Barriers in this world are either made to be broken or are cemented in place. Whether it is barriers to communication, trade, reconciliation, friendship or romance, they always exist. We might be conscious or unconscious of them, and when we finally notice them, we would either deal with it like a ‘piece of cake’ or avoid facing them for eternity. I’ve had my share of barriers in life and quite frankly, I haven’t dealt with them well. People say that you’ll learn from your mistakes but some of us may never learn. We may just keep on repeating the same mistake rather than confronting it with belief and confidence.

I wanted to learn from mine. I wanted to stop history from repeating itself. I wanted to gain the strength to break the barriers that had been burdening my life. It was in the summer of 2004 that I had the strongest desire to make this happen.

From the first day of high school, I had told myself that ‘I am never going to fall for him’. Call me unlucky or delusional, but it couldn’t be avoided. Especially when I wanted to be friends with him, at the least. He wasn’t shy or awkward like how Wooyoung was. Nor was he as mysterious like Myungsoo oppa, not that he counts. He was confident on the outside but he seemed sincerely kind-hearted and polite on the inside. Since the first time that I had talked to him during the winter of that year, our relationship had grown. We went from fellow classmates to acquaintances that started to know more about each other. We didn’t talk everyday, but we would greet when we caught each other face to face.  It was nice to meet someone new at school, especially during freshman year. Though I hadn’t realised how much I actually enjoyed conversing with this guy until one rainy day in summer.

That day was the first time it had rained all season. It was hot, humid and unpleasant. I struggled to even wake up that morning. I had peaked through the window after I had finally woken up after pressing the snooze button twice. All I saw was dark skies and gusts of misty fog surrounding my front lawn. Frowning my way out of bed, I reluctantly prepared myself for the school day.

After school, I had to wait for half an hour longer than normal. That is because Myungsoo oppa had an important meeting to attend to, meaning that Bummie oppa would come later instead of waiting. The weather had continued to be horrible as it was still pouring down with rain, making the atmosphere very sticky and unbearable. I had walked to the usual logs where Myungsoo oppa and I would sit and wait for my brother. By the time I came out, there weren’t many kids left waiting for their parents. Except for one person sitting on the edge of the furthest log. He looked strikingly familiar. And he was completely drenched from the rain since he wasn’t wearing a raincoat nor was he using an umbrella.

Is he crazy? How the hell can he just sit there in the rain? I better go and shelter the poor boy, I thought, before running towards the kid.

I reached the crazy kid and shielded him with my umbrella. I had given him a little shake on his shoulder.

“Yah, are you crazy? Why are you out here in the heavy rain without anything shielding you! You’ll easily get sick like this!” I said, while bending slightly to catch a glance at the boy’s face. After a moment, he finally lifted his head. I had gulped in surprise and immediately stepped back a little. The crazy guy sitting right in front of my eyes was…Lee Junho.

“So Eun-ssi…” Junho said weakly. His eyes were drooping and I could see that his body was shaking. He was not looking good, causing my younger self to panic.

I then grab a hold of Junho’s arm instinctively to stop his body from leaning. I could feel his trembling and ice-cold skin grazing onto mine. He was sick, extremely sick.

What should I do? Should I call his parents? Where the hell were my oppas? What if he faints?

I took another glance at Junho, and his eyes were closed. I placed my hand on his forehead without thinking about any underlying nerves. He was burning. I nudged him again to see if he was awake. No response.

, what now? I cursed.

Then I heard a vibration coming from his pocket. I prayed to God that it was his parents; since it was already way past the time school had finished. I had hesitated for a moment. It wasn’t everyday that I would slip my hands into a guy's pocket in his pants. But I did so anyway. This was Junho’s health and safety at risk here. I had pulled out his mobile and a notification appeared on the screen.

Umma sent you a message.

I let out a sigh of relief. I immediately opened the message, after looking at Junho once more. He was still in a deep slumber.

The message read:

Junho-yah, something came up. Your haraboji’s car broke down so I have to go and help him out. Appa isn’t off work until late…so can you take the bus home dear?

