JWY

Winter is cold. Winter can be depressing. But winter for me is miraculous. Maybe it is because I’m a Seoul city man who is actually a Busan man trying to become that type of man who thinks it is normal to wear draped coats without putting his arms through the sleeves. Maybe it is because I like the sensation that eating chocolate ice cream in below zero degrees temperature offers me. Maybe it is because I feel envious and nostalgic when I see couples who walk on the streets with the girlfriend’s hand held tightly inside the boyfriend’s pocket.

Miracles don’t come by often, and when they do, they may not last as long as people want them to. I’ve learnt that when these special gifts are sent to us, people should always try their best to cherish and appreciate them and never let them escape from your life.

The first time I had learnt this life lesson was in the winter season of 2002.

…

During the icy weather of 2002, we were all very stressed and busy. End of year exams were nearing, sport carnivals were being held, dancing classes were close to commencing and this was all during the six weeks before our graduation. For my 12-year-old self, it was almost too much to handle. It was bearable for me but threatening for some. Unfortunately, my two friends had fallen into that dark trap and it had impacted all of us.

…

Jieun and Kikwang had gotten together in the autumn that year. They liked each other to bits and it surely took them a while to realise their true feeling. As friends already sensed that they shared something special between them and with some small pushes here and there, they became a couple.

I used to be very envious of the two but more so than anyone else. Whenever I saw them holding hands, walking to and from school together, sharing bear hugs, kisses on the cheek and whatnot – I couldn’t help but to say to myself;

‘That could have been me.’

It could have been Kim So Eun and I, sharing romantic and fluttery moments together like Jieun and Kikwang. We would have been just as happy as they are. However, people say that two big blows to the head are enough to kill. That was what happened to me back then, but the blows I faced didn’t kill everything. It almost did, but I had kept a few grains from the ‘explosion’ left over inside of my young heart. But, that didn’t meant I still had hope of anything.

My stupid self had hurt the girl way too many times to even think about asking her to become my girlfriend in the future. It was mission impossible. So Eun and I had already returned to our normal friendship by the end of autumn. We still talked, we still waited for each other after class, we still ate lunch and ice cream together…we just acted like nothing happened. So, my younger self was not selfish enough to change what we shared, nor was he daring enough to push So Eun to her limits again. And the way things turned out for Jieun and Kikwang, made me realise that it was a good choice to deny her confessions, and my own.

“Wooyoung-ah, I can’t do it anymore. Jieunnie has been going too crazy lately.” Kikwang approached me one day on the soccer pitch during lunchtime, and when he confessed this to me, I read it, as it was time for the ‘bro-code’.

I patted Kikwang’s shoulder to show my support.

“Kikwang-ah, don’t worry. I know she has been very stressed about her exams so that’s probably why you think she is annoying. I think she just wants you to show her more care that’s all.” Bear with her chingu. Hang in there tough because she’s a great girl and my best friend.

“But I’m stressed too! She doesn’t need to call me every hour at night to tell me each little thing!” whined Kikwang. Girls can be bothersome, but if we were in their shoes, then we could understand why.

“Yah, why don’t you just talk to her seriously? Yelling at her and telling her to stop it won’t help at all. She’ll be out of your hands super quickly if you keep on acting like that. You don’t want that to happen do you?” I had tried my best to convince Kikwang to settle things with Jieun. They were a young Grade 7 couple who had their problems and can’t express their feelings well. It’s going to be rocky roads at times and it was hard to deal with. It was times like this that reminded my younger self that I had made the right decision.

“Of course not! I love Jieunnie! I will never want her out of my sight.” Kikwang replied.

“Then you better treat her nicely and give her a surprise very soon. Girls need to feel loved. If you hurt her, I am not going to be happy with you, arasso?” I warned.

“Arasso, I’ll spoil her after school at the ice cream shop and talk to her. Trust me Woo, I won’t hurt the girl I love. That’s the last thing I would do.” Kikwang said while he was visibly more encouraged after my words.

“Okay, good luck then! Lunch is over, let’s go quickly!” I said, while running off the soccer pitch.

“Yah! Wait! Can you please come too? Just to make me feel comfortable? What if I back out?” Kikwang pleaded.

“Alright, I guess I could…but if it’s just me and you two, I might swallow on my own vomit…” I said hesitantly. No one likes being the light bulb, no matter at what age.

“We aren’t that bad!”

“Yes you are! I can’t stand you two sometimes. Gross.” We bickered along, until Kikwang made his last attempt in forcing me to tag along with him and his girl.

