In the summer, there is a feeling of desire to enjoy the bright sunshine and hot weather to the fullest. In the winter, the sensation of drinking one hot chocolate after another beside the warmth of a heater causes that warmth, or the need for it, to linger around our ice-cold hearts. Winter for me, has always been a season where I would continuously crave for more excitement. In the summer season, I don’t need to look forward to anything, since each day is full of the warmth from the sunshine. It’s strange. When the weather is cold, there’s this desire to feel warm and loved, meaning that the certain lingering feelings would resurface; creating an endless stream of imaginations. These feelings never fail to complicate what reality actually presented them as.

The first time I had experienced lingering feelings was during the end of winter in 2003.

The very first time that I went on a holiday overseas was in 2003, where my family and Myungsoo oppa’s family went on a trip together. I was freshly graduated from primary school and was craving for some real fun times that would distract me from facing one painful fact. Was it all too much to ask for a 12-year-old? To let my shoulders loosen, take a break and just care a lot less about the world? It was definitely easier back then.

My parents, Bummie oppa and I had arrived at the airport ten minutes later than the time we were meant to meet Myungsoo oppa and his family. Umma always took her time when heading out of the house. It’s hard to be a leading woman.

We unloaded the taxi and made our way into the airport, in search for the other Kim’s. It didn’t take long to notice them.

“Omo, mianhae, we are so late! Annyeong, Insoo-yah, Woosung-ah!” Appa said, as we followed him to ahjumma and ahjussi.

Walking beside oppa with my hand pushing on side of the trolley stacked with our suitcases, we reached our meeting point. Then oppa had suddenly abandoned me with the trolley and ran towards to an older girl standing behind ahjumma and ahjussi. How rude of him not to greet oppa’s parents first? Eh? Where was Myung oppa anyway?

I of course, being the innocent and polite child in the family had greeted them at the moment I saw them.

“Annyeonghaesayo Insoo ahjumma, Woosung ahjussi!” I said brightly, as I ran into their opening arms.

“Aigoo, annyeong So Eun-ah! It’s been a while hasn’t it? You’ve gotten prettier!” Ahjumma complimented, making me blush.

“Aniyo, ahjumma…”

“How has our little So Eunnie been? Congratulations on your graduation by the way! You’re growing up so fast!” Ahjussi said.

They were very kind people and over the years our families have gotten closer. They treated me like I was their own, and I’ve always been grateful for that.

“Thank you, ahjussi. Eh, I don’t see Myungsoo oppa here?” I subtly asked.

I then noticed Bummie oppa finally pulling away from the girl. She was Hyoyeon unnie. I wondered to myself at that time, if the two had something fishy going on but I just brushed those thoughts aside.

“Myungie just went to the bathroom, So Eunnie.” Hyoyeon unnie said as she came over to my side, leaving my oppa hanging. I couldn’t read the expression he had on his face. But he looked well…disappointed.

“Annyeonghaesayo, Hyoyeon unnie! Okay…”

A moment later Myungsoo oppa appeared in front of my young eyes. He was dressed in his usual dark blue hoodie and dark blue jeans. He looked handsome, heck, he was the most (or second) handsome boy I knew back then. He really effortlessly looks good in dark, simple clothing. It didn’t take long for me to realise his perfection.

“Myungsoo oppa!” I called, while running towards him. He’s here! My younger self was overjoyed upon seeing him. The excitement of holidaying in the US got to me. Myungsoo oppa wrapped his arms around me for a tight hug.

“So Eunnie, annyeong. Congrats on your graduation.” Myungsoo oppa said tenderly, as he my wavy hair. The affection shared between us, honestly, did not bother me at that age. I liked it because it felt like the love that Bummie oppa gave to me as a brother.

“Thank you, Myungsoo oppa…” I said, before quickly pulling away.

