Platonic love is intimate and affectionate but not ual. We all have experienced it at least once in our lives. We may share it with our best friends, family, siblings, neighbours or other special people. I believe that the platonic love I have shared with certain special individuals had formed because of a little thing called drifting. It is not like drifting with a sports car. It is something way more complicated than that.

When did I learn how to interpret this?

It was during the autumn season of 2002.

Every year’s autumn season had always been a holiday season. That meant we had around four weeks off school to celebrate Chuseok. During Chuseok, my parents would buy many boxes of moon cakes, several fruit baskets and prepare red packets (A/N: Traditional Chinese ‘money bags’ given to young children, employees etc. for special celebrations) for our extended family and close friends. We would also have two dinner celebrations, one with my grandparents, uncles and aunts as well as my cousins and another just with our intimate family, however some years; friends of oppa and mine might tag along too.

Other than Chuseok celebrations, my friends would organise a party or movie date and we will all head out together. But there would be only two or three of those big events where the whole gang met up. Usually, I would be spending my holiday time with Jieun and Ye Eun and hanging out with my oppa. Though, in the last year of primary school, there was one more person whom I played with often.

That person was Kim Myungsoo.

…

By that autumn, I had already been learning how to play tennis for one year at Bummie oppa’s club. I really liked playing tennis, despite being hesitant when I first started. It was a great way of exercising and it really helped my young mind relax from all the stresses I had from school, haircuts and well boys or whatnot.

At the end of one of our Monday sessions, Bummie oppa wanted to see the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets at the cinema nearby our house.  That meant Myungsoo oppa, being a hardcore wizardry fan, tagged along with us. I didn’t think it would bother me because I had only saw Kim Myungsoo as a close oppa, nothing more and definitely nothing less. However, things weren’t as simple as I had initially anticipated.

“So Eun-ah, what flavoured popcorn do you want?” Bummie oppa asked, as he stood in line at the Candy Bar.

“I want caramel! Please, oppa!” Caramel popcorn. Best thing about going to the cinemas.

“Arasso. Myung-ah, what would you like?”

“Ah, I’ll just have some of So Eunnie’s. Thank you, hyung!” He always likes to eat my food…aish, this oppa. Myungsoo oppa was the type to like sharing things. Whether it came to fruits, ice cream or bubble tea; he would always ‘take-a-bite’ from mine. Even now, he is still the same.

Kim Bum oppa then moved forward along the long queue, as I waited with Myungsoo oppa from afar.

We had stood there in silence for about five minutes. This was strange because Myungsoo oppa was quite talkative so I had felt worried about him. Was he feeling sore from tennis? Was he sick? Does he not want to watch Harry Potter? Is he mad at me? All those thoughts had run through my mind, as my younger self did not deal with silence well, so I was determined to break it.

I gave Myungsoo oppa a little poke on his waist. He twitched in return, rather cutely I must say. He doesn’t have cute moments like this often, but when he did, I could never help myself to not admire him goofily.

“Yah! What was that for?” He finally talked! Myungsoo oppa poked me back in return.

“I was just checking if you were still day-dreaming or not.” I teased, as I poked my tongue out, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Myungsoo oppa then tried to use his fingers to magically ‘cut-off’ my tongue. I had almost bitten his fingers too. I was playful like that.

“I’m not day-dreaming. Aigoo, when did my So Eunnie become so cheeky?” He said, as he pinched my cheeks until they burned in pain.

“Ow! Oppa it hurts! Stop!” I complained before trying to poke him again.

“Arasso, I’ll let you off then.” Myungsoo oppa said, as he my cheeks to ease the pain he caused. But somehow, as he was my rosy cheeks, I had felt them getting warmer and warmer. Why am I like this? I had asked myself, but I couldn’t find the answer. My almost 12-year-old-self couldn’t comprehend that when a handsome (Yes, I always knew that Myungsoo oppa had beyond ordinary looks) had pinched or a girl’s cheeks, it is hard not to feel flustered.

I took his hands off my face softly, as I saw Bummie oppa return with our caramel popcorn and drinks.

“Thank you oppa! You’re the best!”

“Thanks hyung.”

Myungsoo oppa helped oppa with the popcorn, as I took my own drink. We then entered the theatre that the guy at the desk had told us to go to.

We entered the theatre and the two oppas walked in front of me to find our seats in the eleventh row.

Bummie oppa settled for the first seat with Myungsoo oppa taking the second seat leaving me with the third seat. I had initially wanted to sit next to Bummie oppa, because whenever we watched movies that may or may not have a threatening ‘I-can’t-watch’ moment, I would always need him to comfort me. I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t want to bother Myungsoo oppa with my screams and tears or whatnot.