“How about you ask So Eunnie or Ye Eunnie to come with you then? You three are best friends so Jieunnie won’t feel suspicious.” So Eunnie…you must be kidding.

“Ye Eunnie has a group meeting, so I can’t go then.” I replied quickly.

“Then what about So Eunnie?” Kikwang asked, as I had given him a stern look.

“Aigoo, you two are fine again right? So what’s the problem?” You don’t get it, Kikwang! Oh, there were many problems, emotionally, that Kikwang was not aware of.

“Nothing…it’s just when you two leave for your ‘talk’ then what are we going to do?” I complained.

“Continue your own date?” Kikwang suggested. Date? What? Impossible. I had punched him in hard on his arm, which made him clutch it tightly.

“Yah, okay! You can leave too! Do anything! But Woo, please come! I really need your help.” Kikwang begged. Aish, this guy…Why am I such a good friend for?

“Arasso, get up now. I’ll go with you then! You’re such a pussycat. You’re going to ask So Eunnie to come right?” I had finally given in to Kikwang, but seriously, what choice did I have honestly?

“You’re the man Woo! Thank you so much! Aniyo, that’s your job!” My job? What did I get myself into?

“LEE KIKWANG, JANG WOOYOUNG! GET TO CLASS NOW!” A teacher shouted, which made Kikwang sprint away from me at the speed of light.

That really did mean that I had to ask So Eun out… for ice cream that is. Only ice cream. But if it was only ice cream, why had I felt so nervous in doing so? I wanted to believe that it was just like any other time when we went together, but the fact that it would only be Kikwang and Jieun and us two, it made me worry more than I should. Even when it was not a double date since So Eun and I were obviously not dating at the time.

Just before last period, which was our P.E class, I had finally garnered up the courage to ask her. As I left the classroom, I caught her on the way to her locker so I quickly tapped her shoulder.

“Hey, So Eunnie! Wait!”  I yelled rather frantically.

She jolted in shock after my loud call for her. She probably had felt like jelly at that moment.

“Oh, Wooyoung-ah! How many times do I have to tell you not to scare me like that?” So Eun exclaimed, while panting her chest with a frown on her face. I really had to stop that annoying habit of mine.

“Sorry, So Eunnie…I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” I apologised, while patting her head.

“It’s okay, Woo. You know how I’m like when I get shocked. Sorry for exploding on you. What’s up?” Thank god, she’s not actually angry with me…

“Ah, well…after school… Do you want to go eat some ice cream?” I asked, while shuffling my two feet. It wasn’t the first time that I had asked her to go out after school, but each time I still had that tingling feeling when I let out those words from my mouth. By that day in winter, I already decided that I had stopped liking her but as a 12-year-old, the feelings I had deep inside were still unclear and I hadn’t realised what they meant either.

“Just us two?” So Eun asked with an undefined expression. I wasn’t sure if she was keen or not.

“Ani, with Jieunnie and Kikwang. They’ve been on a rocky road for the past few days so he wanted to talk to her about some things. So, he asked me to help him…and he wanted you to keep me company…” I blurted out.

“Oh...yeah…” So Eun nodded in response.

“But you don’t have to come if you don’t want to…I can just ask Tae or Chansung…” I suggested. Aish, why did I have to say Kim Taeyeon’s name? So Eunnie doesn’t like her a lot…Pabo! My younger self had mentally slapped himself due to his stupidity. I knew that So Eun had never liked Taeyeon all that much, Taeyeon had a lot of beef with her and after the Social Dance incident…she never spoke to her again despite being seatmates for a year.

“Don’t ask Kim Taeyeon!” So Eun demanded. She still hates her guts…

“Eh?”

“I mean…don’t go with her because she doesn’t even talk to Jieun let alone Kikwang. She wouldn’t know what to do…I’ll go with you, Wooyoung-ah. I’ll go!” Assa, thank god she agreed! I knew she would anyway. Best friends don’t refuse each other.

“Okay cool. Um, I’ll wait for you after class like normal?” I said.

“Arasso. See you after class, Wooyoungie.” So Eun said, before running away from my sight, which I had found strange since we were in the same P.E class. Sometimes, I didn’t know what went on in that girl’s head, which made life for me rather well…frustrating.

We had played mixed basketball during that day’s P.E class. The class was separated into two teams, and I was on the same team was Kikwang, Chansung, Ye Eun and…So Eun. I wasn’t sure why, but I still had the burning desire to impress my friend, to show her how capable I was. Sadly, due to my height, basketball was never my thing. That day, I tripped over my own feet, missed a few hoops and failed to defend the other team’s star player. So much for impressing her. Though, she was probably to occupied with analysing the way Jieun was ignoring Kikwang’s ‘I-am-the-champion’ moves. Or at least that was what I had hoped.