“Yah, Myungsoo-ah are you ready to go yet? Hyoyeon nuna and the oldies are waiting for you. Did you have the runs or something?” Bum oppa teased, before slipping his hand into Hyoyeon unnie’s. Hm, why is oppa holding unnie’s hand like that? Does he like her? At that time, I never noticed Bummie oppa’s different feelings before. I felt like he was looking forward to spending three weeks with her rather than us as his family.

“Neh, hyung…”

“Come on kids, it’s time to go now.” Our parents urged.

Bummie oppa had abandoned our trolley once again for Hyoyeon unnie. Aish, this oppa is just… I had let out a slight grunt in annoyance, while struggling to push the trolley. Suddenly, Myungsoo oppa came from behind and grabbed trolley into his hands.

“Let me push it. Looks like your oppa is busy.”

I just nodded and followed his lead.

Boarding the 7am flight to New York, I was meant to sit next to Bummie oppa beside the window in Row 10 but he had ditched me once again to sit next to Hyoyeon unnie in the middle seats. I was annoyed, but I sensed that Bummie oppa probably would have enjoyed Hyoyeon unnie’s company more than mine. She has always been a nice, out-going and playful ‘out-there’ kind of girl. She was older than all of us.  She is two years older than Bummie oppa, three years older than her dongsaeng and seven older than me. Her glamorous looks resembled those of an international supermodel brought her plenty of male attention, my oppa included. It was amusing to see my oppa all ‘lovey-dovey’, since he never brought his girlfriends home before.

That left me sitting next to Myungsoo oppa instead. I didn’t mind, and I was sure he didn’t either. It wasn’t a big deal. During that flight, he had held my hand during take off and land off, as I was scared, he lent his shoulder for me to sleep on, he wiped my drool for me while I was asleep, he woke me up for each meal and even listened to my silly stories. I couldn’t complain. He cared for me for the most part of the long-hour flight. It was nice and carefree, until he asked me a question that I dreaded.

“So Eunnie, can oppa ask you something?” He said, while tapping on my arm. I lifted my head off from his shoulder and turned to face him with my sleepy eyes.

“Sure, oppa. What is it?”

“Do you like oppa?” He asked. Huh? Why is he asking me this? I like him but I don’t know what type of ‘like’. At the time, I just found it strange that Myungsoo oppa would ask such a question, without considering what he meant by his words. I didn’t dare to think further.

“I-uh…yes of course I do, but Myungsoo oppa why—“ I responded, before the elder cut my words.

“Then are you dating that Wooyoung chingu of yours?” He asked again assertively. His expression was intense, as he looked me in the eyeball with conviction. And all I could do at the time was to just sit there frozen while avoiding eye contact. It was awkward.

“Oppa…why are you talking about this?” I asked daringly.

“Just answer me. Are you dating him or not?” He asked again with fierce eyes that made me shiver. I was scared of the way he was talking to me, staring at me. It was the first time that I felt afraid when being with him. I would usually feel so comfortable when I’m around him but at that moment, I was petrified.

“No. It’s not like that…Wooyoung and I…we won’t be seeing each other often anymore.” I finally answered while stuttering at his name. I wasn’t over the fact that I would be separating from that boy. I wanted distractions to erase my sad feelings as soon as possible. Unknowingly, my eyes had started to water.

“I’m sorry, So Eunnie…I shouldn’t have been so harsh like that. I understand…I won’t bring it up again arasso?” He said, with a softer tone.

“Neh oppa…” I said while turning away from his direction to face the window.

I then pretended to fall asleep, trying to not think about Myungsoo oppa’s words and thoughts about Wooyoung. It didn’t help when Myungsoo oppa placed my head back onto his shoulder.

“Sleep tight, So Eunnie.” He said while my hair tenderly.

We had drifted into a slumber thereafter.

…

Our weeklong stay in L.A had flown past very quickly. We spent those seven days at the beach, Venice Beach in particular, visiting many tourist spots like The Getty Center, the Griffith Observatory and Disneyland. I obviously enjoyed Disneyland the most, as it’s every kid’s paradise. We also rented a vintage Mustang to cruise along the celebrity houses in Beverly Hills and through Hollywood.

