By the spring season of Grade 5, my ten-year-old self had discovered that people experience a thing called ‘falling for someone’.  At first, when I discovered this theory, I thought it was the greatest thing that happened after the Sydney Olympics that year. It was a blissful time of my life. I still remember how each morning on the way to school; I would see the leaves falling swiftly from the many trees that were planted along the cross path. I would also enjoy the sounds of chirping birds singing like a choir that sang at church. But the most memorable thing I remembered from those warm, spring mornings in 2000, was the sight of one bright-eyed and cheerful little girl that always walked with her parents in front of me.

She was the reason why I discovered that theory.

Three months had already passed since I had moved schools that year. Settling into a new school, with new teachers and classmates was easier than I thought. I had become good friends with two or three of my male classmates. I had also become closer to my female classmates too. Ye Eun and Jieun in particular, as Ye Eun was my seating partner who I liked to talk to and Jieun was one classmate that I liked joking around with. She was easy to tease and I had loved her dramatic reactions to my pranks. When I was young, I probably seemed to be a kid who was very hard to approach sometimes. That was because I was generally a shy boy, especially with strangers. I would not open up to people easily unless I knew what kind of person they were. So, for people like Ye Eun, Jieun and my guy friends, Chansung and Kwon, whose friendly personalities were easy to read, it was easy for me to be friends with them.

If I could say the same thing for that girl, then things would have turned out differently, all those years ago.

That spring, I had decided that I would solve that particular puzzle out.

…

The weather was becoming warmer, so our physical education classes had changed from doing indoor sports to outdoor sports. Although, I was the kid who liked to read books and solve mathematic problems, I loved playing sports the most. Just like any other boy in the class, I enjoyed playing football the most. So, on our first day of changing sports for P.E, I felt ecstatic.

“Kids, raise your hand if you want to be captain of one of the two teams!” instructed Teacher Ko.

“Pick me!”

“Me!”

“Wooyoung!”

I did not even raise my hand, but my friend; Chansung raised it for me and shouted my name for Ko to hear clearly.

I did not care who was picked captain, as I just wanted to play. Being captain meant that you had to choose your team members and since I was the new kid, I did not know everyone in the class and I surely did not want to make anyone feel excluded.

Thankfully, I was not chosen as Ko decided to let two girls to be the captains of the day. I did not overanalyse his decision back then, but I later discovered that he was always bias towards my female classmates. He really was a creep back then, and a chingu told me the other day that he still is.

“How about we have Taeyeon and…ah, maybe So Eun as our captains today?” Kim So Eun, she was chosen captain. Fingers crossed, that she will chose me to be on her team. That was what I had thought to myself on that day. Why did I want to be on that girl’s team? It was because I did not want to be on that Taeyeon girl’s team. Taeyeon was a silly little girl, who bothered me a lot. She was annoying, and she always tried to get closer to me. Even my ten-year-old self knew she was not good news. Especially what she had done to Kim So Eun on the first day of the school year.

The first day of winter. My first day of school. I can never forget it, I thought as my feet started to itch in anticipation and hope for Kim So Eun to pick me.

“Now girls, please pick your teams! Take turns and choose wisely!”

“I choose…Ye Eunnie.” Of course she would have chosen Ye Eunnie first. In Grade 5, my female classmates would have always chosen their friends first before shyly choosing the male classmates and the few kids left over. Usually those kids were either not so good at sports, hence the nerdy types or the ones that the class did not like too much. By the end of primary school, selecting teams for sports had become more strategic as we all got closer and confident with each other, so it was not so awkward to pick the most capable male classmates first, for the girls anyway. The guys were still shy when they chose their female classmates. I guess that was because we hit puberty later and matured slower.

Taeyeon went on to pick her ‘Hwang something’ friend first, as Kim So Eun chose Jieun-ah as I expected. Yes, I was close to Lee Jieun, so that is why I addressed her as Jieun-ah back then. Why did I call Kim So Eun by her full name? That was something that had bothered me…a lot during that spring.

Now, all the girls had already split into Taeyeon and Kim So Eun’s teams. It was their turn to choose from us male classmates.

Talking about the most athletic and sporty guys in our class, Yoon Doojoon, Chansungie and I were amongst the top. Everyone knew it. We were the aces when it came to sports, football in particular. So even in Grade 5, there was still a sense of expectations of what our classmates had thought about us. We were not arrogant or cocky, just well…athletic.

