Autumn has always been one of my favourite seasons. One of the reasons was because it was Chuseok, and Chuseok is what people of all ages liked to celebrate. It was the biggest festival of the year. Coincidently, we always had our school holidays during this time, meaning that we could spend more time with our families, cousins and friends. However, in the autumn of 2001, it was not just a season full of ‘love’…’hate’ had also made its way into my autumn experience that year.

In the autumn of 2001, it had almost marked one year since I moved schools. A year since I fell for that girl. Time flew past so quickly; that my first day felt like it was just yesterday.

At the time, I had visited my hometown, Busan, with my parents for about five days. We went back to my grandparents place, and stayed there with my other relatives. Each day was full of outdoor activities and eating my Halmoni’s delicious food. Too bad that we had to leave so early, because of my parent’s work.

I had also went out with Kwon, Chansung, Lee Kikwang, Lee Kikwang’s cousin, and Yoon Doojoon; yes Yoon Doojoon, the chingu that I was often frustrated at, to play a match of football. We played for about two hours non-stop before going to a nearby restaurant to eat bimbibap.  After dinner, we even went to an ice-cream shop for dessert. I had my favourite double-chocolate sundae with sprinkles. It was a very fun day with the boys, and I was surprised that I actually spent a whole day with Yoon Doojoon without giving him any death glares. It wasn’t that I hated him…I was well, jealous, of him whenever he stood within one metre near So Eun. That was the only reason why I wasn’t exactly the best of buddies with Yoon.

But the funniest and most memorable part of my autumn that year was a particular encounter I had while my parents, nuna and I were having dinner at the local Chinese restaurant.

…

“Appa, Umma, nuna; I will meet you at the table. I’m busting to go to the toilet.”

“Aigoo, what did I tell you about going to do your business at home before we go out?” said Umma. She was right; it was a habit of mine that I still had till this day. It wasn’t on purpose, but rather a coincidence that I just never felt like going before I went out. Immune system issues.

“Yah, just go and be quick! Don’t forget to wash your hands!” said nuna. Soo Ae nuna used to always tease me when I was little. She treated me as if I was her little toy. I am her dongsaeng not a teddy bear that she can do whatever to.

I left to go to the restroom.

As I finished my business in relief, from holding it in the whole car ride here, I walked out the door and saw someone familiar, walking out of the female restroom.

It was her.

Kim So Eun.

My eyes widened at the sight of her.

She was wearing a beautiful floral dress that flowed just past her knees. Her hair had grown since the last time I had seen her, so she must have liked it. I liked it too, because this time, her hair was tied into a braided bun but still with her cute bangs straightened at the front. She looked different from what she usually looked like during school…

She looks beautiful. My younger self uttered to myself quietly.

“Oh, Wooyoung-ah! You’re having dinner here too?” I have not heard her sweet voice in so long. I miss her.

“So Eunnie…what are you doing here?” I asked. I was too nervous to ask her anything else or even realise that she was here for the same reason I was. Eating dinner with her family.

“Aigoo, Wooyoung-ah, of course I’m here to have dinner! What, did you think I was here to wash dishes? Pabo…” She said, as she pinched my two meaty cheeks. At that age, I was not considered meaty, I was quite fit and thin, except for my cheeks that still had plenty of baby fat on them. That was why So Eun loved pinching them. Even though it was painful, I still liked it when she did it. I liked it that much.

“Ouch, So Eunnie! That hurts!”

“Hah, but its so fun!” She teased, as she pinched me even harder, before I took her hands away from my swollen face and held them tightly in mine.

“Stop now, So Eunnie.” I said, with a failed attempt at a straight, serious face. This had made So Eun giggle even more in return.

“Arasso, I’ll stop it…So how are you Wooyoung-ah? I heard you went to Busan.” She asked.

“I have been good! Yeah, I went back to Busan for a few days with my family to see my grandparents. It was so much fun! What about you, So Eunnie?” I replied, with a happy grin on my face, at the thought of Busan. I have always been a proud Busan boy, even to this day.

“Well, I just stayed in Seoul, because my parents have to work. I went over to play with Jieun at Ye Eun’s house. So most of the time, I just hanged out with my Kim Bum oppa and…chingus.” Her oppa’s chingus? As in boys? Who were they? Did they a lot? Those questions flooded my young mind. I was well, quite sensitive when it came to So Eun being with any other males, other than me and her oppa. I was the jealous type and unfortunately, I am still the same.

“Oh chincha? Sounds like you had fun!” Act normal. I tried my best to hide my curiosity. Thankfully, it was enough to convince So Eun at the time. That trick became weaker as time went by.

“I sure did! Anyway, do you want to come and say ‘hi’ to Ye Eun, Jieun and our families? I’m sure the girls would like to see you. They always say how much they missed you.” But did you miss me, So Eunnie?

“Arasso! But So Eunnie…did you miss me?” I asked innocently. So Eun’s cheeks turned pink in response. She was so adorable whenever she blushed in front of me.

“I—I, ah, well…of course I did!” she mumbled. So she did! I am so happy! It didn’t take much to make me happy in primary school. She made me happy just by being next to me.

“Hehe, I missed you too So Eunnie.” I said, as we walked to her table together.

“Omo, Wooyoungie! You’re here too?” said Ye Eun and Jieun.

“Annyeong! I’m here with my family too!” I said brightly. I was happy that I saw my other two friends for the first time in a while.

“Oh, who is this fine young boy?” Fine? What does that mean? Is she So Eunnie’s Umma? When people call you a ‘fine young boy’ it usually meant that they were impressed with you, the whole package of you – your height, your looks, your clothing and when you’re old enough: your watch. That was something I didn’t understand back then.

“Ah, Umma, he is my friend from school. Jang Wooyoung.” Umma, she really was her Umma.

“Annyeonghaesayo, Mrs. Kim! I’m Jang Wooyoung. It is nice to meet you! Happy Chuseok!” I greeted as happily and loudly as I could.

“Aigoo, So Eun-ah, isn’t he polite?”

“Wooyoung-ah, you better treat my daughter well.” So he must be So Eunnie’s Appa then…He looks scary. My female friends’ father’s had always looked scary. They looked even scarier when I was dating their daughter. Though I was clearly not dating So Eun at the time. I don’t know if that is considered to be lucky or not.

“Yes, I will, Mr. Kim.” I nodded and bowed to him and Mrs. Kim, which made So Eunnie and the girls stare at me oddly.

Then another male came to the table, and took the empty seat next to Mrs. Kim.

“Eh? Who is this kid?” He said. He is her oppa! The mean one from that day.

“Oppa, he is um…the Jang Wooyoung chingu from that day…” She was talking about me to him?

“Oh, I remember now. He is your Wooyoungie boy!” Her what?!

“Annyeonghaesayo So Eunnie’s oppa…” I greeted, as I was reluctant to greet him as hyung, especially after his words that day, which I remembered very clearly.

“Call me Kim Bum hyung. We aren’t strangers now, since my dongsaeng said she l—“ What did she say about me? She was avoiding my eyes again. Something was strange.

“Arasso, Kim Bum hyung…Ah, it was very nice to meet you Mrs. Kim, Mr. Kim and hyung, but I have to return to my table now…” I said politely.

“Oh yes, it was nice meeting you too! So Eun-ah, do you want to walk Wooyoungie back?” said Mrs. Kim. I would love that.

“Arasso…” She agreed! Assa!

“Bye Ye Eunnie, Jieun! See you two soon at school!” I greeted with a playful wink at my friends.

“Bye Wooyoungie! See you soon!”

I then lead So Eun to the way to my table.

“Sorry, was that weird meeting my parents?” She asked. It was very weird for me, but I acted like I was comfortable with it.

“Aniyo, they are lovely people!”

“Hah, I think my Umma likes you.” She said.

“Maybe, haha.” I tried to hide my happiness.

We shortly arrived at my table.

“Wooyoung-ah! What took you so long!” asked Appa.

They then realised that a girl was standing behind me. Their eyes widened at the sight of So Eun.

“Oh, I see that you met your friend…” Soo Ae nuna said, with a questioning look.

“Well go on, Wooyoung-ah. Introduce her to us.” Appa insisted.