Hyoyeon unnie had driven us, since she was the oldest amongst us kids. Bummie oppa sat in the passenger seat as I expected. By that time, my younger self had already noticed my brother taking Hyoyeon unnie very seriously. It wasn’t like the girls he played around with during his final year. He was attentive, always by her side and sweet towards her. So, he was too occupied to care for me as much, but it’s not like I needed him because I took care of myself during the first few days. Well, Myungsoo oppa took care of me, rather. Myungsoo oppa and I had taken the back seat.

That day, the wind was very gusty especially when our car was a convertible. All of our hair was flying everywhere and when we drove past the beachside, some sand even swirled its way into our vehicle; causing my eyes to feel irritated.

“So Eunnie, are you okay? The sand is getting into your eyes…come here, let me help you.” Myungsoo oppa said as he leaned closer towards me.

“Uh-ah, yeah it is…” I flinched, while trying to avoid eye contact with Myungsoo oppa. I was shy back then. Whenever people, guys in particular, come up within five centimeters towards my face, I would immediately lean away from them. That is, if I needed to.

Myungsoo oppa then used the tip of his index finger to wipe off the sand that was irritating my eyelashes on both sides. Suddenly, Hyoyeon unnie had turned around to check on us, making Myungsoo oppa pull away from me. Now, I can breathe again.

“Are you guys okay back there? Do you want me to close the sunroof? It’s getting windy isn’t it?” Unnie said. Please, unnie, close the roof. I beg you.

“Yes please, nuna. So Eunnie back here is having a hard time dealing with the sand flying into her eyes…” Myungsoo oppa said.

I nodded in agreement. So, unnie did close the roof and for the rest of the car ride, Myungsoo oppa had barely spoken a word to me. He seemed happy, like he was having the time of his life at one moment but then he was back to his  ‘cool guy’ exterior at the next. His mood swings used to confuse me a lot. It took me a while to get used to it but as I learned to understand how Myungsoo oppa thinks, he wasn’t too tough to handle.

…

New York is the place to be. It’s a place where I enjoy visiting whenever my work or study schedule allows me to. I’ve been there three times throughout my life. The last time I went was three years ago for my 21^st birthday. I enjoyed it as always, but being of legal age meant that I was legally allowed to do whatever, and go wherever. Bars, clubs, casinos, drinks at the 230 Fifth Rooftop Lounge with the glorious view of the Empire State and several memorable late night walks in Central Park was all I remembered. The alcohol and partying in Korea is nothing compared to the scale of the NYC nightlife. But the first time I went to New York was the most memorable, of course.

During the second week of my family trip with the other Kim’s in 2003, we indeed visited New York and had an amazing time. Exploring a whole new city as a young, freshly graduated pre-teen with some nice company was great.

The best part of our stay in New York that year, was going to the ‘Season’s Greetings’ pageant at Luna Park. It was like paradise for a kid at that age. The smell of fairy floss, the colourful surroundings, the clowns and the Christmas lights didn’t fail to amaze me.

On that day, we had played all the multiple games like the ‘catching duck’ game, the ‘shooting hoops’ and the ‘slam-hammer’. Bummie oppa managed to win this big Spongebob Squarepants toy that I had set my eyes on. I was ecstatic, of course, being the Spongebob worshipper I was. Myungsoo oppa, on the other hand…he wasn’t the gaming king and didn’t win anything. He had held such a focused expression while playing each game, which amused me. He was cute like that.

However, after playing games and riding the children’s rollercoaster, Hyoyeon unnie wanted to go into the Haunted House. That meant that Bummie oppa agreed upon going too. Somehow, they had dragged Myungsoo oppa and I along too. On a scale of one to ten, how scared was I? Go figure. Creepy ‘ghost-like’ people dressed in bleak white and with dirty, long black hair covering their face, fake spiders flying off from the roof, terrifying sound effects and anything else that scares the sanity out of people was what I had witnessed. Each of my screams had gotten louder and louder as Myungsoo oppa held me closer and tighter. I had felt him shaking too, so I figured that he was probably just as afraid as I was. So, I was thankful for him protecting me in there. We were left completely shocked and wasted after that ride so we were ready to eat some delicious food for dinner to erase our nightmares.

