HyeWon’s POV

         The next morning, I went early to the university and fortunately didn’t find him when I went out of the building. I needed to clear my thoughts before meeting him again. But it would have been better to meet him instead of who I met at the university that morning.

         “Hyewon-ah.” His deep voice startled me when he put his cold hand on my shoulder.

         “Oh, oppa…” I looked down to my gray converses.

         “Well, at least you still call me oppa.” He muttered but loud enough to me to hear and leave totally confused.

         “Eh?” I frowned and waited for him to explain what he said.

         “Nothing.” He shook his head and a slightly fake smile could be seen on his face. “Hyewon-ah, I need to talk to you.” His eyes were filled with pain and his voice sound weak, breaking my heart.

         “Oppa… I think we should not–”

         “I promise I won’t take long time.” He cut my words but since his face looked in really pain, I didn’t mind at all.

         I stared at his expression for a while before letting out a long sigh. “Okay.”

         He’s face suddenly turn into a smile, though slightly it seemed to be sincere. “Would you like to drink something?”

         “No. Please, say what you have to say. I have to go.” I wasn’t lying, I did have to leave but I told him that not just because I needed to leave but because I really wanted him to go, so I could think everything.

         “Okay, okay.” He seemed to be upset by my answer but he pretended to not show it to me (which was useless because I knew him very well to guess when he was lying). He cleared his throat as I stared him who was looking at my eyes as if trying to find the words on me. He sighed and looked to the ceiling that was far above us and looked down to me again and after a long sigh, he finally spoke. “That night… I was a complete idiot, a moron. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have hurt you. I shouldn’t have drunk. I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t… have punched… that man–” His voice changed the sweetness it had before to become bitter, which made me angry a bit.

         “Woohyun-ssi.” I interrupted him without even noticing it.

         “Eh?” He frowned at me cutting his words.

         “His name is Woohyun. He’s not ‘that man’.” I said firmly, surely startling him with my rudeness, since even I was startled but how well I had spoken.

         “Oh! Okay, okay.” He laughed bitterly and made a straight face. “I shouldn’t have hit him. I shouldn’t have gone that day to your house, Hyewon-ah.” When my name came out from his mouth, I felt a heavy pressure on my stomach because that reminded me when we were together and he called my name and it’d make me happy because I had a man like him with me. But now that man that once made me smile, was making me scared because my feelings were totally upside down.

         I said nothing as I let him continue.

         “I hope that you can forgive me.”

        I looked at his eyes and sighed. “There’s nothing to forgive. It’s okay.”

         “Really?” His eyes widened and I frowned, not knowing why he was so excited suddenly.

         “Um…” I nodded slightly, waiting for him to say something else.

         “Ah, this is a relief.” He sighed and put his hands inside his pockets. “Then, everything is normal again?” He said leaning closer to me and my heart raced as I stepped back.

         “Eh? What are you talking about?” I put my hands on his chest, pushing him away.

         “You forgave me, didn’t you?” He grabbed my hands that were on his chest.

         “Regarding to the things of the other day, things are normal. But nothing is normal between us. Or at the least, not as you think.” I released my hands and stepped back again.

         “Eh? And how do you think I’m thinking?” He said frowning.

         “You know it better. So, have finished what you wanted to tell me? I need to go.” I fixed my bag on my shoulders and as he seemed not to have anything else to say, I turned around and started to walk.

         “Why everything is so difficult with you, Kang Hyewon? Sooner or later you'll come back to me. That sissy guy is not enough for you and he’ll hurt you!” I stopped and breathed in, trying to keep calm.

         I turned around and found him a few steps away from me, ready to touch my shoulder to turn me around but I did it first. He startled me a little because he was so close to me but I managed not to show it.

         “Yah, Yang Seungho! Don’t call him like that! And… there’s nothing between Woohyun-ssi and I…” I said lowering my head, feeling the words that had come out of my mouth as arrows in my heart.

         “But you like him, don’t you?” He replied letting me totally at loss of what to answer as he was staring at me with his clenched eyebrows and his deep gaze that made me feel so small always.

