Review for 'Only Sehun' by inspiritlocksmith

Review by awkwardtofu211

Title: 8/10
So at first, I was a little turned off by the title because it’s a bit boring, but there’s only so much you can put in into two words, right? As I read your story, however, I realized it really works with your plot in a sense that only Sehun could make Luhan feel this way and start breaking his ‘mask’. I would suggest maybe making your title about the ‘mask’ of Luhan, because that is a great idea to your story (I love it so much I’m going to gush about it later XD). 

Description/Foreword: 7/10
Hokay, I want to first start by suggesting not to use so many different text options in your description. Also, it sounds a bit weird. Try reading it aloud to yourself, it doesn’t sound a bit right- it actually sounds a bit redundant. I think you should include a little excerpt on the story, like something with paragraphs; they can do so much for a description! Don’t get that thought that people will not want to read it because they see a chock full of words (unless you make it extremely long), but the one line thing over and over again can turn readers impatient and they won’t stay for the rest of your story. You can do it, just don’t make it the epitome of your description. And don’t forget your periods after “...they turn into skin.”

I really like the idea of the definition as your foreword, that’s very clever! You just need to fix your grammar on the last sentence, it’s: “you can’t take it off once you’ve worn it.” or “you can’t take it off once you wear it.”

Content/Plot: 17/20
Yes, yes, yes! Very good plot! I have to admit that if you hadn’t added that little inner conflict thing with Luhan at the end, I wouldn’t been as hooked as I am right now (I’m subscribing to your story once I finish this hehe). That cliffhanger- genius, girl, genius. I give you so many points for that. Their relationship, however, is slow. And sometimes there is so much narration because you like to expand on the idea of Luhan’s problem a lot. I totally get that. But try not to write so much about it, and get to that idea of Luhan fighting his inner demons! We get that he thinks love is stupid, and we get that he puts on a whole facade. Try not to write too much about it, or else people won’t really care anymore. Also, try to put the setting into your story more. Yes, this is story is all about the mind and emotions, but I didn’t realize that they were camp conselours (that’s what they are, right?) until the 4th chapter.

Characters: 10/10
YOUR CHARACTERIZATION. I cannot stress it enough. It’s so beautifully written, and their conflicts are just so real, and you did such a great job stressing their troubles in daily life. Oh my gosh, they way you wrote Sehun and Luhan’s feelings and emotions were just so realistic. Lots of writers do not write about love like you do. :) Great, awesome, and fantastic job showing who they are!

Grammar/Spelling: 9/10
You didn’t really have many mistakes. There were a few run-on sentences in some paragraphs. Also, after this → ; you aren’t supposed to capitalize the next letter, because it is still part of the old sentence, not a new one. Try adding variety to the different lengths of your sentences! What really helps is if you read it out loud, and xee if it sounds like a person talking and not someone repeating a script. 

Organization/Flow: 6/10
It’s a little slow, but I think you know that already. And it’s okay at some parts. But the first part of your story made me want to turn back and look for something else to read. Unfortunately, I found myself wanting to skip over so much of the narration and right to the dialouge, so try to add more dialouge as you go along! However, I do realize that your narration is important for the story, and I do realize in your A/N’s that you realized how slow Sehun and Luhan were evolving- and I give you kudos for that. Relationships in most fanfics ‘bloom’ in the matter of 3 days, but you stretched it out realistically. As you write more chapters, your writing improves, which is awesome!

Appearance: 8/10
Beautiful poster, but I really think the mood and color of this story needs to be darker. Your poster makes it seem like this story is one of those with ‘light angst’, but that is definitely not what I’m seeing. Even though I wouldn’t classify your story as ‘dark’ yet, if you keep going in the direction of your plot line, it might soon become just that (and it’s not a bad thing!).

Enjoyment: 14/20
Like I said before, the fact that there was a bit too much narration was a bit of a turn-off. The relationship and emotions between Sehun and Luhan are not sugarcoated, and that is brilliant. But what I really, really, loved was your cliffie at the end of Chapter 8! “He’ll be dead very soon.” The feels. The FEELS. You write more stuff like that, and you’ll be getting more subscribers very soon!

Great, great job! Hope you like your review (I’m gonna go subscribe to ya now).

Your score: 79/100