After that day, I really felt like I could rely on Myungsoo oppa with no strings attached. And he will unconditionally support or help me no matter what the situation is.  Or so I thought.

…

After we left NY, my young heart had begun to feel again. It had been closed since we left home, ever since the night of the party. Maybe it was the way Myungsoo oppa looked after me. The way he made sure I was eating properly. The way he dusted sand off of my eyes. The way he held my hand while crossing the road. The way he held me in his arms when I was cold or feeling scared in the Haunted House. But even at that age, I noticed that these feelings I began to have were different to the ones I received from Bummie oppa. My cheeks wouldn’t turn pink nor I would avoid eye contact with my oppa. These feelings did not stop in New York. They continued to linger in Seattle too. In fact, they were somewhat amplified in Seattle.

It was on our last night of our holiday. During the day, we had gone into town to do some shopping. Umma and ahjumma had wanted to buy some souvenirs for the countless relatives back in Seoul. So it was nice to explore the heart of Seattle. I found that Seattle was not as busy as L.A and New York. There were less people and the environment felt much fresher and cleaner. The weather was lovely too. It wasn’t too cold and it wasn’t snowing either.

Coincidently, that night was New Year’s Eve and fireworks were being held nearby our hotel. So, we all had decided to go up to the rooftop to view the fireworks and stars. It was beautiful. In Seoul, it was hard to see the stars like in Seattle, since there were a lot of high-rise buildings in the way. The best places for stargazing were up in the mountains or in places like Busan…

My younger self had wondered if Wooyoung liked stargazing in his hometown, if he was doing the same thing as me at that same moment. Sitting up on the rooftop in almost silence, while admiring the stars had let my younger self relax and wonder off into a string of thoughts. Wooyoung still lingered within my mind at that time, but it was almost the first time that trip. Who would’ve thought that when I sat still, and had the chance to think, that the boy would suddenly fly into my brain? I had been having so much fun in America that I might have even forgotten about what happened before we left. So, I sat there, staring blankly towards the brightest star in the sky.

Wooyoung-ah, are you watching them too? I wish I could watch them with you…

“So Eunnie, are you cold?” A voice asked. I shuttered myself out of my random thoughts and turned around to face the person.

“Oh, Myung oppa…I’m okay.” I said, while trying not to shiver in front of him.

“Look at you, don’t act tough. You must be freezing in that.” He said, while looking down at my thin cardigan and shorts.

“Aniyo, I’m not that cold…” I said, before Myungsoo oppa took off his black hoodie and draped it through my arms. His sea-breeze scent, his warmth; the feeling of Myungsoo oppa made my heart tingle, just a tad. He then placed the hood over my head and used his hands to twirl my hanging strands of hair neatly behind my ears. I could feel my cheeks flushing in heat. And by no time, they were burning. No matter how close Myungsoo oppa and I were, I was still a young girl who couldn’t control her feelings. A handsome boy who always held that sweet and tender smile on his face was hard to avoid feeling shy towards.

“There you go. Now you’re warm. Don’t even try to take it off. I’m not cold at all, arasso?” He said while my cheeks.

“Neh, oppa.”

“Oppa…” I whispered.

“Hm?”

“Have you enjoyed this trip?” I asked curiously.

“Of course. It has been the best trip ever! We had so much fun together didn’t we?” He answered brightly. Together…we sure did. I had thought that ‘together’ meant both of our families not anything else. I might not be as pure as Jieun was, but I was still your regular 12-year-old.

“I know right! I had so much fun with Bummie oppa, Hyoyeon unnie, ahjumma, ahjussi, Umma, Appa and…”

“Your most favourite oppa in the whole wide world right here.” He joked, causing me to nudge him softly.

“Hah, whose here? I don’t see Moon Hee Jun oppa around!” I teased, while giggling away at Myungsoo oppa’s tensed expression.