         “Eh? It-it doesn’t matter to you!!” I couldn’t find anything else to say and I looked asides.

         “It does matter to me!” He yelled and I widened my eyes as my heart raced because I felt scared again that he could do something again.

         I watched as his chest was moving up and down because his fastened breathing, feeling his deep gaze over me. He stepped back and cupped his face with a hand while with the other he scratched his neck desperately. “You’ll come back to me.” He said with a slightly calmed tone but I still could feel that he was desperate.

         I looked at his face which wasn’t calmed at all and sighed without knowing what to do or say at that moment. I sighed again and found the softer voice I could.

         “Seungho oppa, why… why you keep trying to get me back?”

         He didn’t seem to hesitate about what he was going to say as he spoke right when I finished my question. “Because I love you.”

         I felt a heavy thing on my heart and the emptiness came to my stomach as I heard the word ‘love’. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I lost the focus as I stared at the nothing. I stopped breathing for a while till he made his next movement. I felt his hands which weren’t cold anymore cupping my face. I felt his warmness and felt secure as how it was before, when we were a couple. I stopped breathing again as I felt his lips on my forehead. I didn’t know how much time he kissed my forehead but his lips felt there for a long while. I couldn’t move or say anything. I couldn’t think of anything. I was totally at loss of what to do.

         Slowly, he released my head and stared at me a few minutes before he waved and left me there without saying anything else. I breathed out and felt my whole body was burning. I felt my ears were red like tomatoes as my cheeks might be as well. My heart was racing more and more and I didn’t know what to do to recover my usual heartbeats.

         I blinked a few times before I breathed out again and walked to the exit of the university, still not able to breathe or think properly. I still felt my cheeks were red as my ears and my whole body might be.

         I walked pass the KU gate and saw Seungho with the kids a few steps away from me. Every time they all were together was just for one thing: to buy drugs. I stared at them for awhile before I let out a heavy sigh.

         “Oppa, how can I go back again to you? I cannot be with someone who doesn’t want to change and live a better life… like you.” I said out loud still watching them from afar, while waiting for the bus at the bus stop.

         Then I thought about that again. How long ago was the last time I did it? Since I started working I already had no time for that. Not even to think about it, but that day those thoughts came again. I remembered all those feelings that came to my body when I got high. All what Seungho and the kids always said that you could feel when you get high: rest and complete peace. I clearly knew that they were just temporary feelings —that peace was not real peace, you just ‘forget’ everything for a while; that rest can make you feel guilt later. But who cares about what happens later? If people live worrying about what’s going to happen later, no one would do anything because every movement you do, brings consequences. So you have to live with ‘no regrets’, as many people say.

         I perfectly knew where to buy it and how much it cost. Since I was working, I had money to do so. It wasn’t that expensive or that cheap. Plus, you won’t mind how much it costs when you need it. You won’t mind if you have to sell your house to receive a small dose of what can make you forget everything and almost reach the desired nirvana.

         I shook my head and squeezed the books that were on my arms. What was I thinking? Getting high again? What would that bring to me? Would that make me any happier later? Of course it won’t. I sighed and wished the bus to come faster but it never came. It seemed as if fate would like that to happen again.

         After all, it had been a long time since I did it. One more time won’t hurt anyone.

         I sighed again and thought about it a few minutes more. I took my phone and looked up for Seungho’s number. I stared at the screen for a while before dialing it.

         “Hyewon-nie?” He sounded quite surprised. He was excited to hear my voice, to hear me calling him. It was for sure what he thought. I swallowed some saliva but I couldn’t manage to make the words come out of my mouth. I blinked a few times more before I hung up. I strongly squeezed the phone on my chest thinking of what I almost did and fell on my heels. I was breathing so fast and hearing my heartbeats raced and loud on my ears.

         “Kang Hyewon, what’s wrong with you?! What did you almost do?!” I heard myself scolding my own. I breathed in and out many times before I felt a tear sliding out of my eye. I hurried to wipe it away and stood up.

         I looked for the bank and sat down to keep waiting for the bus. I was quite anxious. My breathing will never come back