What a coincidence. Life is unlucky for this guy. As time went by, my grip had tightened on Junho to prevent him from falling. I was getting tired myself. Tired of waiting. Tired of worrying. Tired of denying.

“So Eunnie, who is this? Why is he—oh man, don’t tell me he just fainted on your shoulder. Where are parents these days?” Myungsoo oppa had finally appeared. He then went over to the other side of Junho and grabbed a hold of him and brought him under his umbrella. Though, he was frowning as soon as he saw us.

“Neh oppa, he’s my um…classmate. I think he’s got a high fever and he’s fallen asleep. His parents messaged him just then saying they couldn’t make it…we can’t just leave him here.” I said, tiredly.

“So you’re saying that we need to take him to your place and help him? Aigoo, you kids don’t look after yourselves well do you?” Myungsoo oppa said. You kids. I guess he really saw us as young and stupid kids. That was a barrier between us, Myungsoo oppa and I. He told me that he saw me as a kid, a dongsaeng. But sometimes, his actions and my feelings speak differently. Though this was a barrier that cannot ever be broken.

“We have no choice oppa! I am so worried that he’ll get worse. Look at how pale his face is! Where is Bummie oppa? Why isn’t he coming yet?” I whined. Maybe at the time, I was over-reacting. I could not deny my concern but was it genuine or something more? Would I have care that much if it were someone else? Like if it was Wooyoung or Doojoon? I believed that I was a nice kid who would help anyone in such circumstance, no matter how close or distant we were.

“He’s here,” Myungsoo oppa said, as he noticed oppa’s car finally entering the pick up zone. Thank god. Took him long enough.

“Here, let me take the boy.” Myungsoo oppa offered before immediately lifting Junho off my shoulder, carrying him towards the car.

Without any explanation, Bummie oppa quickly stepped on the accelerator on the way back home. Sitting in the back seat, with Junho still asleep and leaning onto me, I had felt his nose tickling neck and his chest moving slowly in sync with his breathing. The wetness of his uniform had ultimately caused mine to be soaked too. This was a weird feeling. I have never been this close to Junho before. We never had any physical contact with each other except for our first meeting where we shook hands. My heart was unknowingly beating rapidly.

“So Eun-ah, pass me your friend’s phone so I can notify his parents about his condition. They would probably be wondering why he isn’t home yet and they’ll want to know that their son is sick like this.” Bummie oppa asked. His parents, that’s right, how could I forget? I had passed the phone straight to oppa, after dialing ‘Umma’.

“Yoboseyo? Is this Lee Junho’s mother? Ah yeah, I am his friend’s older brother. Your son had been out in the rain and my sister found him in a very ill state. He is in his sleep at the moment, and he hasn’t woken up yet. Neh, I understand. We will look after him. Please come to our house to pick him up when you are finished with your errands. I will message you our address. No worries, we will. He’s going to be okay. Neh, bye, Mrs. Lee.” Bummie oppa then ended the call. He had spoken in a very responsible manner and assured Mrs. Lee that Junho is not travelling with strangers. I’m proud that I have an older brother like Bummie oppa.

Shortly after, we finally arrived home. The oppas quickly carried Junho inside as I carried our drenched school bags. As we walked past the kitchen before entering the living room, Umma had noticed our guest.

“Omo, who is this? He is totally soaked! Oh dear, lay him on the coach immediately, he’s firing up!” Umma said as she felt Junho’s forehead, noticing his intense fever at an instant.

Umma had changed Junho into some of Bummie oppa’s clothes. I had prepared an icepack wrapped around a thin towel to place on Junho’s forehead. Umma then treated him with some cooling ointment before making some porridge for him to eat when he wakes up. I just sat on a stool beside Junho, waiting until he wakes up. It was already 5pm and Junho’s mother hasn’t arrived yet. Junho had been in unconscious and sick for about three hours. My younger self just prayed for him to be okay.

Junho-ssi, you’ll be okay…I hope.

“So Eunnie, how is he?” A voice said, as I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders.  They belonged to my Bummie oppa.

“He’s still hasn’t woken up yet. But his fever has gone down. Ah, I just hope he’s going to wake up oppa.” I said.