After an hour, the game was finally finished and the bell could not come any faster for me. Our team lost by about 15 points and I only scored once while Chansung had scored the most of the points. We were football specialists not basketball stars unless we were Yoon Doojoon. He was a chingu that gained the envy of many, but my young ego was too large to join the pack that did.

I had gone straight into the change rooms to change out of my gym uniform into my normal uniform and bombarded my odour-smelling body with deodorant. No, it wasn’t (just) for her. It was for myself, I mean guys know when they smell bad too. When I finished getting dressed, I went over to Kikwang’s side and dragged him quickly to wait outside the girls’ changerooms. Yes, I didn’t forget that I actually was just going for ice cream to save my friends’ relationship problems not for you know…dating purposes.

“Wooyoung-ah, I’m scared.” Kikwang blurted out.

“Kikwang-ah, don’t worry! Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you!” My younger self encouraged the hopeless chingu.

“If you say so…”

“Well, it looks like your chance has come…”

“My baby Kikwang!” Jieun screamed as she leaped into Kikwang’s arms.

Are they even fighting at all? Little did I know that young couples loved to quarrel and if single people’s actions fluctuated like how my two friends’ did, then they would be considered as borderline psychotics.

“Hey babe.” Oh god, get me out of here now! Where is she? PDA; it has always been something that disgusted me but I got used it. It was a thing that I wanted to vomit while watching it occur, but it was a thing that I shamelessly wanted to do with my girlfriends too.

“Aish, you two…Where is—“ Just as I was about to ask where the missing chingu was, she appeared right in front of us behind the cuddling couple.

“I’m here! Now shove love and her lover. Let’s go already! Wooyoung wants his ice cream now can’t you see his drool?” So Eun said as she broke through the couple’s embrace and coming over to my side, slipping her arm over my shoulder. This was purely a friendly move from So Eun. But it didn’t fail to make my young heart skip a beat at her touch, even after almost three years of…inconsistently being friend zoned.

“Ah—uh, neh, let’s go…um, the chocolate sundae is calling ‘Woo Appa’” I was never the funny type of guy. My friends didn’t laugh as they just slapped my arm in return. Am I really that lame?

“Aish, Jang Wooyoung!” The three exclaimed.

“Arasso, arasso. I’ll stop telling jokes. Let’s just go then!” I said in embarrassment and walked as quickly as possible, away from my friends.

“Yah, wait up Wooyoungie!” I had immediately started to slow down after hearing her voice. Oh yeah, So Eunnie doesn’t want to be the light bulb too…

So Eun reached me at the speed of light and had hooked arms with me. She leaned closer, and I had felt her breathe on my neck and towards my earlobes. My younger self stiffened at our proximity. Who wouldn’t regardless of the age? Kim So Eun wasn’t exactly the normal type of girl. She was my best friend.

“So, it looks like we don’t need to go and help them make up now do we?” She whispered into my ear, and reverted her head behind us. I had followed her action, seeing Kikwang giving Jieun a few kisses on her cheeks.

“They may look okay, but later you’ll see that they are far from it.” I warned So Eun as we both stared at the couple suspiciously.

So, the four of us walked to the ice cream shop together. The walk was rather awkward. Jieun and Kikwang walked together, while holding hands but they did not exchange any words between them. At one minute they are like on a happy virus and another they are as silent as snails. Young love…I couldn’t understand it. So Eun and I had tried to bring up some conversation, but the ‘troubled’ couple was basically unresponsive.

Upon arriving at the shop, the girl next to me had poked my ribs. I had immediately given her my attention.

“Yah, what are we going to do with them? They aren’t even talking right now!” She whispered.

“Don’t worry, So Eunnie. Kikwang has got Jieun covered. We’ll just eat ice cream and chat a bit and then leave them to work things out…” I answered softly.

“If you say so…” She said hesitantly.

“Aigoo, So Eunnie. They’ll be okay…don’t stress.” I said, while the worried girl’s cheek. What am I doing? I shouldn’t be touching her like this…

I had felt So Eun’s cheeks warming up against my hand. She didn’t push my affection away, as she just stayed still, without even flinching. She even smiled at me shyly. I didn’t know why she was acting like this, but I knew that it made my heart race faster than usual. Maybe she still had feelings for me? I was never quite sure, no matter how much I thought I knew about her.

“Yah, you two! What are you doing to our So Eunnie, Jang Wooyoung?!” Jieun snapped, causing us to quickly pull away from our little moment.

“Ah-uh…nothing. Let’s go in!” I said, while rushing past my friends and went in to find a seat first.

I had ordered my usual double chocolate sundae while So Eun ordered strawberries and cream frozen yoghurt. And being the young gentleman that I am (even now), I had paid for hers too. We were kind of, more or less, in a way…on a double date, so I felt obliged to do so. Kikwang and Jieun shared a chocolate and banana waffle.

“Omo, yours looks so good! Is it tasty?” So Eun said, rather awkwardly.

“Neh. It’s nice.” Jieun answered bluntly, as Kikwang nodded in agreement.

“It’s like the best of both worlds! Jieunnie, you love banana and Kikwang-ah I suppose you’re a chocolate boy like I am!” I had given my best shot too, but I failed. This was going nowhere.

“So, um, are you guys studying for the exams next week?” Jieun asked with her bleak expression. She was clearly disturbed by the tense atmosphere but she just didn’t know how to deal with it at that moment.

“Of course! We are good students, right Wooyoungie?” So Eun encouraged, with pleading eyes.

“Heh, is that even a question? I’m like a model student….So Eunnie, do you want the last bit of my chocolate?” I asked, while winking at the girl.

“Okay.”

I then shoved a big spoonful into So Eun’s mouth while deliberately smudging it all over her.

“Omo, So Eun! What the hell Woo!” Kikwang and Jieun both yelled. Finally a reaction from the both of them.

“YAH JANG WOOYOUNG! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!” Sorry, chingu-ah. You’ll understand…

“My bad…Anyway, since we’ve finished, we need to rush home because So Eun’s oppa is calling for her to get home…And you two chingus better work things out. For real, arasso?” I urged the two clueless lovebirds, as I pulled So Eun up from her seat.

“Yeah! You two better make up properly! Or else my chocolaty mouth would go to waste! Annyeong, kids!” She is a smart girl so of course she got my point.

So Eun clasped her hand with mine and we quickly left the shop together,  leaving the two kids alone. We had hoped they could sort their stresses out, since we knew that they really liked each other and was just worried about school.

“They aren’t going to break up right Wooyoung?” So Eun asked, while staring into my eyes.

“I hope not. They will be heartbroken if they did.”

“Yeah, Jieun would be devastated. Kikwang would be depressed too. I know that he really likes her. Apparently he’s liked her since Grade Four.” Grade Four…that’s even longer than my…crush.

“Well, that’s why I don’t understand people who date right now. It’s pointless.” We are hurt more than happy. We should be enjoying our last year in primary school. That is what I thought, and it was logical anyway. When we fall in love for the first time, how likely is that love going to be your last anyway? If I could place my biggest bet on it, I would say no. That is, unless a miracle happened.

“Is that what you think?” So Eun asked in a change of tone. She had seemed serious.

“I—uh…” I hesitated, again.

Before I could try to finish my answer, I suddenly hear heavy steps and crying sounds. Oh dear god, no way.

“Wooyoung! What do we do? I think Jieunnie’s crying! That bastard! He hurt her!” Omo, Kim So Eun just cursed Kikwang! She is fuming.

“Yah, don’t curse Kikwang like that, we don’t even know what happened.” I defended.

“Woo! Whose side are you on? How could you defend him? She’s crying! You boys are the same.” Uh, excuse me? Is she really fighting with me now? This is so stupid.

“I’m not taking sides! I’m just—“ I had raised my voice, before I noticed the door slamming open and a girl running away with loud weeps. Jieun is crying. What the hell happened?

Then Kikwang had run out of the shop and ran in the opposite direction.

Things did not turn out for the two like how we predicted. Before we ran after our two friends, So Eun and I had exchanged a blank faced moment. We both had stared into each other’s eyes, pleading for answers and solutions but we were left at bay.

“We are going to have our work cut out now, Wooyoungie.”

Maybe it is a good thing that…we aren’t together like Jieun and Kikwang.

Dating seems too hard.

It is indeed very hard, and I still believe so. So back then, I don’t regret on not accepting the certain confessions I received because treasuring what I had, which was a faithful relationship with a person, a girl who I considered as my best friend. What were the chances of being together for a lifetime? How was I so sure that she was my first and would be my last? I still don’t know the answer to that question but by the end of the winter that year, I finally understood how important she was to me and how shattered I would be without her in my life as a 12-year-old.