Review for "Streetlord" by Hyukkieoppa

Review by ScreamingMidget

Title (10/10) : I love this title. End of discussion.

Description & Foreword (8/10) : Sentence variation is arguably the most important thing you need to keep in mind when you’re editing. Not when you’re writing or making a first draft. Let me explain.

You wrote really great descriptions: sunglasses perched on their noses, the water lapping against the docks in the harbor, etc. That’s really good imagery! And when you’re writing stuff like that, you don’t feel compelled to look at the structure of your sentences because you’re writing down what comes to mind.

So, always do a final read/ edit and try to switch up the sentence structure.

Pretty much every sentence in that description started with “You see” or at least “You”. After that was a list of descriptions. You listed all those images off. Even though the words you used were perfect (and I definitely just loved it), the impact of those words are lost in the way they’re presented.

I know about this because I do this a lot too. It’s almost natural to use the same style in a block of writing but never use the same sentence structure. Readers will pick up on it. Writers won’t because they become desensitized to their words (when we rephrase things over and over again, we just get used to the way they sound and we stop thinking like our readers) and will have a harder time picking up on it.

You’re also listing things off in a non-sequitar way; talking about guitars and then the harbor in the same sentence make it more difficult to really imagine the situation.

Original sentences: In The City, you hear guitars strumming and the water lapping against the docks in the harbor. You hear the songs of the streets and the clamor of the people. You see tourist shops and people everywhere, sunglasses perched on their noses and money in their pockets. You see the sun shining down on the streets and the shades of the booths in every color imaginable.

Okay, I like this for the imagery. I know I already mentioned that but you really did do a fantastic job. I don’t always see people describing settings on AFF so I think your writing style is so unique that it’s commendable.

Here’s what needs work. Well, guitars don’t strum. People strum guitars. If you’re trying to do some personification, I’d recommend that but it isn’t being done correctly here. Also, we need a way to connect the guitars with the water. OH. BTW, I like that you used two separate and unrelated things in a sentence. It’s because you didn’t connect them that it felt a little off. “...guitars strummed into a melody across the water...” or something like that would make it work.

“...songs of the street and clamor of the people...” well, that’s definitely in parallel so good job! But, “of the” (even though this doesn’t really have a verb) kind of has a passive tone. It’s emphasized because of the word choices.

TRY: “the myriad of rustling leaves and honking cars drowned the incessant clamor of the city’s residents” or IDK something like that. I don’t know if it’s autumn but I made it autumn LOLS.

OH. Tip. Use more complex words that suit your style of writing. Like, for example, “myriad”. I just used it in my example if you want to see it in a sentence. I love the word “myriad”; I think it’s so pretty and it kind of sounds just like what you think it would mean so the little children and the big kids on this site will all be pleased.

Also, I don’t know if your city’s name is “The City” but unless it is, don’t capitalize the first letters of either word. Not necessary and definitely incorrect. If you’re trying to create an effect by capitalizing those letters, I think you’d be better off if you just didn’t. And I think the features of this city is a little scattered. Are we consistently by the harbor? If not, we’ll need to walk down to where the shops are. You’re great at describing but also try to leak in some clarity.

I don’t know where I heard this before (I definitely didn’t come up with this) but something something something writers are thinking from their own point of view. They start writing because of themselves, not because they’re trying to serve readers. But always remember that the reader cannot see into your mind. You might be picturing an entire movie in your head but we just can’t see what you’re seeing so you’re gonna have to lay it all out on paper. Also, there’s no shame in writing a lot. But, for your description, I suggest keeping it to a minimum (okay this stuff is mine). Like, okay, have you ever read Grapes of Wrath? Oh gosh. There was like literally ten thousand pages just describing the setting. The fact that the people came in after they described the setting had a meaning in the book. Nobody enjoyed that. I didn’t wanna read thousands of pages about dust. Apparently, it all came together in some kind of weird way that still doesn’t make sense to me and why am I still talking about that book. This is fanfiction and we don’t need to get weird like the angry grapes. Settings are probably the most fun thing to write and the most boring thing to read. We want quick, well-structured sentences. Because this is AFF, I think describing the guys more than the setting will excite the readers. HA.

Also, this isn’t a ‘you’ story, right? I think that using ‘you’ in the description might confuse some simpletons.

So, yeah, please don’t start each sentence off the same exact way. I’ll reconstruct the first two sentences to give you an example**. I’m not sure if this can even tie into your story. You can use this, of course, but I mean I’m really just making it up. I don’t know enough about your story, ahaha sorry.

Example:

Thirty.