“Yah, are you playing with me, So Eunnie?” He warned.

“Aniyo…” I answered quietly.

“Good girl.” He said while pinching me cheeks.

“So, are you excited for high school?” He asked.

“Yes, I guess so. But I’m still a little bit upset…” I confessed. It was true. I wasn’t entirely over that saddening fact no matter how hard I tried.

“Oh about that Wooyoung chingu of yours?”

I nodded weakly as I dropped my head down low.

“Yah, don’t worry. I’ll be in my senior year and I can take you and your friends out for ice-cream at anytime you ask.” He offered. That’s what Bummie oppa said too…

“Even Wooyoungie?” I asked in hope, not knowing the hostility Myungsoo oppa had held over my best friend.

“I’ll think about that one… Anyway, you are going to love high school, So Eunnie. You’re going to meet a lot of new friends along with the ones that you have already. You’ll have lots of boys confessing to you and if they bother you, just come and find your Myung oppa and I’ll beat them up for you…” He said sincerely, making me admire him even more.

“So, don’t be scared about going to the ‘big kids land’ because I will always be here to protect you, my So Eunnie.” Myungsoo oppa finished with a soft kiss on my forehead as the fireworks from behind us started to fire.

We had spent our last night in America watching the mesmerising fireworks, celebrating the New Year with our loved ones. With Myungsoo oppa holding me in his arms, for the last time that year.

…

Three weeks or so later, reality had hit me. It was the first day of my high school life. Whether I was ready or not, I had to go. Dressing in my new Seoul High, navy and white uniform with my hair neatly tied by Umma, my first day as a ‘young adult’ had begun. Umma had driven me to school, since Bummie oppa was still sleeping (he hadn’t started University yet) and Appa was on a business trip in Hong Kong. Arriving at the gates of Seoul High, Umma wished me good luck and kissed me goodbye.

“So Eun-ah, from now on you’ll need to be a stronger girl. Now that you are a high school student, Umma can’t do everything for you anymore. You’ll need to learn how to take care of yourself. Good luck with you first day, my baby girl.” Umma said, as I held her hand for one last time before heading my way out of the car.

“Thank you, Umma. I won’t disappoint you.” I said with determination, before watching her drive off.

I had taken a deep breath and gulped my saliva down my throat before taking nervous steps towards the school.

This is really it. I made it to the ‘big kids land’. Here goes nothing, Seoul High here I come! I encouraged myself while pushing the gates open.

Looking at the signs to find ‘Middle School’ took me a while. I ended up walking straight past it because I didn’t look on to my right. Clumsy me, but I considered it was exercise to make myself feel better. As it was written on my enrolment document, I was placed in class M1. So I followed the signs once again, this time without getting lost. Once I found the classroom, I quickly went inside.

Luckily, I saw some familiar faces as I entered. That included one of my best friends, Jieun of course.

“SO EUN-AH! I CAN’T BELIEVE WE ARE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS NOW!” She screamed while strangling me into her arms.

“I know right! Jieun-ah, how was your holiday? I missed you! How is Kik—“

“My holidays were great. Yeah, so let’s go over there since Doojoon-ah is here too!” She said, while avoiding me saying Kikwang’s name. It seemed like they were still awkward despite making up before I left. Or maybe she was just shy again. It’s not like she could have avoided him forever, since Kikwang was also attending Seoul High too. Everyone was at Seoul High, except for well, Jang Wooyoung. My younger self had missed him already, and classes hadn’t even started yet. His presence wasn’t here and the feeling just pinched my insides.

“Arasso…”

“Hi, So Eunnie! I’m so happy that we are still in the same class, even in high school! Aren’t you?” Doojoon said happily as he stood up to give me a welcoming hug.

“Annyeong, Doojoon-ah. Yes, of course chingu!” I said happily. I wasn’t faking it. Doojoon is a good buddy of mine, and I wanted to keep it that way. I wanted us to stick together as a group to survive the next five years.

“Aw, you’re so kind!” Doojoon replied while ruffling my hair.

