that all of your verb forms are in the past tense. I'll give you a line from the story (chapter two in the paragraph that begins with "for the rest of the afternoon") and show you what I'm talking about.

"When she started to get clumsy and fall over, his friends will always be there to catch her before she falls hard on her face."

When keeping consistent with your verb tense, the sentence would read:

When she started to get clumsy and fall over, his friends were always there to catch her before she could fall hard on her face.

2) Watch subject-verb agreements. Just make sure that singular subjects take singular verbs and plural subjects take plural verbs.

3) Also, I always recommend for people to check their spelling. All of us make spelling errors, and we all need to double check our spelling from time to time. I just have to say that in chapter three, there was one spelling error that I absolutely LOVED. It was this:

"I can't believe this, we're actually separting! WHY WHY WHY?" Jihoon said while crying.

LOLOLOL! SEPARTING! I love it! That should totally be a real word! It's just such a cute word! x3 I could tell that you meant to say separating, though! If you spelled a word wrong, I was able to tell what word you were using; it didn't hinder my reading experience in the least.

I would suggest that maybe you go back and re-read the chapters, just so you can fix up some of the little grammar mistakes and/or spelling errors. You don't have to do so if you don't want to, but hey - it can't hurt, right? =D

Writing Style ( 9 / 10):

You have a nice writing style that works well for the story. Your writing style allows for readers to follow your storyline without difficulty. When you were typing Haneul's thoughts while she was on the phone with Jaehyo and walking home with him, you typed in italics, making it apparent to the reader that the words were not being said aloud. I didn't see any crazy POVs or stray dialogue and your descriptions were short yet clear; I was able to envision the place in which Haneul and Jaehyo were walking, just as an example.

There was just one part of the story that made me confused. At the very end of chapter two, you added a paragraph that began with "and oh, did I mention it?" When I read this paragraph, I wasn't sure if this was an author's note or if this was actually part of the story. That didn't have a crippling effect on my reading experience or anything, but I just wanted to bring that to your attention because I think it might have confused some of your other readers as well. Other than that, I saw no messy sentence structure or mashed up POVs!

Flow ( 9 / 10):

Before I say anything about the flow of the story, I just have to give you a compliment! I just read chapter four, and I absolutely loved how you brought in the mother's struggle of having her husband leave her. It was when the mother said the line "'people change" that I was like, "DANG." Those two simple words set the mood for the rest of the story and paralleled Kyung's intuitions perfectly. Bravo! Just...bravo.(:

The only reason I took a point off of your score here was because I felt that the beginning was a bit rushed. Remember, I'm trying to judge this as both a reader and a reviewer. As a reader, I was left just a bit unsatisfied with how quickly their friendship came to a standstill at the beginning. Other than that, I don't feel as if the story is being spread too thin or being too compacted; I think the pace you are on right now is perfectly good!

Events are presented to the reader in an order that makes sense, and there were no parts that confused me. I could follow the story all the time, and that in itself speaks volumes about your ability to write a good story!

Ending ( _ / 10):

Since the story isn't finished, I will not be grading you for an ending. This means that instead of the best possible score being 100/100 without bonus points, the best possible score will be 90/90 without bonus points.

Overall Enjoyment ( 5 / 5):

Okay, first off, I was laughing out loud at chapter five - the chapter that features the meeting of Kyung and Yookwon. Oh man, it was just so entertaining! And this line:

"YAH JIHOON! STOP THAT OR I WILL REALLY RING YOUR DING DONG!!"

BAHAHAHAHA! Just priceless! xD

What I'm trying to say here is that I loved how you incorporated comedic elements into your story; it really allowed for me to be drawn into the story on all emotional levels.

I loved the meeting of Jiho and Kyung. It was so sweet how you brought up the past secret that Kyung promised to keep! Even though it was short, I thought it was done perfectly. I felt like no more words needed to be said in that situation.

The plot twist is what makes this story different from most. I really also love the twist within the twist - that while Haneul loves Jaehyo, Jaehyo is only looking to her for advice about the girl he really loves. This twist made me want to continue reading the story, seeing as I want Haneul and Jaehyo to get together, but I'm worried that Jaehyo will never see her in the same way she sees him. It was after I read that twist that I came to understand how your title would be relevant to the rest of your story.

When I was reading your story, I honestly didn't feel like I was doing a review; I felt like I was just reading a fic I found late at night, completely relaxed and completely involved. That feeling really showed me how enjoyable your story truly is. ♥

Bonus ( 6 / 10):

I am giving you bonus points for each of the following:

1) Your great description. Really, I thought it was excellent! (+1 point)

2) Your characterization of Jaehyo. I really like how you make him so protective and caring towards Haneul. <3 (+1 point)

3) Zico's catch phrase 'YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I'M FEELING'! I love that; giving him a catch phrase is like giving him his own personality! You really develop his character well, and I can't wait to see what other dimensions Zico's character will take on as the story progresses!(: (+1 point)

4) For dressing Yookwon in a wife beater and leather jacket. (HEHEHE, I HAD TO! xD I'm U-Kown biased, so reading his outfit description definitely made me one happy camper. x3) (+1 point)

5) For chapter 10. Leaving me wanting more of your story. You have captivated my interest and I cannot wait to read the rest of your story! Actually, I'm going to give you two points instead of one because you did such a great job with your first story! :3 (+2 points)

Total:

Total without bonus: 81/90
Total bonus points given: 6

81 + 6 = 87/90

Total Score = 87/90

Comments:

Dang! If you scored that high on your first ever fic on this site, I can't wait to see what other works you are going to crank out in the future! If you keep writing, you're going to end up getting perfect scores with every review you request! :D <3

My only advice is for you to go back and correct any spelling and/or grammar mistakes you encounter. I'm not a very harsh grader when it comes to the mechanics; the only time I take off severely is if the grammar is so bad that I can't even understand the story. Your mistakes were very common and easy to correct, so don't worry too much about them! Just try to proofread your chapters as often as you possibly can in the future.(: