Review for 'The Dragon's Heart Terrorist' by Ayaaachan

review by awkwardtofu211

Title:8/10
Your story title is interesting, and it is most definitely original and unique! I just took some points off because I got really confused by it, and I’ve been trying to figure it out all day today and yesterday (it’s been like the only thing on my mind hehe). So I’m going to break it down right here in the review, and you can tell me if I’m right or not (pm me?). XD So far, what I’m thinking is that your title is explaining the character Hyuna in your story. My reasoning is this: GD’s heart is obviously the Dragon’s Heart, and the only one who is terrorizing it in some way is Hyuna because he fears that she’ll take Seungri away from him. Or, it could even be Seungri who is terrorizing his heart because GD is so damn protective (and cute) that he worries over Seungri constantly and it gives him terror sometimes. As you can see, I am very confuzzled over this title (probably because I’m overthinking it in some over exaggerated way). But I do like it very much because it is unique! :) 


Description/Foreword: 10/10
Oh. My. God. You brilliant genius. Prepare yourself for a whole lot of gushing. XD

The first sentence: it’s killer. That sentence is attracting readers to your story like bees who haven’t pollinated since Christmas of 1945. When you put together the words ‘cute’ and ‘heartless’ in the same sentence, you are bound to get a flock of subbies! And then there’s the fact that you kept it nice and simple which makes it even better! There are a lot of people who cannot capture the attention of a reader like you did with your story, and that is just amazing. Amazing, amazing, amazing. There’s just only one little teensy-weensy fix: “Another grunt was heard as another one of my henchMEN…” → not henchMAN. Obviously, this fix is literally nothing, but there’s only so much to correct when you have such an outstanding description/foreword like yours! I’m just speechless. Kudos, you amazing human being. 


Content/Plot: 18/20
I’m going to start off a bit specific because I took some notes especially on Chapter One. So, when it switches to Seungri’s POV, he’s waking GD up. But when we switch back to Jiyong, Seungri is asleep, which has me guessing that the and ‘waking up’ scene was just a flashback? If so, you must make your flashbacks italicized! Otherwise, readers will get confused like I did, and that makes us overthink, and then we’ll tend to get confused again, and then we’ll click away because we give up (the harsh world of fanfiction T_T). 

However, lets move onto the actual plot! It’s a generally simple plot, with one major theme that you have emphasized very well throughout your story; about how love can change a person. I LOVE how you thought to put a moral into your story because lots of fanfiction writers don’t do that at all and only focus solely on pumping their stories out there. So yes, that was a great idea! I really really liked it when Seungri realized that he needed Jiyong a lot more than he thought when he got shot, because we’ve only seen GD’s possessiveness to Seungri more than we have on the panda’s side. I also liked how you had that “NO!” moment near the end of your story (the part where Jiyong pushes him away)-- after all , not all relationships are perfect all the time. I would suggest making that moment loooonger, because I think they got back together too quickly (angst is a beautiful thing). 

Characters: 9/10
I LOVED how mean you made GD! Lots of authors like to sugarcoat mobsters and gang members’ attitudes, but in real life, those types of people are not all sunshine and daisies as most people portray them on aff. My only suggestion would be to maybe write how/what happened when Seungri discovered that GD was a mobster/leader who is merciless and cold-hearted to his enemies. I also wish you made Seungri a bit more jealous when Jiyong gets all overprotective on him. As much as we love couple fluff, we also like couple fights→ the more drama, the betterrrr!!!


Grammar Notes/Suggestions: 10/10
“Like there WASN’T three men waiting…” → Chapter One, 1st Scene
“He always treated me like a kid, and EVEN though I’m younger than him, it’s not as if I DON’T know how to take care of myself.” → Chapter Two, Near beginning.
I’m seriously not even going to take off any points, because you’re human, firstly, and you have 12 chapters with very minimal mistakes. Great grammar and spelling! Yay, full 10 out of 10!!! *Cheers*


Organization/Flow: 9/10 
You a point off for this because of your spacing! I know that this is a tedious thing to even look over, but it will appeal to your story more. One line is two enters down, and one is just one enter down. :( Please make it even! Yes, it is a simple thing, but readers who get annoyed by that stuff easily won’t stay for the rest of the plot. As for the flow of your story, it’s perfecto! I never think that it’s too fast or too slow for a moment, and it flows just beautifully. You don’t use cliffies that much, but you still make it interesting enough for people to keep on reading and reading; that takes some pure writing skill!


Appearance: 8/10
A bit on the cute side! I get that Seungri is a squishy panda from planet cute-tastic, but Jiyong is a SCARY BADASS MOBSTER... and then you have a baby pink background! o.O I do realize that your story is about love, but maybe you should use a blood red instead. When people look at your story poster/background at first glance, they will think fluff and comedy are your main genres. So maybe tweak it a bit. Oh, and also on a side note, the quote on your poster is grammatically incorrect; it should be: “How does love change a person”, not “How does love changes a person.” Ah wait- I take that back. Hokay, so I’m pretty sure that you’ve seen that mistake already and I just checked the poster link on your description and it says it’s been deactivated. :( Maybe consider getting another poster? I like waiting for posters, it’s fun. XD 


Enjoyment: 20/20!
YES I LOVE THIS STORY. It’s very well written, and you write super-fantastic scenes (hehe my erted mind) and I could not stop reading this from beginning to end! I love how you show their relationship and how love can change a person from one personality to another. SO GOOD. ME LIKEY.


Your score: 92/100
You have officially made the hall of fame!!!! *Throws confetti and dances*
Yayyy!!! YOU BEAUTIFUL TALENTED AMAZING AUTHOR. Congrats, my friend!
P.S. I upvoted ya ;)