It was Kim So Eun’s turn to choose her next member, and my young heart skipped a few beats as her gaze looked towards my direction. Her bright eyes had fluttered across the row I sat in. First at Yoon Doojoon, who smiled with his teeth in return. She then glimpsed at Lee Kikwang, who was another athletic boy in our class. At that moment, her eyes met mine. Her cheerful smile that previously was for Lee Kikwang, had grown into an even bigger and more beautiful one when she looked at me. My young heart had felt like it was going to bulge out of my small chest at any moment. In my ten years of existence back then, I had never seen such a smile in my life.

And that was when I knew for sure that I, Jang Wooyoung was…

…Falling for Kim So Eun.

However, Kim So Eun’s smile only lasted for five seconds at the most. She then returned to her usual happy expression that she wore on her face every day. That expression that she held, seemed bland and emotionless in comparison to that smile that she had given my 5^th grader self.

She opened , after she shifted her attention away from us boys, where we were all left amazed. Even the most popular kid, Lee Kikwang had his jaw wide open.

Why is Lee Kikwang’s mouth opened like that? I can even see the saliva coming out. Ew. Lee Kikwang’s actions seemed very unusual for me, but I never wondered as to why he was like that, so I kindly closed it for him.

“I choose…um… Doojoon-ah. Yoon Doojoon.” SHE CHOSE WHO?! YOON DOOJOON? I CAN PLAY BETTER THAN HE CAN! AND DOOJOON-AH? WHY?  I was jealous and shocked. I thought that the way the girl had smiled at me meant that she was obviously going to choose me. I did not understand why she did that before. But later on, I found out that something like this was a little game that little girls liked to play. It was not fun for me back then, and even more so now.

Taeyeon then looked at me, as I had tried my best to avoid her eyes. But I never was a lucky guy.

“Wooyoung-ah, come here!” No….not again. It was HER fault! I walked with my head slumped low to Taeyeon’s team. As I walked past Kim So Eun, she did not even face to look at me, as she was too busy chatting so happily to Yoon Doojoon. When it came to making my young blood boil, Kim So Eun was the queen. Was it intentional? Or unintentional? I did not know. But what I did know, I was still not discouraged.

“Okay, now that our teams, it is time to have our kick off!”

We gathered in our teams, and Taeyeon had made Kikwang who played football outside of school, do everything for her, choosing whom to put in what positions and whatnot. At least she did not ask me to do it, as I did not like talking to her all that much. She bugged me, big time.

I looked over at Kim So Eun’s team, and all her players were already organised so quickly. Was she a football player too? I asked myself. But the sight of Yoon Doojoon hi-fiving her and running to the centre circle had answered my question. She wasn’t, Yoon Doojoon was of course. Why is she so close to him? My expression had become serious. I was very keen to compete with Yoon Doojoon. So I ran up to Lee Kikwang and Taeyeon to ask whether I could start the kick-off opposing him.

“Hey, Lee Kikwang, can I please start in the centre first?” I asked politely.

“I don’t mind, because I know you can play. But you have to ask Miss Captain first!” Miss Captain…Taeyeon. I had no choice but to ask Taeyeon, unfortunately.

“Taeyeon-ssi…no Taeyeon-ah. Can I please be the starter? Pretty please?” I had put on the cutest act I could possibly pull off. Looking back, my ten-year-old self-wanted to vomit at his words. So do I right now.

“Why should I let you?” Why is she not saying yes? Taeyeon was more obvious with her blood-boiling methods. But I did not care nor did they affect me.

“Because…I think your hair looks very pretty in braids today!” I said, as I choked on my saliva afterwards, before stepping closer towards the captain.

“Okay, sure! Go ahead! Fighting Wooyoung-ah!” Assa! I knew it would work! Bring it on, Yoon Doojoon.

“Do. Not. Call. Me WOOYOUNG-AH! Arasso?!” I yelled the words that came out of that stupid girl’s mouth on the first day of school. Back then; I just wanted to let her know how hurtful her words were, especially for that girl. But, Taeyeon did not budge as she still kept that creepy smile on her face.

I ran to the centre of the pitch and my eyes met with those confident eyes of Yoon Doojoon.

“Oh Wooyoung-ah, I thought Kikwang-ah was starting first?” It was okay for Yoon Doojoon to call me Wooyoung-ah, since he was kind of considered to be my chingu.

“Neh. He gave me a shot first.”

“Arasso, let the best man win!” He said, as I shook his hand. It was a very sportsmanlike act, and that was what I liked about Yoon Doojoon. But that day, I had an urge to defeat him.

“Doojoon-ah! Fighting!” A voice screamed. That voice...Kim So Eun’s voice.