I then sat down in the seat next to Jieun behind Doojoon.

“Jieun-ah, so I guess Ye Eunnie is not in our class?” I asked in disappointment as my eyes roamed around the classroom and there was no sight of my other best friend.

“Unfortunately, no. But we’ll meet her and the others at lunch! Anyway, So Eunnie…have you noticed that our class has a few…you know, good-looking chingus?” Jieun whispered shyly. Aigoo, why is she looking at others when she’s with Kikwang? Silly girl. I turned around and looked towards my side before awkwardly glancing and nodding my head to the classmates behind us.

“Hm, not bad, Jieun-ah.” I acknowledged. There were a few pretty handsome boys in our class. Even the okay-looking ones that weren’t as handsome as well, Wooyoung were still nice to look at. It was my natural instinct, not holding any dirty thoughts.

But then I noticed a few boys laughing sheepishly in the corner of our classroom. They must be those popular boys…I assumed. However, despite them looking rather goofily and confident, there was one boy that was quietly laughing to himself, not laughing as loud as his friends who were making a huge racket. He had short black hair, with a slight fringe and had fair skin. His eyes were shiny and his nose was tall. He was good-looking, but not strikingly handsome like the boy next to him. He had two pens in his shirt pocket, one blue and one red. He looked nice but slightly cold at the same time. As I admired him in secrecy, his eyes fluttered towards my direction and I looked at Jieun, who was busily talking to Doojoon. His gaze was straight at me. At me. As soon as I realised our awkward eye contact, I quickly looked away frantically and trying to refrain myself from turning back for the rest of the lesson, and likely for the rest of my year. I was awfully embarrassed and my younger self had made one big assertion on the first day of Grade 8.

I am never going to fall for him.

“Yah, So Eun are you okay? Are you day-dreaming already?” Jieun asked, as I just shrugged before starting a conversation with Doojoon who was introducing his newly made friend, his seating partner.

I did manage to not glance back behind me for the whole of my first day. I was already too scared of a person. He wasn’t threatening, he was just too overwhelming to deal with since I already embarrassed myself in front of him. And I didn’t even know his name.

After school, Myungsoo oppa insisted that he’d wait for me to take me out for ice cream, with just the two of us. Yes, just the two of us. He wanted to know all the details of my first day at Seoul High, making sure I settled in properly and no guys had harassed me. I didn’t think highly of myself, and I still don’t. Between us three girls, I always believed that I was the least pretty. Call me humble or oblivious, but I truly believe that I’m nothing special, just your average Seoul woman.

“Myungsoo oppa!” I yelled once I saw the sight of him, leaning against the school gates. He looked rather handsome and cool at that moment.

“Oh So Eunnie. How was your day?” He asked, while ruffling my hair and taking my heavy backpack. I had allowed him to do so, since my shoulders were killing me.

“It was well…interesting. Good, I guess. How about yours?” I asked, with a smile.

“Brilliant. Let’s go and have your strawberry sundae. Then you have to tell me everything.” He said, while placing his hands on my shoulders and guiding me towards the direction of the ice cream shop. Everything? Including that embarrassing moment with that dude?

I really did end up telling Myungsoo oppa about every single detail of my first day. Including that awkward encounter with the guy with pens in his pocket. But I had stopped talking about the whole story because of Myungsoo oppa declaring that he’s going to take the boy’s life with his own hands. As a joke, of course.

After that season finished, I got closer to Myungsoo oppa, I trusted him like Bummie oppa. Myungsoo oppa cared and it was like he substituted for Wooyoung; being the one I could tell things to, that I may not want to tell the girls, someone who understood me. But the main difference between him and how Wooyoung was; I knew that I wasn’t in love with Myungsoo oppa. He just gave me a gentle and warm feeling that made my heart feel very comfortable and probably more comfortable than it should. However, as we just got that much closer, it didn’t help my confusion and whatnot. It was from that trip where my feelings for that oppa had started to linger, and it didn’t stop there for a long while.