“Aigoo, don’t be silly. He’s going to be fine when he wakes up.” Bummie oppa assured, while giving me a comforting hug.

I had looked at Myungsoo oppa as I let go of Bummie oppa. He was standing behind us and appeared to be staring into empty space. He was almost expressionless but with a hint of concern. What was he thinking about?

“Myungie oppa? Are you okay? Are you feeling sick too?” I asked cutely.

“I’m fine. But if I was sick like him would you look after me too?” He joked with a teasing smile. Ah, thank god he’s still laughing. I don’t want to deal with his moody self right now.

“Heh, I’ll think about it!”

Then I felt Junho’s fingers flinch ever so slightly in my palm.

Omo, is Junho-ssi finally waking up? Please, wake up.

“Junho-ssi are you awake?”

“So Eun-ssi? Where am I?” Junho whispered as he slowly began to sit up from his laying position.

“Oh my god, you’re awake! How do you feel?” I said happily, before sweeping his fringe away from his forehead to place my hand on his forehead to feel his temperature. He has cooled down a lot, but was still a little warm.

“I-uh, I’m okay…I just feel a little dizzy and warm…what happened? Am I in your living room, So Eun-ssi?” Junho said in confusion, as his eyes wandered around the room, before matching them with my eyes. At that moment, with Junho’s stare in my eyes, I could feel my own cheeks starting to flutter.

“Yeah, um, you’re at my house because you fainted out in rain after school. Speaking of the rain, how could you not bring an umbrella or a raincoat? I got so worried, Junho-ssi! You’re lucky that I found you or else I can’t even imagine what could happen.” I explained frantically, before Junho suddenly placed his hand on top of mine, with his thumb my palm gently.

“Thank you, So Eun-ssi. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you, chingu-ah.” Junho thanked sincerely. His gaze still hadn’t left mine. I was in awe of his smiling eyes once again. Chingu-ah? Are we…friends now?

“No worries…chingu-ah.”

With that encounter onwards, Junho and I had really embraced our new found ‘friendship’. He was my chingu, and I was his. What I had originally wanted had finally occurred. I was happy that I made a new friend, and I hoped that we could be friends for a long time.

…

The day after next though, was indeed awkward at first. Junho had taken a day off school since he was obviously not in the healthiest state. So that morning, as soon as I noticed Junho enter our classroom, I had walked up to him to see if he had recovered.

“Junho-ah! Are you feeling better?” I said, which gave Junho a little shock. I guess a girl jumping in front of him first thing in the morning might’ve been a slightly daunting. I really hoped that I wasn’t becoming one of his fan girls. We were friends right? So friends are meant to greet each other brightly like this. Or at least that is what I remembered it to be.

“Annyeong. Yeah, I’ve fully recovered thanks to you. You really didn’t have to do that for me the other day…I sincerely appreciate it, So Eun-ssi.” Junho said, while placing a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

“Aigoo, aren’t we friends now? That’s what friends are for.”

“Now? I’ve always treated you as mine.” Junho said. ‘You as mine.’ As in he treated like I’m his property? Aish, why am I imaging things? He considers me as his friend, and only a friend.

“Arasso…but Junho, you can drop the formalities.” I stated. I still didn’t know why we had addressed each other formally for so long. We were the same age and in the same grade and class but we didn’t address each other informally like everyone else. We were strange teenagers back then.

“Then….So Eun…ah? So Eunnie?”

“Neh, you can just call me So Eunnie, since everyone close to me calls me that.” I said. Essentially, the people who were friends with me were allowed to call me by my nickname. It just showed my closeness with them, and how they were different to people on the outside.

“But it still sounds uncomfortable, so I’ll just call you So Eun-ssi for now, is that okay?” Junho said. Maybe he didn’t think that we were that close yet… I thought to myself. Maybe I just had gotten ahead on some things. Just because Junho went to my house and had used my shoulder as his sick pillow, it didn’t mean that we were automatically ten steps closer than before.

“Yes, sure.”

Lunch was just like any regular day. I had sat on a table with Jieun, Ye Eun, Doojoon, Kikwang, Kwon and Chansung; my usual crew. Things never really changed except sometimes the boys would sit somewhere with Yang Yoseob and…Junho, since Junho is Kikwang’s cousin. I had only found out recently before that day. The world was indeed small.