Teacher Ko blew the whistle, and it was game on.

Yoon Doojoon got hold of the ball first. I had lost to him, pretty easily. He was good, but I was not that bad. Just…distracted.

I began to chase after Yoon Doojoon, and quickly stole the ball away from him. My speed has always been my strength, and I was determined to use it so I could beat him. To let her see how well I could play.

I passed the ball over to Lee Kikwang who kept storming forward and passed it to my good friend Kwon, who goaled. I sprinted up to Kikwang and Kwon to celebrate in glory. We were so ecstatic and were jumping up and down like crazy kids. Before our Captain Taeyeon ran over to us and joined our group hug. No, to be clear, she joined us only to hug me and only me from behind. I could not describe how much I hated that feeling when her dirty hands were on me. I quickly shrugged them off me.

“Yah, Wooyoung, have another go in the centre! You’re jjang!” encouraged Lee Kikwang.

“Thanks! I will!” So I ran back to the centre, only to see Yoon Doojoon already there with…Kim So Eun beside him. Why was she always next to him?

“Doojoon-ah, don’t take it to heart. I believe in you! Fighting!” She said, before giving Yoon Doojoon a fist pump and the same mesmerising smile she had given me before. Maybe I was not that special. I thought to myself, as my smile changed into a frown.

“Good goal, Wooyoung-ah. But it is our turn now!” said Yoon Doojoon. That guy was always so confident in himself. If I did not know better, I would have called him a cocky when he was actually a good guy. Just not when he talked to her in front of me.

“I don’t think so.”

And then it was game on again.

This time, it was more even between the teams – well amongst us guys. Lee Kikwang, Kwon and myself on Taeyeon’s team and Yoon Doojoon, Chansungie and some other good player on her team. But it was the girls who were even more into it, to our surprise.

Taeyeon looked like she was quite athletic, but she was the exact opposite. Her ‘Hwang’ friend was okay but she slipped over a few times. When they were faced head to head with Ye Eunnie, Jieun and her, they got dominated sideways.

Kwon decided that he had enough of the girl domination from the opposite team so he ran to their corner of the pitch and swiftly stole the ball away from them. He was that kid who did not care if he was competing against girls or guys. He always wanted to win. The girls had tried chasing him, but most of them fell short. Except for…

Kim So Eun.

Boy, she could run very fast. Almost as fast as Kwon, who was the quickest on our team. I was left amazed again by her.

Kwon quickly passes to Kikwang, who then passes to me and I took a shot on goal, thinking it was an open goal square.

I should have thought twice.

My ‘fireball’ had hit a defender…hard. That poor defender fell on the ground. That was just the nature of the game, unfortunately.

The boys ran up to me to celebrate, before we all noticed a scream from the defender who was on the ground.

That scream did not sound like a boy. In fact it was a girl, which made my heart sank in worry.

She screamed, “HELP” again, before Teacher Ko ran to the scene.

We could not see her face as it was faced down onto the ground. What have I done?

“Kim So Eun, are you okay?! Does this hurt?” I injured her….I…hurt her. How could I be so clueless? Why are you so stupid Jang Wooyoung? I slapped myself across the face hard, before running to help the girl. At that moment, I was so worried for Kim So Eun that I could faint.

“Jang Wooyoung! How could you be so careless?” scolded Teacher Ko. Tears were about to fall from my young self’s eyes as I saw Kim So Eun crying in front of me…in Teacher Ko’s arms. I still remember that time because it was the first time I had made a girl cry and it was the first time that I almost cried in front of people other than my parents too.

“I am so-so-so­ sorry, Kim So Eun. I really am. It was an accident. I did not mean to hurt you!” My frantic young self said, as I unconsciously took her hand into mine.

“It…is…okay.” She said in pain, which shot a bullet into my young heart.

“Jang Wooyoung, come with me to the nurse’s office and look after poor So Eunnie here, arasso?” Teacher Ko called her So Eunnie…So Eunnie…I had called that girl by that nickname on my first day, but by that spring, I had stopped for more reasons than one.

“Yes! I will!” I said, as I followed Ko and Kim So Eun to the nurse’s office with my small hand still holding the soft, weak hand of the girl.

“Don’t worry, Kim So Eun. I will make sure that you will be okay!” I assured. She nodded in return and closed her eyes.

…

After Teacher Ko carried Kim So Eun onto the nurse’s bed, he quickly left to go back to the class.

“Wooyoung-yah, don’t be so sad. I know it was an accident; and accidents happen all the time. She should only have a bruise here and there. She is not going to lose her memory.” Teased Ko, who made me gasp in shock when he finished his sentence.