“Ah yeah. This is Kim So Eun, she is my chingu from school…” I said, as I placed my arm over her shoulder, which made my family smirk.

“Annyeonghaesayo, I’m Kim So Eun. It is nice to meet you all. Happy Chuseok, Mr. Jang, Mrs. Jang and…unnie.” She is so polite. They are going to love her. Like I…yah, what am I thinking.

“Aigoo, you are one very sweet and gorgeous girl, So Eun-ah!” Umma praised. I was happy because Umma had liked So Eun. It made me less nervous. Then again, So Eun was and still is a likeable, out-going kind of girl.

“Aniyo, aniyo.” She is humble too.

“So Eun-ah, does my dongsaeng treat you well? He doesn’t bully you or give you his ‘deadly cold face right’?” Soo Ae nuna said. What bully? What ‘deadly cold face’? I am very nice to So Eun. Aish, I am nice to everyone!

“Ah, he is a chingu that treats me well…” She said shyly.

“That’s good, I hope he would not cause you any trouble either, So Eun-ah. Please put up with him in the future.” Appa said. The future?  I looked at So Eun, as she stared back at me, with a  confused look.

I was getting embarrassed. Embarrassed in front of So Eun, who was probably feeling very uncomfortable with all the questions from my family. This always happened when I introduced any girls to them.

“I am not troublesome! I am good!”

“Neh, Wooyoungie is a good boy. Anyway, it was nice meeting you all! I shall see you next time!” I understood fully as to why she wanted to leave already.

“You are a nice chingu, So Eun-ah. Please come over to our house to play whenever you wish to. Wooyoung would love your company.” Umma said. Aish, my cheeks are starting to burn.

“I will! Thank you. Happy Chuseok!” She said.

“Bye, So Eunnie! See you at school!” I said, while giving her a light hug, which made my family coo.

“Bye, Wooyoung-ah.” She replied, while wrapping her arms around my waist and quickly letting go to walk away from our table.

That was the first time that So Eun had returned my hug. Normally, when I would hug her on the very rare occasion, she wouldn’t respond. She would just stand there and smile. But she hugged me back on that night and I was over the moon. Come to think of it, it was probably because we were in front of my family and she was too polite to not return the favour. But it didn’t matter to me, I was very happy regardless.

So that night was a memorable night. It was Chuseok, and I had spent my dinner with my family eating my favourite sweet and sour pork and black bean noodles. I even saw my friends from school, Ye Eun, Jieun and So Eunnie. I had surprisingly met So Eunnie’s parents and oppa. But despite us being friends, as in So Eun and I, meeting her family still made me feel strange. Maybe it was because of my feelings for her, feelings that she was unaware of. We were kids back then, so we were very naïve and clueless, or so I thought. My friends would tell me that So Eun liked me, but I knew she only treated me as a friend and had seemed much closer to Yoon Doojoon.

I have contemplated a few times as to whether I should just give up on the crush I had…but that meeting had made all those thoughts disappear. For once and for all. However, not long after, my almost 11-year-old self became confused again. Sometimes I would feel so assured and encouraged to go for gold, but there were times where I backed out from doing so, like a little coward. One of those times was on the last day of the autumn that year.

…

It was on the first day of 6^th grade and the last day of autumn. It was a new year, and I was a grade higher like all of my classmates. Thankfully, I was still placed in the same class as Ye Eunnie, Jieun and her. Before that day, I had made a goal for the year – to make her notice me as something more than a chingu. And starting from the first day, I wanted to make it happen, as quickly as possible.

After school, we decided to go out for ice cream together, to celebrate being newly crowned 6^th Graders. But, that meant that we had to follow So Eun’s oppa to go to the shop, as he was the one who drove a car. As long as I got my ice cream and I was having it with my friends and So Eun of course, I did not bother to care about anything else, back then.

We followed So Eun to her oppa’s car like a bunch of crazy, hungry kids who seemed like they had not eaten all day. As kids, we all loved ice cream and even as adults, we still would get excited like how we did. Even till this day, we would meet up sometimes, just the four of us and go to Häagen-Dazs and pig out together, for old times’ sake.