“Hey, So Eunnie…. you know…. I think that guy is staring at you.” Ye Eun said. Which guy?

“Hah, what are you talking about, Ye Eunnie?” I had brushed off her observation.
 

“She meant that Lee Junho is staring at you. Not only that he is staring at you. He is also walking towards you.” Jieun explained. I almost choked on my carrot in my mouth at the mention of his name. Why is he coming to our table?

“Babe, why is my cousin staring at So Eunnie?” Kikwang asked curiously. Oh yeah, they don’t know about what happened two days ago…

“I don’t know! He’s um, behind you So Eun-ah.” Thanks, Jieun-ah. Really thank you for not telling. What to do? He’s really at our table…Breathe, Kim So Eun, be cool.

“Annyeong, So Eun-ssi.” Junho said, as I turned around to face him.

“Annyeong, Junho-ah…. what brings you here?” I greeted calmly. Or as calmly as I could.

“Um, well, this is for you. For taking care of me that day.” Junho said, before gifting me a carton of strawberry milk that he was holding behind his back. Ah, this is nice of him. Really nice.

Surprised at his sudden expression of thanks and with that bright, shining smile of his, I began to blush a little. I was touched.

“Ah, you didn’t have to. It really is no biggie.” I said, as I shyly accepted the milk he bought for me.

“What was no biggie, cousin?” Kikwang teased.

“Ani, nothing major. I guess I’ll see you later, So Eun-ssi. I’m heading off first, Kikwang-ah. See you at practice.” Junho said as he waved us goodbye.

“Omo, how sweet is that guy? I’m jelly, So Eunnie. I wish someone could buy me strawberry milk like how he did.” Ye Eunnie pouted.

“Ye Eunnie, don’t worry! I’ll buy you some tomorrow! Anticipate it!” Chansung exclaimed. Chansung was a sweet boy. He always treated Ye Eun very nicely, but sometimes Goddess Ye Eun doesn’t reward his efforts.

“Heh, I rather Junho-ssi gifting me things….” Ye Eun teased.

“Yah! I’m so much better looking than he is and you know it!” Chansung said, as he leaned closer to Ye Eun who just pushed him away easily. Ye Eun rarely loses her cool and I just wanted to be like her. I’m always off of my guard.

“Arasso, whatever Channie.”

On the way back to class, Jieun caught me after we left the bathroom.

“Yah, So Eunnie.” Jieun said as she grabbed hold of my arm.

“Neh, what’s up?”

“I’m the only one who knows that you had taken Junho back to your place on that rainy day. And since I’m your best friend, I just want to know what your relationship is with him.” Jieun asked in all seriousness. I was surprised with her sudden question.

Junho and I…we are friends…just friends, right?

“We are only friends, Jieun-ah. However, if he keeps on treating me nicely like today…I think it is going to be very hard not to fall for him…if I haven’t already. But I’m scared, Jieun-ah. I really am.” I confessed to my best friend.

“Our So Eunnie, always in complicated situations. Look, just don’t let him or yourself push the other away…again.” Again. History must not repeat itself. Life would be even harder than it was if it does. And things might not end well like it did before. I thought to myself seriously. It was the truth at that time, since my fears had taken over my desires before and I didn’t want that to happen again. Not that I regret what happened in the past, as I’m very glad to have a guy best friend but I knew that this time was different. And if I didn’t handle the situation properly, things could turn very wrong. Extremely wrong.

“I know, Jieun-ah. But this time, it’s different.”

I didn’t actually know for sure what was different about things this time around. Did I fall harder? Or I just didn’t want to overthink? All I knew that this ‘friendzone’ barrier had formed fear and discouraged me from breaking through it. It was like déjà vu. The turn of events were not a mirror image of the past, but the way it was going during that summer, it surely was threatening to go down that path. The bells from almost four years prior to that season were ringing loudly from inside of me. Though this time around, I truly did not want to make the same mistake. I wanted to face my fears and confront the situation at hand. That is, completely destroying that certain barrier in my life.