“Huh? Will she lose her memory? It is all my fault.” I sulked.

“Aigoo, Wooyoung-ah I was just kidding. She will be fine.” Oh, Teacher was just joking. Thank god! Primary school students are easy to deceive and they react very cutely with their immature ‘worried’ expressions, and I was no exception.

“Teacher Ko!”

“Arasso, mianhae, for scaring you. Now do not let your eyes get away from her! If anything happens, you’re the blame!” Back then, I was too worried for the girl who laid on a bed in front of me, to realise how much of a dickhead my Teacher was. That chingu did not lie when they told me how much of a prick he was and still is.

“Don’t worry Teacher Ko! I will keep my eyes on her!”

Then Teacher Ko finally left the room.

I looked closely at the girl, looking at her two large bruises on the side of her face. From the sight of those battered, purple circles on Kim So Eun’s face, I never kicked a ball so hard ever again in football. I was scarred from that incident.

I placed my hand onto hers, and held it tightly.

Her hand was cold and small, but it had fitted perfectly into my slightly bigger hand.

As kids, it was easy to hold a girl’s hand, since we began to in Grade 1 where we were instructed to hold them when we were lining up to enter the class. But now, as an adult, it was not as easy as it used to be. Holding a girl’s hand was difficult because of all the barriers, feelings and complications that got in the way. This is from experience.

“Kim So Eun, I’m sorry. So, so, so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” I whispered, as my eyes had begun to water again.

“Kim So Eun…So Eun…”

“So Eunnie,” That was the second time that I had called her by her nickname. I liked it, but I was not allowed to use it after that winter day because the girl herself said I ‘cannot’ use it, and especially after I stupidly hugged her on my first day. Kim So Eun had made my ten-year-old self be one very daring kid.

“Wooyoung…Wooyoung-ah,” She’s awake! She is okay! And she called me Wooyoung-ah?! The feeling of relief that I felt when Kim So Eun woke up from her painful sleep was extreme. It felt like the whole of South Korea’s people had been thrown off my small and fragile shoulders.

“Omo, So Eunnie! Are you still feeling hurt anywhere? Can you see me?” I waved my hand in front of her face, just to make sure that her vision was still clear after being knocked out. I must have forgotten the fact that she already called me Wooyoung-ah, meaning that she saw me already.

“You…called me So Eunnie.” Aigoo, stupid Wooyoung. Now she is going to get angry again. I thought to myself.

“Ah, mianhaeyo, I did not mean to…It just slipped out of my chatty mouth.” I stuttered.

“Don’t worry…You can call me So Eunnie.” Did she just…?

“Chincha?” I asked again to make sure.

“Chincha.” She said weakly. I jumped in excitement and threw my arms onto the girl.

“You did it twice!” Oh, she meant…that.

“Did what?”

“You…hugged me twice.” She said, while her cheeks turned red, like a tomato.

“I guess I did…sorry.” I pulled away from her.

“It’s okay, Wooyoung-ah.” Kim So Eun had seemed to be less cold to me when she was injured in Grade 5, but I guess it was because she was weak so that is why she did not have much energy to fight back. My younger self took advantage of this.

“You called me Wooyoung-ah…”

“I guess I did, chingu.” Chingu, I forgot that we were even friends.

“Kim So Eun…no So Eunnie, am I really your chingu?” I asked.

“Didn’t you say so on the first day of school?” I knew I did, but it surely did not seem like we were friends as she basically ignored me and forgot I even existed after that day. Well, I did not know that you could scare people off like that. 14 years later, girls never ran away from me anymore, no matter how much I wanted them to; but that is another story.

“I did didn’t I. But, So Eunnie…”

“Neh?”

“Why didn’t you talk to me after that winter day?” I had garnered a lot of courage on that day, and it took kicking a fireball at the girl who I was falling for to bring the tiger out of my child-body.

 She froze, and so did her smile. I had managed to put her on the spot. When we were young, it was a scary thing to be confronted like that.

“Do you…hate me?” I asked.

“Aniyo…it is just that…I thought you hated me because you didn’t talk to me either. So I didn’t want to talk to people who hate me,” mumbled the girl.

“I-I…will never hate you.” I replied.

From that moment onwards, I lived up to my words and never showed Kim So Eun any signs of hatred. Even until this day. After watching tears falling from that girl’s cheeks in the spring of 2000, I swore to myself that I would never do anything to hurt her. Even if it meant hurting myself instead because…I knew that Kim So Eun had become my first love.