The movie had started pretty tamely. Harry and his friends were going to classes, done some impressive spells and mixed around some potions. Though, that didn’t last long until that inevitable frightening scene came onto the screen. Yes, it was that scene with that horrible, attacking snake that spoke the same snake-language as Harry. And what was my reaction? I let out a loud scream and turned my head away from the screen…only to see,

Myungsoo oppa bursting in laughter.

I gave him a punch in the ribs and he had grabbed my abusing hand while placing his other hand on my eyes.

“So Eun-ah, be quiet! Try not to scream. Myung-ah, please look after her.” Bummie oppa demanded. Myungsoo oppa had smirked to himself for some reason I was not aware of. There are many things that I weren’t aware of when it came to this mysterious oppa of mine.

“No worries hyung. I’ll look after her! So Eunnie, don’t watch this part. You’ll be scared again.” Myungsoo oppa said softly, as he didn’t take off his hand off of my eyes. I felt his tender touch from his fingers that were gently calming my trembles.

After another minute, he removed his hands from my eyes and hand.

“You can look now, the scary snake is gone.” He assured, as I slowly opened my eyes.

“T-thank you, Myungsoo oppa.”

“No worries…if you feel scared, just hold my hand like this.” Why does he like to do hold my hand? But, I do feel safer when oppa holds my hand. I have nothing to be scared of now. I thought of Myungsoo oppa’s gentle and affectionate actions as purely platonic but as time went by, this thought has been constantly blurred.

“Neh, oppa…”

We then continued to watch the rest of the movie with Myungsoo oppa’s hand tightly gripped onto mine, to the extent where I could feel sweat forming on my palms.

After the movie had ended, Myungsoo oppa had to go home first, meaning that that night he wouldn’t be sleeping over. Little did I know, my heart had felt a bit of disappointment. I wanted to continue our fun day. I wanted to feel the warmth of his hand. I wanted to feel more protection from him. Though, still, only as a close oppa at least on that day.

…

During the last week of our Chuseok holidays, my friends and I were bound to have our last social event. So, whose turn was it to host an event?

Jang Wooyoung.

Wooyoung had offered to our group of friends to visit his house for dinner and a night of playing cards. I had remembered that during the last Chuseok, I had met him and his family at the Chinese restaurant. His mother had happily invited me to visit their house whenever I wanted, but obviously I didn’t dare to. Who geos to people’s houses without a proper invitation? Wooyoung never asked me, or our friends, to come over before. And honestly, I hadn’t wished to go over either, especially since my realisation in the summer the year before.

Going back to the summer of Grade 6… It was a rather stressful summer. Many things happened, including a Social Dance where I had went with Doojoon. Although I was close with Doojoon, that night was still painful. All I remember, or want to remember, was seeing my first love attached to another girl’s hands and body while totally ignoring my existence. It was a time where jealousy had driven me to realise the bigger picture.

I believed that timing was the most important factor in a relationship in any kind.

That chingu had finally confessed to me. He told me that he sincerely liked me since the first day he came to our school. However, I did not believe him at all. I guess I was just burned from the jealousy I felt and had already decided on one conclusion so I told him:

“I’m stupid enough let myself fall out of love with you.”

That statement had literally dug up both of our feelings in a hole. It was true though, at the time I really did start to feel that my feelings were starting to decline. And that night just consolidated that gut feeling.

Since that day, Wooyoung and I continued to be friends. We never spoke about that incident again. The awkwardness never faded away either. I didn’t know about how he felt, nor did I dare to ask. But, I knew that deep down in my young heart, I was not in love with him, but that didn’t mean that I could confidently say I did not like him anymore.

So, when Wooyoung had called me, I happily accepted his invitation. We were still best friends, so what kind of ‘BFF’ would I have been if I rejected it childishly? Despite still being children anyway.

I had decided to buy some fruits and a special gift for Wooyoung and his family because my parents had taught me not to rock up to someone else’s house empty handed.

I was looking forward to going to that event, not only because I was excited to see the girls and the others (Doojoon included) but I did feel ever so slightly excited to see Wooyoung too.

…

It was a Friday night and since my parents had to go out for a dinner with their own friends, Bummie oppa had to drive me to Wooyoung’s house.

It took me a while to get dressed, as my picky younger self had contemplated about ten different outfits to wear. I ended up wearing a white blouse with a bow and a pair of navy high-waisted shorts. I left my hair down with slight curls on the ends, as I knew it was how Wooyoung liked it. Though, he probably wouldn’t take notice.