“So Eun-ah, is he coming with us too?” He still hates me…

“Of course! He is the one who loves ice cream the most!” answered So Eun. She knew me better than I knew myself. She was very understanding, and she never let go of that, not even now.

“Yah, kids, you guys can use my phone to call your parents and tell them that I am taking you out for a treat and will drop you back home safely. We don’t want those adults to get angry at me for kidnapping you kids, right?” Kim Bum hyung may have seemed a little tough on the outside, well maybe for me, but he was a guy that genuinely cared about us, as So Eun’s friends purely because of how much attention and care he has for her. He was like my Soo Ae nuna in that aspect. From that time onwards, I had grown some respect for the guy.

“Thank you, hyung.”

“Thanks oppa!”

Kim Bum hyung then began to drive out of the school’s parking lot.

About five minutes later, we had arrived at the ice cream shop located around the corner of our school. I forgot what the name was, but it surely wasn’t Häagen-Dazs. It was in 2001, so it had not opened in Seoul yet.

“Yay! We are here!”

“I am so hungry!”

The girls were very excited, as they were jumping up and down like mad.

“So Eunnie, Kim Bum hyung, do you guys like ice cream?” I asked.

“Of course, we do! If not then why are we here then?” Hyung said sarcastically. But I guess it was a stupid question.

“Yes! Strawberry ice cream is my favourite! What flavour do you like, Wooyoungie?” So Eun asked. Strawberry, of course she liked it the most. So Eun is the kind of girl who loved everything strawberry-flavoured. One time I bought the girls three different cartons of milk and So Eun grabbed the strawberry one first.

“I like chocolate! Everything must be chocolate! How about you gyus, Ye Eunnie, Jieun-ah?” I asked.

“I like banana the best!” said Jieun, giving us the thumbs up. It was cute when she did that, and yes, I was a boy who did notice these things. Even though I did not have my eyes set on Jieun-ah.

“I like vanilla. The original is always the best!” said Ye Eun. Ye Eunnie had always been the classy type of girl, so of course she liked vanilla She is an elegant, smart and pretty chingu of mine, and back then, she already established that goddess-like aura. I think if I had not set my eyes on her back then, I would have fallen for a girl like Ye Eunnie. I had always thought she had mountains beyond the standard of Kim Taeyeon.

We then decided to order our ice creams. Kim Bum hyung had ordered a waffle cone with two scoops of coffee. Jieun had ordered a banana split with a scoop of banana ice cream, as expected of the infamous banana lover. Ye Eunnie had ordered two scoops of vanilla in a cup. So Eunnie had ordered a strawberry sundae, with extra strawberries. I went with the double chocolate sundae with extra chocolate topping and sprinkles. Yes, I was that kid who loved chocolate. I think if I was not the athletic type, I would have been quite overweight and not just in my cheek region.

“Daebak! Let’s all dig in!” Hyung said.

“We will eat well!” Us four all said, before slamming our starved faces in our ice creams.

“Ye Eun-ah, do you want to try some of mine?” Jieun offered, while giving Ye Eun a spoonful of her banana ice cream.

“Thanks, Jieun-ah! Here is some of mine!” Ye Eun returned the favour.

“So Eunnie, open wide!” Hyung then fed So Eun a spoon of his coffee.

“Ew, that tastes disgusting!” She replied, which made hyung chuckle. No one at our age liked coffee.

“So Eunnie, have a spoon of my chocolate, that would get rid of the taste!” I offered, by shoving my spoon closely in front of her. She looked at my spoon for a while, before opening wide enough for me to put my spoon in. And that was our first kiss…well indirect kiss; which had shared the same happiness and glee anyway.

“You are right! That yucky coffee is gone, and now everything tastes like your chocolate!” My chocolate…she liked it.

“Yah, Jang Wooyoung! Did you just give my sister her first indirect kiss?” Kim Bum hyung with a half-joking tone.

“Yah! Wooyoungie, you are so bad!”

So Eunnie and I just blushed from their teasing. We did not realise what we had done until they mentioned it. I guess it was a big deal.

“Oh, Kim Bum hyung! So Eunnie! I see you guys are eating ice cream here too?” said a guy who looked older than us, who walked over to our table.

“Omo, Myungsoo-ah! What a coincidence! Yeah, I was just taking So Eunnie and her little friends out for a treat.”

“Oh chincha? So Eunnie! How are you, my cute little dongsaeng!” the guy said, as he ran over to So Eun’s seat and wrapped his arms around her small shoulders. Who is this guy? Why is he calling her So Eunnie? WHY IS HE HUGGING HER? This guy was good looking, even more good looking that Kim Bum hyung. So of course my younger self would have been angered by his presence…. and proximity to So Eun.

“Myungsoo oppa! I can’t breathe!” Get your hands off her, my younger self thought. Jieun and Ye Eun just looked at this Myungsoo oppa of So Eun’s with their mouths opened. The girls were amazed by his looks.

“Annyeong, So Eunnie! Are you enjoying your ice cream? Want to let oppa have some?” He said. Aish, what is wrong with this Myungsoo guy? Why is he so close to her!

“Neh, have some oppa! It is my favourite strawberry!” She then fed him. They had an indirect kiss too. That had made my younger self feel less significant than he initially thought.

“Omo, oppa, have some of mine too! I know you like coffee!” teased Kim Bum hyung, who also fed the Myungsoo guy.

“Eh? So Eunnie, are these your friends?” He asked. Yes, we are! So who are you to her?

“Neh, they are my best friends. Ye Eun, Jieun and…” She then took a deep breath.

“He is the… Jang Wooyoung…ie”

“Oh, so he is the lucky boy that is competing with me, right So Eunnie?” He is competing with me? Isn’t he a little too old for So Eunnie? I will not lose to him. I was not content with that Myungsoo guy’s actions. I found it strange, because clearly he was several years older than So Eun and he was saying things like that… That was what I thought at first, before getting to know how close they were back then. But, the thought of it was still awkward.

Kim Bum hyung then gave the guy a playful punch.

“Yah, you have nothing on Wooyoung. He’s already met my parents!” said Kim Bum hyung. True fact, jerk. Yes, I even cursed a guy who was a hyung (that I did not acknowledge) due to my frustration.

“Hah, yeah whatever.” He thinks he is just so cool.

I looked over at So Eun, who just sat there silently. Her face was clearly tensed. Jieun and Ye Eun, likewise. They had noticed something was different about my conversation with the two older boys.

“Myungsoo-ah, here are our ice creams!” an older girl came and nudged the jerk.

“Oh thanks…Hyoyeon nuna.” He has a sister. Like I cared.

“Well, I’ll see you guys later. Bye hyung, kids. Bye my sweet So Eunnie!” He said, as he caressed So Eun’s hair like a puppy, making the girl blush hard. She never liked people touching her hair, but why did she like it with Myungsoo hyung, I meant, the jerk did that to her? That was something that I did not figure out until much later, but I hated it.

I hated that Myungsoo had to interrupt our ice cream date- no hang out. I hated the fact that Kim Bum hyung had treated him nicer and did not get angry when he was flirting madly with his dongsaeng. I hated the fact that Ye Eun and Jieun were amazed by his looks, no matter how good-looking he was. I hated the way he talked to me in front of So Eun. I just hated the fact that he was so close to her in general. Even my 6^th grader self had understood that the way Kim Myungsoo had treated So Eunnie like that was not simple. He was not an average oppa. I just hated it. And when I meant hate, I hated it more than I hated wearing yellow (my least favourite colour) clothing.

Hate is a strong word that I don’t use often. That autumn day in Grade 6 was the first time I had used it. There were many things that made me confused and annoyed during that day we had ice cream together. Kim Myungsoo had caused all the ‘hatred’ I garnered. Other than that, it was memorable, not only because it was the first time we went out together to have ice cream, nor it was the awesome chocolate sundae I had but it was because So Eun and I shared a (indirect) kiss. Yes, it is childish, but it was the first time that I got that close to anything physical with a girl. And back then, I was very happy about it. I even still smile at the thought of it as an adult. Looking back, during that autumn, I had experienced many moments that I ‘loved’ but I had also experienced possessing ‘hate’ too. It was a frustrating season.