I’d been waiting for thirty minutes. Did they think I had time for this? My hands were clenching and unclenching, all on their own accord. I could feel apprehension build in to the tightening of my shirt across my abdomen. There were hippies scattered across the edge of the harbor, their guitars strumming themselves into a melody across the water. The setting sun lazily melted into the sea, and, as I looked forward from the sidewalk, I could only make out a canvas of blurred reds and dirty yellows.

OH. I just saw the whole “this is a story...” part.

Well then. I guess my example won’t work for the description but you get the idea. Connect the imagery and never list them off. Also, you wrote an author’s note under the description and an author’s note under the foreword. Honestly, readers don’t usually care much about the writer’s personal thoughts or how they came up with their ideas. We think it’s just so fascinating but it’s really not and it will disrupt the flow of your story. You continued the same scene into the foreword but WOW just having that author’s note in between will throw the reader off. Take it out and delete it. Show it no mercy.

You had a little description for each group like SJ and stuff. I really think it would be best if you could somehow find a way to describe them using dialogue and description. That’s a sign of a powerful writer and, judging by how you wrote your description, I think you’re definitely capable of doing it.

Example:

He stopped, a breath stuck mid-throat. His eyes flickered up and as he spoke, Zico could make out the tremble in B-Bomb’s words.

“Super...J-Junior?”

LMFAO. Like a threatening gang would be named “Super Junior”. LOL. Okay, yeah, but I hope you get the idea. Instead of saying someone or something is lethal, try to show that. Isn’t that the golden rule in writing? Show don’t tell.

Oh I just read your author’s note. Okay sorry my review is all over the place. I’m kind of rushing because I have so much homework but I also love reviewing HAHAHA.

O_O

OK. So you want to warn that there are swears and how you’re going to organize the chapters (I’ll help you with that in the organization category) and whatever just shove that after your foreword. It doesn’t deserve to follow up your glorious description.

Content & Plot (15/20) : I...have reviewed so many stories with gangs so I really hate to put you up against them. For the most part, I think you’re unique in that you’re using a lot more kpop groups than others have. But are you sure that’s such a swell idea? There’s like 94 people in Super Junior and 239 in Exo and don’t even get me started on Block that has 1,320 members. I’ll talk more about the POV switches in the flow category. But dood, seriously. That’s a lot of people and these guys are kinda all over the place and not in the way I would like. If you know what I mean.

Characters (7/10) : OOOH. See above. I feel like I’m not using these categories anymore LMFAO. Sorry, I’m kind of on 8 shots of espresso? If you couldn’t tell by my three-page review on just your description. LAHHAHABAHAABA.

Grammar & Spelling (10/10) : TOP NOTCH. VERY GOOD. DON’T CAPITALIZE ‘THE CITY’; THAT’S NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.

Organization/Flow (6/10) : Ugh. This review is never going to end. I’m so sorry. What did I say I would talk about here? POV and how you organize the chapters...which is the same thing in this case.

WOW WAIT. The first chapter. I literally know nothing about card games. And I’m an amazing, omniscient creature so it might have deterred other readers as well. Like I said about readers being clueless to what the author knows...not all readers are card experts. Or experts at anything, really. (Okay, sorry for being such a mean person today. I didn’t go to school Friday so I didn’t get to bully anyone.) The thing about perspectives is that if it’s not done right, it can get extremely confusing.

And by ‘done right’, I mean if you don’t stick to like one (lmfao duh) to three (I’m making these numbers up lol), then it can get gross.

Go on this: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=257362

It’s just a thread with a woman suffering with multiple character disorder.

LMFAO DID YOU LIKE THAT I MADE IT UP MYSELF.

So basically she has 11 characters and ain’t nobody got time for all of them, okay? If you scroll down a little, you’ll notice that someone wrote that having different perspectives will add to the confusion, people will really only like two or three of the characters’ stuff, and something something something I hope you found it, it’s like the second post. So anyway, stick with the characters you’ve already introduced, introduce one or two more if you already planned to and then stick with the ones that come out the most popular/ the ones you like writing about the most.

If you really only have like four perspectives you’re using, then just establish a pattern with those four.

If you have...eleven like that suspicious woman, cut it down to the popular guys. Or your biases that you like writing about. I know how that feels, considering I put Kris Wu into literally every story even when it doesn’t make sense.

Appearance (4/10) : I think you should request for another poster. The current poster has distorted images. You can tell that all the images were stretched. Here are some really good shops that suit your story! Click on them, they’re hyperlinked.

Ridiculous | Oh My Gukkie | Fly! Teleport! | + Veracity and Inception

Enjoyment (20/20) : I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this work! I think you’re extremely talented! The way you describe things are so cool to read! I’m really sorry you had to wait like a week. Mostly, I was waiting to get to the weekend cus I’m really short on time. You couldn’t tell by the length of this review AHAHA but I really am. Good luck with your story! You’re a great writer - don’t ever forget that!!!!

Total : 80/100