“So Eun-ah! Are you done yet? It’s not like your going to marry into the Jang family. Let’s go already!” Oppa yelled. Marry…into the Jang family? Marry…Wooyoungie? Aish, stop thinking!

“I’m ready now! Let’s go!” I said, as I left my room holding the gift bags.

After fifteen minutes, we had arrived to Wooyoung’s house. I used the car mirror to take one last glance of how I had looked, just in case for any minor smudges to my lip-gloss. I obviously cared a little too much about my appearance.

“Have fun, So Eunnie! Treat Wooyoung's parents well! I’ll come and pick you up at 10:30pm okay?” Oppa said.

“I will, don’t you worry. Neh, thank you oppa! But what are you going to do during this time?” I asked.

“Well, your Myung oppa is coming over again to play games with me.” Myung oppa…again.

“Oh. Okay, bye oppa!”

“Bye, So Eunnie!”

Bummie oppa then drove off, as I walked towards the front door of the house. The house, well it was a double-storey and was cream coloured with touches of grey in some parts. It was pretty.

I pressed the doorbell once, and a second time accidently. I was just a little nervous.

“Hey, So Eunnie. You came.” Wooyoung greeted with a soft smile as he opened the door.

“Hi, Wooyoungie. Yeah, sorry I’m late…I got caught up with a few things.” I said shyly.

“No worries, the others had just arrived anyway. Um, those are…?”

“For you and your family. Happy Chuseok, Wooyoung-ah.” I said, as I gave him a light hug with the arm that was not holding the gift bags. Though, this time he didn’t return my hug. He just took the bags out of my hands.

“You didn’t have to…but thank you.” Wooyoung said. He suddenly then patted my head with his fingers, and then threaded them through the curls in my hair.

“Wooyoungie…” This was awkward. He still makes my heart flutter when he does this…even after what happened. My cheeks began to turn pink at his touch. I always had blushed rather easily.

 “Your hair looks nice, that’s all. Please come inside, So Eunnie.” Wooyoung acknowledged gently. When Wooyoung spoke softly to me, I couldn’t help but to melt at his caring tone. I preferred it when he spoke like this, especially over his angry tone.

Wooyoung lead me into his dining room, and our friends were already seated in their seats. Jieun, Ye Eun, Jo Kwon, Chansung, Kikwang and even Doojoon had all arrived before I did.

“Hey guys! Happy Chuseok! Sorry I’m late…”

“So Eunnie! You’re here!” Jieun and Ye Eun stood up to pull me into a group hug.

“Yeah, I made it.”

As the girls had let go of me, I went over to the boys’ side of the table.

“Annyeong! How are you boys doing lately?”

“So Eunnie, annyeong! Happy Chuseok! We’ve been good!” The boys greeted.

“So Eun-ah! I’ve missed you!” Doojoon said, as he also stood up and had given me a hug. Though our exchange didn’t last for long as someone had stepped in to break us apart. That person slipped his hand into mine after making Doojoon pull away from me.

He hasn’t held my hand in a while. I miss this feeling.

“So Eunnie, you have gifts for my parents right? They’re in the kitchen…” Wooyoung suggested, while swapping glances at Doojoon and I, though the glances at the latter were quite furious.

Why is he like this again? I asked myself. I had thought that we were beyond that phase of jealousy. What we had felt for each other that autumn was clearly not the same as before. So, I could not comprehend why Wooyoung was behaving like that again.

“Neh, I’ll be right back Doojoon-ah.” I said, before Wooyoung dragged me into the kitchen.

“Oh, I remember you! You are that girl that we met at the Chinese restaurant last year. It’s So Eun right?”  Mrs. Jang said.

“Neh, annyeonghaesayo Mrs. Jang! It is nice to see you again.”

“Oh, Wooyoung-ah, is she that friend that you were talking about?” He talks about me to his parents?

“Neh, appa. Meet Kim So Eun, my best friend from school.” Wooyoung introduced.

“Annyeonghaesayo, Mr. Jang!”

“So Eun-ah, annyeong. How have you been?” He asked.

“Neh, I have been good since it’s the holidays. Oh, I’ve brought along some small gifts for you. Please accept them!” I said kindly, before handing the gift bags to them.

“Omo, you didn’t have to, silly girl! Thank you so much!” Mrs. Jang thanked.

“Thanks for the gifts. Well, since the food is ready, please help us take them out to the table kids.” Mr. Jang ordered.

So, Wooyoung and I followed his orders and went to help Mrs. Jang set up the table before returning to our seats. Wooyoung sat next to his Umma, as I sat beside Jieun and Doojoon.

“We will eat well! Thank you, Mrs. and Mr. Jang!”

As kids, having such a scrumptious meal of traditional Korean foods for Chuseok was special. After dinner, we all headed to Wooyoung’s activity room where we would hold a ‘battle of cards’ game. We played ‘snap’, which had caused our hands to turn red and swollen. We also played ‘cheat’, which was very fun and everyone had teased each other when they were calling the ‘cheaters’. We finished with a string of ‘Big 2’ games where several chingus had vented their anger out by dropping a few curse words. Yep, we did start to curse in Grade 7, just like everyone else.

Time flew past quickly that night, and before we knew it, it was already over. Ye Eun’s parents were the first to arrive, followed by Kwon’s who were taking Chansung home too. Not long after, Doojoon’s appa came too. My oppa was taking awfully long to get here, as he said ‘One last game’ over the phone, but god knows how long that last game would have lasted. But I found it weird to see both of Kikwang and Jieun were still here. Jieun is usually the one who leaves first at events, and Kikwang usually rides with Doojoon. My younger self wondered why their parents were so late. I had become worried for them.

“Eh? You guys are still here? Are your parents running late? Do you need to call them?” Wooyoung kindly offered, showing his concern for his friends. It wasn’t early anymore, as it was already 11pm.

“Neh…well Umma will be coming to pick us up.” Kikwang said, in attempt to hide his shyness away from us three. The way he tried was cute.

“Us?!” Wooyoung and I yelled in shock. Since when?

“Aish you two! Kikwang’s Umma insisted to take me home like last time since it’s on the way.” Jieun confessed, as Kikwang’s face was still avoiding the other two’s.

“Last time? Lee Jieun! You’re digging up your own grave now!” I teased, before we had heard a few car-beeping sounds. Saved by the bell.

“Okay, my Umma is here! Bye guys and thanks Woo for inviting us! Happy Chuseok!” Kikwang stuttered before taking Jieun’s hand and walked out the door together. Were they an item? No. At least not yet.

“Bye guys! Don’t have too much fun, Jieun-ah!” I teased.

“Thanks for coming! Good night!” Wooyoung said as we both waved the two lovebirds goodbye.

Then it was just the two of us…. again.

Why is it always me who’s the last to leave?

“So Eunnie.” He whispered.

“What’s up Wooyoung-ah?”

“Is someone coming to pick you up?” He asked, and I nodded in response.

“Neh, oppa should be on his way…”

“So, Wooyoung-ah. How has your holidays been? We’re going back to school next week…” I tried to make conversation between us, in attempt to break the ice wall.

“It was good.” He answered bluntly. Okay, this is not going to work.

“Okay, I’m not going to start a fight with you but I want to ask you a serious question.” I finally broke the ice and I had wanted to absolutely destroy every single particle that was left with the fire coming from my so-called burning courage.

“And what is that?” He asked coldly. Wooyoungie must have split personalities. Maybe he really is crazy. But, I did not know why he was presumably crazy. Though, looking back, it probably was due to something associated with me.

“Do you not see me as a friend anymore? Do you not like me anymore? Do you hate me? Please, tell me Wooyoung-ah. I can’t take this and I don’t want us to keep on drifting apart.” I confessed, with pleading eyes.

“You are my best friend. I had said before in Grade 5 that I would never hate you. But the truth is…”

“Is what?”

“…That I stopped liking you when you said that you already fell out of love with me.”

I had cried again, from the outside and in. He didn’t move, neither did I. He just stood there with an expressionless face contrary to the warm one I had seen earlier that night. Thank god, for oppa coming shortly after those words. Yes, I ran away quickly again with tears streaming from my eyes.

Did I expect this from happening? I sure did.

But did it lessen my pain? No.

Did his words make me forget completely about any small feelings I still had?

I really don’t know.

I learnt that drifting was dangerous. Not just in relation to cars. It’s the same for people as well. Distractions, seeing other people and changing usual behaviours don’t satisfy us. Yes, they give us temporary happiness, but are they strong enough to make us forget? Most likely not. No matter how hard I tried, my car’s ability to drift kept on getting stronger and stronger, with each turn getting way too sharp for me to control. I had conceded that when people start to drift, it is way too difficult to untie those very tight and intricate knots in the engine. That meant closing the gap to return how it was at the beginning is almost mission impossible because once love becomes platonic, or even touches the idea of it, there may not be a way back.