Review for ‘Where We Begin’ by NewClear-Kay

reviewed by ScreamingMidget

Title (8/10) :

Great title! I absolutely love it! I did a basic web search and here are the pros and cons. Pro: I didn’t see another story (within the first three pages) with the same title as your story. Cons: however, there were quite a lot that were very similar. But, that’s okay. The only thing I was concerned with was that even though I searched the title, I didn’t actually find it within the first three pages. Instead I got titles like ‘Let the Games Begin’ as a result. Did you, by any chance, check off ‘unlisted’? I don’t know - I’m sure it’s no big deal. Anyway, what I like about this title is the mixture of optimism (we’re beginning something yay!) and melancholy (is ‘where’ we begin farther behind than most relationships?) that you managed to weave into it! Superb job! I docked 2 points because - admit it - it’s not the most spectacular and moving title. However, I do think it is relevant to your story. One of the main characters suffered from abuse, right? I think of the series of events as a new start. Your title is definitely relevant but creatively adjusted to grab attention. If I were to see this on AFF, I would definitely click on it.

Description & Foreword (7/10) : You need some work in this area. I’ll talk about the poster and background in the ‘appearance’ category. As for description...we’re going to have to work on this. For my story, I originally did the same thing you’re doing now. I don’t mean the plot, I mean the way you describe your story. I laid everything out there - who was going to die, what was going to happen, everything. Don’t do that. You’ll get readers hooked with the child abuse and all that but describe the kidnapping as an ‘unexpected event’ or a something like that. That way, they know there’s a lot more to the story! As for the kidnapping, I know that this is supposed to be the plot twist in your story and you want the reader to be aware that there is more than just the whole ‘abuse’ thing. You want them to keep reading to get to the plot twist...but it’s not a plot twist if it’s already specified in the description. So, follow my advice if you’re willing, please! Modify the terms you use so you don’t just blurt the whole story in one paragraph! I’m not picking on you, I swear. So many reviewers disliked my description so I rewrote the keywords and changed them into more vague, but simultaneously more powerful words. I suggest you use something like ‘unexpected...’ something.

As for the foreword, you started with an apostrophe. I thought it was a mistake until I saw the other single quotation mark at the end. That use of punctuation is unnecessary. If it is an excerpt of the story, the reader will be able to figure that out. The two single quotation marks do not help in any way. If it’s a flashback, you should specify it as such. I’m really glad you used your foreword like this! Really glad! This might just be personal preference, but I tend to like stories that have some writing in the foreword as opposed to character descriptions. A writer should always attempt to paint their characters with words rather than just listing of traits. You are excellent at this. I’ll talk about your characterization more in the ‘characters’ category but I just want to compliment you on that.

Anyway, is it necessary to italicize everything in your foreword? This isn’t a flashback, right? If it is, just unitalicize everything and specify that it is a flashback at the top.

If it’s not, just unitalicize everything anyway. Italicized writing can be extremely unattractive and a pain to read. Your foreword is brilliantly written - you don’t want people to not read it just because of the way it looks!

The way you use your ‘foreword’ is completely up to you. In published books, forewords are where the author of the book will have famous writers promote their relationship. This way fans of the more famous writer will want to read the book of the lesser. This totally does not apply to fanfiction. But, I don’t know if you really should use those two pictures as a disclaimer and warning. If you simply wrote the disclaimer and warning, it would look a lot neater and cleaner. I’ll talk more about that in ‘appearance’.

Content & Plot (17/20) : It’s definitely very interesting! There are little twists in the story and extra things like the Triple A. It’s very unique and I give you props for coming up with this theme! I docked 3 points because, as far as content goes, it can be a little jerky when you go from perspective to perspective. At the start of chapters like chapter 7, you didn’t state, at the top, whose POV it was. That’s the challenge with writing in first person perspective. It’s attractive to write that way because it’s more personal however if you have to go from perspective to perspective, it might be a good idea to use third person. The way you’re writing right now is in multiple viewpoints. This is a legitimate style of writing, of course, but it can be difficult to read if it is overused. It appears a tad blocky and jerky because you include three or four viewpoints every chapter. When you start your next story, do some research about the perspectives so you can choose which one fits yours story best.

Characters (8/10) : There are a lot of characters and that can be a challenge but you pulled it off really well! The relationship between the reader and the characters are personal. Great job in this category! I docked 2 points because it is a little difficult to follow along.

Grammar & Spelling (10/10) : There are no major grammar mistakes - good job!!

Organization/Flow (8/10) : I love your writing! I think the flow of events is smooth and effortless! There is not much that I can say here! I think it’s perfect just the way it is. However, I suggest you space between paragraphs more often. I had to dock 2 points because it appears blocky.

Appearance (6/10) : You have to be careful of what you choose as your background picture. The blue and the black might suit the theme of the story but it’s really hard on the eyes. The colors are too bright and the picture repeats discontinuously. My suggestion is this: request a background picture, poster, and anything else you can think of from a good graphics shop. Don’t even hesitate. There are people who say that writers who can’t make their own graphics probably should write at all. Then, should swimmers who can’t make swimming pools not swim? That was probably the worst comparison ever. Okay. Since I can’t make a car, should I not drive one? Okay, I’m gonna stop now. ANYWAY. Please request a poster and background because the two do not match at all. The background is distracting. It didn’t even fit the whole title in, just the ‘Wher’. This is your most subscribed story! We have to go all out for this! Do-it-yourself pictures? That’s not how we do, man. That’s not how we do. Just abuse as many shops as possible. Here are some totally pro shops that you can request from: + Veracity, Mochi & Mochi, and Inception. I’m doing this to help your story, don’t forget! You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Enjoyment (15/20) : I liked it! Good job! I highly recommend you find a different background or request one from one of those shops I listed. I think the shop ‘Inception’ might be best for your story since it is on the dark side.

Total : 79/100

Great Job! I’m so honored to be able to review such a great story! Good luck!